Disaster Movie

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT
[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]
[ANIMAL ROARING]
[ANIMAL BELLOWING]
[GRUNTING]
[BELLOWING]
UHH!
OH, SHIT!
[ROARING CONTINUES]
AAAHHH!
UHH! UNH!
UHH.
AWOOOOO!
YOU JUST GOT WOLFED.
[PANTING] WHAT?
THAT IS AN OFFICIAL TRADEMARK
THAT I AM GETTING REGISTERED.
IT’S A LOT OF STUFF
YOU GOTTA DO,
A LOT OF HOOPS YOU GOTTA
JUMP THROUGH.
GOTTA GET ON THE INTERNET.
GOTTA GO TO SOME
STUPID-ASS WEBSITE
WHERE YOU REGISTER
A CATCHPHRASE.
I WANTED BAM, BUT…
EMERIL HAD TAKEN IT.
[SIGHS]
I’M A RAMBLIN’ MAN.
I’M RAMBLIN’.
GET UP, MAN. GET UP, MAN!
IS THE CONTENDER READY?!
UHH!
IS THE GLADIATOR READY?
AWOOO!
3, 2, 1!
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
THINGS ARE HEATING UP
FOR THE WOLF.
I JUST OPENED
A TARGET IN RESEDA…
AND MY OWN BRAND
OF BBQ SAUCE.
I’M CALLING IT
WOLF’S BBQ SAUCE–
AVAILABLE IN REGULAR
AND CHIPOTLE.
UNH! UHH!
YOU STILL GOING?
YOU STILL WANT
SOME MORE OF THIS, MAN?
I LEARNED THAT
IN ORIENTAL LAND. WHOA, YEAH!
U-S-A!
OHH!
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
EEW.
THEY’RE SO SMALL, ANYWAY…
FROM STEROIDS. UHH!
[ANIMAL ROARING]
A SABER-TOOTH.
[GROWLING]
[ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING]
AMY WINEHOUSE!
[GROWLING]
PISS OFF!
YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH
A BITCH STRAIGHT OUT OF REHAB.
LISTEN…
LIKE THE DINOSAURS
BEING DESTROYED BY THE ICE AGE,
YOU, TOO,
WILL SOON BE EXTINCT.
WHEN? HOW MUCH TIME
DO WE HAVE?
BLOODY HELL.
JUST CALM DOWN. DO YOU KNOW,
YOU’RE SPEAKING SO FAST,
I–I CAN’T EVEN HEAR, MATE.
YOU’RE MAKING MY HEAD HURT.
OR MAYBE THAT WAS
THE GASOLINE I DRANK.
OH, MY GOD, IT WAS GOOD.
OHH, GOD, I LOVE
DRINKING GASOLINE.
IT’S EXCELLENT
FOR THE VOCAL CHORDS.
THAT’S MY LITTLE SECRET.
YOU’RE WELCOME.
HOW MUCH TIME
DO WE HAVE?
UH, LET ME SEE.
HANG ON A BIT.
UHH. THERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT,
LET’S HAVE A LOOK-SEE.
[SIGHS] EVERYONE’S
ON FACEBOOK.
IT SAYS…
THAT THE END OF THE WORLD
WILL BE AUGUST 29, 2008.
Oh, God.
UNH.
BOTTOMS UP.
[GLUGGING]
AHH.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
UNH…UNH…
[BELCHING]
[CONTINUES BELCHING]
[COUGHS]
AHH.
[GASPING FOR AIR]
[BELCHING REPEATEDLY]
[SIGHS]
[CONTINUES BELCHING]
OHH…
SICK.
MARK MY WORDS, LEATHER BOY,
CAVE DWELLER, BEAVER HUNTER.
AH.
YOUR DOOM LIES…
WITH THIS.
THE CRYSTAL SKULL.
THAT’S RIGHT.
DID YOUR NIBBLIES JUST GO TIGHT?
YEAH, THEY DID.
JUST WENT RIGHT–RIGHT UP
INSIDE YOU, DIDN’T THEY?
AAAHH!
[GASPING]
OH, BOY.
WHOA.
WHEW.
I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE
TAKEN ALL THOSE AMBIEN.
AMY…
WAKE UP, BABY.
I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM.
AMY!
AAH! WHAT THE–
FLAVA FLAV!
YEAH, BOY!
I’VE BEEN GIVING YOUR GIRL
THE FLAVA OF LOVE!
SHE BEEN SUCKIN’ MY CLOCK
ALL NIGHT LONG! HA HA HA!
GET THE HELL
OUT OF HERE, FLAVA!
HA! FLAVA FLAV!
[CLOCK CHIMING]
[CACKLING]
WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?
WHAT?
YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T WANT
TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
I KNOW,
BUT FLAVA?
WILL…
I WANT TO TAKE IT
TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
UH.
I LOVE YOU.
I LIKE YOU, TOO.
OHH, MAN.
LOOK, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.
I THINK THE WORLD
IS COMING TO AN END.
[SIGHS] WELL, THAT’S
A FANCY WAY OF SAYING
YOU HAVE
COMMITMENT ISSUES.
UNBELIEVABLE.
COME ON, JOJO.
YOU’RE TAKING JOJO?
GOOD-BYE, WILL.
ARE YOU STILL COMING
TO MY SWEET 16 PARTY?
YOU’RE 25.
I NEVER HAD ONE!
GROW UP.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ IT’S THE GREATEST NIGHT ♪
♪ SUPER 16 ♪
♪ IT’S MY SPOT IN LIFE ♪
♪ SUPER 16 ♪
♪ I HOPE MTV DOESN’T
FILM ME DRINKING ON ♪
♪ MY SUPER-DUPER SWEET 16 ♪
♪ SWEET 16 ♪
[WHERE THEY AT
BY SIZZLE C PLAYING]
YEAH.
YEAH.
HI!
HI!
HEY!
YEAH!
AMY…YOU CAME.
EEK!
[GIGGLES AND SNORTS]
OH. HEY, WILL.
HAPPY SWEET 16.
THANKS.
TAKE A LOOK AT
THESE!
OHH!
GOD!
[LATIN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
HEY, WILL,
IT’S YOUR BUDDY, DR. PHIL.
MMM. HEY,
LET ME SHOW YOU
WHY MY FRAT BROTHERS
USED TO CALL ME
DR. PHIL-YA-UP.
OH, HEY, BABY.
UHH!
MMM, MMM, MMM, MMMM…
HEH HEH. OH!
DYKE!
COME BACK HERE!
I LIKE IT ROUGH.
HEY, WILL, WHERE’S
THAT GIRLFRIEND
OF YOURS, AMY?
DON’T LET HER GET AWAY.
SHE’S A REAL QUALITY GIRL–
A REAL KEEPER,
LIKE THAT ONE.
HEY, COME ON
BACK HERE, YOU WHORE.
THANKS.
YO!
LET’S PRANK HIS ASS!
HE PASSED OUT.
HE’S SLEEPING
LIKE A BABY.
WE CAN PUT HIS HANDS
IN WARM WATER.
OR I HAVE
A BETTER IDEA.
CALL IT.
TAILS.
IT IS TAILS.
[BANG]
[WHIMPERING]
PUNCH.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
WHAT’S UP, BABY? MMM.
THOSE GUYS ARE TRYING
TO STEAL OUR BOOZE.
WHAT?
WE GOTTA GET THE ALCOHOL
SO WE CAN GET THE GIRLS DRUNK
SO WE CAN FINALLY GET LAID!
I AM McLOVER.
YEAH, I KNOW.
I AM McLOVER.
STOP SAYING THAT.
I AM McLOVER!
GOD, YOU ARE
SUCH A DOUCHE.
CHICKA, CHICKA, YEAH,
FAKE I.D., WHAT?
JUST GET THE BOOZE.
NOBODY TRIES TO STEAL
MY GOLDSCHLAGER.
SHOOT THE TARGET.
LISA, HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO
DO THAT? I DON’T EVEN HAVE
A CLEAR SHOT.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
CURVE THE BULLET.
SAY WHAT?
YOU CAN CONTROL THE BULLET
TO GO WHEREVER YOU WANT.
[SAXOPHONE SOLO PLAYING]
DON’T TELL HIM WHAT TO DO.
HE’S MY MAN.
BACK OFF, BITCH.
YOU DON’T WANT
NONE OF ME.
UHH!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[BELL DINGS]
AAH! UHH!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
AAH! GET OFF OF ME!
AAH…UHH!
UHH! OH!
AAH!
COME ON, BITCH.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
BITCH.
TAKE THAT, BITCH.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
STOP MOVING AROUND,
PRETTY LITTLE THING.
OH, LOOK AT YOU
LAYING THERE.
I SHOULD KISS YOU.
GIVE ME A KISS, BABY.
AAH! UHH!
[BOTH GRUNTING AND SCREAMING]
LEFT FOOT YELLOW.
CALVIN? CALVIN!
HUH?
ARE YOU GONNA
CURVE THE BULLET OR WHAT?
HELLO?
YEAH. YEAH.
RIGHT. RIGHT.
WHOA!
WHOA!
LET’S GO BACK TO MY HOT TUB.
YOU CAN SUCK ON MY–
OHH!
DAMN.
OHH!
SORRY, PHIL.
SHIT. I CAN–I CAN DO THIS.
OH!
OH!
OH!
OH, SHIT!
LET’S GO. HURRY UP!
JUST CURVE THE BULLET.
I KNOW
YOU HAVE THE POWER.
OHH!
OH!
FREAKIN’–HURRY UP!
HURRY UP!
NICE SHOT, ASSHOLE.
♪ JUNEY, WHY WON’T YOU
HAVE AN ABORTION? ♪
♪ YOU’RE NOT EXACTLY PART OF
THE CHRISTIAN COALITION ♪
♪ I COULD JUST GRAB
A WIRE HANGER ♪
♪ AND DO IT MYSELF ♪
♪ LIKE JAMIE LYNN SPEARS,
I’M KEEPING THIS BABY ♪
♪ AND LOOK, STUD, YOU WERE
NO GEORGE CLOONEY ♪
♪ IN FACT,
I JUST SOLD THE BABY ♪
♪ TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER
ON EBAY ♪
♪ YOU’RE A SARCASTIC TEEN
WHO TALKS LIKE SHE’S– ♪
UHH!
[PUMP THE FIST
BY K MILITANT PLAYING]
YOU THINK
AMY’S COMING TONIGHT?
MAN, I DON’T KNOW.
THAT’S YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
HA HA HA!
ACTUALLY, WE BROKE UP.
WHOA, WHOA.
OH, YOU WANT
SOME NEW BOOTY–
A LITTLE SWEET
LITTLE ASIAN FREAK,
NO, NO–
A LITTLE ONE-NIGHT
IN BANGKOK,
A LITTLE SAKE-SAKE.
I SAW MEMOIRS OF
A GEISHA. I KNOW
THAT SHIT GOES ON!
I’M IN LOVE WITH HER.
THEN WHAT DID YOUR DUMB ASS
BREAK UP WITH HER FOR?
IT NEVER WOULD HAVE
WORKED OUT.
IT’S BETTER TO END IT NOW
THAN TO END UP HURTING HER.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GOT
COMMITMENT ISSUES, DAWG.
WELL, I DIDN’T EXACTLY HAVE
THE BEST EXAMPLE GROWING UP.
I NEVER EVEN KNEW MY DAD.
HE SPLIT WHEN I WAS YOUNG.
THERE SHE GO RIGHT THERE.
WHO THAT DUDE SHE WITH?
SHE STARTED DATING SOME
CALVIN KLEIN UNDERWEAR MODEL.
FORGET ABOUT HER, MAN.
I GOT SOMETHING THAT
WILL CHEER YOU UP.
[BAND PLAYING HIP-HOP MUSIC]
[CROWD CHEERING]
DUDE! WHAT IS UP WITH
THE MARCHING BAND?
WHAT BETTER WAY
TO CELEBRATE YOUR
SUPER-DUPER SWEET 16
THAN WITH
A HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL?
[ALL CHEERING]
♪ TONIGHT, TONIGHT ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ WHAT? ♪
♪ GONNA GET REAL DRUNK ♪
♪ OK, YEAH ♪
♪ TONIGHT, TONIGHT ♪
♪ A BUM’S PEEING
IN THE PUNCH ♪
♪ HELLO, MY FRIENDS ♪
♪ YOU’RE ALL AT MY PARTY ♪
♪ IT’S SO GOOD
TO SEE ALL OF YOU ♪
♪ MY EX-GIRL AMY
AND MY MAIN MAN CALVIN ♪
♪ AND THE PRIEST
THAT MOLESTED ME, TOO ♪
♪ THAT REMINDS ME OF
THE TIME I WAS IN COLLEGE ♪
♪ I WAS EXPERIMENTING ♪
♪ HOOKING UP WITH A HOT
FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT ♪
♪ I THINK HIS NAME
WAS HOP SING ♪
♪ WE’LL ALL BE
FRIENDS FOREVER ♪
♪ UNLESS YOUR
ENEMY BASTARD
DESTROYS THE CITY ♪
♪ WE’LL ALL BE
FRIENDS FOREVER ♪
♪ BECAUSE IF THAT HAPPENED,
IT’D BE KIND OF SHITTY ♪
♪ 1, 2, 3, 4 ♪
♪ AFTER WE SPLIT ♪
♪ I TOOK THE BREAKUP
REAL HARD ♪
♪ I STARTED
FOOLING AROUND ♪
♪ FOOLING AROUND ♪
♪ I DID A BLACK DUDE,
I THOUGHT HE WAS KANYE ♪
♪ AND THE JONAS BROTHERS
ALL GOT DOWN ♪
♪ NOW THAT YOU’RE SPLIT
I’LL GET HER HOOKED
ON THE REEFER ♪
♪ YEAH, I’LL START
PIMPING HER OUT ♪
[RECORD SCRATCHES]
WAIT. WHAT?
HEY, HEY, NOW.
♪ SNOOP DOGG’S GOT
NOTHING ON THIS PLAYA ♪
♪ I’LL GET THE FIRST PRIZE
AT THE PLAYAS BALL ♪
♪ WHOA, HEY, HEY, MAN ♪
♪ WHOA ♪
♪ YEAH, IT’S GOIN’
ON AND ON ♪
♪ WE CAN DO IT
ALL DAY LONG ♪
♪ IT’S THE NEW PHENOMENON ♪
♪ WHOA ♪
♪ YEAH, IT’S GOIN’
ON AND ON ♪
♪ IT’S THE NEW PHENOMENON ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ WE’LL ALL BE
FRIENDS FOREVER ♪
♪ UNLESS YOUR
ENEMY BASTARD
DESTROYS THE CITY ♪
♪ WE’LL ALL BE
FRIENDS FOREVER ♪
♪ BECAUSE IF THAT HAPPENED,
IT’D BE KIND OF SHITTY ♪
♪ 1, 2, 3, 4 ♪
J.T. IS HERE! J.T.!
♪ OW! ♪
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪ OOH, BABE ♪
♪ IF I SANG YOU A MELODY ♪
♪ WOULD YOU TOSS ME ♪
♪ TOSS ME ♪
♪ YOUR PANTIES? ♪
♪ PANTIES, OOH ♪
♪ WANT IT ♪
♪ I DON’T MEAN TO BE
A BOASTFUL MAN ♪
♪ BUT I’VE DONE GROUPIES
IN MY TOURING VAN ♪
♪ BRITNEY, CAMERON,
SCARLETT, TOO ♪
♪ THEY ALL LIKE A TASTE
OF MY FONDUE ♪
[IMITATES RECORD SCRATCH]
♪ WANT IT ♪
♪ COME TO THINK OF IT ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ I’VE HAD SO MUCH ASS ♪
♪ ASS ♪
♪ ALL THAT’S LEFT FOR ME
IS LANCE BASS ♪
♪ COME ON, LANCE ♪
LOOK, EVERYONE!
IT’S JESSICA SIMPSON!
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, AHH ♪
[CROWD GROANING]
♪ AHH, AHH, AHH, AHH ♪
♪ MY BOOBS ARE FOR JESUS ♪
♪ Y’ALL, IT IS
ALL FOR JESUS ♪
PUT YOUR PANTS
BACK ON, DAD. GO, ROMO.
OH, MY GOD. HE’S GOTTA
SCORE A BASKET GOAL.
WAIT. WHAT’S IT CALLED AGAIN?
OH, MY GOSH. I TOTALLY FORGET.
WHAT IS IT? A RUBDOWN?
WHAT? A TICKLE DOWN.
OH…A TOUCHDOWN. WELL, DUH.
[SNORTS AND LAUGHS]
FRIGGING JINX!
♪ WHOA ♪
[CROWD GASPS]
GOSH.
♪ WE’LL ALL BE
FRIENDS FOREVER ♪
♪ UNLESS YOUR
ENEMY BASTARD
DESTROYS THE CITY ♪
♪ WE’LL ALL BE
FRIENDS FOREVER ♪
♪ BECAUSE IF THAT HAPPENED,
IT’D BE KIND OF SHITTY ♪
♪ 1, 2, 3, 4, HOORAY! ♪
[RUMBLING]
[CROWD SCREAMING]
WHAT’S GOING ON? AAH!
[GLASS SHATTERING]
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
[BEEPING]
Man on radio: THIS IS
AN EMERGENCY BROADCAST.
THIS IS AN EMERGENCY BROADCAST.
SHH! SHUT UP,
EVERYBODY. LISTEN.
SOMETHING HAS JOLTED THE CITY.
WE’RE GETTING REPORTS
IT COULD BE AN EARTHQUAKE
OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.
OH, SHIT.
SEISMOLOGISTS HAVE
MARKED THE EPICENTER
AT A TRENDY LOFT DISTRICT
WHOSE RESIDENTS ARE
ATTRACTIVE TWENTY-SOMETHINGS
WHO DANCE TO
BAD EIGHTIES MUSIC,
WEAR ABERCROMBIE & FITCH,
AND LIKE TO DRINK LIGHT BEER.
[CROWD GASPS]
[SCREAMS]
OH, GOD, WE’RE ALL
GONNA DIE! [WHIMPERING]
TAKE A XANAX, FABIO.
YOU’RE WIGGING HARDER THAN
A SMACK ADDICT
AT AN IGGY SHOW
CIRCA ’73.
WHAT?
IT’S COOL, MOE DEE,
SIR CRIES-A-LOT.
YOU’RE TOTALLY GIVING ME
THE STINK-EYE.
HUH?
FYI, BATTLE CROTCH GALACTICA,
YOU’RE GRAPE-SMUGGLING
HARDER THAN CORNELIUS
IN PLANET OF THE APES–
THE ORIGINAL,
NOT TIM BURTON’S.
AND B-T-DUBS, I HAVEN’T SEEN
A SIX-PACK LIKE THAT
SINCE I SHOT-GUNNED
MOLSON GOLDEN AT LOLLAPALOOZA.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND
A THING YOU’RE SAYING.
THAT’S BECAUSE I SPEAK
IN OVERLY WRITTEN
CLEVER-FOR-CLEVER’S
SAKE QUIPS.
UCCH.
TIME TO GET
THIS SEA MONKEY PLASTERED.
[GLUGGING]
AHH.
Man on radio: THIS IS
AN EMERGENCY BROADCAST…
[BEEPING AND RADIO STATIC]
[TRANSMISSION BREAKING UP]
AMY! ARE YOU OK?
YEAH.
WHY DID YOU BRING
ANOTHER GUY TO MY PARTY?
WHY DO YOU CARE?
BECAUSE I–
I DON’T.
I’M OUTTA HERE.
LATER, BITCH!
YOU KNOW WHAT, WILL?
EVERY TIME WE MADE LOVE,
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
ANOTHER GUY.
WELL, SO WAS I.
DAMN IT!
WILL! YOU GOTTA
HEAR THIS!
Man on radio:
THE QUAKE ERUPTED A GAS MAIN
AND DESTROYED THE GHETTO.
I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.
AW, HELL, NO!
BULLSHIT!
OH, MAN!
CRACKER.
WE’RE NOW GETTING REPORTS
THAT ASTEROIDS ARE
FALLING OUT OF THE SKY AND…
END OF THE WORLD.
AND A PINKBERRY
HAS JUST BEEN DESTROYED!
[CROWD SCREAMING]
IT’S LIKE MY DREAM.
[SCREAMING]
I REPEAT–A PINKBERRY
HAS JUST BEEN DESTROYED!
AAH!
AAH!
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[CRASH]
[CRASH]
[SCREAMING]
GOD, WHAT THE HELL’S
HAPPENING?!
I THINK IT’S THE APOCALYPSE!
IT’S ARMAGEDDON!
[GASPS] I THINK
I JUST SHIT MYSELF!
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
[ALL GASPING AND SCREAMING]
[ZOOMING AND RUMBLING]
[CAR ALARMS]
OH, MY GOD!
HANNAH MONTANA’S DEAD!
[GASPS] OH, NO!
WELL…GOOD-BYE,
ALL MY FANS.
KEEP ROCKIN’!
[MOANING]
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
SHE’S A NATIONAL TREASURE!
[SOBBING]
[HEARTBEAT]
ALSO, REMIND
YOUR PARENTS
TO PICK UP YOUR OFFICIAL
HANNAH MONTANA
LUNCH BOX,
HANNAH MONTANA
CHEESE GRATER,
AND HANNAH MONTANA
TOILET PAPER.
AND BE SURE TO TUNE IN TO
MY SUMMER IN MONTANA CONCERT
THIS WEDNESDAY,
8:00/7:00 CENTRAL!
[MOANS]
[FEEDBACK]
I WAITED IN LINE FOR 2 DAYS
FOR THESE TICKETS!
DAMN!
AND LET ME JUST SAY,
THOSE TOTALLY SEXY
AND UTTERLY PROVOCATIVE
PICTURES OF ME
WERE LEAKED ON TO
MYSPACE COMPLETELY
WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!
BUT IF YOU’LL NOTICE
IN THOSE PICTURES,
I’M WEARING
MY NEW LINE OF SEXY
HANNAH MONTANA LINGERIE,
NOW AVAILABLE AT TARGET.
[MOANS]
[FEEDBACK]
[GASPS]
[FEEDBACK]
OH, MY GOD. HANNAH MONTANA
IS REALLY MILEY CYRUS!
WELL, DUH.
NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.
ALL I DO IS WEAR A WIG.
I CHANGE MY VOICE
A LITTLE BIT
AND THOSE DUMB KIDS
CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
THEN I GET TWICE THE PAY
AND TWICE THE MERCHANDISE.
JUST A REMINDER–
MY NEW CD COMES OUT,
MILEY CYRUS: UNDERAGE.
IT’S AVAILABLE
IN STORES NOW,
FEATURING SONGS FROM
MY DAD, BILLY RAY,
ONLY $9.95.
[EXHALES]
[FEEDBACK]
[RUMBLING]
[ALL GASP]
CAN SOMEBODY HELP US?
ISN’T THERE ANYBODY
THAT CAN HELP?
HEY, HANCOCK…
HANCOCK.
UNH.
WE NEED HELP.
[GRUNTS]
WAKE UP,
YOU DRUNK MOTHERFUCKER.
GET YOUR PUNK ASS UP,
FLY DOWN THERE
AND FIX THAT SHIT.
ASSHOLE!
UNH. UHH.
[RUMBLING]
AW, HELL, NO.
BIG WILLIE’S OUTTA HERE.
[CLANG]
UHH! UHH!
[GRUNTING]
OH, I NEED A DRINK.
UHH.
[CRACKING]
HOLY SHIT!
IT’S COMING THIS WAY!
WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
COME ON, GUYS,
LET’S GET OUT OF HERE!
LET’S GO!
[WIND HOWLING]
THIS WAY! OVER HERE!
COME ON! COME ON!
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
[ALL PANTING]
WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO NOW?
B-B-BABY–BABY, I DON’T KNOW.
LOOK. WE’LL JUST, UH–
WE’LL WAIT OUT
THE STORM HERE
UNTIL IT PASSES BY.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
Woman: HEY…
THIS IS OUR HIDING PLACE.
GET LOST.
RIGHT, CARRIE?
HELLO, LOVER.
UNLESS YOU WANT TO FIGHT.
HEY, LOOK,
WE DON’T WANT
ANY TROUBLE.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
I NEVER BACK DOWN.
GET SOME.
AS YOU CAN SEE,
I ALREADY DID.
[ALL GASP]
Carrie: AND SO I THOUGHT,
COULD A SIMPLE
NEW YORK CITY GAL LIKE ME
REALLY BEAT THE SHIT
OUT OF A PREGNANT TEENAGER?
I WONDER…
LIKE DOLPH LUNDGREN
IN ROCKY IV,
I MUST BREAK YOU.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[ALL GASPING]
HYAH!
UHH! [PANTING]
HO HO HO!
YEAH!
UNH! AAH!
UHH!
OH!
AAH…
OHH!
I’M LACTATING. MOO.
GOT MILK?
[WHIMPERING]
[SNORTING]
[CRACK]
OH, GOD.
IS THAT YOUR FEET?
YEAH. AND THIS IS
MY BABY’S FOOT.
[SQUISHING]
[GRUNTING]
SMELL IT…
AND TASTE IT.
SUCK ON
MY PLACENTA.
[WOMEN GASPING]
[CHEERING]
OH! CARRIE!
CARRIE, DARLING,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
COME ON, LADIES.
LET’S GET OUT
OF HERE NOW.
[WHIMPERING]
[RUMBLING]
OH!
WHAT THE HELL’S
GOING ON?
I DON’T KNOW.
WAKE UP
AND SMELL THE PRIUS.
I KNOW IT’S AN INCONVENIENT
TRUTH, BUT IT’S CALLED
GLOBAL WARMING.
NO. NO, IT’S NOT
GLOBAL WARMING.
AMY WINEHOUSE CAME TO ME
IN MY DREAMS
AFTER I FOUGHT IN
AMERICAN GLADIATOR.
I THINK IT HAS
SOMETHING TO DO WITH
THE CRYSTAL SKULL–
UHH! OW.
COME ON. CRACKHEAD WINEHOUSE?
CRYSTAL SKULL?
YOU SOUND LIKE
A CRAZY MAN.
LOOK, IT’S GETTING LATE.
LET’S JUST STAY
HERE TONIGHT
AND WAIT OUT THE STORM.
I’M FREEZING.
WE GOTTA TAKE OFF
OUR CLOTHES.
WHAT?
OUR BODIES WILL KEEP
EACH OTHER WARM.
OTHERWISE,
WE’RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT
THROUGH THE NIGHT.
Y-YEAH. YEAH.
HE’S RIGHT. COME ON.
[GASPS]
OHH…
I THINK MY WATER’S
GONNA BREAK.
WATER?
[SQUISHING]
UHH!
UHH!
WHAT THE FUCK!
[GAGS]
SORRY.
LOOK, I HAVE SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU.
I’M NOT REALLY A BANKER.
I’M A JUMPER.
A WHAT?
I CAN TELEPORT
THROUGH TIME AND SPACE.
[GRUNTING AND CHUCKLING]
I HOPE WE STAY
TOGETHER FOREVER. I LOVE YOU.
UH…LATER.
HA! I AM PRINCE CASPIAN,
HERE TO SAVE NARNIA.
UHH! [MOANING]
LITTLE HELP?
YOU GUYS?
IT’S THE GUY
WHO RUINED
STAR WARS.
AAH!
WHAT?
WILL, WE SAW
YOUR DREAM.
OH, MAN.
MAN, YOU MESSED
SHIT UP WITH AMY.
YOU’RE LUCKY A GIRL LIKE THAT
WOULD EVEN TALK TO YOU.
SHE’S HOT, SEXY.
SHE GOT A JOB.
PFFFT! MAN, THAT GIRL
OUT YOUR LEAGUE.
SHE’S NOT
OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
SHIT. SHE’S GOT TO PUT UP
WITH YOUR STANK BREATH.
NOT TO MENTION
YOUR ABNORMALLY HIGH
PLUMBER’S CRACK.
EEW.
EEW.
MAN, PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN.
ALL RIGHT. YOU’RE RIGHT.
YOU’RE RIGHT.
I MESSED UP WITH AMY.
[SIGHS]
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
LET HER GO.
[RUMBLING]
UHH!
WHOA!
JESUS CHRIST.
THAT WAS A RUMP SHAKER.
OK, HERE’S THE PLAN.
WE GOTTA GET THE HELL
UP OUT THIS CITY.
WHAT YOU SAY? WHAT–
WHAT THE HELL Y’ALL DOIN’
LEAVIN’ ME?!
KEEP IT MOVING, PEOPLE.
NOTHING TO SEE.
ALL THE DISASTERS
HAVE BEEN CONTAINED.
THE CITY IS SECURE.
[RUMBLING]
[SCREAMING]
WHOA!
OHH!
OHH!
SHIT!
SICK!
LIKE I SAID, KEEP MOVING.
IT’S UNDER CONTROL.
UHH!
AAH!
I’M OUTTA HERE.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
WHAT WAS THAT?
Juney:
THAT WAS A HEAD.
THAT WAS A HEAD.
HELLO?
WHOSE HEAD?
HELLO?
Amy: WILL, IT’S ME.
AMY–
WHERE ARE YOU?
I’M AT WORK AT THE MUSEUM.
I WAS WORRIED
ABOUT THE ARTIFACTS.
ARE YOU OK?
I’M SCARED.
IT’LL BE ALL RIGHT,
I PROMISE. LISTEN–
THERE’S SOMETHING THAT
I NEED TO TELL YOU,
AND I SHOULD HAVE
TOLD YOU LONG BEFORE.
I WAS AN IDIOT.
I LOVE YOU.
[NO AUDIO]
WHAT…DO YOU SAY?
DO YOU…STILL LOVE ME?
[NO AUDIO]
Will: SAY SOMETHING.
SAY SOMETHING,
YOU STUCK-UP BITCH!
[LINE DISCONNECTS AND BEEPS]
UHH. ASSHOLE.
[LINE BEEPING]
HELLO? HELLO, AMY?
SHIT!
[RUMBLING]
[GASPING]
LOOK!
OH! WHAT THE–
WE GOTTA GO BACK.
SAY WHAT?!
AMY’S IN TROUBLE, MAN.
I’M GOING BACK FOR HER.
I LET HER GO BEFORE.
I’M NOT LOSING HER AGAIN.
YO, MAN,
NOW, YOU CRAZY, MAN.
THERE’S ALL KIND OF SHIT
BREAKING OUT IN THE CITY.
IF WE DON’T LEAVE
RIGHT NOW, WE’RE GONNA DIE.
IT’S SOMETHING I GOTTA DO.
YOU GUYS KEEP GOING.
NO, I’M YOUR BOY, MAN.
I’M GONNA ROLL WITH YOU.
YEAH. I MEAN,
I’M ALREADY KNOCKED UP,
SO WHAT OTHER
SHENANIGANS CAN
I REALLY GET INTO?
I MEAN, I’M MORE BLOATED
THAN VINCE VAUGHN
IN THE BREAK-UP
OR VINCE VAUGHN
IN FRED CLAUS OR…
I GUESS VINCE VAUGHN
IN GENERAL.
SO, LET’S GO.
YEAH, PLEASE. OK?
LISA! COME ON!
NO, GUYS.
COME ON, BABY.
I REALLY HAVE
A BAD FEELING
ABOUT THIS.
[SCREAMING]
Calvin: LISA!
IT KILLED LISA! LISA!
COME ON. COME ON.
IT KILLED LISA!
WE GOTTA GO! COME ON!
YOU BASTARD!
[SOBBING]
Juney: I’M REALLY SORRY
ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
HOME SKILLET.
LO SIENTO ABOUT YOUR
MAIN SQUEEZE, KEMO SABE.
I’D OFFER YOU
MY SEXUAL FAVORS,
BUT I’VE GOT A LOT
OF MUCUS DISCHARGE LATELY.
LISA WAS A GREAT GIRL.
[COUGHING]
♪ AHH ♪
LISA WHO?
OHH! OH, WHERE AM I?
OH, WHAT
AN ENCHANTING PLACE.
OOH!
IT SMELLS LIKE
MEAT AND STRESS.
[GIGGLING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
OH, YAY! WONDERFUL.
WHAT MAGICAL CREATURE
ARE YOU?
OOH!
WHOA!
OH! OHHH!
♪ MY DEAR PRINCE ♪
♪ YOU HAVE RESCUED ME,
YOU CAUGHT ME ♪
♪ IN YOUR ARMS ♪
♪ ACTUALLY, YOU LANDED
ON MY BALLS! ♪
LET ME GUESS.
AN EVIL WITCH
BANISHED YOU
FROM YOUR
FAIRYTALE KINGDOM.
[GIGGLING]
NO, MY SILLY,
PASTY, QUIRKY TEEN.
ACTUALLY, I’M JUST
A DEMENTED HOMELESS CHICK
WHO LIVES IN THE SEWERS.
HOW DID YOU
END UP THERE?
DRUGS–LOTS AND LOTS
AND LOTS OF
MIND-ALTERING, ENCHANTING
♪ DRUGS! ♪
[BOTH GIGGLING]
I DON’T JUDGE.
[INCOMING METEOR]
[CRASH]
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
IT’S DANGEROUS OUT THERE.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO COME WITH US,
IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.
OK.
ALL RIGHT.
BYE. OH, I’M GOING
WITH YOU.
YES, YOU ARE.
THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM
IS JUST UPTOWN. LET’S GO.
AHA!
♪ DREAMS AND FAIRY TALES ♪
♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪
♪ TALKING SQUIRRELS
AND MAGIC ♪
♪ AND…STUFF ♪
PRINCESS, WAIT.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
AND WHO’S
THAT MOORISH RUFFIAN?
I’M HER NEW BOYFRIEND.
WHAT IT DO?
HA HA!
VERY FUNNY, DARK PEASANT.
I’M PRINCE EDWIN.
PRINCESS…
HE YOUR PIMP?
OH, GOOD HEAVENS,
YES. UM…EH…
BUT THAT’S ALL RIGHT.
UM, I CAN HAVE A PIMP
AND A BOYFRIEND.
OH, WHAT TO DO?
OH! [GIGGLING]
WHICHEVER PRINCE
CAN VANQUISH THE OTHER
SHALL WIN MY HAND.
YAY!
YOU READY TO STEP UP?
WAIT.
YOU MEAN,
LIKE THE FIRST STEP UP MOVIE,
WHERE THE TOUGH
STREET DANCER DUDE
WENT TO THE DANCE ACADEMY?
NO, I WAS THINKING
MORE LIKE STEP UP 2,
WHERE THE TOUGH
STREET-DANCING CHICK
WENT TO
THE DANCING ACADEMY.
MM-HMM. I FEEL YOU.
HE AIN’T READY FOR ME.
OH. HIT THE FLOOR. THEN, SON.
JUNEY, WILL, I’M ABOUT
TO BREAK HIM DOWN, BABY.
YOU WANT SOME?
WELL, HERE YOU GO.
[I LIKE DEM GIRLS
BY SIZZLE C PLAYING]
♪ THEY LOOK SO GOOD
IN MY HOOD… ♪
OH! YOU SEE THAT?
OH, A HOEDOWN?
HE’S AMAZING…
OH! OH!
OOH! CRAZY SHIRT MAN.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
OH, NO,
NO, NO.
[GIGGLING]
AAH! OH. IT’S JUST MY SLEEVE.
COME ON.
OH, HE’S DOUBLE-JOINTED.
WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?
AAH! OH.
THERE MUST BE
A MIRROR SOMEWHERE.
WHOA!
OH, MAKE SOME ROOM.
MAKE SOME ROOM.
MAKE SOME ROOM.
COME ON, CHUBBY.
♪ I LIKE DEM GIRLS
WITH DEM CURVES… ♪
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
OH, DAMN. THAT HO
IS ALL ON POINT.
HYAH!
OH!
WHAT? SEE THAT?
HO HO HO!
THAT BITCH BETTER WORK.
SHE IS OFF THE CHIZZAIN.
I–I THINK SHE’S CROWNING.
OW!
I WANT TO DANCE.
I’M NOT SURE
I CAN, THOUGH.
I’M NOT SURE.
DON’T PRESSURE ME!
I’M READY.
OH, LOOK OUT.
LOOK AT HER COMING IN.
[SMACK]
UHH!
OH, YEAH.
HEY, HEY. YEAH.
OOH!
UHH. UHH. OOH.
WHOA!
AAH!
OH!
OH! WHOA!
♪ I LIKE DEM GIRLS
WITH DEM CURVES… ♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
[RUMBLING]
THERE!
Prince Edwin: WHOA!
[SHOUTING]
I’M OUTTA HERE!
BYE!
SHE’S ALL YOURS, BRO!
[WIND HOWLING]
IT’S A TWISTER!
RUN! RUN!
IS THERE ANYONE
THAT CAN SAVE US?
WE NEED A HERO!
[CLANKING]
I AM IRON MAN.
[MOO]
OH! YAY!
OH!
OH!
MAN! THAT TWISTER
SHAT OUT A COW!
Iron Man:
SHIT! THAT’S SO MESSED UP.
OH!
NOW YOU’RE PISSING ME OFF.
I’M THE ONLY BADASS
AROUND HERE.
[MOO]
OH!
OH!
OH! DAMN!
ANOTHER COW?
[GRUNTING]
[MOO]
WHAT WAS THAT?
THAT’S NOT NICE.
LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT THIS!
IT’S A LOBSTER CLAW!
WHATEVER. LOOK, I’M CARRYING
A LOT OF BAGGAGE.
I DIDN’T
NEED THAT, MAN. UHH!
[COW MOOS]
DON’T MAKE ME ANGRY.
YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME
WHEN I’M ANGRY.
THERE’S ASPECTS OF
MY PERSONALITY
THAT I CAN’T CONTROL.
[PANTING AND GROWLING]
[RIPPING]
[ROARING]
YAY!
[ROARING]
OWW!
WELL, AT LEAST HE DIDN’T
GET HIT WITH A COW!
[MOO]
UNH!
OH! YAY!
OH! MAN!
OH!
HEY, CASANOVA, FORGET AMY.
WE’RE NEVER GONNA
MAKE IT TO THE MUSEUM.
Will: I KNOW
SHE’S STILL ALIVE!
Amy:
HELLO, JOJO?
JOJO? NO.
NO, IT’S ME.
WILL–WILL, I’M TRAPPED.
AN EGYPTIAN STATUE FELL ON ME
DURING THE EARTHQUAKE.
Will: STAY CALM, AMY.
JUST STAY CALM!
I’M SO SCARED. I’M SO SCARED.
ALL RIGHT, AMY,
LISTEN TO ME.
DON’T PANIC.
[LINE BEEPING]
I WILL BE THERE!
I PROMISE.
[LINE BEEPING]
AMY? AMY!
OH! OW! OH.
GUYS, I’M GOING BACK
FOR HER!
YOU CAN’T SAVE HER
IF YOU’RE DEAD!
COME ON! LET’S GO!
I’LL BE THERE
AS SOON AS I CAN!
GO!
GO!
BYE!
AMY! NO!
COME ON, WILL!
LET’S GO!
NO! AMY!
YOU’VE GOT TO!
[ALL PANTING]
I KNOW YOU GUYS THINK I’M CRAZY,
BUT ALL THESE DISASTERS
HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH
THE CRYSTAL SKULL.
IT’S, LIKE, T.M.T.H.
T.M. WHAT?
TOO MUCH TO HANDLE?
THEN, BITCH, WHY YOU
DON’T JUST SAY THAT?
WHY EVERYTHING A GODDAMN
ACRONYM WITH YOU?
CHILLY WILLY OUT,
LL NOT COOL J.
OH! DO STOP ALL OF THIS
QUARRELING, HONESTLY.
NOW, WHO’S HUNGRY?
OH!
[CLATTERING]
MMM. MMM. MMM.
OH! DELICIOUS!
OHH. WHATEVER.
BON APPETIT! HA!
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?
NO.
MMM…YUM, YUM,
YUM, YUM….
[GIGGLING]
WHAT?
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Y’ALL, THAT’S
MY GET SMART PHONE.
JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE.
UHH.
EEW…
OOH.
YOU GOT…POOP.
JUST A SMIDGE.
DID I GET IT?
DID I GET IT ALL?
[GAGS]
WH-WHAT Y’ALL LOOKING
AT ME LIKE THAT FOR?
YOU GOT…YEAH.
IS IT RIGHT THERE?
IT’S FINE.
JUST GO…
JUST–I GET IT
ALL THE TIME
ALL OVER.
UHH. [SIGHS]
WHAT IT DO?
UM, HEY, Y’ALL…
IT’S LISA MOMS.
I GOTTA TELL HER
WHAT HAPPENED
TO HER DAUGHTER.
HI, MS. HELLER.
[SIGHS]
LISA…
[SOBS] LISA DEAD.
BUT BOOYAH!
HA HA HA HA!
I MET THIS FINE,
HOT ENCHANTED
PRINCESS CHICK
WILLING TO DO ANYTHING
AND EVERYTHING I WANT.
YOU GOTTA TALK TO HER.
TALK TO HER.
HELLO? OH, YES,
HE’S RIGHT.
I WILL DO
ANYTHING. TRULY.
I’M NOT REFERRED TO
ON THE STREET
AS THE CAVERNOUS
PRINCESS FOR NOTHING.
A NOMENCLATURE
WELL-DESERVED
MOST ASSUREDLY.
IF YOU’VE GOT 5 BUCKS
WORTH OF METH,
I’LL SHOW YOU.
YEAH, ONE TIME
I HOOKED UP WITH
A 100-YEAR-OLD WIZARD,
AND HIS PENIS
KEPT REAPPEARING
IN ALL SORTS
OF DIFFERENT PLACES.
NEVER AGAIN.
YOU’RE SO COOL!
WE SHOULD TOTALLY HANG OUT.
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
SHE’S AWESOME.
LOOK, WE GOTTA GET TO AMY
AT THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM.
[RUMBLING]
OHH!
[CLATTERING]
OH! OH, MY!
OH, NO.
Will: I–I CAN’T
SEE ANYTHING!
Calvin: NEITHER CAN I.
Juney: SOMEBODY IS TOTALLY
FEELING ME UP. CALVIN?
I DIDN’T DO IT.
[GIGGLING]
THEY’RE SO PERKY.
THEY’RE FILLED WITH MILK.
[CLANK]
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
[GASPING]
[CLINKING]
[ELECTRONIC BUZZING]
[TWITTERING]
[ALL GASPING]
OH!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
AHH!
♪ WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR ♪
♪ GOOD TIDINGS WE BRING ♪
♪ TO YOU AND YOUR KIN ♪
♪ GOOD TIDINGS FOR CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR ♪
WONDERFUL! WHAT ADORABLE
WOODLAND CREATURES.
I’M NOT MERRY, REALLY.
THAT DIDN’T–I MEAN,
THAT DIDN’T MAKE ME MERRY.
I DON’T FEEL…
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]
MERRY, I GUESS.
♪ BOOGIE, BOOGIE,
FUNKY DISCO ♪
♪ SHAKE YOUR BOOTY DOWN ♪
♪ BOOGIE, BOOGIE,
FUNKY DISCO ♪
♪ SHAKE YOUR BOOTY DOWN ♪
♪ BOOTY SHAKING,
BOOTY SHAKING,
MUSIC MAKING ♪
♪ BOOGIE DOWN,
BOOGIE DOWN ♪
♪ COME ON AND BOOGIE ♪
♪ BOOGIE DOWN, BOOGIE DOWN ♪
♪ YEAH, GET TOGETHER
AND BOOGIE ♪
♪ BOOGIE DOWN, BOOGIE DOWN ♪
♪ COME ON AND BOOGIE ♪
♪ BOOGIE DOWN, BOOGIE DOWN ♪
♪ YEAH, GET TOGETHER
AND BOOGIE ♪
MAN, THEM GUYS
ALL RIGHT.
THAT’S CUTE. THAT’S CUTE.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ EVIL ♪
♪ EVIL ♪
♪ EVIL INCARNATE,
EVIL INCARNATE ♪
♪ DEATH AND ♪
♪ DEATH AND ♪
♪ DEATH AND ANNIHILATION ♪
♪ FEASTING ♪
♪ FEASTING ♪
♪ ON THE BLOOD,
ON THE BLOOD ♪
♪ OF THE YOUTH ♪
♪ OF THE YOUTH ♪
♪ OF THE YOUTH NATION ♪
[RHYTHMIC TWITTERING
AND GRUNTING]
♪ EVIL ♪
♪ EVIL ♪
♪ EVIL INCARNATE,
EVIL INCARNATE ♪
♪ DEATH AND ♪
♪ DEATH AND ♪
♪ DEATH AND ANNIHILATION ♪
♪ FEASTING ♪
♪ FEASTING… ♪
OK. YOU GUYS ARE NOT
ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS,
ARE YOU?
♪ OF THE YOUTH NATION, UHH! ♪
I THINK THAT ONE’S
GOT RABIES.
[TWITTERING AND GURGLING]
WHERE ARE YOU GOING,
PUNK ASS?
AAH!
ALVIN!
[CRUNCH]
[ALL SCREAMING
AND GRUNTING]
[TWITTERING AND GRUNTING]
HYAH!
OOH, I LOVE THAT.
[CRUNCH]
AAH!
GET HIM OFF! WHAT THE HELL!
I THOUGHT YOU WAS MY FRIEND!
MMM. SALTY.
[GRUNTING]
YOU’RE HITTING
THE WRONG THING!
YOU–AAH!
I FEEL LEFT OUT.
NO ONE’S BITING MY FLESH.
POOH.
IS THAT THE BEST
YOU GOT, PUSSY?
YOU ARE SUCH A GIRL!
[SMACK]
[CRUNCH]
[SCREAMING]
[TWITTERING]
REDRUM! [GRUNTING]
AAH! AAH! AAH!
[PANTING]
WHERE DID HE GO?
AAH!
YEAH!
OH!
[WHIMPERING AND SCREAMING]
[SHOUTING AND GRUNTING]
[CRUNCH]
[TWITTERING]
[CRUNCH]
AAH!
[MOANING]
[MUNCHING]
OH, BOY.
TASTY VERTEBRAE!
OHH!
JUNEY!
LET HER GO!
LET HER GO, MAN.
AIN’T NOTHING WE CAN DO.
BUT SHE’S STILL ALIVE.
THEY’RE MUNCHING ME
HARDER THAN RACHAEL RAY
CHOWING DOWN EGGS BENEDICT
ON $40 A DAY.
YEAH!
EVEN WHEN THE BITCH
IS DYING, SHE DON’T SHUT UP
WITH HER WITTY REPARTEE.
HEY, BFFs, WHAT’S THE 4-1-1
ON THE 9-1-1?
OHH. SHE IS RATHER ANNOYING.
WTH? I’M SO NOT ROTFLOLing.
BUT PLEASE K.I.T.
BEFORE I GET 187ed.
OHH. BLOG YOU LATER.
[EXHALES]
FINALLY.
WHEW.
FINALLY.
THAT WAS JUST
THE AMUSE BOUCHE.
NOW THE MAIN COURSE!
[SHOUTING AND TWITTERING]
OH!
Alvin: COME BACK HERE,
YOU BITCHES! [SNEEZES]
I’LL GET YOU
IN YOUR GRILL!
[SNEEZES] PUSSIES!
DIE!
CAN’T…BREATHE…
NEED…AIR…
[BOTH PANTING]
Alvin: SHITHEAD!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[ALL PANTING]
WHEW.
IS–IS
EVERYBODY OK?
UH-HUH.
YEAH, I’M OK.
UHH.
HEY, BABY…
YOUR KNEE IS
ALL SKINNED UP.
OH, YES. BUT THAT’S NOT
FROM THE CHIPMUNKS.
BUT I DO HAVE
THIS TERRIBLE HEADACHE.
Woman: HEAD ON.
APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD.
HEAD ON. APPLY DIRECTLY
TO THE FOREHEAD.
HEAD ON. APPLY DIRECTLY
TO THE FOREHEAD.
HEAD ON. APPLY DIRECTLY
TO THE FOREHEAD.
I–I JUST DID.
I SAID HEAD ON, BITCH.
APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD.
WHATEVER.
DON’T COP AN ATTITUDE, SLUT.
I SAID APPLY HEAD ON
DIRECTLY TO
YOUR GODDAMN FOREHEAD.
OK! OK! HAPPY?
LOOK, YOU LITTLE
WHITE-TRASH PIECE OF SHIT,
HEAD ON, MOTHERFUCKER.
APPLY DIRECTLY TO
YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FOREHEAD.
OK. THERE.
IT’S ALL OVER.
HEAD ON. FACE ON.
NOSE ON. EYES ON.
[SIGHS]
OH, THAT’S GREAT!
MY HEADACHE IS GONE,
BUT I STILL HAVE
THAT DREADFUL YEAST INFECTION.
HMM.
SOURDOUGH, ANYONE?
I COULD HAVE DID
WITHOUT THAT.
LET’S GET TO
THE MUSEUM.
OK.
[HORNS HONKING]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
Man: MOVE IT!
Woman: OH, MY GOD!
[HONKING]
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
WHAT’S GOING ON?
WHERE IS
EVERYBODY GOING?
IT’S A MASS EVACUATION.
EVERYONE HAS TO
LEAVE THE CITY RIGHT NOW.
HOLD UP.
YOU LEAVING, TOO, BATMAN?
SHIT, YES. YEAH.
I’M LEAVING, OK?
I DON’T WANT TO DIE.
NOT ON MY SCHEDULE TODAY.
NOT ON MY TO-DO LIST.
IT WASN’T WAKE UP,
MAKE BREAKFAST, JOG,
SCIENCE EXPERIMENT, DIE.
NOT ON IT. NOT ON IT! OK?
ARE WE DONE?
[GRUNTS]
ANYONE WHO STAYS IN TOWN
AFTER TONIGHT IS GONNA BE
BURIED IN RUBBLE.
[GASPS]
I HATE RUBBLE!
I’VE GOT TO GET TO
THE NATURAL HISTORY
MUSEUM TO MY GIRL AMY.
SHE’S TRAPPED.
SON, IF YOU GO BACK AFTER
YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
YOU HAVE
ZERO CHANCE OF SURVIVAL.
I’LL TAKE THOSE ODDS.
WELL, SHE MUST BE
SOME PIECE OF PUSSY.
SHE IS, SIR. SHE IS.
LOOK, THE EVACUATION BUS
IS LEAVING CITY HALL
AT 2100 HOURS.
21? HOW LONG–
WHAT IS–THAT’S, UH,
5, CARRY THE 6–
9 P.M. I’M GONNA SAVE YOU
YOUR CRAZY MATH. IT’S 9 P.M.
START AT NOON, AND THEN
9 HOURS LATER, THAT’S 9:00.
THAT’S THE TIME YOU NEED TO GET
ON THOSE EVACUATION BUSES,
OR YOU’RE DEAD.
D-DEAD?!
COME ON.
IT’S ALREADY 5:30.
WHOA–HUH?
S-SAY AGAIN? 5:30?
OH, JESUS. OH. OH, GOD.
I’VE WASTED THE WHOLE DAY.
I WAS–I WAS ON AMAZON
LOOKING AT STUFF–
SHIT! WHY?
WHY WOULD I GO
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING TODAY?
WHY WOULD I PICK TODAY?
SON OF A BITCH.
OK, PLAN “B.”
HI.
HI.
I’M BATMAN.
[IMITATES BATMAN]
I’M ENCHANTED PRINCESS.
TRUE STORY–
I HAD A WOMAN ONE TIME
TELL ME I WAS
THE TOP 4 BEST LOVERS
SHE’S EVER HAD.
THAT’S A TRUE STORY.
AND SHE HAD BEEN
AROUND THE BLOCK.
WOULD YOU WANT TO WATCH ME…
PLAY WITH MYSELF?
WHOA!
GOOD-BYE!
[SHOUTING AND MOANING]
COME ON, LET’S GO.
OH!
[WEAPON CLICKS]
BRACE YOURSELF, FOOL.
YOU BEST BE GETTING
OUT OF THAT MACH 5
OR I’M-A TOE-TAG
YOUR ASS.
[BOTH GRUNT]
UHH!
[CHUCKLES]
YOU KNOW,
THEY SAY THAT
THE FIRST KILL
IS SUPPOSED TO BE
QUITE DIFFICULT…
BUT I FIND IT EASY.
IN FACT, RATHER FUN.
TAKE IT!
DO IT!
[GRUNTING]
LOOK, MA, NO EYES!
I DIDN’T HAVE A MOTHER!
[DISTANT CHURCH BELL RINGING]
THAT WAS BETTER
THAN SEX WITH A CAMEL.
[GRUNTS]
HEE HEE!
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHITTERING]
[GASPS]
WHAT?
WE’RE JUST PLAYING
WITH MY MONKEY.
[CHUCKLES]
HEE, HEE!
OWW!
LET’S ROLL.
[ENGINE REVS]
[SCREAMS AND LAUGHS]
OH, MY.
WHOO-HOO!
WHOO-HOO!
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
[ENGINE KNOCKS]
GO ON.
Will: COME ON!
RUN!
[EXPLOSION]
AAH!
WHOA.
WE GOT TO KEEP GOING.
OK.
OHH! THESE GLASS SLIPPERS
ARE AWFULLY HARD TO RUN IN.
OH.
OW! OW! OW!
OW! OW! OW!
HELP. HELP!
AMY!
YOU CAME BACK
FOR ME.
I LOVE YOU, AMY.
I KNOW.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
NOW GET
THIS FREAKIN’ SPEAR
OUT OF MY SHOULDER.
OW. OW. OH!
OK. OK.
OW, IT HURTS.
OK. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
SHE’S, UH–SHE’S PINNED
THROUGH TO THE FLOOR, GUYS.
THIS ISN’T GOING
TO BE EASY.
CALVIN, I’M GONNA
NEED YOUR HELP.
RIGHT.
[GRUNTS]
UHH!
OH!
[MOANS]
WHAT THE HELL
WAS THAT FOR?
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO KNOCK HER UNCONSCIOUS
SO SHE WOULDN’T FEEL
ANY PAIN.
[AMY GROANING]
GOOD THINKING.
BABY, THIS IS
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
[GASPS]
[GRUNTS]
[COUGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[PRINCESS YELPS]
OHH…
MAN,
YOU HIT
LIKE A PUSSY.
LET ME TRY.
[GRUNTING]
MAN, THIS GIRL
CAN TAKE A HIT.
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
OWW!
[GASPS]
WHY? OWW!
AH…
IT’S NOT WORKING.
LET’S JUST PULL IT
OUT OF HER.
ON THE COUNT OF 3.
1, 2, 3!
[GRUNTING]
[AMY GROANS]
GOOD JOB! YAY!
[GRUNTS]
[PANTING]
[GIGGLES]
OHH! OH!
[RUMBLING]
WE GOT TO GET
OUT OF HERE.
THIS PLACE GOING
TO COLLAPSE ON US.
NO.
NOT UNTIL WE RETURN…
[SQUISH]
THIS…
BACK TO THE ALTAR.
[GASPS]
A MAGIC BONG!
THE CRYSTAL SKULL,
THE ONE FROM MY DREAMS.
NOW, LEGEND HAS IT THAT
IF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
IS MISSING
FROM THE ALTAR,
IT’S THE END
OF THE WORLD.
EARTHQUAKES. ASTEROIDS.
RETURN OF
THE SPICE GIRLS.
YES!
THE APOCALYPSE.
AND YOU KNOW
ALL THIS SHIT
BECAUSE YOU THE DOCENT
AT THE MUSEUM?
NO, BECAUSE I SAW
INDIANA JONES
AND THE KINGDOM OF
THE CRYSTAL SKULL.
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS?
ME DREAMING
ABOUT THE SKULL
AND YOU KNOWING
ABOUT THE SKULL?
WE WERE DESTINED
TO BE TOGETHER?
NO. THAT WE BOTH
REALLY LOVE SKULLS.
BUT THAT, TOO.
[CRASH]
[ALL SCREAM]
WILL, WE GOT
TO GET OUT OF HERE.
IT’S ALMOST 9:00.
IF WE DON’T MAKE IT TO
THEM EVACUATION BUSES,
WE’RE GOING TO DIE.
[SQUEALS]
GO, CALVIN.
I’M STAYING HERE
WITH AMY.
WE’RE RETURNING THE SKULL
TO THE ALTAR.
SEE YA.
NICE MEETING YOU.
LET’S FIND THAT ALTAR.
[WIND HOWLING]
[GLASS SHATTERS
AND BUILDING RUMBLES]
[GASPS]
[DISTANT ROARING]
[METALLIC FOOTSTEPS]
[DISTANT ROAR]
[DISTANT ELEPHANT
TRUMPETS]
WHAT’S HAPPENING?
EVERYTHING IN THE MUSEUM
IS COMING TO LIFE!
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
HELL…
NO!
[SCREECHES]
BULLY! BULLY!
YES! [LAUGHS]
NO!
[GASPS]
LET’S GET THE HELL
UP OUT OF HERE!
DRUGS ARE GREAT!
GO! [GRUNTS]
WHOA!
THE ALTAR TO
THE CRYSTAL SKULL
IS THIS WAY.
OK.
I AM BEOWULF!
[CLEARS THROAT]
HELLO.
WHAT?
I AM BEOWULF.
UM, CAN YOU PUT
SOME CLOTHES ON?
I AM BEOWULF.
I FOUGHT
THE MONSTER GRENDEL
WITH NO ARMOR,
AND THAT IS HOW
I WILL FIGHT YOU.
WAIT.
YOU FIGHT NAKED?
I AM BEOWULF.
THAT’S KIND OF GAY,
BRO.
IT’S NOT–
IT’S NOT GAY. IT’S–
NO, I’M SORRY.
THAT’S–THAT’S GAY.
[CHUCKLES]
IT’S NOT GAY.
IT’S NOT.
IT’S HOW WE DO IT
IN 507.
DICK.
NO, A-ASK ANYBODY.
ALL RIGHT, I WILL.
JUST–
I’LL ASK MY FRIEND PAUL.
WE’RE GOING BOATING
TOMORROW.
I’LL ASK HIM
WHEN WE’RE OUT
IN THE SEAS.
PAUL?
MY FRIEND PAUL.
HE’S MY PARTNER.
HE’S MY FRIEND.
WE’RE ALSO PARTNERS.
HMM.
LIFE PARTNER?
NO. BUSINESS PARTNERS.
WE OPENED
AN ANTIQUE SHOP
TOGETHER.
THAT’S GAY.
WHY IS THAT GAY?
WHY ARE ANTIQUES GAY?
‘CAUSE I LIKE OLD THINGS
THAT ARE KITSCHY?
I’M BEOWULF!
[PANTING]
Man: EXCUSE ME?
OH! OH!
ARE YOU READY TO GET
YOUR ASS KICKED?
OH!
[GRUNTS]
OHH!
OOH.
[LAUGHS]
OH, HELL, NO,
KUNG FU PANDA.
OOH, YOU SHOULDN’T
HAVE DONE THAT.
[SCREECHING
AND INDISTINCT CHATTER]
GET READY TO FEEL
THE THUNDER!
[GRUNTING]
WHAAA!
[INDISTINCT GRUNTING
AND SCREECHING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[LAUGHS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
SKADOOSH.
YOUR GIRL LOOKS
FAMILIAR, MAN.
LAST YEAR I PAID HER
20 BUCKS FOR 20 MINUTES,
IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.
IT’S TRUE.
AND A CURIOUS FACTOID–
PANDAS ACTUALLY HAVE
3 DESCENDING TESTICLES.
THAT’S IT!
[SCREECHES]
[GRUNTING]
[BOTH SHOUTING
AND GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
YAAH!
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
OH, SHIT!
[BOTH GRUNT]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
OHH.
[GASPS]
HOORAY!
OH, A WONDERFUL JOB!
OH!
♪ MY DEAR PRINCE… ♪
YOU HAVE DEFENDED
MY HONOR.
KISS ME, BABY.
[EXHALES]
[MOANING]
[GROANING]
[GRUNTS]
YOU A DUDE?
I’M A TRANNIE.
I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.
EWW. NO!
[LAUGHS]
[SCREAMS]
HOLY SHIT!
[BOTH GRUNT]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
GET HIM, WILL.
OHH!
I AM BEOWULF.
YEAH,
I KNOW ALREADY.
SURRENDER SO WE CAN
GO GET BRUNCH.
AND I GOT US TICKETS
TO JERSEY BOYS.
OHH! NO!
UHH!
UHH!
WE CAN GO BACK
TO MY PLACE.
I TIVOed DANCING
WITH THE STARS:
RESULTS SHOW.
[GROWLS]
NO! BEOWULF!
I WANT TO TAKE YOU
ON ROSIE O’DONNELL’S
CRUISE–
JUST ME, YOU,
AND MY DEAR FRIEND
GEORGE TAKEI.
SCREW THIS.
I AM…BEOWULF!
AAH!
ARGH!
BEOWULF…OUT.
OOH! HURRY,
WE’RE RUNNING
OUT OF TIME!
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
INDIANA JONES?
[RECORD SCRATCHES
AND MUSIC STOPS]
INDIANA, MY ASS.
I’LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.
THANKS, SON.
THAT’S RIGHT.
I’M YOUR FATHER.
YOU’RE MY DAD?
YOUR MOM GOT AROUND.
A REAL SLUT,
ACTUALLY.
ALL RIGHT,
I GET IT.
SHE DID THIS SPECIAL THING
WITH HER BIG TOE
AND CANDLE WAX–OOH!
OH…OK!
I’M SORRY I WALKED OUT
ON YOU AND YOUR MOTHER,
BUT I GOT
AN ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT
AND A HOT-ASS WHORE
IN EVERY MAJOR CITY.
OOH,
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
IS THIS YOUR GIRL?
YEAH.
WHAT A NICE YOUNG LADY.
AND YOU’VE GOT
SOME SHAPE ON YOU.
YEAH, BABY.
YOU’RE SO NICE. OOH.
AND YOU GOT SOME ASS
ON YOU. MMM!
DAD!
OH, SO BEAUTIFUL.
DAD!
IF A NICE ASS MEANT
A HAMBURGER, BABY,
YOU’D HAVE A WHOPPER.
OH, SHIT!
DAD!
DO YOU DO PILATES?
I’M JUST ASKING.
JUST ASKING.
DON’T DO
WHAT YOUR OLD MAN DID.
SETTLE DOWN.
HELL, I GOT GONORRHEA
SO MANY TIME,
MY JOHNSON LOOK LIKE
A MELTED BABY RUTH.
EEW…
HELL, IN THE SEVENTIES,
MY NICKNAME WAS CHLAMYDIA JONES.
GOD.
THERE IS
NO CURE FOR HERPES,
AND I BULLSHIT YOU NOT.
[SIGHS]
THANKS, DAD.
[RUMBLING]
OHH!
THIS LOOKS EASY.
NOT AS EASY
AS IT USED TO BE.
[BONES CRACK]
OH, SHIT, MY HIP!
HA!
Amy: OH!
YOU KNOW I GOT TO GET
MY HUSTLE ON.
BYE, DAD.
WHOA!
I’M GONNA MAKE IT!
OH, SHIT.
OH, SHIT. OH, SHIT.
OOH, SHIT! OW!
[GASPS]
SHIT! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
AAH!
OHH…
WHY DON’T YOU
JUST WALK TO THE ALTAR?
IT’S, LIKE,
10 FEET AWAY.
SILLY GIRL.
HUH!
OOH!
OW.
NO, DON’T CRY.
I’LL BE FINE.
[CREAKING]
[RUMBLING]
WHOA…
OH, OH…
[RUMBLING STOPS]
ALISSA MILANIKAY.
ALISSA MILANIKAY.
I AM THE GURU SHITKA,
AND WE ARE HERE TODAY
TO BRING TOGETHER
AMY AND WILL
IN A UNION OF
PEACE AND HAPPINESS.
AND TO POINT OUT,
GEE, AMY,
YOU ARE TOTALLY HOT.
[CHUCKLES] TM.
[INHALES]
AMY, DO YOU TAKE WILL TO BE
YOUR PEANUT BUTTER
AND JELLY
THAT GOES INTO
YOUR LOVE BELLY?
I DO.
AND, WILL, DO YOU TAKE AMY
TO BE YOUR DOUGHNUT OF LOVE
THAT YOU’LL FILL
WITH CREAM EVERY DAY?
I DO.
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
GIVE IT A POUND.
LOCK IT DOWN.
BREAK THE PICKLE.
NOW, TICKLE MY PICKLE.
[ZIPPER]
[CHEERING]
I LOVE YOU, WILL.
I LOVE YOU TOO, AMY.
BUT…
THERE’S SOMETHING
I SHOULD TELL YOU.
WHAT IS IT?
[PLAYING]
♪ I’M FUCKING MATT DAMON ♪
YOU’RE FUCKING
MATT DAMON?
♪ WELL, I’M FUCKING
HANNAH MONTANA ♪
♪ SHE’S FUCKING
HANNAH MONTANA ♪
♪ BACKSTAGE
AT MY CONCERT ♪
♪ FUCKED ME
ON MY PARENTS’ BED ♪
♪ AFTER SCHOOL,
AT MY LOCKER ♪
♪ IN THE CAR,
I GIVE HER HEAD ♪
♪ I’M ALSO FUCKIN’
THE FLAVA ♪
♪ YEAH, BOY,
SHE’S FUCKIN’
FLAVA FLAV, FOOL ♪
♪ YOU KNOW
WHAT TIME IT IS ♪
♪ BECAUSE I’M
FUCKING JUNEY, TOO ♪
[GROWLS]
♪ YEAH, I KNOW,
BUT IT’S TRUE ♪
♪ FLAVA FLAV,
HE FUCKS ME, TOO ♪
♪ AND I SWAP
WITH CALVIN ♪
♪ AND HE SWAPS
WITH THAT DUDE ♪
All: ♪ AND WE’RE ALL FUCKING
HELLBOY ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ THEY’RE FUCKING
HELLBOY ♪
♪ AND I’M FUCKING
THE HULK ♪
♪ WHEN I GET REALLY MAD,
I START FUCKING IRON MAN ♪
♪ A MOST UNCOMFORTABLE
SCREW ♪
♪ BUT I FUCK
THE PRINCESS, TOO ♪
DING-DONG.
♪ WHO’S THAT RINGING
ON MY BELL? ♪
♪ THE BITCH
WHO’S FUCKING
IRON MAN ♪
♪ THAT’S
I-R-O-N M-A-N ♪
♪ AND I FUCK HIM
IN THE MOUTH ♪
♪ THAT’S FUCKING GREAT ♪
♪ BECAUSE
I’M FUCKING WOLF ♪
AWOOO!
♪ HE’S FUCKING WOLF,
AIN’T THAT A PITY ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE I’M FUCKING
THOSE BITCHES FROM
SEX AND THE CITY ♪
AWOOO!
♪ HE FUCKS
THE SEX AND
THE CITY GALS ♪
♪ SO I WONDERED ♪
♪ WOULD WOLF
REALLY GET JEALOUS ♪
♪ IF HE KNEW
WE WERE FUCKING ♪
♪ THAT GUY WITH
THE BIG UTILITY BELT? ♪
♪ THEY’RE ALL FUCKING
BATMAN ♪
♪ AT WAYNE MANOR
IN THE BAT CAVE ♪
♪ BUTLER ALFRED IS
OUR LOVE SLAVE ♪
♪ RIDDLE ME THIS,
HOLY BATH HOUSE ♪
♪ I’M ALSO FUCKING
AMY WINEHOUSE? ♪
♪ HE’S FUCKING
AMY WINEHOUSE ♪
♪ YEAH, ON THE DOWN LOW,
LOW, LOW ♪
♪ AND I’M FUCKING
JESSICA SIMPSON ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE I’M ALL BELOW,
BELOW, BELOW ♪
♪ SHE’S FUCKING
JESSICA SIMPSON,
OH, YEAH ♪
♪ AND I THINK
I MIGHT HAVE FUCKED
THAT HOT ASSASSIN ♪
♪ EVERYONE FUCKS ME ♪
♪ AND I FUCK THEM BACK,
YOU SEE ♪
♪ AND THE MEXICAN, TOO ♪
♪ WITH
THE TRAGIC HAIRDO ♪
CALL IT. HEADS.
I’M FUCKING J.T.
♪ I’M FUCKING
THAT MALE MODEL ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE HE’S SO FINE ♪
♪ AND I LIKE TO GET UP
IN THEM CALVIN KLEINS ♪
♪ IT’S TRUE,
J.T. FUCKED MY ASS AGAIN ♪
♪ BUT I’M ALSO FUCKING
PRINCE CASPIAN ♪
♪ I AM HANDSOME
AND I AM COOL ♪
♪ THAT’S WHY THIS PRINCE ♪
♪ FUCKS THE KIDS
FROM HIGH SCHOOL ♪
All: YEAH!
WHOO!
COME ON!
LET’S HEAR IT!
NOW’S THE TIME TO PARTY!
LET ME HEAR YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.
YEAH!
NO, WHAT TIME IS IT?
IT’S TIME TO GET FUCKED.
FUCK ME!
NO, FUCK ME.
FUCK ME.
All: ♪ HE FUCKS ALL US KIDS
IN HIGH SCHOOL ♪
♪ UNDER THE BLEACHERS,
IN THE SHOWERS ♪
♪ WHILE WE’RE CHANGING
FOR GYM CLASS ♪
♪ I’M FUCKING OPRAH ♪
♪ I’M FUCKING OBAMA ♪
♪ I’M FUCKING
INDIANA’S ASS ♪
♪ SHE’S FUCKING INDIANA
AND I’M FUCKING HANCOCK ♪
♪ HE’S FUCKING HANCOCK
AND I’M FUCKING BEOWULF ♪
♪ YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT ♪
♪ AND I’M FUCKING
KUNG FU PANDA ♪
♪ AND I’M FUCKING
MICHAEL JACKSON ♪
♪ WHOO-HOO,
DON’T JUDGE ME ♪
♪ I LOVE MY ANIMALS,
YOU SEE ♪
All: ♪ OH, YEAH,
HE’S FUCKING THE CHIPMUNKS ♪
♪ SAD TO SAY,
BUT IT’S TRUE ♪
♪ HE FUCKS THE CHIPMUNKS,
YEAH, OOH ♪
[MOO]
[SONG PLAYS]
♪ GOIN’ FOR THE TRUTH ♪
♪ HAVING SO MUCH FUN… ♪
♪ THE PERFECT DAY ♪
♪ THE BREEZE IS BLOWIN’,
BRIGHT AND SUNNY ♪
♪ SHOPPIN’ ALL DAY,
SPENDIN’ ALL MY MONEY ♪
♪ I GOT MY GIRLS,
GOT MY MANS ♪
♪ AND THEY HOLD ME DOWN ♪
♪ FEELS GOOD TO ME ♪
♪ CRACKIN’ LIKE
IT’S SUPPOSED TO ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ THEN DON’T BE SHY ♪
♪ AND GRAB
THE FINEST THING
YOU CLOSE TO ♪
♪ IF YOU WANT TO
GET IT CRACKIN’ LIKE
IT’S SUPPOSED TO ♪
♪ THEN DON’T BE SHY ♪
♪ AND GRAB
THE FINEST THING
YOU CLOSE TO ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ ROCK THE STEREO ♪
♪ CD OR RADIO ♪
♪ THIS IS… ♪
♪ WHAT’S THE DEALIO? ♪
♪ DANCE, DANCE ♪
♪ DANCE, DANCE ♪
♪ HERE WE,
HERE WE GO ♪
♪ HERE WE,
HERE WE GO ♪
♪ SO PLEASE
DON’T ASK ME WHY ♪
♪ JUST PUT
YOUR HANDS UP HIGH ♪
♪ SEE IF YOU
CAN TOUCH THE SKY ♪
♪ WHY DON’T YOU AND I ♪
♪ DANCE, DANCE ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ DANCE ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ DANCE ♪
♪ COME ON, HERE WE,
HERE WE GO ♪
♪ HERE WE,
HERE WE GO ♪
[VOCALIZING]
♪ OH, HOW THE BASS
WARMIN’ UP MY BODY ♪
♪ I’M GONNA HITCH UP
AND SAY ♪
♪ WE STILL GOTTA
BREAK THEM EGGS ♪
♪ I LIKE A VAY-CAY ♪
♪ BACK TO THE VALLEY
OF SUNSHINE… ♪
♪ AIN’T YOU FEELIN’
THE VIBE? ♪
♪ I HEAR IT’S INSANE ♪
[INDISTINCT]
♪ WHO DOIN’ MY THING ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ UP AND DOWN
THE COAST ♪
♪ FEEL THE WIND BLOW
THROUGH OUR HAIR ♪
♪ AND MAYBE A LITTLE BIT
OF SKINNY-DIPPIN’ ♪
♪ LOSE THE UNDERWEAR ♪
♪ CRACKIN’ LIKE
IT’S SUPPOSED TO ♪
♪ THEN DON’T BE SHY ♪
♪ AND GRAB
THE FINEST THING
YOU CLOSE TO ♪
♪ SO, IF YOU WANT TO
GET IT CRACKIN’ LIKE
IT’S SUPPOSED TO ♪
♪ THEN DON’T BE SHY ♪
♪ AND GRAB
THE FINEST THING
YOU CLOSE TO ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ ROCK THE STEREO ♪
♪ CD OR RADIO ♪
♪ THIS IS THE SCENARIO ♪
♪ BABY, WHAT’S
THE DEALIO? ♪
♪ DANCE, DANCE ♪
♪ DANCE,
DANCE ♪
♪ HERE WE,
HERE WE GO ♪
♪ HERE WE,
HERE WE GO ♪
♪ SO PLEASE
DON’T ASK ME WHY ♪
♪ JUST PUT
YOUR HANDS UP HIGH ♪
♪ SEE IF YOU CAN
TOUCH THE SKY ♪
♪ WHY DON’T YOU AND I ♪
♪ DANCE, DANCE ♪
♪ DANCE,
DANCE ♪
♪ HERE WE,
HERE WE GO ♪
♪ HERE WE,
HERE WE GO ♪
[VOCALIZING]
[NEW SONG BEGINS]
♪ NOW, HERE I GO AGAIN
LOOKIN’ FOR LOVE ♪
♪ I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED
MY LESSON ♪
♪ MESSIN’ WITH THEM GIRLS
IN THE CLUB… ♪
AWOOO!
YOU JUST GOT WOLFED.
THAT’S A LITTLE MOVE
I LEARNED IN JAIL.
YEAH, I WAS IN JAIL.
WOLF WROTE
SOME BAD CHECKS IN ’95.
LEFT FOOT YELLOW.
OH, THAT’S RIGHT,
I FALL.
I AM BEOWULF.
[SNORTS]
[LAUGHTER]
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I’M SORRY!
OHH.
THIS IS MY JAM.
OH, OK.
GET ON IT.
I AM BEOWULF!
I’M THE STRONGEST MAN
IN 7 KINGDOMS.
LET MYSELF GO
A LITTLE BIT.
JUST GOT
A LITTLE BIT FLABBY.
I WENT ON
THAT ZONE DIET,
BUT I WOULD EAT, LIKE,
A WHOLE WEEK’S WORTH
OF MEALS
IN, LIKE, 2 DAYS
AND THEN BE BACK
TO SQUARE ONE.
AND IF YOU’VE GOT CRACK
ANYWHERE–
I DON’T CARE
WHERE IT COMES FROM.
IF IT’S IN YOUR CRACK,
IF THE CRACK’S
IN YOUR CRACK…
[LAUGHING]
IF THE CRACK’S
IN YOUR CRACK.
OH, THAT’S RICH.
YOU EVER BEEN WITH
A, UH, BALD DOCTOR BEFORE?
NO.
[LAUGHS]
WE GIVE BETTER–
[GROANS]
[GUNSHOT]
[GRUNTS]
DO I LOOK LIKE
HARRISON FORD TO YOU?
HE YOUR PIMP?
OH, GOOD HEAVENS, YES.
UM…[GIGGLES]
OH, WHAT TO DO?
YES, I’VE GOT IT.
YOU CAN BE
MY PRINCE OF LIGHT,
AND YOU CAN BE
MY PRINCE OF DARKNESS.
YES. NO?
[LAUGHS]
NO.
OK.
LEFT FOOT YELLOW.
UHH!
OH, LOOK AT THIS ONION.
OOH, BABY.
HOW DID YOU GET IT
TURNIN’ AROUND?
YOU SHOULD BE WITH ME.
ALSO, WHEN I MAKE LOVE
TO A GIRL,
SHE’S ALSO BEEN WOLFED.
I DON’T HIT HER
WITH A STICK,
I JUST…HAVE SEX WITH HER.
OR HIM.
DOESN’T MATTER.
WOLF GOES BOTH WAYS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?
I GOT US TICKETS TO MADONNA’S
REUNION SHOW,
AND THEN I WANT
TO KISS YOUR SWEET FACE.
NO!
PPHHT.
TAKE IT FROM
THE TOP AGAIN.
[INDISTINCT]
DON’T HIT HER SO HARD.
JUST HIT HER
REALLY LIGHTLY. OK?
[LAUGHING]
Matt Lanter:
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
[INDISTINCT]
[LAUGHS]
IT’S ALL VERY FUNNY.
[LAUGHTER]
CUT!
OH, IS MY BLAKE
INCARCERATED?
HI, BLAKEY.
HOW ARE YOU?
I LOVE YOU.
HE DID NOT KILL
THOSE 3 PROSTITUTES.
THEY WERE ALREADY DEAD
WHEN HE GOT TO THEM.
I’M SWEARING TO GOD.
LOOK, I HAVE
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I’M NOT REALLY A BANKER,
AS MY VOICE CRACKS.
LOOK, I HAVE SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU.
I’M NOT REALLY A BANKER.
I’M A JUMPER.
I CAN TELEPORT
THROUGH SPACE AND TIME.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT IS IT AGAIN?
Man: TIME AND SPACE.
TIME AND SPACE.
LOOK, I HAVE SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU.
I’M NOT REALLY A BANKER.
I’M A JUMPER.
Vanessa Minnillo:
A WHAT?
I CAN TELEPORT
THROUGH TIME–[SIGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
HA HA! YOU’RE A TALKING PANDA.
COME BACK TO MY MAGICAL KINGDOM
AND I’LL SHOW YOU
MY TALKING BEAVER. HEE HEE.
IT JUST KEEPS COMING.
KNOCK KNOCK.
WHO’S THERE?
MILK IN YOUR MOUTH?
[SPUTTERING]
Nicole Parker:
♪ BABY… ♪
♪ OHH OHH– ♪
HEY, IS MY SINGING STICK ON?
IS–IT IS ON?
IS THE SINGING STICK ON?
♪ HUH HA ♪
♪ HA HO ♪
YOU KNOW,
EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW
WHERE I GOT MY–AWOO!
IT ALL STARTED ONE NIGHT
WHEN I WAS CRYING
IN MY TRUCK.
[GROWLS] YEAH!
I AIN’T CRYIN’
NO MORE, MAN–
14th-HIGHEST-RATED SHOW
ON TV.
I GOT A TIMESHARE
IN KEY WEST. UHH!
♪ OH, BABY,
I MAKE SHOES ♪
♪ AND THESE ARE
MY BOOBS, OHH ♪
I WANT YOU TO SEE ME
IN MY BIRTHDAY SUIT.
I WANT YOU TO WATCH ME
TAKE A BUBBLE BATH.
I’M GOING TO PLAY AROUND
WITH THE BUBBLES
AND MAKE A LITTLE BEARD,
PRETEND I’M SANTA CLAUS.
OH. OHH! YEAH!
OH, SON,
I’M LOVING THIS.
OHH.
HANG ON A BIT.
YOU’RE A BIT OF STUFF,
AREN’T YOU?
LOOK AT YOU.
WHAT YOU PACKIN’
UNDER THERE, HUH?
WHAT ARE YOU HIDING UNDER THAT?
I CAN SEE A SAUSAGE
AND BISCUITS.
[GIGGLES]
I LOVE SAUSAGE AND BISCUITS.
[INDISTINCT RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
HOORAY! WONDERFUL!
BOO! [GIGGLES]
I’D LIKE TO GET YOU NAKED
AND ANALYZE YOU.
[GUNSHOT]
OH…
[GASPS]
DO YOU LIKE THIS SHIRT?
I TOTALLY MADE IT MYSELF.
WELL, IT’S BECAUSE
I RIPPED IT.
WELL, ACTUALLY,
IT’S BECAUSE I BURNED IT.
I WAS LEANING OVER
MY BIRTHDAY CANDLES,
AND I WAS GOING
TO BLOW THEM OUT
AND MAKE A WISH,
AND INSTEAD,
MY SHIRT CAUGHT ON FIRE.
[GIGGLES]
SON, IF YOU GO BACK
FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
YOU HAVE ZERO CHANCE
OF SURVIVAL.
I’LL TAKE THAT CHANCE–
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
DO YOU HEAR
THAT TRAIN?
[INDISTINCT
CHATTER]
SON, IF YOU GO BACK
FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
YOU HAVE ZERO CHANCE
OF SURVIVAL.
I’LL TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
DID YOU HEAR
THAT TRAIN AGAIN?
YOU HEARD THAT AGAIN
THAT SECOND TIME?
[CLEARS THROAT]
SON, IF YOU GO BACK
FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
YOU HAVE ZERO CHANCE
OF SURVIVAL.
I’LL TAKE THAT–
[LAUGHS]
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
TRAIN.
I KNEW IT WAS COMING, TOO.
YEAH.
[INDISTINCT
CHATTER]
NO, NO. TAKE A…
[CLEARS THROAT]
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
MMM.
[WOMAN LAUGHS]
COUPLE MORE?
YOU’RE HOT.
ARE THOSE THINGS REAL?
[GUNSHOT]
OHH!
HEY, EVERYBODY.
BE SURE TO REMEMBER
TO ALWAYS USE PROACTIV.
IT HELPED ME.
♪ IT HELPED MY SKIN ♪
♪ IT HELPED MY SKIN ♪
♪ IT HELPED MY SKIN ♪
♪ IT HELPED MY SKIN ♪
♪ BABY ♪
IT HELPED ME.
I USED TO HAVE IT
ALL AROUND
THIS PART OF MY FACE
AND ALL AROUND
MY TALKING HOLE, AND–
AND THEN OUT OF THIS SQUISHY
PART RIGHT HERE.
I HAD IT EVERYWHERE,
AND NOW IT’S GONE.
THERE’S A MEDICAL TERM
FOR WHAT YOU DO TO ME.
HOR-NY.
OHH!
[GUNSHOT]
♪ DAMN, I MIGHT BE SLOW
AND YOU MIGHT BE BIG ♪
♪ SAYS NOTHIN’ AT ALL
‘BOUT HOW I LIVE ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE ALL THE LADIES GO CRAZY
AND THIS I KNOW ♪
♪ YOU COULD PASS RIGHT PAST
AND STILL BE SLOW ♪
♪ YOU CAN HAVE A LOT
BUT STILL MEAN A LITTLE ♪
♪ CAN’T BE STOPPED,
HEART’S BIG IN THE MIDDLE ♪
♪ PLAY IT IN THE GAME,
IT DON’T MAKE A NAME ♪
♪ DON’T MIND ME,
I’M JUST DOIN’ MY THING ♪
♪ NOW, AIN’T NO CAR GOING
TO TURN ME INTO ♪
♪ NO FAKE SUPERSTAR ♪
♪ I JUST WANT TO HAVE FRIENDS,
YOU KNOW? ♪
♪ CHILLIN’ IN THE CUT,
COUPLE NICE GIRLS ♪
♪ FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD
WITH AN ONION FOR A BUTT ♪
♪ JUST THE WAY I FEEL,
DON’T JUDGE ME ♪
♪ EVERY BOOK AND WITH THE COVER
OF IT HAPPENS TO BE ♪
♪ MAMA SAID STAND TALL,
NEVER LET ‘EM SEE YOU SWEAT ♪
♪ GET UP WHEN YOU FALL
AND ALWAYS GET YOUR FEET WET ♪
♪ WORDS TO THINK ABOUT,
TO LIVE BY ♪
♪ SPEND A FEW DOLLARS,
POP COLLARS WHEN I GET FLY ♪
♪ SMALL THINGS HAVE
BIG SURPRISES ♪
♪ PLAYA ASKS A GIRL
HOW SHE REALIZES ♪
♪ AND I MIGHT BE SLOW,
AND YOU MIGHT BE BIG ♪
♪ SAYS NOTHIN’ AT ALL
‘BOUT HOW I LIVE ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE ALL THE LADIES GO CRAZY
AND THIS I KNOW ♪
♪ YOU COULD PASS RIGHT PAST
AND STILL BE SLOW ♪
♪ YOU CAN HAVE A LOT
BUT STILL MEAN A LITTLE ♪
♪ CAN’T BE STOPPED,
HEART’S BIG IN THE MIDDLE ♪
♪ PLAY IT IN THE GAME,
IT DON’T MAKE A NAME ♪
♪ DON’T MIND ME,
I’M JUST DOIN’ MY THING ♪
[SONG FADES OUT]
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
–www.ncicap.org–

My hot mom says this plugin is astonishing!! DISASTER MOVIE follows the comic misadventures of three buxom non-brainiacs during one fateful night as they try to make they way to safety while every known natural disaster and catastrophic event hits the city. This twisted send-up from the filmmaking team behind Date Movie, Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans pulverizes everyone’s favorite disaster flicks, pop culture icons and public figures with raunchy and outrageous humor.