Jim Gaffigan: Obsessed

– ♪ Atten-hut! ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Atten-hut! ♪
♪ Atten-hut! ♪
[cheers and applause]
male announcer: Ladies
and gentlemen, Jim Gaffigan.
[cheers and applause]
– Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!
Oh, that is so insincere.
All I did was walk
from over there
and act like
I’m not out of breath.
What is that,
like 5 feet?
It is good to be here in Boston.
Thank you for coming out.
[cheers and applause]
Excited to be here.
I don’t know if you can tell
by my beard, but I’m fat.
I don’t know what happened.
All I did was eat constantly,
and then, boom.
I’m fat.
It seems unfair.
I can’t stop eating.
I can’t.
I haven’t been hungry
in, like, 12 years.
I’m like, “Oh, I’m so full.
I guess I’ll have some cheese.
“I don’t even like this cheese.
Guess I’ll finish it.
Maybe this
will make me hungry.”
Do you ever tell yourself that?
Maybe this will make me hungry.
It’s either that
or feel my feelings.
You know what, you’re only
eating your feelings.
Yeah, but they’re delicious.
I can’t stop eat–
You ever look at medication
that says,
“Don’t take
on an empty stomach”?
Never a concern of mine.
Doesn’t apply to me.
You’re not supposed
to go swimming till–
technically I should
never go swimming.
Like, if you saw me in a pool,
you’d be like,
“Arrest that man!
And tell him
not to wear a Speedo.”
I don’t need that image.
I used to be thin,
when I was six.
I’ve put on some weight, but
luckily, this is intentional.
I don’t want to brag
or anything,
but I’m preparing
for kind of a big role.
It’s a cinnamon roll.
I don’t want to look
like I can’t finish it.
You know what I mean?
Once after a show,
a woman came up to me,
and she was like,
“You’re not that fat,”
like it was a compliment.
I was like, “Well, thank you.
You’re not that polite.”
But I am fat.
You know, some people
should be fat, you know.
We all have that friend
that’s lost tons of weight.
And whenever you see them,
you always think,
“You looked better fat.
“You’re thin,
but you look exhausted.
“Go back to being fat.
Looking at you makes me
want to sit down.”
“Nothing tastes
as good as thin.”
I can think
of a thousand things.
Even unsalted French fries
taste better than thin.
You ever eat fries
without salt on them?
You’re like, “Huh,
these could use some salt.
“But that would mean
I’d have to get up and move.
I’ll just imagine
there’s salt on them.”
Feels like a sacrifice.
You’re like, “What am I?
A pioneer here?
“Sucking it up. I should be
on that show Survivor.
“Once I had fries
without salt on them,
so I could probably
live anywhere, really.”
I just wish I wanted
to eat something healthy.
Recently, I saw an apple,
and for a moment–
just–just a moment–
I didn’t recognize it.
I was like, “What is that?
Oh, that’s an apple!
It’s so weird
to not see it in a pie.”
But fruit.
No one really wants fruit.
It’s too much work
with fruit, right?
You’ve got to wash it.
You’ve got to peel off that
sticker Al-Qaeda put on there.
There’s work,
like an orange–
Has peeling an orange ever
really been worth it?
There’s not even chocolate
in this.
And some weirdos that use
the gathering of fruit
as an activity.
“Why don’t we go
apple picking?”
“‘Cause I’d rather die.”
You have to pay
to pick apples.
Okay, how much do I owe you
to work for you for free?
Don’t rip me off.
I’m no dummy.
Yet we still act excited
when we see fruit.
We’re like, “Yay, fruit!”
At least it’s not vegetables.
‘Cause no one
wants vegetables.
When you’re at a party
and they have a vegetable tray,
aren’t you almost surprised?
You’re like, “Wow.
That’s a waste of money.
Hell, I’d rather eat
a candle.”
Oh, suddenly I’m the only one
here that’s eaten a candle.
Okay, everybody.
No one wants
a vegetable tray.
Everyone knows
“crudite” is French
for “throw away
in a couple hours.”
I feel sorry for
those vegetables on the tray.
They’re like,
“What am I doing here?
“I can’t compete
with pigs in a blanket.
“I’m a cauliflower,
for God’s sakes.
Like that ranch dressing’s
gonna help?”
Ranch dressing.
Some of us have to settle down
with the ranch dressing.
The usage is ridiculous.
“I love ranch dressing.
I like to dip my pizza
in ranch dressing.”
That’s fine.
You’re just not allowed
to vote anymore.
‘Cause ranch dress–
You know
how they make ranch dressing?
Buttermilk and sadness.
That’s the only ingredients.
Interesting fact.
Before they came up
with ranch dressing,
no one had eaten
a raw vegetable ever.
But we know
we don’t want vegetables.
But we haven’t wanted fruit
for hundreds of years.
That’s why
there’s so many paintings
in museums
of just bowls of fruit.
Because you could start
painting a bowl of fruit.
You could leave
for a couple days, come back.
No one would have touched
the bowl of fruit.
But if you’re painting
a donut,
you better finish it
on the first sitting.
You can’t even
take a bathroom break.
“Hey!
What happened to my donut?”
Your friends say,
[imitates full mouth]
“I don’t know.
Some fat guy came in here.
Anyway, I gotta get
some milk and take a nap.”
That’s why
there’s no donut art.
It’s sad, really.
When’s the last time you saw
a painting of a donut?
The police,
they love donuts, right?
Hey, cop.
Why don’t you get a donut?
Cops love donuts.
Which is
an interesting stereotype,
because you know
who else loves donuts?
Absolutely everyone.
Of course
cops love donuts,
’cause they know the difference
between right and wrong.
And not liking donuts
is wrong!
Have you ever met someone
that doesn’t like a donut?
You want to know why?
Because they’re in jail.
When you’re in a donut shop
and you see a police officer,
don’t you feel like
something special’s happened?
[gasps]
An angel just got its wings.
It’s special.
[chuckling] I had a donut
before I came onstage.
I was with a friend
last week.
I was like,
“You want to get a donut?”
He was like, “I’m not hungry.”
I’m like, “What does that
have to do with it?”
As if there’s ever been
a good reason to eat a donut.
Well, doctor says I need
more powdered sugar in my diet.
Donuts are bad for you,
and according
to my health nut wife,
they’re “not appropriate
for a trail mix,” you know.
I’m just
on a different trail, right?
Mine leads
to the emergency room.
That joke will be even funnier
when I die from cardiac arrest.
“That’s why I didn’t laugh.”
Donuts are
all about taste.
In Los Angeles, there’s a place
called Yum Yum Donuts.
It’s like, what?
Do you need the IQ of 1
to find that appealing?
Yum Yum?
Me like yum yum.
It’s like, who’s
the target audience, cavemen?
I know two thing.
Yellow fireball rise in sky
and Yum Yum Donuts.
Yum Yum Donuts, yum yum.
Now there’s gourmet donuts
that are deep-fried in gold.
I had a gourmet donut.
I didn’t realize
it was a gourmet donut.
I just pointed at a donut,
and the donut guy
started ringing it up.
He was like,
“That’ll be $3.99.”
I was like,
“I only want one of them.”
He was like, “That is the price
of one of them.”
Then there was
this long, awkward pause
where I waited for him
to lean forward and go,
“Just kidding.”
But he didn’t.
He just looked at me like,
“Got you, tubby,”
because he knew I’d pay
because I was
in a donut shop.
It’s not like I was there
to buy a yoga mat.
Boston–this is like
donut ground zero, right?
Dunkies, Dunkies!
[cheers and applause]
I don’t know,
I always eat the local specialty
because I’m a pig.
I did this big tour
of the southern states,
and I’ll tell you something.
People in the South are nicer.
They are.
Even when they’re rude,
they’re nice in the South.
They’re like,
“Y’all can go to hell.”
You’re like,
“Well, thank you.
You too.”
People in the South are nicer,
but they’re slower, right?
And I don’t mean
intelligence-wise.
They just move slower.
It’s like,
“Hey, your house is on fire.”
“All right.
“I’ll get to that.
“But first, I need to drink me
some sweet tea.
Then I’ll deal
with that pesky house of mine.”
And I figured it out.
It’s the biscuits and gravy.
Everyone in the South moves like
they’ve just had two helpings.
They’re like, “I shouldn’t have
had that second helping of…”
This is a nine-year-old
I’m pretending to be.
“Of biscuits and gra–“
In the South,
they’re eating
biscuits and gravy
for breakfast.
They’re not coming home drunk
late at night,
like, “I’ll eat anything.”
They’re waking up, and they’re
like, “Time for cement.”
[chomping]
Lunch, chicken and waffles.
The South
will never rise again
’cause they don’t
have the energy.
Because most of their dishes
involve papier-mache.
They’re essentially eating
pinatas down there.
That’s why they talk that way.
Because after you eat
biscuits and gravy,
you can’t be expected
to say “you” and “all.”
“Good biscuits and gravy,
y’all.”
I’m surprised they even say
“biscuits and gravy.”
Abbagabbagabbaga…
y’all.
And I’ll tell you something.
Those biscuits and gravy
are amazing.
I had biscuits and gravy
for breakfast
for nine days straight.
I still haven’t gone
to the bathroom.
That tour was 27 years ago.
I love Southern food.
Chicken and waffles.
Fried chicken and waffles.
Why?
What should we serve
with the fried chicken?
French fries?
No, something elegant.
Like a waffle
or a gyro
or heroin.
I know it’s lunch, but I want
breakfast and diabetes,
so I’ll have the chicken
and waffles and a shake.
Of course, you can’t
talk about Southern food
without bringing up grits,
right?
Grits, it’s like
someone was like,
“Hey, if you love the taste
of biscuits and gravy
“but without the taste
of biscuits and gravy,
then you’ll love
our man-made wet sand.”
I want to like grits.
I do.
I order them,
and I’m like,
“Are these undercooked
or overcooked?”
No wonder you came up
with moonshine.
Southerners are always like,
“Y’all are eating that wrong.
“You’ve got to add a pound
of cheese and a pound of sugar
and 30 candy canes.”
That’s what I love
about the South.
They don’t even try and hide the
fact they’re eating unhealthy.
In a restaurant, you’re like,
“I guess I’ll order
“the bucket of lard
and the salt stick.”
“Y’all want that deep-fried?”
“Uh, okay.”
“You want us to shoot at you
while you eat it?”
“Is that extra?”
But there’s unhealthy eating
everywhere.
I was in Arizona
and New Mexico,
and there are people
eating fried bread.
There are stands
that sell only fried bread.
And I saw that, and I was like,
“I found my people.”
Fried bread.
I eat unhealthy,
but come on.
I know
a donut’s fried bread,
but at least
we don’t call it “fried bread.”
I mean, at what point
do you even feel comfortable
eating something
called “fried bread”?
“Have you ever eaten cake
in the shower?”
“A couple times.”
“You’re ready
for fried bread.”
“Ever eaten in your car,
so you don’t have to share
with your children?”
“Every day.”
“You’re ready
for fried bread.”
Fried bread.
That is the opposite
of a diet, right?
What are the basic elements
of a diet?
It’s like, all right,
no fried food.
No fried food.
Got it.
You gotta cut out
all the bread.
Cut out–
hey, what about fried bread?
Is there some kind
of fried bread diet?
Actually the term
is “fry bread.”
It’s not “fried bread.”
It’s “fry bread.”
It’s like a command,
a call to action.
If you aren’t already,
fry bread.
Let’s get fat.
And I’m not judging
those people.
They’re actually
more honest than us.
Because we eat fried bread,
but we do it in code.
It’s like,
“You want fried bread?”
“No.
I’ll have an elephant ear.”
“You want fried bread?”
[chuckles]
“No.
I’ll just have a beignet.”
We’re like that guy at the party
trying to find weed.
“Hey, is your friend Bud
gonna be here tonight?
“You know, he hangs out
with that guy named Herb.
He’s going out with the girl
from Mexico named Marijuana.”
I don’t know
what you’re asking for.
Sometimes I feel like
I’m trying to get fat.
Last night, I was eating
a pint of ice cream,
and I finished it
because I’m American, all right?
I took off the lid,
and I threw it away
’cause I’m not
a quitter, everyone.
And because I care
about the environment.
I was conserving energy
by not refreezing it.
You’re welcome.
Of course it was at night.
You ever eat ice cream
during the day?
You’re like, what are we?
six years old?
Did we just get
our tonsils out?
Why are there people
around me?
Shouldn’t I be alone
watching Lifetime?
Those hoarders, those are
the ones with the problem.
I was eating a pint of ice cream
in sweatpants, like a man.
My wife came in the room,
and she was like,
“Jim, are you gonna eat
an entire pint
of ice cream by yourself?”
And I was like, “Hopefully.
Unless you selfishly
want a bite.”
“Jim, you have
a nine-year-old daughter.
Don’t you want to be
at her wedding?”
“Not really. No.
“Wait, is there gonna be
ice cream at her wedding?
Because if you promise–
I still don’t want to go.”
How would attending a wedding–
Why would that be an incentive?
It’s like, “Don’t you die!
“In 18 years, there’s an awkward
party you have to pay for!
And we need you
to write a check.”
No, I understand weddings
are an important event
where we spend a lot of money
so that the bride can pretend
to be a princess!
And marry her prince
and live happily ever after
because magic exists.
[laughs]
And we’re a bunch of weirdos.
Weddings are kind of weird.
I mean, what’s the logic?
It’s like,
“Well, we love each other.
“Why don’t we pretend
we have a kingdom?
“We’ll invite your parents’
friends and my parents’ friends,
“and we’ll have a banquet.
“And the two kingdoms
shall come together as one.
“And we can start our married
life with a total fantasy
before we go on a completely
unjustified vacation.”
It’s strange, right?
I mean, weddings started off as
these crude, medieval ceremonies
where women, daughters
were exchanged as property.
Yet over the course
of centuries, they got worse.
That’s why
people cry at weddings.
“I can’t believe we’re still
wasting money on this.”
Whenever I see someone
crying at a wedding,
“I always say, don’t worry.
It probably won’t work out.”
It is nice to be invited
to a wedding,
but you always look
at that invitation
like, “Ah,
this is gonna cost me.
“Oh, good.
It’s out of town.
Wouldn’t want to use those
vacation days for vacationing.”
And you can tell how much
a wedding’s gonna cost you
by the type
of invitation you receive.
You’re like, “[gasps] Oh, no.
This one’s made of baby skin.”
And that font
and the language on that.
“The honorable king slayer
cordially invites you
“to the marriage
of his 40-year-old daughter
“to her live-in boyfriend
of 12 years.
Bring thy wallet.”
Because you have to get
the newlyweds a gift
because they’ve done nothing!
So you go to the registry.
The registry,
which is a nice way of saying,
“You don’t have
to get us anything.
But when you do, make sure
it’s one of these things.”
You ever go to the registry
late, and you’re like,
“Aw, the only thing left
is a fork for $300.
“I guess we’ll be
the fork friends.
We’ll get them the fork.”
My wife had us register
for fine china
because you never know
when the Pope’s gonna swing by
and want a microwaved hot dog
on a $200 plate.
My parents–growing up,
my parents had fine china
that you couldn’t even put
in the dishwasher.
“[gasps]
Don’t get that wet.
“You need to clean it
with a kitten.
It needs to be
a white kitten.”
[laughter]
At most weddings, the guests
receive a gift, right?
Sometimes it’s, like, a bag
of almonds covered in candy.
Thanks.
I guess we’re even.
Since you got me
a bag of nuts.
“Feel free to take
the centerpiece.”
Sure you don’t want us
to bus some tables?
Uh, I didn’t bring a broom,
but I could sweep.
It’s not always, like, nuts.
Sometimes the gift is,
like, a knickknack
or a Happy Meal toy
kind of thing.
The last wedding we were at,
everyone at the wedding
got a wine stopper
filled with sand
because the theme
of the wedding was waste.
I got in trouble when I asked
the bride–I was like,
“At what point are we supposed
to jab this in our throat?
During the first dance?”
That’s horrib–
[chuckles]
I do find it fascinating.
There’s always a drunk person
at a wedding, right?
And I think it’s because
there’s so many awkward moments.
Like that receiving line
as a guest?
I never know what to say
to those people.
I always feel like
I’ve just seen a friend
in a play or something.
“That was great.
You were great up there.
“What you said.
I like this program.
“Well, I’m gonna lie
to someone else now.
“You were good too.
You’re the grandma.
“We got them the fork.
Is the bar open?”
Some of those wedding rituals–
have you been
to one of the weddings
where the groom removes
the garter belt from the bride
and flings it
to a crowd of perverts?
Because he cherishes
his br–what?
Who came up with that one?
Hey, you know how the bride
throws the bouquet?
How ’bout something
for the fellas?
Maybe the bride’s underwear?
What happens
to that garter belt?
Oh, I have it
in a very special place.
It’s in a room covered
with photographs of the bride.
And there’s candles
and fried bread everywhere.
I’m not against marriage.
I’m happily married.
I’m married
to a beautiful woman,
the type of woman
that when I’m with her
and people find out
she’s my wife,
there’s usually
an audible “wow.”
Which I suppose is flattering,
but it hurts my feelings.
I’m not a yeti.
Wow.
Someone could approach me
and be like,
“Jim, we’ve discovered your wife
has no visual perception.
“Yeah, yeah, we don’t need
to correct that or anything.
She doesn’t like glasses.”
But I like being married.
I like having someone
to look out for me.
And my wife wants me
to live longer.
We all want to live longer,
but how much longer?
Like, you ever see old people,
really, really old people,
the look on their face?
They always have
that look like, ahhh!
I can’t believe
I’m still here!
I would have eaten
so much more ice cream.
Why did I ever consume kale?
Can we stop
with the kale propaganda?
I mean, that–
That stuff tastes
like bug spray.
I was looking
at a can of bug spray.
It said,
“Made with real kale.”
But that’s
the latest health trend.
There’s a new one
every six weeks.
When I was a little kid,
cottage cheese–
cottage cheese
was considered healthy.
My mom and my sisters,
“We’re being healthy by eating
this tub of cheese curds.”
Because to be thin,
you eat things
that look like cellulite.
Remember when pita
was healthy?
Pita’s not bread.
It’s from the Middle East.
Take cheese, bad for you.
Put it in pita,
it’s okay.
That’s why when I smoke crack,
I do it on pita.
We’re still in the middle
of the wrap phase.
Wraps are so good for you.
When you roll food,
it takes the calories out.
It becomes a sandwich wand.
Ta-da!
No calories.
It’s like sushi
but not enjoyable.
There’s good fats
and bad fats.
I like to think of myself
as a good fat.
I did discover
that I’m gluten-free.
Anyone gluten-free here? Yeah?
[scattered cheers]
I was just kidding.
You’re a communist.
[laughter and applause]
Obviously,
people that are gluten-free
are like any other American,
except for they’re allergic
to wheat,
the amber waves of grain.
Doesn’t mean
they don’t love their country.
Just means they can’t stomach
♪ The purple mountains’
majesty ♪
Those are the people we should
be screening at airports.
Are you
gluten-free/a terrorist?
I don’t judge.
I report. You decide.
There’s a new milk
every six weeks.
Oh you shouldn’t be
drinking cow’s milk.
Don’t drink cow’s milk.
You should drink soy milk.
They discovered
soy milk’s all estrogen.
You should drink soy milk
unless you want to have
sons with testicles.
Or you could drink rice milk.
And they discovered rice milk
is like drinking carbs.
Or you could drink almond milk
because almonds make milk.
Unless you have a nut allergy.
Then you could drink
hemp milk,
which is like a nut-free
almond milk made from rope.
Or you can try this new milk
that’s called cow’s milk.
It’s big in Europe.
But really,
this is the kale era, right?
Kale is a superfood,
and its special power
is tasting bad.
It’s inedible.
All you have to do is freeze-dry
it, cover it in cayenne peppers,
put it in a shake,
and bury it in the ground.
Kale is so good for you.
It’s like a really bitter
spinach with hair.
Kale is so good for you.
They could find out kale
cures cancer, and I would still
be like, “I’m just gonna do
the chemo, all right?
I’ve tried the kale.
Okay?”
Haven’t we evolved
as a species,
so we no longer
have to eat things like kale?
You know there were cavemen,
“One day, son, we no longer
forage through weeds.
“We eat porterhouse steak
“and no longer
sound like Cookie Monster.
Now we go to Yum Yum Donut.”
Kale. I just can’t stand
the kale bragging.
“I just had some kale.”
No one asked you.
People talk about kale
like it’s a band.
Have you seen
that new album by Kale?
I was at a school event because
I have a thousand children.
And one of the moms was
nice enough to make a bean soup.
So I went over,
and I tasted it,
and I said,
“Oh, this is very good.”
And she leaned forward,
and she goes,
“I snuck some kale in there.”
And I wanted to throw
the bowl at her.
‘Cause she was trying
to impress me with a vegetable.
Oh, wow.
You smarty.
But you know what?
I blame Whole Foods.
I do. They’re just bored
at Whole Foods.
They’re like, “What else
can we sell these idiots?
“Just get me a plant.
“Not that one.
That’s poison ivy.
“Wait.
Can we make milk out of that?
“Give me the other one.
What is this?
“Kale?
It tastes bad?
“They’ll think
it’s good for them.
Charge 20 bucks for it.”
And we’re like, “Ah.”
But I go to Whole Foods.
I do. I waste my money there.
They should just have
a garbage can at the entrance
of Whole Foods with a picture
of a wallet over it.
You just go…
Okay, how many items do I get?
I get two?
Okay, um, I’ll have
the grapes for 500.
And, Alex, I’ll have the loaf
of bread made of wood for 10.
I’ll put the rest
on my Amazon wish list.
What is the business idea
of Whole Foods?
It’s like Costco, but instead
of bulk, you get nothing.
You ever look at your bill
when you’re leaving Whole Foods?
You’re like, “Wow, I’m really
not good at managing money.”
Because you only remember
how expensive it is
when you get there.
You’re like, “These prices–
“I’m too lazy to go
to another store.
You win again, Whole Foods.
Tricked me again.”
You guys are nice.
I should have showered.
I’m sure most of you showered.
Yeah.
There’s probably
one or two weirdos out there
that took a bath.
A bath–how much free time
do you have on your hands?
What, are you taking a break
from ruling ancient Egypt?
I don’t have anything to do,
and I’ll never
have anything to do,
so I’ll just sit in a pool
of my own filth.
Ah, luxury.
I should probably take a shower
after this bath, huh?
I have taken a bath.
It always seems like
it’s gonna be relaxing.
You’re like, “Ah.
This is so boring!
No wonder people kill themselves
in these things, huh?”
Don’t worry. No one here has
killed themselves in a bath.
My point is
no one takes baths
except for that weird couple
in the Cialis commercial.
What kind of disposable income
does that couple have?
“Honey, after our pill-induced
lovemaking,
“what do you say
we sit in the side-by-side tubs
on the porch?”
What is the message
of that commercial?
This pill is so good,
you’re gonna have
to take a bath afterwards.
I’d do separate baths.
Hell, do it outside.
It’s gonna be messy.
You know what I mean, fellas?
Those erectile dysfunction
commercials
are just there
to ruin your night.
They’re like,
“You enjoying your show?
“Just a reminder,
in a couple years,
“you’re gonna need a pill
to do anything.
Back to your show.”
I took a shower.
Didn’t happen right away.
You ever have
one of those days?
You’re like,
“Ah, I got to take a shower.”
Just hours pass.
“Ah, I still got
to take a shower.”
And then when you finally do,
it feels like
such an accomplishment.
“Hey, I took a shower.
I’m a go-getter.
Showerer.
Well, time for bed.”
Shampooed and conditioned
my hair, as you can tell.
You got to condition your hair
because everyone else does.
Someone told me the reason we’re
supposed to condition our hair
is because we shampoo
our hair too often.
So instead of using
one product less often,
we just added
another product.
Yeah, my wife didn’t like me
drinking beer every night,
so to make her feel better,
I started drinking
beer and whiskey.
Maybe that’ll get her
off my back.
Who’s that guy?
Shampoo and conditioner.
Always identical bottles for no
other reason but to confuse us.
You ever accidentally
pour out the conditioner first?
You’re like, “Oh, crap!
That’s, like, 3 bucks!”
You ever try
and put it back in?
You’re like…
“Damn hole’s too small.”
I always end up
holding on to it
and open the shampoo bottle
with the other hand.
Now, I’ll just
mix that together.
Hope that doesn’t start
a fire or something.
There is that product.
It’s shampoo
and conditioner in one.
I don’t trust it.
I don’t like my peanut butter
and jelly in the same jar.
That’s for Goobers.
That joke’s for goobers.
There are so many goos
and potions in our showers.
And they’re all just soaps
with different names, right?
This is a soap for your hair.
This is a soap for your body.
This is a facial scrub,
which is soap with sand in it.
My favorite shower goo
or potion, though,
has to be body wash and not
just because it sounds creepy.
It’s like, “Hey,
I got you some body wash.”
“Yeah, I got you
a restraining order.”
Body wash.
Wash the body.
Body wash.
I’m gonna wash your body…
[whispers]
while you sleep.
You can only use body wash
on your body.
Use it on your face,
you die.
It’s the truth.
I remember when they first
introduced body wash.
I was at a drugstore, and I was
like, “This is so stupid.”
Body wash.
Now I’m like, “Honey,
we’re all out of body wash.
“Can you get
some more body wash?
“That soap’s so hard to use.
“Get the body wash that has
‘energy’ printed on it.
I need my body wash
to give me energy.”
That’s what’s printed
on our bottle of body wash.
“Energy” in bold.
Like, they didn’t even bother
to think of a misleading
adjective that made sense.
Oh, what should we put
on the bottle of body wash?
Fuel-efficient.
Low-calorie.
Something like that.
But it doesn’t matter
what it says
on all those goos
and potions, right?
They’re snake oils, because when
it comes to cleanliness,
we will believe anything.
We’re like, “Oh, a facial scrub
made of avocados.
“That makes sense.
“And it only costs $50.
“Funny, I bought
an avocado today for 99¢.
“[gasps]
Well, this must be good shampoo.
“It’s from France.
“And they’re known
for cleanliness.
“At least
I think it’s shampoo.
“Douche de what?
The French are douching
their hair?”
I did that joke in Montreal,
and no one laughed.
It really comes down to
we don’t want to smell, right?
You ever catch yourself
smelling,
and you’re like, “Oh, my God.
I gotta…
smell that again.”
You’re, like, drawn to it.
You’re like,
“That is alluring.”
“Honey, get over here.
I got a treat for you.”
But we smell
because we’re animals, right?
We’re just
self-cleaning animals.
We’re like cats.
We’re like…
I know we’re supposed to be
like apes,
but they’re picking bugs
off each other and eating it.
We’re like cats.
We self-clean. We’re grumpy.
We’re finicky eaters.
I don’t want to eat that.
I don’t feel like eating that
right now.
We like to think
we’re like dogs.
I mean, I wish I was a dog.
Dogs are always in a good mood.
They’re like, “What is that?
Throw-up? I’ll eat it.
I don’t care.
I’m just happy to be here.”
Dogs are happy to be anywhere.
You ever see a homeless guy
with a dog?
The dog’s like,
“This isn’t that bad.
I was begging for food anyway.
I mean…”
But we’re more like cats,
right?
But we can’t even be like a cat
because a cat could scratch
itself on a stationary object,
and we’d be like,
“That’s adorable.”
But if I scratch myself
on a mannequin
at Victoria’s Secret,
they call security.
If I’m just like,
“Oh, I got an itch here.”
Especially if I’m purring,
if I’m like…
[purring]
Lots of undies around here,
huh?
You can’t do that
in Victoria’s Secret.
I have been
to Victoria’s Secret.
I had a reason.
You know, as a man,
you need a reason
to be in Victoria’s Secret.
You can’t just be in there
like, “I’m looking around.
See what you ladies
are buying.”
I was getting my wife something
for Valentine’s Day.
You have to reach a point
in a relationship where you can
get a woman something
from Victoria’s Secret.
It’s not like
a first-date thing, like,
“Thanks for meeting me
for dinner.
“I got you a bustier.
Why don’t you go in the bano
and throw that on?”
Secretly, every guy wants
to go in Victoria’s Secret.
We walk by in the mall.
We’re like,
“Oh, one day.
One day, I’ll have a reason.”
Because, you know,
we’ve seen the catalog.
You don’t even have
to search out the catalog.
It just shows up in your mail.
You’re like,
“Oh, what’s this?
“Seems like there’s
some good articles in here.
If I wasn’t married, I could get
rejected by all these women.”
And guys,
we’re just dumb enough,
we see
that Victoria’s Secret store,
and we think, “Maybe that’s
where those models live.
“They’re probably
in there right now,
“walking around
in angels’ wings.
“They’re probably in there
having a pillow fight right now.
“If I could find a practical
reason to go in there,
it would be amazing.”
And then you finally go
into Victoria’s Secret,
and it’s like
a Greyhound bus station.
What, are you guys
in between shifts in here?
Where’s all the angels?
There’s just stressed out
salesladies with headsets on.
“Underwear,
underwear, underwear.”
“Where’s the open bar?”
But you’re still a guy
in a woman’s underwear store.
And you don’t want
to look like a creep.
That’s why every man
at Victoria’s Secret
has the same expression
on his face of, “Boring!
“This is place is boring
because I’m not a pervert.
“There’s nothing stimulating in
here because it’s boring to me,
“especially those huge posters
of supermodels mostly naked.
Boring.”
I didn’t know what I was looking
for, so I went up to a saleslady
who had the warmth
of a TSA screener.
“What do you want?”
“Nothing.
I didn’t touch anything.
I’m leaving.”
I was trying to be discreet.
I was like, “Look, I’m looking
for something for my wife.
“She’s very intelligent.
She’s creative.”
Because you can’t say, “I’m
looking for a slutty outfit.”
“She volunteers.
She’s organized.
Maybe that French maid’s outfit
would be good.”
Then I was thrown
because the saleslady was like,
“What size?”
And I was like, “Size?
Uh, female?
Small?”
Because you don’t want
to guess too big.
You don’t want to be like,
“Hey, you’ll grow into it.
I thought
you was much bigger.”
You can’t ask a stranger, like,
“Hey. Excuse me there, lady.
“You look like you got
a keister like my wife’s.
“What size undies
you got there?
Maybe you could try on
this outfit I got.”
I just wanted it over with.
When I was paying, I assumed
the awkwardness was over
until they handed me
my purchase
in a bright pink
Victoria’s Secret bag
that I had to carry around
the mall the rest of the day
that might as well have
just said “pervert” on the side.
[humming]
♪ Me and my ladies’ undies ♪
I like ladies’ undies so much,
I got a bag full of them.
♪ Heading into Burger King ♪
Yeah, I’ll have
a Whopper with cheese
and a small fries
for the ladies’ undies.
When I got home, I realized
you have to find the right time
to give your gift
from Victoria’s Secret.
You can’t be like,
“Hey, when you’re done
changing that diaper,
“I got another changie-poo
for you.
It’s a little gift from me
to you that’s really for me.”
Because if you’re buying
a woman something
from Victoria’s Secret,
it’s really a gift for you.
It’s like,
“Here, I got me this.
Thank you.
I’m welcome.”
I am never going
back there again.
I don’t know.
It’s good to be here in Boston.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, I love Bo–This is a–
Boston’s a tough city,
right?
It’s like, Boston!
Boston! Lob-stah!
I love the Boston energy.
And you guys,
all of New England,
you guys love your seafood,
and it’s just disgusting.
Lob-stah! Lob-stah!
I was vacationing
on Cape Cod because I’m white.
And…
[laughter]
I was at
this seafood restaurant, right?
And this guy came over
to our table.
Wasn’t even our waiter.
He came over to the table.
He was like,
“Hey, I couldn’t help–“
I don’t know how to do
the Boston accent.
“You’re not eating lobster.
Is there a reason why
you’re not eating lob-stah?”
And I was like, “Uh, I thought
I’d order what I want.
I wasn’t really
in the mood for bug meat.”
Because that’s
what shellfish are.
They’re just creepy-crawly,
giant insects
on the bottom of the ocean.
You know fish
are swimming around like,
“We got to get an exterminator
up in this piece.”
They’re bugs.
They have a shell like a bug.
They have spindly legs
and crawl around like a bug.
They have antennae
like a monster.
They’re probably monsters.
Like, if you went home and you
saw a chicken in your house,
you’d be like, “What the hell’s
a chicken doing in my house?”
But if you saw a lobster,
you’d be like, “We’re moving.”
Because there’s not
a nickel’s worth of difference
between a lobster
and a giant scorpion.
Now, I understand everyone
loves lobster, “I love lobster.”
Hey, I like butter too, okay?
How can I eat
three sticks of butter?
Well, I found this giant,
swimming sea scorpion.
It’s just a spoonful of butter
helps the bug meat go down.
In the most delightful way.
Lobster tail.
Is that the area
near the butt? Mmm.
That’s what I want,
a little turf and bug butt.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
How about those restaurants
where you have to pick out
your own lobster?
You’re like,
“I guess I’ll take that one
“that’s really struggling
with the rubber bands.
He seems appealing.
Why don’t we boil him to death?”
Why am I involved
in this decision?
But the Northeast?
It’s all shellfish.
Maryland with the crab.
Isn’t it kind of a red flag
you need a hammer to eat a crab?
Oh, you’re having the crab?
Let me get you some tools,
so you can crack open
that bug shell and get
that half a bite of bug meat.
Crab, it’s too much work.
They’re like the pistachio
of seafood.
And there’s that nasty part
of the crab
you’re not supposed to eat.
I think it’s called all of it!
‘Cause they’re crabs,
as in the sexually
transmitted disease.
That has the same name because
it’s the exact same thing!
They’re just the baby version
of the dinner crab.
You know
God’s up in heaven going,
“What do I gotta do to stop them
from eating the crabs?
“I gave it a rock-hard shell.
“I put it on the bottom
of the ocean.
“I named a disease after it.
“Jesus, you’re gonna have
to go back down there.
I don’t even know how people
order crabs
with a straight face.
“Yeah, my wife and I–
You know what?
“I’ll get crabs,
and I’ll give her some.
Don’t tell her.
I want it to be a surprise.”
Even the crab
as a creature is creepy.
It always looks like it’s trying
to avoid an awkward situation.
“Is that–
Oh, I owe that guy money. Crap.”
Clams and oysters.
How did we even
start eating those?
“Hey, I found a rock
with a snot in it.
I was thinking of eating it.”
“Go ahead.”
“All right.”
[slurps]
“What’s it taste like?”
“Pneumonia.”
Oysters on the half shell.
As opposed to what,
in a Kleenex?
Even the way you’re
supposed to eat an oyster–
Squeeze some lemon,
a little hot sauce,
throw it down the back of your
throat, take a shot of vodka,
and try and forget
you ate a snot from a rock.
That’s not
how you eat something.
That’s how you overdose
on sleeping pills.
Pearls come from oysters.
Yeah, I try not to eat things
that also make jewelry.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac?
Why would we ever
believe that?
What do you say you and I
grab some snots from a rock?
See what happens.
Maybe we’ll end up at my place.
Maybe we’ll end up
at the emergency room.
Let it happen, baby.
Clam chowder.
How can we sell more clams?
Why don’t we put it in a soup
that looks like vomit?
He went too far.
Let’s kill him.
But most seafood
gives me the willies.
Like anchovies.
What exactly is the difference
between an anchovy
and a sweaty eyebrow?
Because whenever
I see an anchovy,
I think, “Someone has attacked
Tom Selleck.”
Why would you put that
in a salad?
Squid, more like
the swimming sea spider.
“But I like calamari.”
You could deep-fry a rubber
hose, it would taste good.
A little cocktail sauce,
this is good hose.
Octopus? Really?
“Octo” meaning “eight,”
“pus” meaning “really?”
Yes.
The pus part’s my favorite.
The suction cups remind me
we need a new bathtub mat.
I wish I liked seafood.
I do.
I live near Chinatown
in New York because I’m Chinese.
And like most Chinatowns, a lot
of the restaurants in Chinatown
have live seafood tanks
in the windows.
And I’m always like, “Uh,
do you want us to come in there,
or are these sea monsters
protecting your establishment?”
Because I is scared.
And I love Chinese food,
and I love the Chinese culture.
And I’m not just saying that
because we’re all gonna be
working for them in six months.
The Chinese have
an amazing culture. They do.
3,000 years ago, they were
doing brain surgery in China,
yet they still haven’t
figured out dessert.
You ever go
to a Chinese restaurant?
I’m not talking about
the fancy Chinese restaurant
that has the tea ice cream
that tastes like
a pack of menthol cigarettes.
I’m talking about
a regular Chinese restaurant
where the dessert options–
there’s two, right?
There’s sliced oranges.
Whoa.
I don’t want
to overwork the kitchen.
Oranges? What, did a schooner
just arrive from the Caribbean?
Looks like our scurvy’s cured,
fellas.
There’s sliced oranges,
or there’s the fortune cookie,
which is not even
a Chinese thing.
It’s an American thing,
and we gave it to them.
And they were like,
“We don’t want it.”
And we were like, “It’s now
part of your ethnic identity.”
Don’t you feel like the fortune
in every fortune cookie
should be, “You are
about to eat a stale cookie”?
Hey, my fortune came true!
Everyone has the same reaction
to fortune cookies.
They’re always like,
“These things are so stu–
What does mine say?”
Like there’s
some ancient wisdom in there.
As if Confucius himself
was putting
a tiny piece of paper
into a tiny typewriter.
“Happiness is a…
long journey.”
15.
31.
12.
Put this in a stale cookie
for me, would you?
It’s like they wait
for them to be stale.
How old are these, 1990?
Let’s wait a little longer.
I do feel sorry for the person
who created the cookie
that ended up being
the fortune cookie
because they were
probably pretty proud.
They were like, “Hey,
you gonna try my new cookie?
“Tell me what you think of it.
Try my new cookie.
Tell me what you think.”
“All right.
I’ll try it. Here you go.
“Mmm, oh.
“You know what this could use
is some paper.
“Oh, this would be good
for holding a note
or a recipe
for a good cookie.”
“How much do you think
I could charge for it?”
“I’d give it away
with the check.
You got a spit bucket
around here?”
But I love Asian food.
I love Kobe beef.
I know I look like a vegetarian,
but I’m not.
Kobe beef, if you’re
not familiar with that,
that comes from cows that are
fed beer and massaged with sake.
I heard that, and I was like,
“I want to be Kobe beef.
Where do I sign up for–“
Those are some happy cows.
They have no idea
they’re on death row.
They’re like, “This is the life!
[cackles]
“A little lower.
A little lower, honey.
“What the hell, this cow’s
going for another beer.
“You Japanese love design.
“That sake bottle actually
looks like a hatchet.
Ow!”
It’s just a drunk cow,
and it’s appealing.
Which means
it’s only a matter of time,
“[gasps]
You have to try this chicken.
It was raised
solely on Doritos.”
“What kind?”
“Cool Ranch.”
But really Kobe beef shows you
how decadent
we’ve become, right?
Now it’s not enough
that we live a life of luxury.
Now we need to eat things that
have lived a life of luxury.
I understand this cow
had a good life,
but did it go
to private school?
I only eat cows
that went to private school.
It did.
Do you have anything
on your menu that owned a boat?
Kobe beef,
it’s an interesting idea, right?
It must have been a surprise
for someone along the way.
It’s like,
“You like that steak?”
“This is the best steak
I’ve ever had in my life.”
“You know, I fed that cow
some beers.”
“You got the cow drunk?”
“Yeah, and then
I was massaging it.”
“Wha–
“Why?
Why were you massaging an animal
you gave a lot of alcohol to?”
“So you could enjoy it.”
“So I could enjoy it?
“I’m not hungry anymore.
“I’m gonna go call
Special Victims Unit.
Let’s see what Olivia Benson
thinks of this.”
But really we don’t want to
think about what we’re eating.
You know, I love hot dogs.
You can’t eat a hot dog
in public.
There’s always one friend
that’s like,
“Do you know what those
are made of?”
I don’t want to know because
hot dogs are like strippers.
No one wants to know
the backstory.
“Well, when I was 12–”
Not interested.
Let’s put mustard on that.
I can say that joke
because I used to be a stripper.
I was so good, they paid me
to put my clothes back on.
It was ridiculous.
We don’t like to think
about what we’re eating.
Buffalo wings, chicken wings,
I’m sure you savages eat those.
Those are baby chickens’ wings
that you’re eating.
I don’t eat those.
I eat the chicken legs.
I would never take away
a bird’s ability to fly.
Some people are like,
“Oh, chickens can’t fly.”
How do we know? They’ve become
too dependent on those legs.
Legs are making birds lazy.
You ever see footage
of a hippo crossing a river?
There’s always a bird
sitting on its back.
How lazy is that bird?
It’s gonna take the hippo
ten minutes to get
across that river.
That bird could glide across.
That bird,
I want to eat their legs.
Mostly because I’m pro-hippo.
I see some of you are drinking.
That’s not the answer.
It’s not.
Eating is.
It’s amazing how our attitude
on alcohol changes, right?
Because even as a teenager,
you know it’s wrong.
You’re like, “You know,
I don’t like the taste of it,
but I want to look cool.”
And then in your 20s,
you’re like, “You know what?
This kind of gives me confidence
to talk to the opposite sex.”
And then in your 40s,
you’re like, “You know what?
This is the only thing
I like about being alive.”
[laughter and applause]
It’s only funny
because it’s true.
I’m sure some of you
are gonna go to some bars,
head to a bar, right?
[scattered cheers]
Yeah.
I never really feel comfortable
right when I get in a bar.
I’m always kind of like,
“Who are all these strangers?”
But after a couple beers,
I’m like,
“These guys are probably
my best friends.”
Because your experience
in a bar
changes over the course
of the night, right?
As the night goes on, you see
really why we go to bars.
We go to bars,
so we can behave like children.
Toddlers, really.
You ever go to a bar
at 2:00 a.m.?
You might as well be picking up
a kid at nursery school.
It’s the same experience.
The behavior’s the same
in both places.
Both places, there’s always
some strange yelling
for no reason at all.
You know,
“Whoo, whoo, whoo!”
Both places,
you go in the bathroom,
it’s obvious
not everyone’s potty-trained.
Both places,
there’s always someone crying,
“She was my best friend.
But not anymore.”
Both places,
occasionally there’s a fight.
“You know, he was standing
where I wanted to stand,
“so I punched him
in the head.
I need more juice.”
But at 2:00 a.m.,
people are drunk in bars.
I love how
we’re always surprised
when someone’s drunk
in a bar.
We’re actually shocked.
We’re like,
“Look at that guy.
“He’s wasted.
“In a bar.
I came here to read a novel.”
Mostly the people
that are drunk in bars
are drunk
because they’re drinking shots.
And really the only time
to ever drink a shot is never.
No one’s ever drank a shot
and then done something
they’re proud of.
“I got wasted last night,
and then I went out
and built
some low-income housing.”
That never happens.
You always wake up the next day,
and you’re like,
“I need a new identity.
Maybe two of them.”
Because if
you’re drinking shots,
it’s either your birthday,
or you’re trying
to forget you were ever born.
There is something honest
about a shot.
It’s like, “I want to get right
to the embarrassing part
of the night,
right to pants off.”
But we don’t even drink shots.
We take them
like they’re medicine.
This’ll cure
my normal behavior.
Everyone acts like
we’re in a Western.
[hums Western music]
That’ll give me the courage to
confront this plate of nachos.
[hums Western music]
Strangers will buy you a shot
on your birthday.
“Hey, I don’t know you.
Let me buy you a shot.”
This never happens
with anything else.
Hey, what do you say?
You and me,
let’s do some appetizers.
Jalapeno poppers,
mano a mano.
You got to turn
that shot down
before they get it poured,
because once it’s poured,
they act like
you’re rejecting a sweater
they crocheted you.
“You know how hard
I worked on this?”
You didn’t at all.
But I don’t mind the bars,
unless they’re really crowded,
you know, like, five
or six people deep at the bar.
Everyone’s competing
for the bartender’s attention.
We look like
we’re trying to get
disaster relief
from the Red Cross.
We’re like…
“I need mine
more than he needs his.”
I can never get
the bartender’s attention.
I’m always like–
We try and make
eye contact.
Show him you have money.
I have cash.
But you can’t try too hard
in a crowded bar.
You have to act all cool.
You gotta be like, “I don’t
even care if I get served.
“I just like standing in
crowded, uncomfortable places.
“Later on, I’m gonna swing
by the airport
“and see what
that TSA line’s like.
I like the lines.”
Never enough bartenders
in a crowded bar.
Those bartenders look like
they’re in the middle
of a triage unit.
They’re like,
“Get me 40ccs of something.”
Never enough bartenders.
You ever get faked out
by the arrival of a barback?
You’re like, “Finally,
another bar–it’s a barback.”
And those poor barbacks,
they always act like
they’re not qualified
to serve you.
Like, “Oh, no, no, no, no.
“I can carry 12 cases
up a narrow staircase,
“but handing you a beer?
“Not yet.
“I’m still learning
from the master.”
Because in a crowded bar,
the bartender is the master,
right?
All the authority goes to that.
Some of them act like they’re
not even obligated to serve you.
They’re like,
“I don’t know what
“I’m gonna do
with all this booze.
Maybe I’ll just pour it out
and make a puddle.”
And we fall for it.
We’re like, “Well,
it’s either deal with this guy
“or make it
in our bathtub at home.
Damn Prohibition.”
There’s male
and female bartenders.
Female bartenders–they always
seem a little tougher
than they need to be,
right?
I don’t want to say “bitchy”
because that would describe them
perfectly.
Not all of them.
Some female bartenders
definitely give off that vibe
like, “Don’t hit on me.
Treat me with respect.
“And don’t be distracted by
the fact I’m wearing a bikini.
Okay, honey?”
They always call you “honey,”
like they’re your grandma
or something.
“What can I get you, honey?”
“I don’t know.
A birthday card with $2 in it?
“Uh, maybe a beer,
if you’re not too busy
condescending me.”
But if you’ve been to a bar,
you’ve probably been
to a filthy public restroom.
We’ve all been in those bars
where you’re like,
“Oh, wow. Now I know
why they serve alcohol here.”
And when I’m talking
about the filthy bathroom,
I’m talking
about the men’s room.
I don’t know
about the ladies’ room.
I haven’t been in there
in, like, a week.
But the men’s room–
I don’t know what happens
to guys
when we go
into a public restroom.
Some anger comes out.
Some of the stuff
that’s written on the walls?
You never have
a friend admit it.
Like, “Hey, give me a second.
“I’ve got to pee
and draw a swastika.
I’ll be right back.”
There’s guys writing things
on the walls,
and then there are
the guys that reply.
Some guy will write,
“This place sucks.”
Another guy will write,
“No, you suck.”
As if that first guy
is ever gonna see that.
Like he’s gathering up
his friends–
“Well, this is what
I wrote on this–
“Hey, wait a minute!
“That guy said I suck.
You double suck.”
But all public restrooms,
even when you go–
even at fancy places–
You ever go in the restroom,
and there’s
a bathroom attendant?
Aren’t you always like,
“Oh, no”?
Call me a loner,
but if there’s one thing
I don’t want anyone
attending,
it’s when
I’m using the restroom.
Let alone someone
sticking around
to sell me
a paper towel.
They don’t sell.
They always wave it at you,
like, “Here.
“You don’t have to tip me.
You can just have bad luck
the rest of your life.”
[chuckles]
And you have to tip
the bathroom attendant.
You can’t justify not tipping.
You can’t be like,
“Ah, he doesn’t need it.
He’s just working
next to a toilet.”
You have to tip
the bathroom attendant.
Sometimes the bathroom attendant
will have an incentive
for a tip.
They’ll have, like,
gum and cologne on a shelf.
No thanks on the gum.
I’m sure a lot of that flavor’s
probably been knocked away here
in your office.
“Where’d you get the gum?”
“Bathroom.
Yeah, some stranger
in half a tux sold it to me.”
“What flavor is it?”
“Bathroom.”
And the cologne–
You know, talk about a place
you don’t want
to pick up a scent.
“Ooh, you smell different.”
“Bathroom again.
“Same guy had a jug of liquid
sitting on a shelf.
“I just sprayed myself.
Good guy.
I’m moving in with him.”
The most memorable
public restroom I was in
was a New York City park
men’s room,
which doubles
as a crime scene,
the difference
being that crime scenes
are eventually cleaned up.
We’ve all been
in those scary bathrooms.
You’re like,
“What happened in here?”
The lights are on,
but it’s really dark.
There’s water everywhere.
For some reason, there’s
a film crew from Ghost Hunters.
You’re like–
but I had to go in there.
I was with my three-year-old.
And, you know, three-year-olds,
they don’t tell you
when they need
to use the bathroom.
They tell you when they’re
about to use the bathroom.
“You have to go potty?”
“Almost done.”
My three-year-old’s now four.
I also have a nine-year-old
and an eight-year-old
and a two-year-old
and a one-year-old.
I have five kids.
I used to have more,
but I ate them.
Five kids.
I love it, but I don’t know
what happened.
Ten years ago,
I couldn’t get a date,
and now my apartment’s
literally crawling with babies.
It’s like I left peanut butter
out or something.
Strangers, for some reason,
think I’m unaware
that it’s a lot of kids.
“Five kids.
That’s a lot of kids.”
“Oh, you think so?
Thanks for the heads-up.
Do you mind if I stab you
in the head?”
The best is when I’m alone
with my five kids
and inevitably struggling,
and some stranger
will come up to me and go,
“Looks like you got
your hands full.”
Why would you say that?
It’s like going up to someone
in a wheelchair,
“Looks like you don’t do
a lot of dancing.”
“Looks like you got
your hands full.”
Yeah.
I could still punch you.
But it is a lot of kids,
you know.
We’ve jumped the shark.
Because when you have
four kids,
people are like, “Wow,”
but when you have five,
people are like,
“Just stop.
“What, are you creating
your own nationality?
“Settle down.
“Is there gonna be a country
called ‘Gaffganistan’?
Make a plan.”
Big family.
Big families
are like water bed stores.
They used to be everywhere,
and now they’re just weird.
Some people think
it’s religious.
Like, “You have all those kids
for religious reasons.”
That’s not how it works.
If anything, you have
four or five kids,
and then you
become religious.
Because once you lose a kid
at the mall,
you know, atheist or not,
you start talking
to God right away.
You’re like, “Hey, God.
“I know I haven’t talked to you
in a while,
“probably since finals
in high school.
“Anyway, if you could help me
find my son,
“I promise
I’ll change my life.
“I’ll stop going to Wendy’s.
“Oh, there he is.
Never mind, God.
Well, we’re off to Wendy’s.”
♪ Doo doo doo doo
doo doo ♪
“Talk to you
when I get cancer.”
♪ Doo doo doo doo ♪
Because that’s
how it works, right?
We really only reach out
when we have a crisis.
That’s got to be annoying
for God.
He’s gotta be like,
“Well, well, well.
“Someone gets the big ‘C,’
“and they turn into Billy Graham
all of a sudden.
“I seem to remember
when you were in college,
“I ‘didn’t exist.’
But now you’re Chatty Cathy.”
A joke that combines
cancer and religion,
always a crowd pleaser.
Those are two topics
we don’t like to discuss.
We don’t even like
the word “cancer.”
We always whisper it, like,
[whispers] “Cancer,”
as if the devil’s listening.
“I heard you say it,
and now you’ve got it.”
“I was whispering.”
“You’ve got it twice for trying
to hide it from the devil.”
“When did the devil start
passing out cancer?”
“You’ve got it three times
for doubting the devil
“can pass out cancer.
“You’ve got it four times
for bringing up
the devil too many times
in one joke.”
I used to be afraid of cancer.
Now I get a headache,
and I’m like, “Good.
“It’s almost over.
“Let’s wrap it up.
Looks like I’m not paying
for that wedding after all.”
[laughs]
That’s horrible.
It’s in my future.
Look at me.
I’m like skin cancer
waiting to happen.
Cancer probably doesn’t even
see me as a challenge.
“I could do that
in a half an hour.
Send in an intern.”
But we’re sensitive
because we’ve all lost someone.
I’m surprised we even ask
what grandparents die of
at this point.
“My grandpa died.”
“What kind of cancer?”
“He was hit by a bus.”
“That’s called bus cancer.”
But we say
we’re afraid of cancer.
We don’t really behave
like we are.
We know what causes it.
Smoking causes cancer.
Yeah, I only smoke
when I’m drinking.
Which is constant, really.
We know the products
that cause cancer.
Every six months,
there’s a new sugar replacement.
“Here’s a new sugar replacement.
No calories.”
A week later,
it causes cancer.
They don’t even take it
off the shelves.
“Hey, there’s the one
that causes cancer,
and it’s on sale.”
So then we’re faced
with a sugar predicament.
Do I use the stuff
that’ll kill me
or the stuff
that’ll make me fat?
Ah, what’s a little cancer?
If he does
another cancer joke,
I’m gonna kill him
before he can ever get it.
My zodiac sign is Cancer.
What a rip-off.
I remember when I was eight
and I was finding out my sign.
My brother was like,
“What am I? What am I?”
And my sister was like,
“You’re a Capricorn.”
And I was like, “Oh, and me?
What am I? What am I?”
“Cancer.”
“Oh, no!
I killed Grandma.
What’s my symbol?”
“Crabs.”
“Oh, no.”
It all gets sewn together
so pretty.
It is a pretty thing
sewn together.
But I like being a dad.
I do.
We have a one-year-old
at home,
who for the first year
of his life,
has slept a total
of one minute.
But it’s worth it, you know.
There’s screaming,
there’s smells, you don’t sleep.
I was out of town,
and I drove by a skunk,
and all I could think was,
“I miss my baby.”
Because babies are magic.
They are.
Because they’re
the worst roommates.
Like, if you had a roommate
that did
one of the things
a newborn does,
you’d be like,
“You’re moving out. I mean–“
You can’t even reason
with a baby.
You can’t be like, “What the
hell was going on last night?
“You were hitting the bottle
pretty hard.
“Then you started screaming,
and you threw up on me.
“Then you passed out
and wet yourself.
“I went in the other room
to get you some dry clothes.
“I come back, you’re all
over my wife’s breasts.
Dude, you got to move out.
I mean–“
It’s always fun
when the mother breast-feeds.
The baby always looks right
at the dad like,
“What are you
gonna do about it?
“Man of the house, my ass.
Why don’t you take a walk?
Leave your credit card.”
Every year, when my wife
has her annual baby–
it feels that way.
By the way, the gifts stop
after the second kid.
With the fifth kid,
people barely respond
to the email announcement.
“Ah, we’ll get them
next baby.”
Once I had a friend
come up to me and go,
“Hey, congratulations
on the new baby.
I know how you feel.
We just got a puppy.”
I said, “What?”
And I love dogs,
so I understand it.
But, like, babies are
the only types of humans
that can be compared
to an animal and it’s okay.
Like, you could never be like,
“Heard you’re getting married.
“I know how you feel.
I used to have a pig.
“Bit of advice on a hot day–
“Hose that bride down.
“She’ll love it
because they can’t breathe,
their skin can’t.”
Twice a year, I travel.
I tour with my kids.
We get on a tour bus, and we go
to, like, some destination.
Last spring break,
we went to Mount Rushmore.
– Whoo!
– That’s the most applause
Mount Rushmore’s ever gotten.
I feel sorry
for Mount Rushmore.
You know, people used to
go there on their honeymoon.
And now, I bring up
Mount Rushmore,
and people look at me like
I’m talking about a TV show
that was cancelled
ten years ago.
“Is that still going on?”
Yeah, it’s a mountain!
It’s still going on.
And you know what?
It’s beautiful.
And the Black Hills
of South Dakota are–
You know, they’re sacred
to the Lakota Indians.
And out of respect,
our government carved
four white guys
into one of the mountains.
“This land is sacred.”
“How about that mountain?”
“Very sacred.”
“Good.
We got an idea.”
Ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding.
Another gift for you guys.
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
These guys were
all about freedom.
Ding, ding, ding.
Especially the two guys
that owned slaves.
But there’s so much stimulation
in our lives.
We don’t know what to make
of four faces on a mountain.
You know, my kids
didn’t know what to think.
They were like, “Is one
of the eyes gonna blink?”
And I was like,
“I don’t know.
Take a look because
I’m never coming back here.”
That is all for me.
Thank you so much, you guys.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
– ♪ Atten-hut! ♪
♪ Atten-hut! ♪
♪ Atten-hut! ♪
♪ Atten-hut! ♪
♪ Atten-hut! ♪
♪ Atten-hut! ♪
♪ Atten-hut! ♪

This is one helpful Asian. Jim Gaffigan bursts back on the scene with this eagerly anticipated fourth comedy special. Dubbed the “King of Clean Comedy” by The Wall Street Journal, Jim’s obsession with all things food comes to fruition on “Obsessed” as he tackles a cornucopia of new food topics from fruit to seafood to donuts. Get ready for 70 minutes of non-stop laughs at Jim’s twisted-yet-enlightened observations on the seemingly mundane topics that have made him a fixture in the comedy world for audiences of all ages.