Wake Up Ron Burgundy

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Wake Up Ron Burgundy

NARRATOR: There are stories,
epic and grand stories,

that are forever lost
in the sands of time,

forgotten or changed
by cruel kings

who can hear
only the whispers
of these lost legends.

Right there, Scottie.
Take her down.
NARRATOR:
Still, other tales
become too frightening

for future generations
to impart to their young.

But other stories
are lost to us

because they don’t test well
with recruited audiences

or because a movie
is too long

and the story
must be cut for time.

This is one of those tales.
This is the chaff
from the wheat,

the skim from the milk,
the pudding
from the all-you-can-eat
lobster buffet,

and the surgeon guy
from Prince & the Revolution.

This is the lost movie,
Wake Up, Ron Burgundy.
Don’t worry, San Diego,
Daddy’s here.
Hey, Ron Burgundy!
You’re the best!
Looking good, San Diego.
I just met Ron Burgundy,
and he gave me a cup!
Hey, Ron Burgundy!
You should do
story about me.
(LAUGHING)
You’re a riot, Nikos.
Mmm…
Hey, Ron. Bottoms up!
Well, hello, booze.
Mmm…
Peace, brother.
I’m where you’re at.
(GASPS)
Hey, I like that fanny.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, Mr. Burgundy.
I’m Sue, I’m in the book.
NARRATOR: Ron Burgundy
was at the peak of his power

as an anchorman.
I got you, old glory.
Walking tall
and sharing a desk

with his beloved
Veronica Corningstone.

Wait a minute,
who’s that handsome devil?
NARRATOR:
The city of San Diego
now had a king and a queen,

and they ruled
with a mighty
and sometimes sexy hand.

Veronica, however,
had recently been nominated

for a National Excellence
in Broadcasting Award
and was out of town.

For one night only,
it was just Ron
and the boys.

So, Champ, did you
get lucky last night?
Oh, no. Last night…
Oh, I stayed home for a while,
drank about six bottles
of white wine,
pissed my pants,
so I drove down to Mexico,
and shot some stray dogs.
You know, pretty much
standard Tuesday night.
Hey, you guys,
what is that word?
Because.
Bee-cose…
Because. Because.
Is that even a word?
All righty, news team,
whose drink needs
a freshening up? Anyone?
Ah, Helen, I’ll have
a Beefeater and tonic,
hold the tonic.
(LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGH)
Ron, oh…
I know.
I know I’m bad.
I’ve been a bad boy.
(LAUGHING)
I know, it’s silly.
(CLEARS THROAT)
All right, gang,
it’s almost 6:00.
Let’s do
what we’re paid to do.
RON: Da, da, da.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Unique New York.
Unique New York.
(SNORTING)
A tarantula enjoys
a fine chewing gum.
Chewing gum, chewing gum.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(IMITATING SIREN)
RON: Snoopy was
stabbed by a spear.
The Human Torch
was denied a bank loan.
Whoop!
The arsonist has
oddly-shaped feet.
The arsonist.
The arsonist.
(RON CLEARS THROAT)
MAN: Cue it.
Ready, Phil.
(VOCALIZING)
(GRUNTING)
We’re on in five, four…
(RON CLEARING THROAT)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER:
It’s Channel 4 News
at 6:00.

Good evening.
I’m Ron Burgundy,
and this is what’s happening
in your world tonight.
An international coalition
of countries
has banded together

to investigate and solve
the mystery of the Bigfoot
once and for all.
The conference held
in Munich
included some of
the top scientists
from the United States…
Ron Burgundy.
Oh, boy.
If I were only
30 years younger…
By that I mean
I’d blow him.
…with some interesting new
and shocking statistics
out of Washington,
here’s Brian Fantana
with a report
you won’t want to miss.
Tonight, I conclude
my five-part series on
the evils of breast-feeding.
So remember,
let’s leave those ho-hos
to us big kids, moms.
Well, it looks like
it’s gonna be
another great weekend.
Here to tell us all about it
is Brick Tamland
with the weather. Brick?
Now, it got all the way up
to 97 degrees
in some of
the outlying areas today,
and that, my friend,
is really, really hot.
And I always make
the same plea
every year at this time.
If you’ve got pets
and you’re going to
leave them in the car
in this kind of heat,
make sure they have
a lot of chew toys,
and be sure to
roll up the window,
so that heat
doesn’t get into the car.
Lots going on
in the world of sports.
Champ Kind
is gonna let us know
what’s going down. Champ?
Big night tonight
for the Padres
finishing up a three-game
series with the Dodgers.
They lost the game 4-2.
Here’s the pitch,
it’s a curveball,
and what happens?
I’ll tell you
what happens.
And whammy!
Dave Winfield takes
Burt Hooton deep.

Box seven,
let’s ready three.
From here at Channel 4 News,
I’m Champ Kind.
Back to you, Ron.
There was
a special addition today
at the San Diego Zoo
as Linda the giraffe
gave birth to
a 42-pound baby boy.
Officials at the zoo say
the baby giraffe
will be named Freedom.
Looks like the Clippers
might have themselves
a new center.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Man, that’s hilarious.
(ALL LAUGHING)
For all of us here
at News Center 4,
I’m Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy, San Diego.
All clear.
ED: Ron Burgundy scores.
(LAUGHING)
You’re my boy.
Hey, Ron,
Deacon Charlie,
the weatherman
over at Channel 2 News,
is having a pool party.
Every anchor in town
is gonna be there.
Well, I think it’s time
to show the fine gals
of this city
what a number-one-rated
news team looks like.
(ALL LAUGHING)
News team!
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
NARRATOR:
And with Veronica gone,

and another
broadcast done, it was
time to do one thing…

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
…socialize hard.
(LAUGHING)
I couldn’t do that.
I couldn’t do that.
Whoo!
Hey, Ron, do you know
what chlamydia is?
No, but it sounds like fun.
Mmm…
Hey, Ron.
Hey, Garth.
How’s the divorce?
Oh, not so good.
My kids don’t even
remember me.
Listen, I don’t have time.
You done with that?
I think you are now.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Well, hello, Pete.
You look good.
So do you.
Konnichiwa.
Cannonball!
CHAMP: Hey, everyone!
Orgy!
(MUSIC STOPS)
Sorry, I misread the vibe.
Just go back
to what you were doing.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Everybody get down!
This is a robbery!
We are The Alarm Clock!
(CUSTOMERS SCREAMING)
It all begins today!
Heroes get blasted!
Shoot, I’m havin’
a good time!
This is a party! Come on!
It’s a revolutionary
sure shot.
We’re taking it all back.
Y’all better wake up, ’cause
The Alarm Clock’s ringin’.
Ding-a-ling-a!
Ding-ding-dong!
You’ve got a real reason
to be afraid!
Hurry up!
We are liberating
this money so that
the truth can be set free,
and the people
of this city
can wake up! Dig it!
We are The Alarm Clock!
(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)
(SIRENS WAILING)
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, that was
one crazy party.
I feel awful.
I had about 70 beers.
I mean, literally.
I ate a whole bunch
of fiberglass insulation.
It wasn’t cotton candy
like that guy said.
Oh, my stomach’s itchy.
I woke up this morning,
and I shit a squirrel.
The hell of it is,
the thing was still alive.
So now I got this
shit-covered squirrel
down there in my office,
don’t know what to name it.
(RON SNORING)
You should name him Shawn.
All right, guys,
let’s focus up.
Morning, everyone.
Here are the stories
we’re gonna be
chasing today.
The radical protest group
called The Alarm Clock
robbed their third bank
this morning.
Let’s keep
on top of this story.
If it gets any bigger,
the network
could need coverage.
NARRATOR: Veronica had gone
straight from the airport
to the newsroom.

Hello.
And Ron’s heart nearly
leapt out of his chest

when he saw
his sweet, sweet lady.

Oh!
Oh, Ron,
you are a big deal.
Take me. Take me right now
on this conference table.
It’s jazz. It’s jazz, baby!
Ron, control yourself!
Not… Not with
the lights on!
Let’s make a baby!
This feels sexy!
(BOTH MOANING)
RON: I am engorged!
He’s like
an unleashed animal, run!
Put it back in!
No, no, he didn’t mean that!
Take it out!
NARRATOR: But even in
the midst of this
supposed bliss,

trouble can step forward
and say,

“Hey! Don’t forget
about me.”

KANSHASHA X: Oh.
Look at this.
MALCOLM Y: Yeah.
Must be 20 Gs here,
plenty of money
to start the revolution.
We got enough bread
to arm the people,
feed the people,
get people riotous
in the streets.
Know what we should
do with this money?
I think we should buy
a big bag of grass.
What about the revolution?
Our mission
is clearly stated
in the manifesto.
Where the hell is
that manifesto, man?
I am writing the manifesto.
I’m beginning to
start to think you just
here for the (BEEP)
You wanna know
what our cause is?
Yeah, we wanna know.
Uh…
NARRATOR: The group
was at a crucial juncture.

For months,
Paul had put off
writing the manifesto

by smoking skunkweed
and jacking banks.

But now it was time
to state “the message”

or lose his hold
on this band of
dropouts and outsiders.

The TV! That’s right!
The TV!
This… This propaganda box,
if we don’t control
this propaganda box…
…the man will always
control our minds.
And the minds…
The minds of the people.
Just look at
some of the lies
they’re telling.
Oh, hello.
I’m beloved anchor
Ron Burgundy.

You know, lately I’m hearing
all this talk about kids

smoking pot,
or marijuana reefer.

Hey, what’s
the deal with that?
What happened to
just getting high on
good old clean life?
Maybe enjoying life
looking at a rainbow,
or sitting underneath
a waterfall,
enjoying a big glass
of Scotch,
or enjoying
a pack of cigarettes
on a hot summer day.
What happened to those
simple pleasures?
Did they die
with the dinosaurs and
the Tyrannosaurus rex?
(CHUCKLES)
In my book, they didn’t.
And there’s only one book,
that’s the Bible.
So, give it a read
when you got a chance.
Hey, last time I checked,
Bibles were in libraries.
Hey, good night.
ANNOUNCER: The following
has been a public service
announcement…

Listen to this shit!
Oh, that Ron Burgundy
is the devil.
We got to take back
the airwaves!
Yo, I’m telling you,
Ron Burgundy, he don’t even
know the hell awaitin’ him.
But he sure is handsome.
Frame up two.
Give me a tighter
one on two.
Good evening,
I’m Ron Burgundy.
Here’s what’s going on
in your world tonight,
San Diego.
The group of
bank-robbing radicals
who call themselves
The Alarm Clock
have struck yet again.
Let’s go to Brian Fantana
who’s live on the scene
with a Channel 4
News exclusive. Brian?
Police are still baffled by
this string of politically
motivated robberies.
They have little evidence,
and few leads.
All they can do now
is sit and wait…
What is that stench?
Smells like a biker threw up
on a pile of rotten shrimp.
Hey, jag-off,
why don’t you
keep it down? I’m on TV.
Back to you, Ron.
Which proves yet again
that even a blind man
and his pet
Japanese devil owl
can find true happiness
in this world we live in.
(SIGHS)
Let me take a moment here
just to collect…
Mmm…
A story like that
makes this job hard and
great all at the same time.
(SIGHS)
(EXCLAIMS) A lot of
emotion right now.
A lot of emotion.
Well…
…that’s gonna do it
for all of us here
at Channel 4 News.
God, I’m still shook up.
(SNIFFLES)
I’m still shook up.
That’s gonna do it
for all of us here
at Channel 4 News.
I’m Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy, San Diego.
(TAPE RATTLING)
Hmm.
What’s that?
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
(SIGHS) Just a
little song I heard,
made me think of
a special lady
that I happen to be
driving with right now.
(RON LAUGHING)
Ron, it’s making me
very nervous that you’re
not looking at the road.
Don’t worry.
I know these streets
like the back of my hand.
Mr. Burgundy, please,
would you look at the road?
(HORN BLARING)
WOMAN: Gonna get killed…
(TIRES SQUEALING)
‘Cause it’s really making
me very, very nervous.
This is a Pontiac Catalina,
by the way.
It really handles well
on the open road.
Mr. Burgundy, please,
watch out.
(CARS HONKING)
Hold on. All right.
(CHUCKLES) You have
captivating eyes,
like a… Like a unicorn
or a princess.
Has anyone
ever told you that?
(NERVOUSLY)
No. Thank you.
I’ve never crashed…
…this month.
And earlier last year…
Oh, no. There’s a
Spanish family that’s trying
to get across the road…
Mr. Burgundy, please look.
No, I know,
the Rodriguez family.
VERONICA: Ah!
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
Do you like Thai food?
You should look at
that place over there.
(VERONICA SIGHS)
And if you’re looking
for a good supermarket,
that place is not bad.
VERONICA: Ah!
(LADY SHRIEKS)
(BABY CRYING)
Oh, my God.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
How do you do that?
It’s okay,
we’re almost there.
RON: Let me just
parallel park here.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
(BOTH SIGHING)
There you have it.
Oh!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my.
What a beautiful view,
Mr. Burgundy.
I know.
RON: It always takes
my breath away.
Over there is
the San Diego Observatory.
It’s on the highest point
of the city.
I’ve always had a dream
of doing a broadcast
from there.
Bouncing a telecast
off the planets
and the stars,
through the Milky Way
and onto Jupiter’s arrow.
Broadcasting with the Gods,
I like to call it.
Reaching people
for hundreds and
millions of miles.
So, is this where
Ron Burgundy goes
when he’s tired of being
San Diego’s number one
anchorman?
You are a firecracker.
How is everyone tonight?
Good to see you.
So, ah, here it is.
(CHUCKLES)
My little sanctuary, Tino’s.
Like I said,
it’s not much…
Oh, no, to the contrary.
It’s quite charming
and colorful.
Well, good.
Mr. Burgundy.
Yes.
Because of the story
you did last year about
delinquent landlords,
we had heat for Christmas.
That was October 11th,
Tuesday night,
I was wearing a red tie
with white speckles.
Are you Paula Tran?
You are a national treasure,
Mr. Burgundy.
Well, thank you.
We’ll try to get you some
air conditioning this summer.
(CHUCKLES)
Take care.
Oh, this city
really seems to love you.
Well, it’s like having
one million children,
7% of which are
predominantly Asian.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile,
as Ron and Veronica’s
romance blossomed,

the team found themselves
even more alone…

…and confused.
(LAUGHING)
I saw the funniest thing
the other day.
It was this balloon,
and it was just popping
around on this string.
And I would hit it
with my hand, it would
just keep popping back up.
(LAUGHS)
You guys would have
loved it.
(BRICK CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Let’s do something.
I’m bored.
Hey, I got an idea.
Let’s tear up the Channel 9
News team’s lawn, huh?
Whammy? Huh? Whammy.
Eh, why the hell not?
Hell’s bells, not again!
(ENGINE REVVING)
You sons of bitches!
That’s the fifth time
this month!
I’m getting tired of it.
I was in Korea!
I miss Ron.
(LAUGHING)
You know, I have
an admission to make,
Mr. Burgundy.
When we first met,
l… l…
…thought that you were
just like every other anchor.
But you’re not.
(LAUGHS) God, I was
so tongue-tied that night.
I kept wishing there was
a Teleprompter for life.
(LAUGHS)
It’s ridiculous
to think about now.
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS)
What about you, Veronica?
(SIGHS) Hmm.
What are your hopes?
What are your dreams?
What are your passions?
Well…
…believe it or not,
we share the same dream.
I, too, want to be
a network anchor.
Oh, boy!
And I’d like to be
king of Australia.
Seriously, you sound like
an insane person.
No, I’m very serious,
Mr. Burgundy.
You see, I’ve always been
cursed with a talent
for pursuits
usually dominated by men.
When I was a little girl,
instead of playing house,
I would play
drill sergeant or butcher.
Later on in high school,
instead of trying out
for cheerleading,
I was president of
the bow hunting club.
One morning, I read
the announcements
over the PA,
just the sound of my voice,
so powerful,
commanding all of
those students,
grabbing their attention,
I just…
I knew I had
but one destiny,
and that was to be
the first female anchor.
Yes, the road has been
lonely, and difficult…
…and lonely.
You are electric.
Now, Ron,
friend to friend,
sounds to me like
you better just be careful.
Just take some caution
with this, ’cause…
…you’re really making
a lot of us feel uneasy
with this type of talk.
Well, this morning
when I woke up,
and I saw Veronica
lying there next to me,
for a split second…
I actually cared about
someone more than
Ron Burgundy.
That doesn’t
make any sense!
You’re you,
she’s a whole
different person.
You can’t care about her.
That’s just crazy.
Well, if love is
a form of madness,
then lock me up
and throw away the key.
(CHUCKLES)
RON: Hey, gang!
Papa’s home!
Oh, honey,
I am so glad
you’re home.
Oh! My alabaster doll.
Mmm.
Gentlemen, you look great.
No eye contact!
Oh, darling, oh!
I’ve spent all day
cleaning your Emmys and
preparing dinner in the nude.
Oh, let’s make whoopee.
(GROWLING)
RON: Oh, yes!
You are a bad boy!
I’m bad! I need to go
to the principal’s office.
I love my life!
You take that back
right now, Ron.
Or you tell me right now
that you’re under
some kind of spell
or witchcraft or you got
bit by a horrible bug.
That’s crazy!
So where is Veronma…
Veronamaca now?
She’s off to go do
her first story,
The Feline Fashion Show.
I hope she can handle it.
This is big time.
(APPLAUSE)
Oh, next we have
a popular favorite…
…the bride and the pirate.
Yes, it’s time
for a pirate wedding,
enacted by cats.
EMCEE: And now here’s
Felinus Maximus,
coming out here
ready to do battle.
All right, let’s just
do my sign-off
and get out of here.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hello, my name is Paul.
Um, this is so cool,
what you do.
Maybe we can get
an Orange Julius later
and you can tell me
all about it.
Look, sir, I’m about to
broadcast, so if you’ll
excuse me, please.
I noticed the cables.
They go out into your van.
(SIGHS)
I almost tripped
and broke my leg
on one of them.
If anybody gets
a van like that, can they
broadcast their own news?
Sir, we’re about to go live
in about 20 seconds.
So, you’re really gonna
have to move off. Thank you.
Hey, I can dig it.
You’ve got to let
the truth ring out, and
wake up all the squares
in this city of lies.
So, how about that
Orange Julius…
Get the hell away from me
before I kick you!
And we’re on in three…
It was quite a show
down here at the Pet Shack.
And just for today,
fashion curiosity
did not kill the cat.
It made him look
“purr-fect.”
From the Pet Shack in Fulton,
I’m Veronica Corningstone
for Channel 4 News.
(CHUCKLES)
Nice little story.
That, of course, was
Veronica Corningstone.
I’d also like to
share with you that
currently we are dating.
And I have to tell you,
she’s quite a creative little
partner in the bedroom.
She did this one thing
on Tuesday night
that involved a hula-hoop
and a lasso…
…and an ice cream scooper.
MAN: Ron.
What?
Well, that’s going to do it
for all of us here at 6:00.
For the Channel 4 News team,
I’m Ron Burgundy.
You stay classy, San Diego.
Oh, that’s good.
That’s just good.
You’re not eating
your food.
Oh, you stupid, stupid man!
I can’t believe that
you said that we were
dating on the air, Ron!
I thought you would like it!
Don’t you get it, Ron?
Well, I doubt
anyone heard it,
I said it very fast.
Besides,
I think people…
Hey, you two.
Congrats on getting it on.
Oh, thanks you,
it really is remarkable.
Yeah. I bet you’re both
great in the sack.
(SIGHING)
Let’s just say
we get the job done.
And this little lady
right over here, she knows
how to handle herself.
MAN: Yeah.
Okay.
Are you both athletic?
You know what,
I have a bad back.
Bad lower back,
so I have to
watch out for that.
But other than that,
I will do some things
in the bedroom
that’ll blow your mind.
Ron! Shh!
Yeah, hey.
Enjoy your meal.
That was very nice.
(SIGHS)
I’m sorry,
Veronica. I…
I truly am!
I don’t know what to say,
I just…
I got excited.
(SIGHS) Look,
I report the news,
that’s what I do.
And today’s top story
in Ron Burgundy’s world
read something like this.
I love
Veronica Corningstone.
Oh, Ron!
Are you two about
to get it on?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not right now, maybe later.
Okay, stop answering him.
I’m just trying
to be polite.
You know, getting it on’s
a beautiful thing, you know.
Yeah, hi, hi!
Geoff Grendon. I didn’t
introduce myself, Geoff.
E-O-double F.
Geoff Grendon.
If you all need photos…
If you ever need
wedding photography…
Great.
Or boudoir photography.
I’d love to write that down.
If you have a pen,
I don’t have a pen on me.
You’re being
very inappropriate.
Yeah, hey… Do y’all
need more cheese? I can…
Honey, can I have your napkin
to write down Geoff’s name?
G…
G-E-O-F-F…
G-E-O-F-F Grendon.
Grendon.
Well, I understand,
Mr. Dawson.
But, he is my son
and I would prefer
if you didn’t refer to him
as “a dirty little animal.”
Well, okay, if that
makes you feel happy.
But let me just say I…
I really feel that Chris
is at a point
that he’s ready to
turn everything around.
What’s that?
You don’t?
Well, fair enough.
But let me just say…
Let me just…
Let me… Okay.
All right. Well, thanks
for listening to my side
of it anyway, sir.
You have a nice day.
Goodbye.
Um, I could come back
later, Mr. Harken.
Ah, no, no,
it’s just parent stuff.
It seems that
our youngest, Chris,
was joyriding
with a sheet of acid
and a spear gun.
Anywho, what can I
do you for?
Well, Mr. Harken,
I wanna investigate
The Alarm Clock.
Now a source of mine
at the FBI
says that they are planning
a citywide disruption.
Why don’t you take
a shot at the meatloaf
story, honey,
and we’ll see
how that goes.
Well, what if I refuse?
Well, then you’ll
probably be fired.
Garth, let me
handle this!
I’d probably have to
fire you, sweet pants.
Well, then I would
sue you, sir,
for sexual harassment.
Ooh, I like
the sound of that.
Sexual Her-ass-ment.
Oh, Mr. Harken, you have
a lot to learn about
a professional
work environment.
(MOCKING) Mr. Harken,
you have a lot
to learn about
a professional
work environment.
Now, that is very immature
and counterproductive.
That is very immature
and counterproductive.
Stop it.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
No. “Stop it.”
Oh my God, nobody has
done that to me since
I was in the sixth grade.
No one has done that to me
since the sixth grade.
Screw you, Harken!
Wait a minute, are you
coming on to me?
Because if you are,
I am interested!
NARRATOR: Veronica was
doing extremely well as
Ron’s co-anchor,

some would even say
too well.

Veronica continued to win
awards and garner praise.

Ron’s ego finally gave.
He would love Veronica,
he would even share
a news desk with her,

but he would not be
outshone by her.

She’s got to be stopped.
This has gone too far.
I will not be a co-anchor.
Ron Burgundy
is a lead anchor.
She’s writing
her own stories.
Her own stories, Ron.
Not to mention what this is
doing to your chances of
going to network.
(GROWLS)
It’s good to
have you back, Ron.
That female messed with
your head big time.
I like Ron.
Hmm, thank you, Brick.
You fellas, remember
that limp-wristed fairy
that was supposed to do
the financial reports?
Oh yeah, we were
51% sure he was gay.
No, he was gay,
all right.
I made out with him
at the Christmas party.
What?
Uh, nothing.
I say we run
Corningstone out
like we did that
girlie-boy.
Well, I’m in.
So, it’s settled.
We declare war
on Corningstone.
By the way, Brick,
what is that
you’re eating?
Oh, it’s one of those
delicious falafel hot dogs
with cinnamon and bacon
on top.
What do you mean
one of those?
Those don’t exist.
I mean, that’s a used
coffee filter with
cigarette butts on it.
Well, I got it out of
the food basket at
the end of the lunch line.
That’s the garbage can.
Mmm-hmm.
Although with the cooking
at this place,
there’s not much difference.
Whammy.
(ALL LAUGHING)
RON: Oh, that is true.
I didn’t see that coming.
An astute observation
has led to laughter.
We are laughing.
And it is continuing,
and then slowing
down a little,
but there’s still
a good spirit.
Yeah, we got it, Ron.
It’s getting less.
There’s a little chuckle…
…and it’s done.
You really wreck moments
when you do that, Ron.
Brick, please,
you’re really gonna
get sick.
The Coast Guard
was unavailable
for comment.
Veronica?
A North Oregon man
has come forward
with an antique sword
he found in his basement.
Turns out the sword
belonged to
Christopher Columbus himself
and may be worth
more than $200,000.
The man said he would
keep his job as
a car wash attendant.
Ron?
Um…
The San Diego Padres…
…flew to Cincinnati.
(PHONE RINGS)
Veronica Corningstone.
Is this
Veronica Corningstone?
Yes, it is.
(CHUCKLING)
Did you order 10 pizzas?
No, I did not.
Well…
(LAUGHING)
You got nice boobies.
Excuse me?
(RON AND CHAMP LAUGHING)
This is pathetic, Ron.
What are you doing, Ron?
(WHISPERING) Uh-oh.
She can see us.
Damn these blinds,
I never figured them out.
Lasers are becoming
more and more
a part of our daily lives.
And now here’s Champ Kind
with sports.
Boy, you seem kind of
weird tonight, honey.
It must be
that time of the month.
Whammy!
(CHUCKLES)
Padres looking at
a double header today.
I’m just curious, Champ,
do you even know what
the expression “that time
of the month” means?
Sure I do.
It’s when the bones
in a lady…
Lady’s boobs,
they get sore.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Because the vaginalistic
cells are expanding.
Whammy.
Help.
Well,
I’ll tell you…
VERONICA: Mmm-hmm?
You girls… Well you
talk about it a lot
and you…
I know this,
I know… I know…

Uh, it’s your
little friend,
and then,
you gotta wear…
…protection.
Mmm.
And then,
the belly button
is inflamed
and, eh…
And then
engorging of the…
(CLEARS THROAT)
Fah-la-cule.
Fallacule.
Yeah. You might wanna
write that down, honey.
Oh, I am.
Little lesson tonight.
Did you know you were dealing
with the science desk
probably there, huh?
CHAMP: And then…
…nine months later
is the miracle of life.
Whammy, huh?
(SIGHS)
Thank…
Thank you, Champ.
That will do it for sports.
Back to you, Ron.
Well, that was Champ Kind
with a very informative
sports report.
Okay, it’s ringing,
it’s ringing.
Oh, shit. Here she comes.
Okay, pick it up.
(LAUGHING) Pick it up.
Veronica Cor…
(BOTH LAUGHING ON PHONE)
Ah, hello, Veronica.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, Ron.
Really stupid, boys!
Really stupid!
Oh, you got her.
Everybody get down,
this is a robbery!
(ALL SCREAMING)
We are The Alarm Clock.
It’s time to let
the truth ring out
and wake up
all the squares
in this city of lies!
We got guns,
now fill this sack
with cash!
Ah, what do your
masks mean?
Just fill the sack
with cash!
Just what point
are you trying to make?
Do you not like Lincoln?
Yeah, of course
we like Lincoln.
He freed the slaves.
So you like Lincoln and…
…Nixon and werewolves?
What?
I mean, Nixon,
whatever, he’s kind of
a creep, but werewolves?
Werewolves are
the walking undead.
They’re
bloodthirsty killers.
Who likes werewolves?
We don’t like
werewolves, man!
We hate werewolves!
Well, you’ve got
a werewolf mask on, so…
I can see that.
Are you
bloodthirsty killers?
No, we are not
bloodthirsty killers,
okay? We’re pacifists!
That’s not a really
smart thing to tell somebody
when you’re robbing them,
okay, that you’re pacifist.
Because now I know
that you’re not gonna
kill me.
Man, somebody
shut her up!
PAUL: No, no, listen.
You’ve got it
all wrong, okay?
This is just to
cover our faces.
No, I’m not gonna
give you money, because
you didn’t deserve it.
I mean, you say
you’re a political group?
You come in here
with a Nixon mask,
and a werewolf mask
and a Lincoln mask…
I’m gonna make connections.
So, what’s your statement?
And this guy’s not even
wearing a mask!
‘Cause I don’t give a shit.
That’s scary to me.
That works.
I will give that gentleman
a little bit of money.
But the rest of you,
beat it!
Paul, what’s going on?
Just get the money!
Hey, listen.
Our commitment is
to truth, not consistency.
Now fill the sack with cash!
Fine, your commitment
is to truth?
Here’s some truth for you.
The Alarm Clock
is a ridiculous name.
It’s not scary.
Man, she’s pissing me off,
let’s shoot her!
Excuse me, sir,
could you
lower your voice?
Oh, hell no.
Now you’re
calling me sir?
I am a ma’am, ma’am.
I’m sorry, I didn’t know
what sex the werewolf was.
How many werewolves
do you see around here
wearing a skirt and a gun?
None!
You know what?
Get out of here, you dicks!
You’re a bunch of dicks!
I told you we should’ve
worn stocking masks.
All right,
let’s get out of here!
PAUL: All right, let’s go.
Come on. Come on.
It’s been a pleasure
doing business with you.
I’m coming back for you.
You got a bad attitude.
You’ve got
a bad attitude, sir.
You… You’re a jerk.
MOUSE: I’m sick of this.
I’m gonna move to Tahoe.
PAUL: No! I mean,
be cool, baby,
we’re gonna
get our message
on TV, I promise.
I would like
the next person
in line, please.
PAUL ON VIDEOTAPE:
Everybody get down!

(SCREAMING)
We are The Alarm Clock,
it’s time to let t
he truth ring out

and wake up all the squares
in this city of lies.

We got guns,
now fill this sack
with cash!

Turn it off.
This was their
sloppiest robbery yet,
which could mean
they’re getting desperate.
How new is this?
Forget it.
Channel 9 already aired it
as an exclusive.
Aw, man nipple!
“Man nipple?”
GARTH: Is that
a curse word?
I’m pretty sure it is.
It’s too bad, Ed.
We could’ve used
a scoop like this.
(SIGHS)
“Wake up all the squares
in this city of lies.”
God, I’ve heard that
somewhere before.
Really? Doesn’t ring
a bell to me.
VERONICA: Donna? Donna?
Donna?
(GASPS)
Oh! I’m sorry.
You okay?
Yes.
Ah, listen, Donna,
I need the unedited tape
of the cat fashion show
that I did a while back.
Do you have that?
Sure, Ms. Corningstone.
Oh, wonderful.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Here we go.
Oh, good, thank you.
Can I just say that
I think you’re fantastic?
Oh…
I see you, and
you’re just going.
And you’re a girl.
It just makes me
want to yell,
“Keep going, girl!”
(LAUGHING)
Or “You go, girl!”
Keep working on that.
“Keep it up, lady.”
I don’t know.
That’s probably silly.
Are we done here?
Oh, oh, yeah.
Okay. All right,
thank you, Donna, very much.
And you’re pretty.
(LAUGHS)
And I’m bisexual.
I’m having a fondue party…
…in my pants.
So, you’re really gonna
have to move off. Thank you.

Hey, I can dig it.
You’ve got to
let the truth ring out,

wake up all the squares
in this city of lies.

Garth, put Harken
on the phone right now,
he’s gonna wanna hear this.
(CHUCKLES)
Sons of bitches.
Ed?
Can you spell “award”?
You can’t?
ANNOUNCER: You’re watching
Channel 4 News

with Ron Burgundy,
and introducing
our new lead anchor,

Veronica Corningstone.
It’s Channel 4 News
at 6:00.

I’m Ron Burgundy.
And I’m
Veronica Corningstone.
Tonight’s top story.
A chemical spill
outside of Temecula
has closed down
all lanes of Interstate 15.
CHP has evacuated the area,
and has reported
that there are no injuries.
Local officials are concerned
about the long-term
environmental effects
and are looking
where to place the blame.
Yeah, that’s nice, Billy.
I’ve witnessed train wrecks
that weren’t this ugly.
Also, in other news today,
if you’re planning on
taking the city bus,
it’s gonna cost you extra.
City officials have
raised bus fares
from 25cents a ride
to 35cents,
so you’re gonna have to
dig a little deeper.
Fine!
ED: I know this has been
real hard for you, Ron.
I’m not gonna
lie to you, Ed,
it’s been a bear.
You aren’t crying,
are you?
Nope.
I wouldn’t think
any less of you if you did.
I’m not gonna cry,
come on.
All right.
If it’s any
consolation, Ron,
this girl is good.
She is damn good.
She is a
dynamic anchor.
Yeah.
What’s more, she is
a hell of a journalist
in the field.
I know you don’t
wanna hear it.
I get it, I get it.
Now look, I think
it’s time that I
get out on the streets
and do some real
hard-hitting journalism,
you know?
I wanna… I wanna…
I’ve really been pondering,
and I think I’d make
a hell of a reporter.
Oh, boy, Ron,
I think that is
a bad idea.
You know, you don’t
do well without
a Teleprompter.
Well, that’s just
a rumor, okay?
Now look, let me
put together
a weekly feature
where I rip the lid off
of some big story.
(TIRES SCREECH)
Hey Harken,
nice suspenders, dick.
(LAUGHING)
What was that all about?
That’s my son.
Look, Ron, people seem to
like you. I’m not sure why,
but I’ll tell you what.
I’m gonna put you
in the field
if that’s what you want.
Great.
But you’ve got to
do this right.
I mean, follow leads,
confirm sources.
I am talking
real journalism,
my friend.
Great. Right on.
Now, what’s a lead?
Well, Ron, a lead is
when you find information
that “leads” you
to larger stories.
And of course,
you know what
a source is.
Yes. No, I lied,
I don’t know.
Well, a sour…
Oh, Jeez.
Why don’t you just watch
Corningstone?
She has a handle on
what’s going on.
Okay.
She’s always on the phone,
she’s viewing tapes.
Right.
She’s probably got
dozens of juicy leads.
I’ll watch her like a hawk.
You do that. I have
confidence in you.
Now, I’m gonna
go grab some steam.
Great.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Ron, I’m gonna
go grab some steam.
Oh, right.
See you back at the office.
I’ll see you, Ed.
I won’t let you down.
Helen?
Helen, has anyone
been at my desk?
Because I am missing
some very important
papers that I need
for a story
that I’m working on.
Yes, Ron came by,
he said there were some
naked pictures of him
he wanted to get them
back from you, so…
What? He did what?
Oh, that man!
I hope that crazy gypsies
castrate him
and feed it to the dogs!
(GRUNTING)
(SIGHS)
May I have some tea?
Yes, of course.
You have such passion.
All right, team,
I’ve got a hot lead
right here.
Really? Where’d you get it?
Stole it
from Corningstone.
Oh, cool, what is it?
It says Paul Hauser,
a tropical fish clerk
at Pet Shack,
is head of
the radical political group
known as The Alarm Clock.
Has his home address
and everything.
Oh, my golly.
This is great.
Wow.
This is a big story.
You could win
the Wurlitzer for this.
Hey, look, a camera.
Hey, if I win the Wurlitzer,
you guys are all coming
to the dinner.
What do you say
we do it, gang, huh?
Sweet sugar brown.
Step on it, Brian.
We’re about to rip
the lid off of this thing.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
I’m Ron Burgundy,
San Diego,
and it’s time to rip
the lid off of it!
I’m Ron Burgundy,
reporting to you
from the mean streets
of San Diego.
So mean, in fact,
I feel frightened
for my life.
Guess what, citizens?
A political radical
who’s been eluding
authorities for months
is living here, among you.
But I’m now going to
rip the lid off of it!
RON: Let’s go. Hurry up.
Be swift. Be swift.
(DOG BARKING)
Stay close, guys.
Let’s go, guys,
stay sharp.
Well, if it isn’t Mr. Hauser.
How are you today, devil?
What?
You heard what I said.
You are the devil incarnate.
What is that,
a devil sandwich
made of lies and hubris?
I think you must have
the wrong house.
Do I have
the wrong house?
Yeah, Hauser lives
across the street.
Oh, that’s a
deceptive ploy,
isn’t it?
I ought to knock you
in the hip.
My name is
Anthony Caltrans.
Why don’t you
shut your mouth,
you filthy piece of trash?
Go to back to prison
where every pervert
can pass you around
for cigarettes.
I don’t understand.
What’s happening?
Would you like to tell
the fine people of San Diego
what you’ve been up to?
Lies, corruption, deceit?
Thuggery, buffoonery.
Me?
I don’t like the way
you’re looking at me.
You should avert your gaze,
because you are
a low-life scum
who doesn’t pay taxes and,
as far as I’m concerned,
is a Communist.
No, not I.
What would you say if I
boxed you in the ears
for San Diego?
This… This ring
right here that
says RB.
I’d knock and break
both of those…
The pair of spectacles
you have on.
I got problems
already with my ears.
I don’t need anymore.
I’ll give you more problems.
I’ll give you problems
in your kidneys.
I’m gonna
batter your kidneys.
Champ, hold on
to the microphone here.
I’m going to town.
CHAMP: Hey, Ron?
This is gonna be good.
CHAMP: Ron, he’s right.
The mailbox,
it says Caltrans.
We got the wrong house.
Oh.
My apologies.
Sorry, you have a great day.
Wrong house.
We make mistakes,
that’s okay. That’s what
happens in the news biz.
All right,
let’s try over here.
Stay focused, guys.
Stay focused,
pick up the pace!
On behalf of Channel 4 News
and the “Rip the Lid Off
of It” gang,
I’d just like to say
thank you
for letting us interview you
on such short notice.
I don’t know why you guys
wanna talk to me,
I just sell tropical fish.
Duly noted.
As a real journalist,
I have to start with
one question…
Are you the leader of
a radical group known as
The Alarm Clock?
No.
Sorry to have
bothered you.
All right, let’s get
that cable up and
shove out of here.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I think we should…
Oh, yes.
Then how do you respond
to these security photos
of you
outside the bank
five minutes before
it was robbed
by four members
of the group?
You’re touching
his face, Brick.
Look alive.
Erm…
Well, that happens
to be my bank.
Just because I go there
doesn’t make me
a dangerous radical.
By that logic, you could
arrest anybody who’s ever
been to a bank.
You know, like
I just… Like I said,
I just… I work
in a pet store,
you know?
Pet Shack, you know?
I sell tropical birds.
Right.
I’m not even…
I’m not much for politics.
Once again, I am sorry.
Big hearty handshake there.
All right, guys,
let’s bring the van
around the front,
and maybe get
lunch at Lancer’s.
(CLEARING THROAT)
I’ll have a veal chop.
Would you
stop coughing, Brian?
(HOARSELY) Look at these.
Do you need a lozenge?
Oh, right.
How could I forget?
Then how do you explain
this clear voice match
between you and the man
in the security cam footage?
A lot of guys
talk like I do.
Maybe it’s my brother.
Your brother?
Hadn’t thought of that.
PAUL: Or…
Or maybe The Alarm Clock
is going off!
(ALARM RINGING)
You’re gonna pay for this,
Ron Burgundy!
Let the truth ring out!
Follow him with the camera!
RON: Oh, boy, he’s fast.
Boy, we really ripped
the lid off of that!
(TIRES SQUEALING)
He took the van.
Oh, my God.
He is a member
of The Alarm Clock.
RON ON VIDEOTAPE:
This is fun!

All right,
what do we do now?

Since this report was filed,
Paul Hauser has disappeared.
Unfortunately,
police were just days away
from arresting him,
but now must start
from scratch.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well, that was
quite a story, Ron.
Well, I appreciate that,
it sure was.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I really kind of
found myself
as a reporter,
as a journalist.
But, that’s my job.
I’m a journalist,

I’m a very good journalist.
I’m a damn fine journalist.
And right now,
I’m sensing some jealousy.
But, that’s
part of the game.
And sometimes
some people are better,
and other people aren’t.
So, coming up
after the commercial break,
Brick Tamland, he’s gonna
have a little weather report
for you.
We have a hot one in store
over here in Fallbrook.
It’s 100, and you can
expect on Tuesday…
Not yet, Brick.
We’ll be right back.
We’ll be right back.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Huh? That’s how you do it.
By the way, P.S.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievably good.
(BRIAN EXCLAIMING)
CHAMP: That came off
really well.
RON: I couldn’t have
done it without you guys.
NARRATOR: Impeding
a federal investigation,

stealing another
reporter’s lead

and not to mention
losing an $80,000
news van,

Ron was fired that night
by Ed Harken.

And once again,
he hit bottom, fast.

MAN: You bastard,
we trusted you.
NARRATOR: In fact,
Ron bottomed out as fast
as just about anyone.

He sometimes bottomed out
when he couldn’t find
a parking place

or if the sports section
was missing from
the paper.

Anyway, I feel like
I’m explaining this
too much.

(PHONE RINGING)
NARRATOR: Sharon!
Damn it, Sharon,

I’m recording narration,
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
turn that phone off.
Sorry about that.
So anyway, he hit bottom.

ANNOUNCER:
It’s Channel 4 News
at 6:00.

Good evening, San Diego.
I’m lead anchor,
Veronica Corningstone.

(RETCHING)
It’s just in.
The group The Alarm Clock,
using the Channel 4 News van,

ran an armored car off
the road today…

RON: Damn it, Harken!
And stole nearly $50,000.
Oh, for crying out loud!
…the van ever since
they stole it from
former anchor, Ron Burgundy.

I hope you’re happy.
I’m just trying to
enjoy my ribs.
(CRYING)
From all of us here
at Channel 4 News,
I’m Veronica Corningstone
and you stay classy,
San Di…
(CLEARS THROAT)
Thanks for stopping by,
San Diego.
MAN: All clear.
Charlie, I needed
that research last week.
Well, get it to me
as soon as possible.
Thank you.
Miss Corningstone?
Yes?
I tried calling
the mayor’s office,
but they won’t call me back.
Well, try again.
Tell them that it’s me and
that he owes me something.
He knows that.
(SIGHING)
Why do you have to
keep typing this
in Chinese, Lloyd?
(SIGHS)
Helen, would you put
Ron on the phone?
Er, you know what?
Forget it.
It’s all right, no.
I’ll call him later.
The V’s aren’t working
on my typewriter.
It’s Eronica Corningstone.
That’s horrible,
they can’t say that.
(SOBBING)
My name’s not Eronica.
(CRYING)
What did I do wrong?
(PHONE RINGING)
(MOANING)
RON: (OVER ANSWERING MACHINE)
♪ I’m not home right now

♪ I am not home
♪ I am out,
so leave a message

♪ When the machine goes beep ♪
(BEEP)
Ron, this is your mentor,
Jess Moondragon.

I thought maybe
you’d like to talk.

Jess…
(MACHINE BEEPS)
Help me.
RON: You’ve done well
for yourself, Jess.
Yeah, I dreaded
retirement forever,
until I found
this piece of land.
It’s God’s country.
Magnificent.
Mother Nature sure got up
on the right side
of bed today, huh?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
She’s a giving lady,
Mother Nature, she is.
She didn’t even bother
to put on makeup.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You know, I’d deeply like
to take her and
make love to her.
Mmm. She’s an elusive
goddess, Mother Nature.
Yeah.
Still, to…
…feel her
succulent breasts
pressed against me…
Mmm.
And my breath,
whispering hot in her ear,
“Yeah, baby…”
While I fumble
with my belt…
You get my drift, friend?
Yeah, yeah I do.
(SIGHS)
I do, but therein
lies the rub,
for she turns away
all suitors.
I’d like to
take Mother Nature
to a sleazy motel,
get in the shower and…
wash each other
all over,
then go in the bedroom
and do things you can
only do in Bangkok.
All right, I’m gonna
have to stop you there.
(LAUGHING)
You’re making me
very uncomfortable.
Sorry, Ron Burgundy, I…
Mother Nature
does that to me.
Hmm.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
So I guess you heard
what happened to me.
I did indeed,
old friend.
Everyone hates me, Jess.
I can’t work anywhere.
My dream of going network
is all but dead.
Now you listen to me,
the world always needs
a good anchor,
and Ron Burgundy
is a damn fine one,
so you just
hang in there.
That’s your advice?
“Hang in there”?
Look, I don’t know why
you ever looked up to me
so much in the first place.
I’m not all that
great a guy.
Well, then, I…
I guess I’ll be going.
You know, it’s funny.
I always wanted
to do a broadcast
from the observatory.
I bet you could reach
a million homes
from up there.
Oh.
Now I’d be happy
to reach just one.
Why don’t you take
a naked nature walk
with me?
It’d cheer you up.
Yeah, I’m not
gonna do that.
Ah, I tell you,
you get out there
and everything’s
just hanging free…
Kind of weird.
(LAUGHING) The deer
come up, sniff you…
Not my style.
It’s neat.
Bend over
to pick a flower
and that cold nose…
(LAUGHING) Okay.
Now I’m getting
uncomfortable.
I got extra sandals.
I bet you do.
No, really, I mean,
you know, come on…
Nope. Nope.
You’d like it.
It’d make me happy.
Nope.
Make an old man happy.
Not gonna do it.
Come on.
(GASPS)
Well, hello,
Miss Anchor-liar.
Guess what?
Now you’re gonna
read the real news.
I hope you don’t mind,
I ate some of
your cottage cheese.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Hey, what’re you doing?
Give me the whistle.
Let’s go.
Come on, come on.
Move!
Move it.
Chris, how many times
have we had
this conversation?
About a million times.
Well, I guess it’ll be
a million and one,
so listen up.
You cannot hang around
people’s houses at night
wearing a ski mask.
I’m not hanging out,
I’m doing stuff.
Well, it makes them nervous.
Sorry, Dad. God.
If you have to
be back there,
take a look,
see what you gotta see
and then leave
like a gentleman.
Bitch.
And if they start
to scream,
don’t try to
“shut them up.”
Is it cool
if I smoke a joint?
Now what do you think?
Oh, sweet.
Thanks, dude.
Will you put
that thing out?
Shut up!
You’re not the boss
of me anymore, I’m 14!
See the hair on my chest?
It means I’m a man now.
I’m sorry I didn’t see it.
You think you’re tough?
Take a swing.
I’ll hit you so hard
you’ll be wearing
a catheter as
a charm bracelet.
I’m right here!
I’m gonna kill myself!
Oh, promises, promises!
Ed! I’m sorry
to interrupt.
It’s all right. We were
just having a little
father and son chat.
Veronica’s MIA.
The police found this note
in her apartment.
“Dig it, at long last,
Miss News Witch
will read the truth.”
Signed The Alarm Clock.
See, Dad?
I told you I wasn’t
part of that group.
Okay, it looks like
I owe your mother $10.
CHRIS: Always accusing me.
Hey, don’t “boge”
on my jay! What’s up?
Oh… Never mind!
I’ll hold that as evidence.
You take this down
to fingerprinting.
We don’t have
fingerprinting, do we?
Well, just file it.
(SIGHS)
You’d do well
to emulate that young man.
He’s pulled himself up
by his bootstraps.
“Garth, take this down
and put it in the files.”
“Garth,
do everything I say.”
Oh, that’s a nice mouth.
I suppose you wanna
be like your friend
who’s so proud of himself
’cause he’s considered
a model prisoner.
Spider at least
has a good heart.
RON: In local news…
Dr. Jim Bavelick
grew the world’s
largest tomato.
Hey, fella,
you need to take a bath.
You’re starting to stink.
You don’t talk
to me like that,
I’m an anchorman.
You take care of that stink,
or I’m gonna call the police.
You hear me, Ace?
Yeah, I hear you, Ace!
I’ll crush your balls
in these two cups here.
What did you say?
I said I’ll crush…
This is Wes Mantooth
reporting live

from the residence
of rival anchorperson
Veronica Corningstone,

where last night she was
apparently kidnapped
by The Alarm Clock.

Veronica.
Police believe that
the group is trying to
get Miss Corningstone

to anchor a pirate broadcast
from an unknown location

of their sick,
twisted message.

And while it is not my job
to speculate,

odds are…
she’s probably
already dead.

I wonder where those
hippies took her.
It must be somewhere
with a big enough
broadcast radius…
Eli Whitney’s nose!
I know where they are!
The San Diego Observatory.
It’s the highest point
in the area.
You need to
call the cops,
there’s a phone
right by the door.
No.
If they go up there
with their sirens blaring,
those crazies
could panic.
I did this.
Now I have to
make it right.
(WHIRRING)
(RATTLING)
Good evening,
I’m Ron Burgundy.
Son of a man nipple.
Mother-flippin’
Ron Burgundy is back.
If I’m gonna do this,
I’m gonna need
my news team at my side.
(BLOWING CONCH)
RON: News team,
assemble!

I’m sorry we turned
our backs on you, Ron.
I’m sorry, Ron.
That was horrible.
Hey, all is forgiven,
all right?
I’m just glad we’re
back together as a team.
(LAUGHING)
We love you, Ron.
Thanks, man.
I love you, Ron.
I said I love you, Ron.
Why is everyone
ignoring me?
I love you, Ron.
And I think we should
adopt a child together
in Vermont.
Answer me!
So…
The… The car’s
running great.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Take it in
for a tune-up?
Yeah.
Changed the oil and…
Uh-huh. Good.
Answer me! Ron!
Ron…
I know you heard me.
I love you.
And I wanna be with you
like men.
I wanna be inside you.
I want you inside me.
BRIAN: Anybody
up for the radio?
I would love to
hear the radio.
No radio!
I have something
to say to Ron!
You know I’ve had feelings
for you for a long time.
We’d be good together,
Ron, I… I…
I’m a good cook.
Do you like
your feet rubbed?
I bet you do.
I’ll rub ’em,
and maybe we could
get married in a ceremony
presided over by
Roger Staubach.
I already
called him last week,
I hope that’s okay with you.
Mexican food on me?
BRIAN: Thanks.
Sounds okay.
Yeah, burrito.
Say it!
Say, “Champ Burgundy.”
Say it!
Tostada.
Tostadas would be great.
BRIAN: Oh, man.
I am in love
with Ron Burgundy!
I’m always thinking
about you, Ron.
I have dream journals
about you.
Filled pages.
When I make love to women,
I close my eyes
and think of you
when I finish.
♪ Ron Burgundy
♪ Is in love with me
♪ Ron Burgundy
♪ And Champion Kind
♪ Oh, let’s be
so beautiful together

♪ Running in the grass
♪ In the summer
and the fall

♪ And wintertime, too ♪
How much longer do
you think, Brian?
I don’t know. I’d say
it’s gotta be at least
another five minutes.
The problem
is the altitude.
Right.
CHAMP: (SOBBING) Ron?
I know you can hear me.
I wanna…
I wanna kiss you
on the mouth.
I wanna…
Ron…
(CLEARING THROAT)
Ron.
Ron…
It’s good to get
my parking spot back.
Yeah.
I love you!
Don’t ignore me!
I am in love
with Ron Burgundy!
(BIRD SCREECHING)
Hey, girl.
Man, the transmitter’s
all set up.
You know,
from this altitude,
we can overlap
into every channel,
every station,
every frequency.
Dig it. It’s time
to light this bad boy up.
I’m gonna tell you.
JESS: Hello, gentlemen.
Everything is ready
for you.
Thank you,
Jess Moondragon.
Boy, you should really
put some pants on.
It’s all right.
Now remember,
the observatory
is directly over
that mountain pass.
Right.
That’s some rough country.
How’re we gonna
get up there?
As I said…
Everything is ready
for you.
God be with you,
Channel 4 News Team!
God be with you!
(GROWLING)
This is serious,
this is not a…
(GROWLS)
No, don’t do that
to him.
(ROARING)
RON: Let’s go, fellas.
Give 110%.
Come on!
We’ve almost got it!
(ALL PANTING)
Stay close, gang.
(SIGHS) This is
treacherous country.
BRIAN: My ankle.
(EXHALES)
Gentlemen, bad news.
I believe we’re lost.
Ron, what’re we gonna do?
We don’t have
any food or water.
Take it easy!
Just everyone relax!
If we panic, we die!
Okay? Easy!
(YELLING GIBBERISH)
RON: Now… (PANTING)
Okay, let’s check
the wind direction.
And… (YELLING)
No, no, shut up!
Everyone shut up!
We’ve got…
some very tough decisions
to make in the next
couple of hours
or maybe even months.
Or even years,
I don’t know.
Just spit it out, RB.
You’re talking
about cannibalism.
Am I? Is that
what I’m talking about?
I guess I am.
I’m talking
about cannibalism.
Developed by the Japanese
in the 1800s,
and now we’re
going to use it
in present day time.
The eating of flesh
for the sustention of life.
What do you think of that?
It’s about to happen!
It’ll have to be
the weakest one.
Sweet Lord, I don’t know
if I can eat a friend.
I once ate
an entire bowl
of Legos.
I don’t care, Brick!
I just don’t care!
How’s that twisted ankle
of yours doing, Brian?
Oh, it’s fine.
I barely even
feel it anymore.
Please, Brian, please.
Don’t struggle.
BRIAN: What are
you guys doing?
Come on.
It’s for the good
of the group.
Just lay down
so we can eat you.
Oh, no.
RON: Don’t make
this any harder
than it has to be.
Stay away from me,
you bastards!
Let me do it, Ron.
Don’t need you being
implicated in this murder.
♪ Hush, little baby,
Daddy’s coming to eat you

♪ Mamma’s gonna buy you
a back of your calf ♪

Wait, don’t eat me,
don’t eat me.
Eat Brick,
he won’t care.
No, that’s fine.
You’re a lot leaner.
BRIAN: Stop it. Guys.
Please relax.
Think of something relaxing,
like a stream or a meadow.
Stay away from me!
Stay away
from me!
Oh!
Stay away
from me.
Okay, yeah.
Back, back, back!
Let me do it.
I’ve wanted to do this
for a long time.
Dreamt of it.
Dreams of Fantana!
Stay away!
I’m gonna eat your face
off your bones, Fantana!
Let me do it, Ron!
You say it,
and I’ll kill this man!
Do it, Champ.
Drop the rock.
No, guys, come on!
Drop the rock.
Drop the rock.
It was an accident,
that’s all.
Pretend I’m a wolverine.
(SCREECHING)
We had to eat him!
We had to!
Don’t struggle.
It’s for the good
of the group.
I’ve never even slept
with a lady!
Hey, you guys.
Look at the big
white bubbly building!
Good work, Brick.
All right, team.
Let’s move out.
Keep a tight perimeter.
Nice job.
All right, gang,
it’s real simple.
Just like when
we were back together
in ‘Nam in ’64.
I’ll take
the point…
(GROWLS)
Stand down,
Corporal Burgundy.
I’m running
this show now.
Affirmative,
a-ffir-ma-tive?
Affirmative.
I’ll take point.
Champ, right flank.
Gator Dirty Teacup.
We will fan out,
to a cobra
double-helix formation.
If we encounter
any hostiles,
silent throat cuts only.
On my mark.
(BEEPS)
Looks like
the captain’s back.
Any word yet
from the police?
Nothing.
No sign of her.
No one’s heard
from the rest of
the news team either.
Well, I hope
they find them soon.
These weekend anchors
we have to fill in are…
just not cutting it.
One of our own
is missing.

Ready two.
Miss Corningstone
of this station,
this very station,

is missing.
We are looking
for any information
we have on the lady.

And you can call…
you can call this number.

Where’s
the friggin’ number?

Ready two.
I do have a message
for one of our viewers.

Mommy,
if you’re watching,
don’t be scared.

I didn’t know
I was coming to work today,
they called last minute.

I left spaghetti
on the stove,

and I swear to God,
I will cut your hair
tomorrow.

I want them
off the air now!
Why don’t you think
about losing the beard?
Her name…
I can’t… Ian!

I can’t find the number!
You see, Mamma?
You see, I told you
I was for real.
When that anchor witch
reads our manifesto,
this city’s gonna
go crazy with
the truth.
Have you finished
the manifesto?
Yeah, it’s almost done.
I gotta get a new
typewriter ribbon.
It’s all up here.
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
Ron! Ron, be careful.
Blink and you’re dead,
’cause we’re in Rome now.
Well, if it isn’t
Whitey McWhitington.
Oh, Ron, I can’t believe
you came for me.
(SIGHS) I’ve been thinking
about you every second.
Oh.
Part of the time
wanting to kill you,
because of my hatred.
Another time,
wanting to make love to you
in a 24-hour endless cycle.
(SIGHS)
Ron, there’s something
that you should know.
(SHUSHING)
You needn’t say a word.
But, Ron,
I wasn’t myself.
I was angry, I was consumed
with ambition and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry,
my little chinchilla.
If it wasn’t
for my stupid pride,
we wouldn’t be
here right now.
Okay, here’s
what’s gonna happen,
Miss Corningstone.
In 10 minutes,
we’re going live.
At that point,
you will read
our statement.
The hell I will.
Then we kill you.
Go ahead.
I am an anchor
and I would rather die
than lose my credibility.
I’ll do it.
(SIRENS WAILING)
I’ve just been informed
by law enforcement
that this is the largest
search-and-rescue
operation ever
to be conducted
in the San Diego
metropolitan area.
Is this worth
our tax dollars?
Maybe it is.
You decide that.
One thing here today
is for sure, though,
this is a frightening
and confusing story.
But I’m here for you,
San Diego.
Go on, pull up a chair.
Put your hand
on the TV set.
We’ll get through
this thing together.
I am Wes Mantooth,
journalist, friend…
Human being.
Listen up, everybody.
We’re going
live on the air
in two minutes.
I’m ready to go here.
But I have to be
honest with you…
This copy you’ve handed me,
it’s not your best work.
It’s awful.
But I can’t possibly
read this on the air.
Besides, it needs to be typed
and preferably double-spaced.
Courier, Helvetica,
Monaco, I don’t know.
Okay, all right, enough.
I’m… I’m almost finished.
I’m almost done.
I’ve just got to
do this one part here.
Man!
What the hell, Paul?
You been
writing that manifesto
for three months, man.
Read it before
I kick your ass.
(IMITATING MALCOM Y)
Yeah, you jive turkey,
Paul, read it.
You wanna hear the manifesto?
Okay, fine, here it is!
Here is how The Alarm Clock
will change the world forever!
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
All right, you know
how when we
drink beer or soda,
and then we throw out
the bottles and cans?
Well,
how about we start saving
those bottles and cans?
Reuse them.
You are a lunatic.
Yeah,
you’d need a whole ‘nother
garbage can for the bottles.
People would
never do that.
Well, wait,
what about…
You didn’t let
me get to the part
about electric cars,
so we don’t have to be
dependent on foreign oil!
Electric cars?
Man, are you
high right now?
You are, aren’t you?
I know you took
some of my weed!
Whoa, whoa, whoa…
Some of my weed
is missing
out of my purse.
It was you!
I would just
shoot him right now.
We gotta… We gotta
let the people know
that meat is good for you,
and potatoes make you fat!
Oh, man.
You know what?
I cannot believe
I did you in the hammock.
I gave you all
my Juicy Fruit, and then
you treat me like this.
I have had it!
We can’t read
this crap on the air.
We should
all have computers
in our houses,
every one of us,
so that we could
talk to each other
with the computers.
Mmm-hmm.
That’s gonna happen.
KANSHASHA X: Oh, no.
Uh-uh. Now,
you’re talkin’ crazy.
Man, did you
eat lunch today?
Man, you’ll make us look
like we some kind of joke.
Man, this guy’s a fake.
Hey, you, anchorman.
Get on the TV
and make us sound good.
Matter of fact,
get on there and
do some of that newspeak
so we can have
the people hear
about truth and freedom.
They’ll believe you.
Get on there, man.
It’s just not that simple.
I need a Teleprompter
and I need proper copy.
Then the pretty lady dies.
Ron.
Man, look,
make us sound good
or the lady dies.
We’re on live
in 10, nine,
eight, seven, six…
I need a Teleprompter,
I can’t!
Ron…
Five, four,
three, two,
and we’re live.
What’s happening,
Daddy?
What happened to the TV?
What in the Sam Hill…
Bob, what’s going on?
It’s on all three channels,
there’s not a thing I can do.
They’re breaking our signal.
(PANTING)
Uh…
What the hell’s
wrong with him?
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
Good lord!
He’s got no Teleprompter.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
He has no words.
(GASPS)
Wash…
Washcloth.
Damn it.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
(PANTING)
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
My name is Ron…
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
I can’t think of a word.
Think of any word,
just say it.
Camel…
Process the informa…
It’s just a blank slate.
When I close my eyes,
it’s a blank slate.
Man, this guy’s a fool, man!
Smoke that chick!
Happy birthday to me.
Ron, say something.
My name is Kyle…
My name is Big Mark.
It’s too loud.
It’s too loud.
(SHOUTS) My name is Big…
Too loud.
I’m Ron Channely…
I’m Mark A-As-Aspen.
Aspen, Colorado. Mark.
Florida, pancake.
Astronauts are on the moon.
There’s astronauts everywhere.
Watch out
for the astronauts.
Ron.
There’s no Teleprompter,
I can’t do it.
Ron, it’s jazz.
It’s jazz, baby.
Let it flow.
Let it flow.
I can feel it.
I can feel it.
Good evening.
I’m Ron Burgundy,
reporting from life.
I’d first like to apologize
for my past
and hateful transgressions.
I am sorry,
dear San Diego.
First of all,
I’d like you to know
that I’m safe.
However, I’m under
the careful scrutiny
of a group of young
upstarts who call
themselves The Alarm Clock.
And I have to say,
although their methods
may be questionable,
they are on the road
to righteous truth.
That’s it, that’s it.
Use them
anchorman tricks.
Have all them
people follow us.
A road that if you follow it
with your heart,
it will lead you,
oddly enough,
by the old Mobil station
near the old
pickle stand…

Wait a minute.
He’s giving directions
to where they are.
Take this down.
…to Old Gearson Road.
A group that outshines
many of the radicals
we come across today.
MALCOLM Y: Good, you’re good.
In fact, they are bright,
pearly, shining stars,
that needn’t be observed
by, say, a telescope
in an observatory.
Hey, he’s narcing on us!
He’s telling
the cops where we are!
News team! Commence
Delta, Charlie, Charlie!
Yo, yo, yo!
We’ve been burned!
What in the
name of Solomon?
What the shit?
Oh, I’m gonna
kill these punks.
ALL: News team!
Let’s rock.
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
Pardon me.
Good work, team.
Garbanzo!
It’s just a new catch
phrase I was trying out
instead of whammy.
No, I’d stick
with whammy, Champ.
Whammy works.
I like whammy better.
Stick with whammy.
I’m not a fake!
Let the revolution begin!
(DISTORTED) Veronica!
Ron!
Spiderman’s balls,
that hurt!
Oh, Mr. Burgundy,
you took a bullet for me.
And I would not
do that again.
Let’s be clear on that.
I care for you deeply,
but that…
It hurts!
Oh, it hurts
like a bitchy-bitch.
Mr. Burgundy, there are
literally thousands of men
that I should
be with instead,
but I love you.
(APPLAUSE)
Baby, cuff me.
Cuff me back up.
Yes.
You’re gonna get cuffed.
Cuff me back up.
Cuff me back up, yes!
You’re a bad girl. Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh. Now we’re
doing this.
Oh!
Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.
VERONICA: Oh, yeah!
RON: Oh, yeah.
RON: Oh, hey… (GROANS)
Say, you’re cutting off
the circulation
to my hindquarters.

It’s hypnotic.
RON: Release the pressure.
Yet disgusting.
RON: I’m gonna pass out.
Oh, that feels good.
That feels good, baby.
Oh, that’s nice.
(BOTH MOANING)
Now it’s gonna get good.
Now it’s gonna get good.
VERONICA:
Get it off, get it off.

Get it off, get it off.
Get that off.
Get that off.
Get that off!
(GROWLS)
Wait. Wait.
What?
Punch me in the arm.
Oh, again!
Did it hurt, baby?
Yes!
Did it hurt?
Wake up the black lady.
VERONICA: Oh!
Cuff me, cuff me, cuff me.

Cuff me, cuff me, cuff me.
Oh! Yes, yes, yes!
Slap it, slap me, slap me.
What do I slap?
Slap my ass, Daddy!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I’m gonna punch it now.
Oh, Mommy likes
those tomatoes!
I wanna bite it!
I like those tomatoes!
I wanna bite that…
(RON GROWLING)
I’m hungry.
Yeah.
We don’t need to
see this anymore.
Let’s go to
Charlie Lancer’s
and get you a candle.
Candle!
(CHUCKLING)
A nice red one.
(LAUGHING)
(CHEERING)
NARRATOR:
As for the news team,

Brian Fantana
is still a successful
reality TV host.

And recently,
he married Paula Abdul.

The ceremony
took place at Shutters

and Lorenzo Lamas
was the best man.

Champ Kind has fallen
on hard times

since being fired
as an NFL commentator.

He now sells those
big crayon balloons

in the parking lot
of the Ice Capades.

And will say “Whammy!”
at birthday parties for $20

and a 12-pack of Stroh’s.
After serving as Bush’s
top political advisor
for three years,

Brick went into
the private sector,

where he is now
the CEO of Halliburton.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Mr. Burgundy,
Chad Reynolds,
I’m with the network.
We’re doing
a when-the-newsman-
becomes-the-news angle.
How would you
like to report
your own story?
Network, huh?
I’m Ron Burgundy.
And if you’re looking
for the best coverage
of this story,
you need
the best journalist.
And that would be
this little lady
right behind me.
Oh, no, Ron.
I can’t.
Yes, you can.
You’re the best
I’ve ever seen,
and that’s a fact.
Oh, Ron.
Can you feel it?
This is a very,
very special and
emotional moment.
I’ve learned
to accept you
for who you are
and I’m a
much better man
because of it.
Ron…
And so special.
And it’s happening
right now.
Honey, you’re wrecking it.
Right.
Have at it,
my little wildflower.
(EXHALES)
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
I’m Veronica Corningstone
reporting for Channel 4 News.
Today could have been
a very dark day
if not for
the quick thinking
of one brave man.
VERONICA: Ron Burgundy.
Ron Burgundy,
I hate you.
But damn it,
I respect you.
NARRATOR: Wes Mantooth
is still in San Diego
and still number two.

And he still hates
Ron Burgundy

with an unnatural
burning intensity.

The Alarm Clock
was jailed for five years,

but upon being released,
started a little company
called Macintosh.

They are now worth
six billion dollars,

and own the
San Jose Sharks
hockey team.

All photos and tapes
of Ron Burgundy

have long since been
thrown away or erased.

He’s but a memory now
for a select few.

But talk to one
of those old timers

and they’ll lean in
and say one thing,

Ron Burgundy
was the truth.

These plug-ins are interesting!! Legendary TV anchor Ron Burgundy is back in this alternate saga of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. As Ron finds his popularity in a tailspin, competitor Veronica Corningstone gets a lead on a career-making story involving a radical protest group.

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