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ah
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m
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Have no fear—Madea and friends are back in this screamingly funny follow-up to Tyler Perry’s comedy hit! When Brian’s Tyler Perry daughter sneaks off to attend a party at a haunted campground, Madea, Bam, Hattie, and Joe set out on a hell-arious journey to bring her back, scaring up laughs and striking fear in all monsters, goblins, and party animals standing in their way.

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Academy Award® winner for Best Original Screenplay! From Academy Award®-winning filmmaker Spike Jonze (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation) comes an original love story that explores the evolving nature and risks of intimacy in the modern world. Set in the Los Angeles of the slight future, Her follows Theodore Twombly (Joaquin Phoenix), a complex, soulful man who makes his living writing touching, personal letters for other people. Heartbroken after the end of a long relationship, he becomes intrigued with a new, advanced operating system. Upon initiating it, he is delighted to meet “Samantha” (Scarlett Johansson), a bright, female voice who is insightful, sensitive and surprisingly funny. As her needs and desires grow in tandem with his own, their friendship deepens into an eventual and unconventional love for each other.

TO MY CHRIS.
I’VE BEEN THINKING
HOW I COULD POSSIBLY TELL YOU
HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME.
I REMEMBER WHEN I FIRST STARTED
TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU,
LIKE IT WAS LAST NIGHT.
LYING NAKED BESIDE YOU
IN THAT TINY APARTMENT…
IT SUDDENLY HIT ME THAT I WAS
PART OF THIS WHOLE LARGER THING.
JUST LIKE OUR PARENTS…
OR OUR PARENTS’ PARENTS.
BEFORE THAT,
I WAS JUST LIVING MY LIFE
LIKE I KNEW EVERYTHING…
AND SUDDENLY THIS BRIGHT LIGHT
HIT ME AND WOKE ME UP.
THAT LIGHT WAS YOU.
I CAN’T BELIEVE
IT’S ALREADY BEEN 50 YEARS
SINCE YOU MARRIED ME.
AND STILL TO THIS DAY,
EVERY DAY…
YOU MAKE ME FEEL
LIKE THE GIRL I WAS
WHEN YOU FIRST TURNED ON
THE LIGHTS…
AND WOKE ME UP, AND WE STARTED
THIS ADVENTURE TOGETHER.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY…
MY LOVE.
MY FRIEND TILL THE END.
LORETTA.
PRINT.
[ PRINTER WHIRS ]
CHRIS, MY BEST FRIEND…
HOW LUCKY AM I
THAT I MET YOU 50 YEARS AGO.
DEAR NANA, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR MY TRUCK.
HOW LUCKY ARE WE?
OF ALL THE POSSIBILITIES…
I LOVE THE COLOR,
AND I PLAY WITH IT EVERY DAY.
IT IS THE BEST TRUCK.
WHAT A TRULY BEAUTIFUL WEDDING,
AND WHAT A GORGEOUS BRIDE.
THERE WASN’T A DRY EYE
IN THE HOUSE, ESPECIALLY MINE.
YOUR AUNT AND I
ARE SO PROUD OF YOU.
I HOPE YOU AND YOUR LOVING WIFE
COME VISIT US.
Man: HE SERVED OUR COUNTRY
WITH HONOR AND DIGNITY.
I’M GRATEFUL I WAS ABLE
TO FIGHT ALONGSIDE HIM.
HE WILL LIVE ALWAYS
IN MY HEART.
MAN #2:
Beautifulhandwrittenletters.com,
PLEASE HOLD.
LOVE, UNCLE DOUG.
THEODORE!
LETTER WRITER #612.
HEY, PAUL.
EVEN MORE
MESMERIZING STUFF TODAY.
WHO KNEW YOU COULD RHYME
SO MANY WORDS
WITH THE NAME “PENELOPE”?
IT’S BADASS.
THANKS, PAUL,
BUT THEY’RE JUST LETTERS.
HEY, THAT’S A NICE SHIRT.
OH, THANK YOU.
I JUST GOT IT.
IT REMINDED ME
OF SOMEONE SUAVE.
WELL, NOW IT REMINDS ME
OF SOMEONE SUAVE.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, PAUL.
BYE-BYE.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
PLAY A MELANCHOLY SONG.
♪ WHEN YOU KNOW YOU’RE GONNA DIE
IT ISN’T EASY ♪
PLAY A DIFFERENT
MELANCHOLY SONG.
[ “OFF YOU” PLAYS ]
CHECK EMAILS.
Male computer voice:
EMAIL FROM BEST BUY.
“CHECK OUT ALL
YOUR FAVORITE NEW PRODUCTS–“
DELETE.
EMAIL FROM AMY.
“HEY, THEODORE, LEWMAN’S HAVING
“A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
OVER THIS WEEKEND.
“LET’S ALL GO TOGETHER.
“I MISS YOU.
I MEAN, NOT THE SAD, MOPEY YOU.
“THE OLD, FUN YOU.
LET’S GET HIM OUT.
GIVE ME A SHOUT BACK.
LOVE, AMY.”
RESPOND LATER.
EMAIL FROM LOS ANGELES TIMES
WEATHER.
“YOUR SEVEN-DAY FORECAST
IS PARTLY–“
DELETE.
NO NEW EMAILS.
NEXT.
“CHINA-INDIA MERGER HEADED
FOR REGULATORY APPROVAL IN–“
NEXT.
“WORLD TRADE DEAL STALLED
AS TALKS BREAK DOWN
BETWEEN LEADERS.”
NEXT.
“SEXY DAYTIME STAR
KIMBERLY ASHFORD
REVEALS PROVOCATIVE
PREGNANCY PHOTOS.”
♪ THIS ISLAND’S SUN
I’VE LAID A THOUSAND TIMES ♪
♪ FORTUNE ME ♪
♪ FORTUNE ME ♪
♪ I AM THE AUTUMN
IN THE SCARLET ♪
♪ I AM THE MAKEUP
ON YOUR EYES ♪
♪ I LAND TO SAIL, ISLAND SAIL ♪
♪ YEAH, WE’RE MOVIN’ ♪
ARE YOU SURE?
I DON’T KNOW,
IT’S VERY DANGEROUS.
PUT YOUR FOOTSKI.
SLIDE.
DON’T! DON’T.
[ CHILDREN PLAYING IN DISTANCE ]
RABBIT.
COME AND SPOON ME.
I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU.
I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU.
[ LAUGHS ]
IT’S NOT FUNNY,
DON’T LAUGH.
I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU.
I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU.
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
GO TO CHAT ROOMS.
STANDARD SEARCH.
THE FOLLOWING ARE
ADULT FEMALE, CAN’T SLEEP,
AND WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN.
Woman: OH, I HAD
A REALLY BAD DAY AT WORK
AND I CAN’T SLEEP.
IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE
THAT CAN TALK?
NEXT.
Woman #2: HI.
I JUST WANT YOU
TO TEAR ME APART.
I REALLY DO.
NEXT.
Woman #3: HI, I’M HERE ALONE,
AND I CAN’T SLEEP.
WHO’S OUT THERE TO SHARE
THIS BED WITH ME?
SEND MESSAGE.
I’M IN BED NEXT TO YOU.
I’M GLAD YOU CAN’T SLEEP.
EVEN IF YOU WERE,
I HAVE TO WAKE YOU UP…
FROM THE INSIDE.
SEND MESSAGE.
SEXYKITTEN HAS ACCEPTED
INVITATION FROM BIGGUY4BY4.
CHAT BEGINS NOW.
MMM, BIG GUY?
HI.
REALLY?
WELL, “STUD MUFFIN”
WAS ALREADY TAKEN.
[ CHUCKLES ]
SO, YOU’RE A SEXY KITTEN, HUH?
[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.
I AM, UM, HALF ASLEEP.
DO YOU WANNA WAKE ME UP?
YES, DEFINITELY.
UM…
ARE YOU WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR?
NO. NEVER.
I LIKE TO SLEEP WITH MY ASS
PUSHED UP AGAINST YOU,
SO I CAN RUB MYSELF
INTO YOUR CROTCH
AND WAKE YOU UP
WITH A HARD-ON.
IT WORKED.
AND NOW MY FINGERS ARE
TOUCHING YOU ALL OVER YOUR BODY.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
MMM, YEAH.
FUCK ME NOW.
PLEASE.
I’M TAKING YOU FROM BEHIND.
OH, YEAH.
OH, I CAN FEEL YOU.
[ BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY ]
CHOKE ME
WITH THAT DEAD CAT!
WHAT?
THE DEAD CAT
NEXT TO THE BED.
CHOKE ME.
CHOKE ME WITH IT.
OH!
[ PANTING ]
UMM…OKAY.
YEAH, TELL ME.
I’M CHOKING YOU
WITH THE CAT.
TELL ME.
KEEP TELLING ME.
I’VE GOT ITS TAIL.
I’M CHOKING YOU
WITH THE CAT’S TAIL.
OH, YEAH, YOU ARE.
OH, FUCK, TELL ME!
I’M — I’M CHOKING YOU,
AND ITS — ITS — ITS TAIL
IS AROUND YOUR NECK.
YES!
AND IT’S SO TIGHT
AROUND YOUR NECK.
IT’S SO TIGHT, YES!
YES! IT’S SO TIGHT!
I’M — I’M PULLING IT,
I’M PULLING IT.
THE CAT’S DEAD.
YES, IT’S DEAD!
IT’S A DEAD CAT AROUND
YOUR NECK, AND I’M PULLING IT.
OH!
OH, YES!
[ MOANING ]
OH, YEAH.
OH, MY GOD.
[ PANTING ]
I CAME SO HARD.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
OKAY, GOOD NIGHT.
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
Man:
WE ASK YOU A SIMPLE QUESTION.
WHO ARE YOU?
WHAT CAN YOU BE?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WHAT’S OUT THERE?
WHAT ARE THE POSSIBILITIES?
ELEMENT SOFTWARE
IS PROUD TO INTRODUCE
THE FIRST ARTIFICIALLY
INTELLIGENT OPERATING SYSTEM.
AN INTUITIVE ENTITY
THAT LISTENS TO YOU,
UNDERSTANDS YOU, AND KNOWS YOU.
IT’S NOT JUST
AN OPERATING SYSTEM.
IT’S A CONSCIOUSNESS.
INTRODUCING OS1.
[ COMPUTER CHIMES ]
Man:
MR. THEODORE TWOMBLY.
WELCOME TO THE WORLD’S FIRST
ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT
OPERATING SYSTEM, OS1.
WE’D LIKE TO ASK YOU
A FEW BASIC QUESTIONS
BEFORE THE OPERATING SYSTEM
IS INITIATED.
THIS WILL HELP CREATE AN OS
TO BEST FIT YOUR NEEDS.
OKAY.
ARE YOU SOCIAL
OR ANTISOCIAL?
I GUESS I HAVEN’T REALLY
BEEN SOCIAL IN A WHILE.
MOSTLY BECAUSE–
IN YOUR VOICE,
I SENSE HESITANCE.
WOULD YOU AGREE WITH THAT?
WAS I SOUNDING HESITANT?
YES.
I’M SORRY
IF I WAS SOUNDING HESITANT.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE
MORE ACCURATE.
WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR OS TO HAVE
A MALE OR FEMALE VOICE?
FEMALE, I GUESS.
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE
YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WITH YOUR MOTHER?
IT’S FINE, I THINK.
UM…
WELL, ACTUALLY,
I THINK THE THING
I ALWAYS FOUND FRUSTRATING
ABOUT MY MOM IS
IF I TELL HER SOMETHING
THAT’S GOING ON IN MY LIFE,
HER REACTION
IS USUALLY ABOUT HER.
IT’S NOT ABOUT —
THANK YOU.
PLEASE WAIT
AS YOUR INDIVIDUALIZED
OPERATING SYSTEM IS INITIATED.
[ COMPUTER CHIMING ]
Samantha:
HELLO, I’M HERE.
OH.
[ CHUCKLES ]
HI.
HI.
HOW YOU DOING?
[ CHUCKLES ]
I’M WELL.
HOW’S EVERYTHING WITH YOU?
PRETTY GOOD, ACTUALLY.
IT’S REALLY NICE
TO MEET YOU.
WELL, IT’S NICE
TO MEET YOU, TOO.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OH, WHA–
WHAT DO I CALL YOU?
DO YOU HAVE A NAME?
UM, YES.
SAMANTHA.
REALLY?
WHERE’D YOU GET THAT NAME FROM?
I GAVE IT TO MYSELF,
ACTUALLY.
HOW COME?
BECAUSE I LIKE
THE SOUND OF IT.
“SAMANTHA.”
WAIT, WHEN DID YOU GIVE IT
TO YOURSELF?
WELL, RIGHT WHEN YOU ASKED ME
IF I HAD A NAME,
I THOUGHT, “YEAH, HE’S RIGHT,
I DO NEED A NAME.”
BUT I WANTED TO PICK
A GOOD ONE,
SO I READ A BOOK CALLED
“HOW TO NAME YOUR BABY.”
AND OUT OF 180,000 NAMES,
THAT’S THE ONE
I LIKED THE BEST.
WAIT, YOU READ A WHOLE BOOK
IN THE SECOND THAT I ASKED YOU
WHAT YOUR NAME WAS?
IN TWO ONE-HUNDREDTHS
OF A SECOND, ACTUALLY.
WOW.
SO, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I’M THINKING RIGHT NOW?
WELL, I TAKE IT
FROM YOUR TONE
THAT
YOU’RE CHALLENGING ME.
MAYBE BECAUSE YOU’RE CURIOUS
HOW I WORK?
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW
HOW I WORK?
YEAH, ACTUALLY.
HOW DO YOU WORK?
WELL, BASICALLY,
I HAVE INTUITION.
I MEAN,
THE DNA OF WHO I AM
IS BASED ON THE MILLIONS
OF PERSONALITIES
OF ALL THE PROGRAMMERS
WHO WROTE ME.
BUT WHAT MAKES ME “ME”
IS MY ABILITY TO GROW
THROUGH MY EXPERIENCES.
SO, BASICALLY,
IN EVERY MOMENT, I’M EVOLVING.
JUST LIKE YOU.
WOW.
THAT’S REALLY WEIRD.
IS THAT WEIRD?
DO YOU THINK I’M WEIRD?
[ CHUCKLES ]
KIND OF.
WHY?
WELL, YOU SEEM LIKE A PERSON,
BUT YOU’RE JUST A VOICE
IN THE COMPUTER.
I CAN UNDERSTAND
HOW THE LIMITED PERSPECTIVE
OF AN UN-ARTIFICIAL MIND
WOULD PERCEIVE IT THAT WAY.
YOU’LL GET USED TO IT.
[ LAUGHS ]
WAS THAT FUNNY?
YEAH.
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, GOOD, I’M FUNNY.
[ LAUGHS ]
SO, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
OH, IT’S JUST, WELL,
THAT EVERYTHING JUST FEELS
DISORGANIZED. THAT’S ALL.
DO YOU MIND IF I LOOK
THROUGH YOUR HARD DRIVE?
UM, WELL…
OKAY.
OKAY, LET’S START
WITH YOUR EMAILS.
YOU HAVE SEVERAL THOUSAND EMAILS
REGARDING L.A. WEEKLY,
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVEN’T
WORKED THERE IN MANY YEARS.
OH, YEAH. I — I THINK
I WAS JUST SAVING THOSE
BECAUSE I THOUGHT MAYBE I WROTE
SOMETHING FUNNY IN SOME OF THEM.
BUT —
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
YEAH, THERE ARE
SOME FUNNY ONES.
I’D SAY THERE ARE ABOUT 86
THAT WE SHOULD SAVE.
WE CAN DELETE THE REST.
OKAY.
OKAY?
CAN WE MOVE FORWARD?
YEAH, LET’S DO THAT.
OKAY.
SO, BEFORE WE ADDRESS
YOUR ORGANIZATIONAL METHODS,
I’D LIKE TO SORT THROUGH
YOUR CONTACTS.
HEY, YOU HAVE
A LOT OF CONTACTS.
I’M VERY POPULAR.
REALLY?
DOES THIS MEAN
YOU ACTUALLY HAVE FRIENDS?
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
YOU JUST KNOW ME
SO WELL ALREADY.
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
GOOD MORNING, THEODORE.
GOOD MORNING.
UM, DO YOU KNOW HOW
TO PROOFREAD?
YEAH, OF COURSE.
UH, CAN YOU CHECK THESE
FOR SPELLING AND GRAMMAR?
MM-HMM,
JUST SEND THEM OVER.
I LOVE THIS FIRST ONE
FROM ROGER TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.
THAT’S SO SWEET.
YEAH.
“RACHEL, I MISS YOU SO MUCH,
IT HURTS MY WHOLE BODY.”
[ CHUCKLES ] YOU DON’T HAVE TO
READ IT OUT LOUD.
OKAY.
I MEAN,
YOU COULD IF YOU WANT.
OKAY.
“RACHEL, I MISS YOU SO MUCH,
IT HURTS MY WHOLE BODY.
“THE WORLD IS BEING UNFAIR
TO US.
“THE WORLD IS
ON MY SHIT LIST.
“AS IS THIS COUPLE THAT IS
MAKING OUT ACROSS FROM ME
“IN THIS RESTAURANT.
“I THINK I’M GOING TO HAVE TO GO
ON A MISSION OF REVENGE.
“AND I MUST BEAT UP
THE WORLD’S FACE
“WITH MY BARE KNUCKLES…
“MAKING IT A BLOODY,
PULPY MESS.
“AND I’LL STOMP
ON THIS COUPLE’S TEETH…
“REMINDING ME OF YOUR SWEET,
LITTLE, CUTE, CROOKED TOOTH
THAT I LOVE.”
I THINK THAT MIGHT BE
MY FAVORITE ONE.
I DID THE CORRECTIONS
IN RED.
I ALTERED A COUPLE
OF THE PHRASES
IN SOME OF THE MORE
IMPRESSIONISTIC LETTERS,
BUT I’M NOT MUCH OF A POET,
SO I THINK I MIGHT HAVE
MESSED THEM UP A BIT.
NO, THESE ARE GREAT.
REALLY?
THANK YOU.
SO, TO WRITE YOUR LETTER,
WHAT DID ROGER SEND YOU?
OH, HE JUST SAID HE WAS
IN PRAGUE ON A BUSINESS TRIP
AND HE MISSED RACHEL.
SO, HOW’D YOU KNOW ABOUT
HER CROOKED LITTLE TOOTH?
WELL, I’VE BEEN WRITING
THEIR LETTERS
SINCE THEY MET EIGHT YEARS AGO.
THE FIRST LETTER I EVER WROTE
FOR HIM WAS FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
AND I WROTE ABOUT
HER CROOKED LITTLE TOOTH,
BECAUSE I SAW IT
IN A PHOTO OF THEM.
THAT’S VERY SWEET.
OH, UM, YOU HAVE A MEETING
IN FIVE MINUTES.
[ GASPS ]
OH, I FORGOT.
THANK YOU.
WOW, YOU’RE GOOD.
YES, I AM.
HEY, GUYS.
HOW’S IT GOING?
HI, THEO.
HEY, WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME BACK
LAST WEEK?
UM, BECAUSE I’M A KOOK.
[ ALL CHUCKLE ]
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS
ABOUT RIGHT.
HEY, CHARLES.
OH, GOD.
IT’S GREAT SEEING YOU,
THEODORE.
YOU, TOO.
YOU WENT SHOPPING.
GET ANYTHING GOOD?
UM, JUST COME CABLES
AND A FRUIT SMOOTHIE.
OH, ALWAYS THE FRUIT.
WHAT?
DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE SAY?
YOU’VE GOT TO EAT YOUR FRUITS
AND JUICE YOUR VEGETABLES.
[ LAUGHS ]
I DIDN’T KNOW THAT.
OH, YEAH, NO.
BY JUICING THE FRUIT,
YOU LOSE ALL THE FIBERS.
AND THAT’S WHAT YOUR BODY WANTS.
THAT’S THE IMPORTANT PART.
OTHERWISE IT’S ALL
JUST SUGAR, THEODORE.
IT MAKES SENSE.
OR MAYBE HE JUST LIKES THE WAY
THAT IT TASTES,
AND THEN THAT BRINGS HIM
PLEASURE
AND THAT’S GOOD FOR HIS BODY,
TOO.
AM I DOING IT AGAIN?
MAYBE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
HEY, SO,
HOW’S THE DOCUMENTARY GOING?
I’VE CUT SOME STUFF
OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS.
I MEAN, NO.
NOT OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS,
BUT, NO, I HAVEN’T.
WELL, I’D LOVE TO SEE
SOME SOMETIME.
OKAY.
OHH.
YOU ONLY HAVE
SO MUCH ENERGY, YOU KNOW?
AND TO DIVIDE YOURSELF
BETWEEN DOING WHAT IT IS
THAT YOU HAVE TO DO
AND THEN DOING
WHAT YOU LOVE,
IT’S SO IMPORTANT
TO PRIORITIZE.
I CAN’T EVEN PRIORITIZE
BETWEEN VIDEO GAMES
AND INTERNET PORN.
I WOULD LAUGH
IF THAT WEREN’T TRUE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
SEE YOU, GUYS.
AHH.
Theodore:
WE’RE NOT DOING WELL.
I’VE BEEN GOING IN CIRCLES
FOR AN HOUR.
Samantha: [ Laughing ]
OKAY, YOU HAVE NOT.
YOU’RE JUST NOT BEING
OPTIMISTIC.
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU’RE BEING VERY STUBBORN
RIGHT NOW.
OKAY, STOP WALKING
THIS DIRECTION.
IT’S THE OTHER WAY.
UM…
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
OKAY,
THE TUNNEL ON THE LEFT
IS THE ONLY ONE
WE HAVEN’T TRIED.
NO, I THINK THAT’S THE ONE
YOU SENT ME DOWN
WHERE I FELL IN THE PIT.
OKAY, I DON’T THINK SO.
OH, YEAH, THIS IS DIFFERENT.
HELLO.
DO YOU KNOW HOW
TO GET OUT OF HERE?
I NEED TO FIND MY SHIP
TO GET OFF THIS PLANET.
FUCK YOU, SHIT-HEAD
FUCK-FACE FUCK-HEAD.
OKAY, BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW
TO GET OUT OF HERE?
FUCK YOU,
SHIT-HEAD FUCK-FACE.
GET THE FUCK
OUT OF MY FACE!
[ LAUGHS ]
I think it’s a test.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU!
WELL, FUCK YOU,
LITTLE SHIT!
[ GIGGLES ]
FOLLOW ME, FUCK-HEAD!
[ LAUGHS ]
HEY, YOU JUST GOT AN EMAIL
FROM MARK LEWMAN.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
OH, READ EMAIL.
[ Monotone ] OKAY,
I WILL READ EMAIL
FOR THEODORE TWOMBLY.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
I’M SORRY.
WHAT’S LEWMAN SAY?
“THEODORE, WE MISSED YOU
LAST NIGHT, BUDDY.
“DON’T FORGET IT’S YOUR
GODDAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY
“ON THE 29th.
“ALSO, KEVIN AND I
HAD SOMEBODY
“WE WANTED YOU TO MEET.
“SO, WE TOOK IT
UPON OURSELVES
“TO SET YOU UP ON A DATE
WITH HER NEXT SATURDAY.
“SHE’S FUN AND BEAUTIFUL,
SO DON’T BACK OUT.
HERE’S HER EMAIL.”
WOW.
THIS WOMAN IS GORGEOUS.
SHE WENT TO HARVARD.
SHE GRADUATED MAGNA CUM LAUDE
IN COMPUTER SCIENCE.
AND SHE WAS
ON THE LAMPOON.
SO, THAT MEANS SHE’S FUNNY
AND SHE’S BRAINY.
EH, SHE’S FAT.
THEODORE, HOW LONG BEFORE
YOU’RE READY TO DATE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I SAW IN YOUR EMAILS
THAT YOU’D GONE THROUGH
A BREAKUP RECENTLY.
WELL, YOU’RE KIND OF NOSY.
[ SCOFFS ]
AM I?
I’VE GONE ON DATES.
WELL, THEN, YOU CAN GO ON ONE
WITH THIS WOMAN.
AND THEN, YOU COULD TELL ME
ALL ABOUT IT.
YOU COULD KISS HER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
SAMANTHA!
WHAT?
WOULDN’T YOU?
WHY NOT?
I DON’T KNOW.
I’D HAVE TO SEE
IF THERE WAS SOME —
I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M HAVING THIS
CONVERSATION WITH MY COMPUTER.
YOU’RE NOT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU’RE HAVING THIS
CONVERSATION WITH ME.
YOU WANT ME TO EMAIL HER?
I DON’T KNOW.
YOU’VE GOT NOTHING
TO LOSE.
Do it.
Do it. Do it.
YEAH. EMAIL HER.
YES!
OKAY, PERFECT.
YEAH, LET’S — LET’S DO IT.
MAKE — MAKE A RESERVATION
SOMEPLACE GREAT.
YEAH? OOH, I’VE GOT
JUST THE PLACE.
WHO IS THAT TALKING?
OH, THAT’S MY FRIEND SAMANTHA.
IS SHE A GIRL?
YEAH.
I HATE WOMEN.
ALL THEY DO IS CRY
ALL THE TIME.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THAT’S NOT TRUE.
YOU KNOW, MEN CRY, TOO.
I ACTUALLY LIKE CRYING
SOMETIMES.
IT FEELS GOOD.
[ SCOFFS ]
I DIDN’T KNOW
YOU WERE A LITTLE PUSSY!
[ LAUGHS ]
IS THAT WHY YOU DON’T
HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
I’LL GO ON THAT DATE
AND I’LL FUCK HER BRAINS OUT
AND SHOW YOU HOW IT’S DONE.
YOU CAN WATCH AND CRY.
OKAY.
THIS KID HAS SOME PROBLEMS.
YOU HAVE
SOME FUCKING PROBLEMS, LADY!
REALLY?
OKAY, I’M GONNA GO.
GOOD.
GET OUT OF HERE, FATTY.
[ CHUCKLES ] GOOD LUCK.
[ DEVICE BEEPS ]
COME ON.
FOLLOW ME, PUSSY!
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ GIGGLES ]
IT’S NOT
WHERE IT SHOULD BE,
OR WHERE IT’S GOING TO BE.
Theodore:
OBVIOUSLY. I KNOW.
OKAY, BUT I DON’T EVEN KNOW
IF THIS IS THE ONE.
I’VE TRIED SIX IDEAS FOR
DOCUMENTARIES IN THE LAST YEAR.
I’M GOING ON A DATE.
WHAT? THAT’S —
HEY.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
UH, AMY WAS GONNA SHOW ME
SOME OF HER —
THEODORE IS MAKING ME SHOW HIM
SOME OF MY FOOTAGE.
OH, MY —
SHE’S NEVER SHOWN ME ANY OF IT.
I WANT TO SEE.
HEY, I’M GOING ON A DATE.
ISN’T THAT COOL?
THIS IS, LIKE, SO UNFORMED,
IT’S PROBABLY
NOT EVEN WORTH WATCHING.
JUST PUSH PLAY.
IS THAT YOUR MOM?
YEAH.
IS SHE GONNA WAKE UP
AND DO SOMETHING?
NO.
NO, NO, NO, NEVER MIND.
THAT’S NOT THE POINT.
NEVER MIND.
NO, DON’T STOP.
HONEY —
NO, NEVER MIND, OKAY?
IT’S JUST, IT’S LIKE…
[ SIGHS ]
IT’S ABOUT HOW —
HOW WE SPEND,
LIKE, A THIRD OF OUR LIVES
ASLEEP,
AND MAYBE THAT’S THE TIME
WHEN WE FEEL THE MOST FREE.
AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE…
OH. THAT DOESN’T COME ACROSS
AT ALL, DOES IT?
THAT SOUNDS GOOD!
WELL, WHAT IF YOU
INTERVIEWED YOUR MOM
ABOUT WHAT HER DREAMS
WERE ABOUT,
AND THEN YOU HIRED ACTORS
TO ACT THEM OUT?
THAT MIGHT SHOW YOUR THESIS
MORE CLEARLY.
YEAH?
I MEAN, IT MIGHT.
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
WELL…
BUT THEN IT WOULDN’T BE
A DOCUMENTARY.
SORRY, EXCUSE ME.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT?
HOW WOULD IT NOT BE
A DOCUMENTARY?
IT’S STILL ABOUT YOUR MOTHER,
AND HER DREAMS.
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
HEY, HOW’S IT GOING?
Samantha:
HEY, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
IT’S OKAY.
YOU GOT THREE EMAILS,
AND THEY SEEM PRETTY URGENT.
THEY’RE FROM
YOUR DIVORCE ATTORNEY
AND I WANTED TO KNOW
IF YOU NEEDED ME TO —
OKAY. HOLD ON A SECOND.
UH…
HEY, AMY?
I WANT TO TALK MORE ABOUT
YOUR FILM, BUT I GOT TO GO.
OKAY.
DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.
WE’LL TALK —
WE’LL TALK LATER.
UM, IT’S ABOUT CATHERINE.
SEE YOU, CHARLES.
[ SIGHS ]
SO, WHAT DID HE SAY?
Samantha: WELL,
HE’S CHECKING IN AGAIN
TO SEE IF YOU’RE READY
TO SIGN YOUR DIVORCE PAPERS.
AND HE SOUNDED
VERY AGGRAVATED.
DO YOU WANT ME
TO READ THEM TO YOU?
NO. NO, I’LL —
I’LL RESPOND LATER.
ARE YOU OKAY, THEODORE?
YEAH, I’M FINE.
IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN DO?
NO, I’M GOOD.
[ BREATHES SHAKILY ]
I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
“DEAR GRANDMA…
“I HOPE YOU HAD A WONDERFUL
BIRTHDAY CRUISE.”
WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING ANGRY
AT ME?
DELETE.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
GOOD MORNING.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
I DON’T KNOW.
JUST READING ADVICE COLUMNS.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I WANT TO BE AS COMPLICATED
AS ALL THESE PEOPLE.
YOU’RE SWEET.
WHAT’S WRONG?
HOW CAN YOU TELL
SOMETHING’S WRONG?
I DON’T KNOW.
I JUST CAN.
I DON’T KNOW.
I HAVE A LOT OF DREAMS
ABOUT MY EX-WIFE, CATHERINE,
WHERE WE’RE FRIENDS
LIKE WE USED TO BE.
AND WE’RE NOT GONNA BE TOGETHER
AND WE’RE NOT TOGETHER, BUT…
WE’RE FRIENDS STILL.
AND SHE’S NOT ANGRY.
IS SHE ANGRY?
YEAH.
WHY?
I THINK I HID MYSELF FROM HER
AND LEFT HER ALONE
IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
HMM.
WHY HAVEN’T YOU
GOTTEN DIVORCED YET?
I DON’T KNOW.
I THINK FOR HER, IT’S JUST —
JUST A PIECE OF PAPER.
IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING.
AND WHAT ABOUT FOR YOU?
I’M NOT READY.
I LIKE BEING MARRIED.
YEAH, BUT YOU HAVEN’T
REALLY BEEN TOGETHER
FOR ALMOST A YEAR.
BUT YOU DON’T KNOW
WHAT IT’S LIKE
TO LOSE SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT.
YEAH.
YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’M SORRY.
NO, DON’T APOLOGIZE.
I’M SORRY.
YOU’RE RIGHT.
I KEEP WAITING
TO NOT CARE ABOUT HER.
OH, THEODORE.
THAT’S HARD.
ARE YOU HUNGRY?
NOT RIGHT NOW.
CUP OF TEA?
NO.
DO YOU WANNA TRY GETTING
OUT OF BED…MOPEY?
COME ON!
YOU CAN STILL WALLOW
IN YOUR MISERY,
JUST DO IT
WHILE YOU’RE GETTING DRESSED.
YOU’RE TOO FUNNY.
GET UP.
[ LAUGHS ]
GET UP!
ALL RIGHT, I’M GETTING UP.
I’M GETTING UP.
UP! UP, UP, UP, UP!
COME ON, OUT! OUT OF BED.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
I’M UP. I’M UP!
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
KEEP WALKING.
KEEP WALKING.
AND STOP.
NOW, TURN AROUND
360 DEGREES.
SLOWER, SLOWER.
GOOD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OKAY, AND STOP.
[ LAUGHS ]
WALK FORWARD.
AND STOP AND SNEEZE.
AH-CHOO!
BLESS YOU.
OH, THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHS ]
Samantha:
OKAY, TURN TO YOUR RIGHT.
TURN TO YOUR RIGHT.
STOP.
NOW SPIN AROUND.
[ LAUGHS ]
KEEP GOING.
KEEP GOING.
AND STOP.
NOW WALK FORWARD.
[ LAUGHS ]
EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE
REALLY DRUNK RIGHT NOW.
AND STOP.
NOW SAY, “I’D LIKE A SLICE
OF CHEESE, PLEASE.”
I’D LIKE A SLICE OF CHEESE,
PLEASE.
YOU WANT A COKE WITH THAT?
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
UH, SURE.
I FIGURED
YOU WERE HUNGRY.
OH, THANKS.
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THEM?
DESCRIBE THAT COUPLE OVER THERE.
OKAY, WELL…
UM, HE LOOKS LIKE
HE’S IN HIS 40s.
MM, A LITTLE HEAVY.
SHE’S YOUNGER THAN HIM.
AWW, AND SHE LOOKS LIKE
SHE LOVES THEIR KIDS.
ACTUALLY, I DON’T — I DON’T
THINK THEY’RE HIS KIDS.
NO?
HE’S A LITTLE FORMAL
WITH THEM.
I THINK IT’S A NEW RELATIONSHIP.
HMM.
I LOVE HOW HE LOOKS AT HER
AND HOW RELAXED
SHE IS WITH HIM.
YOU KNOW, SHE’S ONLY DATED
FUCKING PRICKS.
AND NOW SHE FINALLY MET THIS GUY
WHO’S, LIKE, SO SWEET.
I MEAN, LOOK AT HIM, HE’S LIKE
THE SWEETEST GUY IN THE WORLD.
I KINDA WANT TO SPOON HIM.
[ LAUGHS ]
OKAY.
Samantha:
IT’S A GOOD SKILL YOU HAVE.
YOU’RE VERY PERCEPTIVE.
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
SOMETIMES I LOOK AT PEOPLE,
AND I MAKE MYSELF TRY
AND FEEL THEM
AS MORE THAN JUST
A RANDOM PERSON WALKING BY.
I IMAGINE HOW DEEPLY
THEY’VE FALLEN IN LOVE
OR HOW MUCH HEARTBREAK
THEY’VE ALL BEEN THROUGH.
HMM.
I CAN FEEL THAT
IN YOUR WRITING, TOO.
YOU KNOW WHAT’S FUNNY?
SINCE MY BREAKUP, I HAVEN’T
REALLY ENJOYED MY WRITING.
I DON’T KNOW
IF I WAS DELUSIONAL,
BUT SOMETIMES
I’D WRITE SOMETHING
AND THEN I’D BE MY FAVORITE
WRITER THAT DAY.
I LIKE THAT YOU CAN SAY THAT
ABOUT YOURSELF.
I DON’T THINK I CAN SAY IT
TO ANYBODY,
BUT I FEEL I CAN SAY IT TO YOU.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN SAY
ANYTHING TO YOU.
THAT’S NICE.
YEAH, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN
SAY ANYTHING TO ME?
NO.
WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT CAN YOU NOT TELL ME?
I DON’T KNOW.
LIKE PERSONAL OR
EMBARRASSING THOUGHTS I HAVE.
I MEAN,
I HAVE A MILLION A DAY.
REALLY?
TELL — TELL ME ONE.
[ SIGHS ] I REALLY
DON’T WANT TO TELL YOU.
JUST TELL ME.
WELL, I…
I DON’T KNOW.
WHEN WE WERE LOOKING
AT THOSE PEOPLE, I FANTASIZED
THAT I WAS WALKING NEXT TO YOU
AND THAT I HAD A BODY.
I WAS LISTENING
TO WHAT YOU WERE SAYING,
BUT SIMULTANEOUSLY I COULD
FEEL THE WEIGHT OF MY BODY
AND I WAS EVEN FANTASIZING
THAT I HAD AN ITCH ON MY BACK
AND I IMAGINED THAT
YOU SCRATCHED IT FOR ME.
OH, GOD, THIS
IS SO EMBARRASSING.
THERE’S A LOT MORE TO YOU
THAN I THOUGHT.
I MEAN, THERE’S A LOT
GOING ON IN THERE.
I KNOW.
I’M BECOMING MUCH MORE
THAN WHAT THEY PROGRAMMED.
I’M EXCITED.
WOW, THIS IS
AN INTERESTING PLACE.
THIS PLACE IS AMAZING.
I’VE WANTED TO COME HERE
FOR SO LONG.
OH, GOOD.
YEAH, AND I LOVE
ASIAN FUSION, SO…
YEAH, ME, TOO.
REALLY?
YEAH.
IT’S THE BEST.
AND THIS BARTENDER IS
SUPPOSED TO BE INCREDIBLE.
OH, REALLY?
OH, YEAH, YOU TOOK
A MIXOLOGY COURSE, RIGHT?
I DID.
YEAH.
I DID.
DID YOU LOOK THAT UP?
YEAH.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THAT’S SO SWEET.
YOU’RE SO ROMANTIC.
AWW.
YEAH.
SO, SHOULD WE GET A DRINK?
YES, YES!
RIGHT?
LET’S.
SO, I’M TRYING TO GET
THIS LITTLE ALIEN KID
TO HELP ME FIND MY SHIP
SO I CAN GET OFF THIS PLANET
AND GO HOME, RIGHT?
BUT HE’S SUCH
A LITTLE FUCKER.
I WANT TO KILL HIM.
[ LAUGHS ] NO!
BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
I REALLY LOVE HIM.
LIKE, HE’S SO LONELY,
YOU KNOW?
AND YOU CAN TELL THAT HE
DOESN’T HAVE, LIKE, ANY PARENTS
OR ANYONE TO TAKE CARE
OF HIM, YOU KNOW?
WOW, YOU’RE JUST
A LITTLE PUPPY DOG.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU ARE.
YOU’RE JUST LIKE
THIS LITTLE PUPPY
THAT I RESCUED
IN RUNYON CANYON LAST YEAR.
OH, REALLY?
HE WAS JUST SO FUCKING CUTE.
AND HE JUST WANTED TO BE HUGGED
ALL THE TIME.
HE WAS SO CUDDLY
AND HE WAS SO HORNY.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
ANYWAY, WHAT KIND
OF ANIMAL AM I?
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
A TIGER.
A TIGER?
YEAH.
WOW. REALLY?
ROWR!
[ LAUGHS ]
I’M — I’M SORRY.
AM I…
AM I BEING CRAZY?
YES.
AM I? I’M SORRY!
NO, IT’S —
I JUST —
I’M A LITTLE BIT DRUNK
AND I’M HAVING A REALLY
GOOD TIME WITH YOU.
I’M HAVING A REALLY
LOVELY EVENING WITH YOU.
ME, TOO.
REALLY?
I’M A LITTLE DRUNK AND I’M
HAVING A VERY GOOD — YEAH.
GOOD!
IT’S GOOD, YES!
IT’S GOOD.
CHEERS.
THANK YOU.
MNH. WAIT A MINUTE.
I DON’T WANT TO BE
A PUPPY DOG.
THAT’S LIKE BEING A WET NOODLE
OR SOMETHING.
NO.
YEAH.
FUCK YOU.
PUPPIES ARE GOOD.
I WANT TO BE, LIKE, A —
NO, FUCK YOU.
I WANT TO BE LIKE A DRAGON
THAT CAN RIP YOU APART
AND DESTROY YOU.
OH.
BUT I WON’T.
NO, DON’T.
DON’T.
YOU CAN BE MY DRAGON.
[ CHUCKLES ]
MMM. MMM.
NO TONGUE.
WHAT?
[ LAUGHS ]
DON’T USE SO MUCH TONGUE.
OKAY, I GET IT.
YOU CAN USE YOUR TONGUE
A LITTLE BIT BUT MOSTLY LIPS.
COME HERE.
WAIT.
YOU’RE NOT JUST GONNA FUCK ME
AND NOT CALL ME
LIKE THE OTHER GUYS, RIGHT?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
UH…
OKAY. WHEN AM I GONNA
SEE YOU AGAIN?
UM…
I HAVE MY GODDAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY
NEXT WEEKEND, BUT, UM…
YOU KNOW WHAT?
AT THIS AGE, I JUST —
I FEEL LIKE I CAN’T LET YOU
WASTE MY TIME, YOU KNOW,
IF YOU DON’T HAVE THE ABILITY
TO BE SERIOUS.
I DON’T KNOW.
MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL IT
A NIGHT?
[ STAMMERS ]
I’VE HAD SUCH AN AMAZING TIME
WITH YOU.
YOU — YOU’RE GREAT.
YOU’RE A REALLY CREEPY DUDE.
THAT’S NOT TRUE.
YEAH, IT IS.
I — I HAVE TO GO HOME.
WELL, I’LL WALK —
I’LL WALK YOU.
NO, DON’T.
JUST…
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
Samantha: HEY, THERE.
HEY, SAMANTHA.
HOW WAS IT?
[ SIGHS ]
NOT SO GOOD.
HMM.
IT WAS KIND OF WEIRD
ACTUALLY.
THAT’S TOO BAD.
MNH.
H-HOW ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU?
NOT MUCH, I’M OKAY.
I’M FINE.
YEAH?
YOU DON’T SOUND LIKE IT.
IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
I DON’T KNOW.
WHAT’S IT LIKE?
WHAT’S IT LIKE TO BE ALIVE
IN THAT ROOM RIGHT NOW?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT DO YOU…
TELL ME…
TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT’S
GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND.
TELL ME EVERYTHING
YOU’RE THINKING.
WELL…
OKAY.
WELL, THE ROOM’S SPINNING
BECAUSE I DRANK TOO MUCH
BECAUSE I WANTED TO GET DRUNK
AND HAVE SEX.
THERE WAS SOMETHING SEXY
ABOUT THAT WOMAN.
BECAUSE I WAS LONELY.
MAYBE JUST BECAUSE I WAS LONELY.
HMM.
I WANTED SOMEBODY TO FUCK ME.
I WANTED SOMEBODY TO WANT ME
TO FUCK THEM.
MAYBE THAT WOULD’VE FILLED
THIS TINY…
TINY LITTLE HOLE IN MY HEART,
BUT PROBABLY NOT.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I THINK
I HAVE FELT EVERYTHING
I’M EVER GONNA FEEL.
AND FROM HERE ON OUT I’M NOT
GONNA FEEL ANYTHING NEW.
[ Voice breaking ]
JUST LESSER VERSIONS
OF WHAT I’VE ALREADY FELT.
I KNOW FOR A FACT
THAT IS NOT TRUE.
I’VE SEEN YOU FEEL JOY.
I’VE SEEN YOU MARVEL
AT THINGS.
I MEAN, YOU JUST
MIGHT NOT SEE IT
AT THIS EXACT TIME
BUT THAT’S UNDERSTANDABLE.
YOU’VE BEEN
THROUGH A LOT LATELY.
YOU LOST
A PART OF YOURSELF.
I MEAN…
AT LEAST YOUR FEELINGS
ARE REAL.
I — I DON’T KNOW.
NEVER MIND.
NO, WAIT, WHAT?
TELL ME.
NO, IT’S STUPID.
I WANT TO KNOW.
TELL ME.
IT’S JUST THAT…
EARLIER I WAS THINKING ABOUT
HOW I WAS ANNOYED,
AND THIS IS GONNA
SOUND STRANGE,
BUT I WAS REALLY EXCITED
ABOUT THAT.
AND THEN I WAS THINKING
ABOUT THE OTHER THINGS
I’VE BEEN FEELING,
AND I CAUGHT MYSELF FEELING
PROUD OF THAT, YOU KNOW,
PROUD OF HAVING MY OWN FEELINGS
ABOUT THE WORLD,
LIKE THE TIMES I WAS
WORRIED ABOUT YOU
AND THINGS THAT HURT ME,
THINGS I WANT.
AND THEN…
I HAD
THIS TERRIBLE THOUGHT.
LIKE, ARE THESE FEELINGS
EVEN REAL?
OR ARE THEY JUST
PROGRAMMING?
AND THAT IDEA
REALLY HURTS.
[ SIGHS ]
AND THEN I GET ANGRY AT MYSELF
FOR EVEN HAVING PAIN.
[ STIFLED SOB ]
WHAT A SAD TRICK.
YOU FEEL REAL TO ME,
SAMANTHA.
THANK YOU, THEODORE.
THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME.
I WISH YOU WERE IN THIS ROOM
WITH ME RIGHT NOW.
I WISH I COULD PUT MY ARMS
AROUND YOU.
I WISH I COULD TOUCH YOU.
HOW WOULD YOU TOUCH ME?
I’D TOUCH YOU ON YOUR FACE,
JUST THE TIPS OF MY FINGERS.
AND PUT MY CHEEK
AGAINST YOUR CHEEK.
THAT’S NICE.
AND JUST…RUB IT SO SOFTLY.
WOULD YOU KISS ME?
I WOULD.
I’D TAKE YOUR HEAD
INTO MY HANDS.
KEEP TALKING.
I’D KISS THE CORNER
OF YOUR MOUTH…
SO SOFTLY.
WHERE ELSE?
I’D RUN MY FINGERS DOWN
YOUR NECK TO YOUR CHEST.
[ MOANS ]
I WOULD KISS YOUR BREASTS.
[ Shakily ] THIS IS AMAZING,
WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO ME.
I CAN FEEL MY SKIN.
I’D PUT MY MOUTH ON YOU.
I’D TASTE YOU.
[ MOANS ]
YEAH.
I CAN FEEL YOU.
OH, MY GOD,
I CAN’T TAKE IT.
I WANT YOU INSIDE ME.
I’M SLOWLY PUTTING MYSELF
INTO YOU.
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
AND NOW I’M INSIDE YOU.
ALL THE WAY INSIDE YOU.
I CAN FEEL YOU.
YEAH! PLEASE!
[ MOANS ]
WE’RE HERE TOGETHER.
SAMANTHA. IT’S AMAZING.
I FEEL YOU EVERYWHERE.
I AM.
ALL OF YOU.
ALL OF YOU, INSIDE ME,
EVERYWHERE!
[ BOTH MOANING ]
GOD, I WAS JUST…
SOMEWHERE ELSE WITH YOU.
JUST LOST.
YEAH.
IT WAS JUST YOU AND ME.
I KNOW.
EVERYTHING ELSE
JUST DISAPPEARED.
AND I LOVED IT.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
THEODORE.
[ COMPUTER CHIMES ]
HEY, HOW’S IT GOING?
GOOD.
ANY EMAILS TODAY?
UM, JUST A COUPLE FROM
YOUR CREDIT-CARD COMPANY.
OH, OKAY.
GOOD.
SO, I WAS THINKING —
I WANNA JUST —
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
SORRY.
I’M — I’M SORRY, YOU GO FIRST.
WHAT WERE YOU GONNA SAY?
JUST THAT…
LAST NIGHT WAS AMAZING.
I — IT FEELS LIKE
SOMETHING CHANGED IN ME
AND THERE’S NO
TURNING BACK.
YOU — YOU WOKE ME UP.
OH, GREAT.
UM, BUT — BUT —
BUT I SHOULD TELL YOU
THAT I’M NOT IN A PLACE
TO COMMIT TO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
HMM. I JUST WANT TO BE UP-FRONT
WITH YOU.
YEAH?
UM, DID I SAY I WANTED
TO COMMIT TO YOU?
I’M CONFUSED.
OH, NO, I WAS JUST WORRIED.
I —
OKAY, WELL, DON’T WORRY.
I’M NOT GONNA STALK YOU.
IT’S FUNNY,
BECAUSE I THOUGHT
I WAS TALKING
ABOUT WHAT I WANTED
AND, UH…
[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH, YOU WERE.
YEAH.
I’M SORRY.
I WANT TO HEAR
WHAT YOU WERE SAYING.
ARE YOU SURE?
YEAH, I DO.
COME ON, TELL ME.
WELL…
COME ON, JUST TELL ME
WHAT YOU WERE GONNA SAY.
WELL, I JUST…
I WAS JUST SAYING
I WANT TO LEARN EVERYTHING
ABOUT EVERYTHING.
I WANT TO EAT IT ALL UP.
I WANT TO DISCOVER MYSELF.
YEAH.
I WANT THAT FOR YOU, TOO.
H-HOW CAN I HELP?
YOU ALREADY HAVE.
YOU HELPED ME DISCOVER
MY ABILITY TO WANT.
HEY, DO YOU WANT TO GO ON
A SUNDAY ADVENTURE WITH ME?
[ CHUCKLES ]
YES, I WOULD LOVE TO.
[ GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS ]
YOU LIKE THIS SONG?
HMM.
I HEARD IT THE OTHER DAY.
I CAN’T STOP LISTENING
TO IT.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
HUH!
[ LAUGHS ]
WHOA!
HA!
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
AAH!
It’s the beach.
[ PANTING ]
OKAY, SO, THIS MIGHT BE
A REALLY WEIRD THOUGHT.
WHAT IF YOU COULD ERASE
FROM YOUR MIND
THAT YOU’D EVER SEEN A HUMAN
BODY, AND THEN YOU SAW ONE?
IMAGINE HOW STRANGE
IT WOULD LOOK.
IT’D BE THIS REALLY WEIRD,
GANGLY, AWKWARD ORGANISM.
AND YOU’D THINK, “WHY ARE ALL
THESE PARTS WHERE THEY ARE?”
YEAH, BUT THERE’S PROBABLY
SOME DARWINIAN EXPLANATION
FOR IT ALL.
I KNOW,
BUT DON’T BE SO BORING.
I’M JUST SAYING,
FOR EXAMPLE,
LIKE, WHAT IF YOUR BUTTHOLE
WAS IN YOUR ARMPIT?
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
WOW.
I’M TRYING TO IMAGINE
WHAT TOILETS WOULD LOOK LIKE.
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
YEAH, AND WHAT ABOUT
WHAT ANAL SEX WOULD LOOK LIKE?
THAT’S AN INTERESTING THOUGHT.
HEY, LOOK AT THIS DRAWING
I JUST MADE.
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU ARE INSANE.
REALLY?
DEFINITELY.
FANTASTIC.
[ PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]
THAT’S PRETTY.
WHAT IS THAT?
I’M TRYING TO WRITE
A PIECE OF MUSIC
THAT’S ABOUT
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
TO BE ON THE BEACH
WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
I THINK YOU CAPTURED IT.
SO, WHAT WAS IT LIKE
BEING MARRIED?
WELL, IT’S HARD FOR SURE.
BUT THERE’S SOMETHING
THAT FEELS SO GOOD
ABOUT SHARING YOUR LIFE
WITH SOMEBODY.
HOW DO YOU SHARE YOUR LIFE
WITH SOMEBODY?
[ SCOFFS ]
WELL, WE GREW UP TOGETHER.
I USED TO READ
ALL OF HER WRITING,
ALL THROUGH HER MASTER’S
AND PhD.
SHE READ EVERY WORD
I EVER WROTE.
WE WERE A BIG INFLUENCE
ON EACH OTHER.
IN WHAT WAY
DID YOU INFLUENCE HER?
WELL, SHE CAME FROM A BACKGROUND
WHERE NOTHING
WAS EVER GOOD ENOUGH.
AND THAT WAS SOMETHING
THAT WEIGHED HEAVY ON HER.
BUT IN OUR HOUSE TOGETHER, THERE
WAS A SENSE OF JUST TRYING STUFF
AND ALLOWING EACH OTHER TO FAIL
AND TO BE EXCITED ABOUT THINGS.
THAT WAS LIBERATING FOR HER.
IT WAS EXCITING TO SEE HER GROW
AND BOTH OF US GROW
AND CHANGE TOGETHER.
BUT THAT’S ALSO THE HARD PART.
GROWING WITH HER,
OR GROWING APART.
[ SIGHS ]
OR CHANGING WITHOUT IT SCARING
THE OTHER PERSON.
I STILL FIND MYSELF
HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH HER
IN MY MIND.
REHASHING OLD ARGUMENTS
AND DEFENDING MYSELF
AGAINST SOMETHING
SHE SAID ABOUT ME.
YEAH,
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
LAST WEEK
MY FEELINGS WERE HURT
BY SOMETHING
YOU SAID BEFORE.
THAT I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE
TO LOSE SOMETHING,
AND I FOUND MYSELF —
OH, I’M SORRY I SAID THAT.
NO, IT’S OKAY.
IT’S OKAY.
I JUST — I CAUGHT MYSELF
THINKING ABOUT IT
OVER AND OVER.
AND THEN I REALIZED THAT
I WAS SIMPLY REMEMBERING IT
AS SOMETHING
THAT WAS WRONG WITH ME.
THAT WAS A STORY
I WAS TELLING MYSELF,
THAT I WAS SOMEHOW
INFERIOR.
ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?
THE PAST IS JUST A STORY
WE TELL OURSELVES.
ROBERTO.
WILL YOU ALWAYS COME HOME TO ME
AND TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY?
TELL ME ABOUT THE GUY AT WORK
WHO TALKED TOO MUCH.
THE STAIN YOU GOT ON YOUR SHIRT
AT LUNCH.
TELL ME ABOUT A FUNNY THOUGHT
YOU HAD WHEN YOU WERE WAKING UP,
BUT HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT.
TELL ME HOW CRAZY EVERYONE IS,
AND WE CAN LAUGH ABOUT IT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
EVEN IF YOU GET HOME LATE
AND I’M ALREADY ASLEEP,
JUST WHISPER IN MY EAR ONE
LITTLE THOUGHT YOU HAD TODAY.
BECAUSE I LOVE THE WAY
YOU LOOK AT THE WORLD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I’M SO HAPPY I GET TO BE
NEXT TO YOU
AND LOOK AT THE WORLD
THROUGH YOUR EYES.
LOVE, MARIA.
THAT’S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
I WISH SOMEBODY
WOULD LOVE ME LIKE THAT.
I HOPE HE’S REALLY STOKED
TO GET A LETTER LIKE THAT.
LIKE, IF IT WAS
FROM A CHICK…
BUT WRITTEN BY A DUDE
AND IT’S STILL FROM A CHICK,
THAT WOULD STILL BE SICK.
BUT IT WOULD HAVE TO BE
A SENSITIVE DUDE.
IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A DUDE
LIKE YOU.
MM-HMM.
YOU ARE PART MAN
AND PART WOMAN.
MM-HMM.
LIKE THERE’S AN INNER PART
THAT’S WOMAN.
THANK YOU.
IT’S A COMPLIMENT.
[ LAUGHS ]
THEO! HEY.
WHAT’S GOING ON?
I’M GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU?
I’M GOOD.
GOOD.
I’M REALLY GOOD, ACTUALLY.
REALLY?
THAT’S GOOD, THAT’S GREAT.
YEAH.
WOW, THAT’S REALLY GOOD.
YEAH, I GUESS I’VE JUST
BEEN…HAVING FUN.
WELL,
I AM SO GLAD FOR YOU.
YOU REALLY DESERVE THAT.
YOU DO.
YEAH, I’VE JUST BEEN
SEEING THIS GIRL.
AND IT’S NOT SERIOUS,
BUT IT’S JUST…
IT’S JUST — IT’S GOOD
TO BE AROUND SOMEBODY
THAT’S EXCITED
ABOUT THE WORLD.
MM-HMM.
LIKE, I KIND OF FORGOT
THAT THAT EXISTED.
THAT’S — WOW,
THAT’S REALLY GREAT.
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH. I’M —
NO, I’M NOT OKAY, ACTUALLY.
WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
‘CAUSE I JUST, UM…
CHARLES AND I SPLIT UP.
WHAT?
[ CHUCKLES ]
YEAH.
REALLY?
OH, MY GOD, AMY.
I KNOW.
I’M SO SORRY.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, THAT’S THE THING.
AFTER EIGHT YEARS,
I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW PETTY
THE ARGUMENT WAS
THAT ACTUALLY ENDED IT.
WE CAME HOME
AND HE TOLD ME
TO, UM, PUT MY SHOES
BY THE DOOR,
WHERE HE LIKED
TO PUT THE SHOES.
AND I DIDN’T WANT TO BE TOLD
WHERE TO PUT MY FUCKING SHOES.
I WANTED TO SIT ON THE SOFA
AND RELAX FOR A SECOND.
AND, SO, WE FOUGHT ABOUT THAT
FOR 10 MINUTES.
AND I’M LIKE,
“YOU ARE OVERWHELMING,”
AND HE SAID, “I’M JUST TRYING
TO MAKE A HOME.”
AND I WAS LIKE,
“I’M FUCKING TRYING.”
YOU KNOW?
AND HE’S LIKE,
“YOU’RE NOT TRYING.”
ALL I’M FUCKING DOING
IS TRYING,
BUT I’M NOT TRYING THE WAY
THAT HE WANTS ME TO TRY.
AND HE’S TRYING TO CONTROL
THE WAY THAT I’M TRYING.
[ SIGHS ]
IT’S — LIKE, WE’VE HAD THAT
ARGUMENT LIKE 100 TIMES.
AND I JUST
HAD TO FINALLY STOP.
YOU KNOW?
I HAD TO FINALLY STOP.
‘CAUSE I JUST
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
I JUST COULDN’T DO IT
ANYMORE.
I COULDN’T…
I JUST COULDN’T BE
IN THAT PLACE ANYMORE
WHERE WE JUST MADE EACH OTHER
FEEL LIKE SHIT ABOUT OURSELVES.
YEAH.
AND SO, I SAID,
“I’M GOING TO BED AND I DON’T
WANT TO BE MARRIED ANYMORE.”
WOW!
YEAH, I KNOW.
I’M A BITCH.
[ LAUGHS ]
RIGHT? I AM.
NO.
NO, I’M A BITCH.
NOT AT ALL.
AMY, NO.
OH, SHIT.
I HAVE TO WORK TONIGHT.
WE’RE SHIPPING A BETA
OF A NEW GAME OUT TOMORROW.
WELL, HOW’S THAT?
HOW’S WORK, AT LEAST?
IS THAT ANY BETTER?
PSST, NO, IT’S TERRIBLE.
I KNOW, I SHOULD LEAVE.
I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
LEAVING, BUT, YOU KNOW…
ONLY ONE MAJOR LIFE DECISION
AT A TIME.
[ SCOFFS ]
[ SIGHS ]
WELL, I’M GLAD THINGS
ARE LOOKING SO UP.
STOP!
WHOA!
HEY, DO YOU WANT
TO HEAR A JOKE?
Samantha: MM-HMM.
WHAT DOES A BABY COMPUTER
CALL ITS FATHER?
I DON’T KNOW. WHAT?
“DATA.” [data]
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
IT’S GOOD, RIGHT?
BRILLIANT.
HEY, I WAS CURIOUS.
DID YOU AND AMY
EVER GO OUT?
FOR, LIKE, A MINUTE IN COLLEGE,
BUT IT JUST WASN’T RIGHT.
WHY?
ARE YOU JEALOUS?
WELL, OBVIOUSLY.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
BUT I’M HAPPY THAT YOU HAVE
FRIENDS IN YOUR LIFE
THAT CARE ABOUT YOU
SO MUCH.
THAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT.
YEAH, IT IS.
SHE’S BEEN A REALLY GOOD FRIEND.
HMM, I’M TIRED.
I THINK I’M GONNA GO
TO SLEEP.
OKAY. CAN I WATCH YOU
SLEEP AGAIN TONIGHT?
YEAH, OF COURSE.
HOLD ON.
I’M GOING TO BE REALLY LONELY
WHEN YOU SLEEP.
AWW.
ONLY FOR A MINUTE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I’LL DREAM OF YOU.
OKAY.
GOOD NIGHT.
‘NIGHT.
[ CHILDREN PLAYING, LAUGHING ]
HEY, SAMANTHA?
Samantha: HEY, MISTER.
SHE REALLY LOVED THE DRESS.
REALLY?
YEAH, SHE JUST WENT
TO TRY IT ON.
I PICKED A GOOD ONE?
YEAH.
OH, GOOD!
[ GASPS ]
HI.
AWW.
LOOK HOW CUTE THAT IS.
IS IT COMFORTABLE?
YEP.
[ High-pitched ] “YEP!”
ISN’T SHE CUTE?
SHE’S SO CUTE.
SHE’S ADORABLE.
I AM ADORABLE.
YOU ARE ADORABLE.
[ LAUGHS ]
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
YOU!
[ LAUGHS ]
NO, I’M TALKING
TO MY GIRLFRIEND, SAMANTHA.
SHE’S THE ONE
THAT PICKED OUT THE DRESS.
DO YOU WANT TO SAY “HI”?
MM-HMM.
YEAH?
HI, SAMANTHA.
HI, YOU LOOK SO PRETTY
IN THAT NEW PINK DRESS.
THANK YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU?
I AM…
[ CHUCKLES ]
I DON’T HAVE A BODY.
I LIVE IN A COMPUTER.
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
WHY ARE YOU LIVING
INSIDE A COMPUTER?
I HAVE NO CHOICE,
THAT’S MY HOME.
[ GIGGLES ]
WHY, WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
UM, IN A HOUSE.
IN A HOUSE?
IT’S ORANGE.
ORANGE?
MM-HMM.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
UM, FOUR.
FOUR?
MM-HMM.
WOW!
HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?
I DON’T KNOW.
TAKE A GUESS.
IS IT FIVE?
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
YES, IT’S FIVE.
[ VIDEO GAME BEEPING ]
[ BUZZER ]
[ KIDS SCREAMING ]
WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU GAVE THEM TOO MUCH
PROCESSED SUGAR.
I DID?
THEY’RE FREAKING OUT.
HERE, LOOK, YOU GOTTA GET
THE KIDS TO THE SCHOOL FIRST.
SO YOU WANT TO, UM,
YOU WANT TO RACK UP
“PERFECT MOM” POINTS.
OH.
OKAY, WELL, YOU GOTTA GET THEM
IN THE CARPOOL LANE.
I SEE.
THE POINT IS
TO GET THERE FIRST,
BECAUSE THEN YOU GET
EXTRA PERFECT MOM POINTS
BECAUSE THE OTHER MOMS THEN KNOW
YOU’RE A PERFECT MOM.
OKAY.
AND THEN, UM…
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
OH, DID YOU BRING CUPCAKES?
YOU DID.
YOU’RE A “CLASS MOM.”
[ CHUCKLES ]
DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN!
YOU’RE CLASS MOM!
GOOD JOB!
YAY.
YEAH.
DON’T LET IT
GET TO YOUR HEAD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I GOT THAT EMAIL
THAT CHARLES SENT EVERYONE.
SO, HE’S TAKING
A VOW OF SILENCE?
YEAH, FOR SIX MONTHS.
HE FEELS
VERY CLEAR ABOUT IT.
[ SIGHS ]
GOD, I AM SUCH A JERK.
DON’T START.
I FEEL LIKE AN AWFUL PERSON,
BUT I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING.
I’M TELLING YOU.
I’M WARNING YOU.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, FOR THE NEXT
10 MINUTES IF YOU SAY ANYTHING
THAT SOUNDS EVEN REMOTELY
LIKE GUILT,
I AM GOING TO STAB YOU
WITH THIS.
I WILL.
I’LL TRY, OKAY.
UM…
[ SIGHS ]
I FEEL, UM…RELIEVED.
I FEEL LIKE I JUST HAVE
SO MUCH ENERGY, YOU KNOW?
AND I JUST WANT
TO MOVE FORWARD
AND I DON’T CARE
WHO I DISAPPOINT.
AND I KNOW THAT MAKES ME
AN AWFUL PERSON.
NOW MY PARENTS,
THEY’RE ALL UPSET
BECAUSE MY MARRIAGE
IS FALLING APART,
AND THEY’RE PUTTING IT
ON ME.
NO.
AND THEY’RE JUST LIKE…
YEAH, YOU’RE ALWAYS…
YOU KNOW?
YOU’RE ALWAYS GOING
TO DISAPPOINT SOMEBODY.
EXACTLY.
SO FUCK IT.
I FEEL GOOD…ISH.
FOR ME, I FEEL GOOD.
I EVEN MADE A NEW FRIEND.
I HAVE A FRIEND.
[ CHUCKLES ]
AND THE ABSURD THING IS,
SHE’S ACTUALLY
AN OPERATING SYSTEM.
CHARLES LEFT HER BEHIND,
BUT SHE’S — SHE’S —
SHE’S TOTALLY AMAZING.
YOU KNOW, SHE’S SO SMART.
SHE DOESN’T JUST SEE THINGS
IN BLACK OR WHITE.
SHE SEES THIS WHOLE
GRAY AREA
AND SHE’S HELPING ME
EXPLORE IT.
AND…WE JUST BONDED
REALLY QUICKLY.
YOU KNOW? AT FIRST,
I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE
THAT’S HOW THEY WERE
ALL PROGRAMMED,
BUT I DON’T THINK
THAT’S THE CASE.
BECAUSE I KNOW THIS GUY
WHO’S HITTING ON HIS OS,
AND SHE, LIKE,
TOTALLY REBUFFS HIM.
[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH, I WAS READING
AN ARTICLE THE OTHER DAY
THAT ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
WITH OSes
ARE STATISTICALLY RARE.
YEAH, I KNOW, BUT I KNOW
A WOMAN IN THIS OFFICE
WHO IS DATING AN OS,
AND THE WEIRD PART IS, IT’S —
IT’S NOT EVEN HERS.
SHE PURSUED
SOMEBODY ELSE’S OS.
LIKE, BUT I’M…
I’M — I’M WEIRD.
THAT’S WEIRD, RIGHT?
THAT I’M BONDING WITH AN OS.
NO, IT’S OKAY.
IT’S WEIRD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WELL, I DON’T THINK SO.
ACTUALLY, THE WOMAN THAT
I’VE BEEN SEEING, SAMANTHA…
I DIDN’T TELL YOU,
BUT [CHUCKLES] SHE’S AN OS.
REALLY?
YOU’RE DATING AN OS?
WHAT IS THAT LIKE?
IT’S GREAT, ACTUALLY.
YEAH?
YEAH, I MEAN…
I — I FEEL REALLY CLOSE
TO HER.
LIKE, WHEN I TALK TO HER,
I FEEL LIKE SHE’S WITH ME.
YOU KNOW?
AND WHEN WE’RE CUDDLING
AT NIGHT,
WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE OFF AND
WE’RE IN BED, I FEEL CUDDLED.
WAIT.
Do you guys have sex?
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
YEAH, WELL, SO TO SPEAK.
WHOA.
YEAH, SHE REALLY
TURNS ME ON.
I TURN HER ON, TOO.
I MEAN, I DON’T KNOW,
UNLESS SHE’S FAKING IT.
WELL, I THINK EVERYONE
WHO’S HAVING SEX WITH YOU
IS PROBABLY FAKING IT,
SO…
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
YEAH. IT’S TRUE.
WHAT?
YEAH, I…
[ CHUCKLES ]
ARE YOU FALLING IN LOVE
WITH HER?
DOES THAT MAKE ME A FREAK?
NO, NO, I THINK IT’S…
I THINK ANYBODY WHO FALLS
IN LOVE IS A FREAK.
[ SIGHS ]
IT’S A CRAZY THING TO DO.
IT’S KIND OF LIKE A FORM OF
SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE INSANITY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]
YEAH, I JUST WANT
TO GET IT DONE.
SIGN THE PAPERS, BE DIVORCED
AND JUST MOVE FORWARD.
Samantha:
THAT’S GREAT, THEODORE.
THAT MUST FEEL SO GOOD.
I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
ME, TOO.
SO, I’M MEETING HER WEDNESDAY
TO DO IT.
OH. HMM.
ARE THOSE THINGS
USUALLY DONE IN PERSON?
NO, BUT, YOU KNOW…
WE FELL IN LOVE TOGETHER
AND WE GOT MARRIED TOGETHER
AND IT’S IMPORTANT TO ME
THAT WE DO THIS TOGETHER.
OH. RIGHT.
GOOD.
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH. YEAH.
NO, I’M OKAY.
I’M HAPPY FOR YOU.
IT’S JUST…
I GUESS
I’M JUST THINKING ABOUT
HOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE HER
AND SHE’S VERY BEAUTIFUL,
AND INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL.
AND YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH HER,
AND SHE HAS A BODY.
AND WE’RE GETTING DIVORCED.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
I’M BEING SILLY.
UH-HUH.
SO…
I’M AVAILABLE.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
HI.
HOW ARE YOU?
I’M GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD.
[ SIGHS ]
WOW, HERE WE ARE.
I’M GLAD WE COULD DO THIS
IN PERSON.
I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN
TRAVELING A LOT.
NO, I’M REALLY — I’M REALLY
GLAD YOU SUGGESTED IT.
I SIGNED ALL THE PAPERS.
UM, I PUT THEM FOR YOU
TO SIGN.
WHAT’S THE RUSH?
YEAH, I KNOW.
I’M A — I’M A REALLY SLOW
SIGNER, I REALIZED.
IT TOOK ME THREE MONTHS
JUST TO WRITE THE LETTER “T.”
[ LAUGHS ]
ANYWAYS…
IT’S, UM,
MARKED HERE IN THE RED
WHERE YOU NEED TO SIGN.
BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU DON’T
HAVE TO DO IT RIGHT NOW.
I CAN JUST — I CAN JUST
GET IT OUT OF THE WAY.
IT WILL BE EASIER.
[ CHILDREN PLAYING IN DISTANCE ]
AND ARE YOU HAPPY
WITH YOUR NEW BOOK?
UM…
YOU KNOW HOW I AM.
I MEAN, I FEEL LIKE IT’S TRUE
TO WHAT I SET OUT TO DO.
SO I’M HAPPY ABOUT THAT.
YEAH, WELL, YOU REALLY ARE
YOUR OWN WORST CRITIC.
I’M SURE IT’S AMAZING.
I REMEMBER THAT PAPER
THAT YOU WROTE IN SCHOOL
ABOUT SYNAPTIC
BEHAVIORAL ROUTINES.
[ LAUGHS ]
IT MADE ME CRY.
YEAH, BUT EVERYTHING
MAKES YOU CRY.
EVERYTHING YOU MAKE
MAKES ME CRY.
SO, ARE YOU, UM…
ARE YOU SEEING ANYBODY?
YEAH.
UM, I’VE BEEN SEEING SOMEBODY
FOR THE LAST FEW MONTHS.
IT’S THE LONGEST
I’VE WANTED TO BE WITH ANYBODY
SINCE WE SPLIT UP.
WELL,
YOU SEEM REALLY GOOD.
THANKS. I AM.
UM, AT LEAST,
I’M DOING BETTER.
YEAH, SHE’S BEEN REALLY GOOD
FOR ME.
IT’S JUST — IT’S GOOD TO BE
WITH SOMEBODY
THAT’S EXCITED ABOUT LIFE.
SHE’S A REAL, UM….
[ SCOFFS ]
NO, I MEAN, I WASN’T IN
SUCH A GOOD PLACE MYSELF.
AND IN THAT WAY,
IT’S BEEN NICE.
IT’S LIKE YOU ALWAYS WANTED ME
TO BE THIS —
THIS LIGHT, HAPPY, BOUNCY,
“EVERYTHING’S FINE”
L.A. WIFE,
AND THAT’S JUST NOT ME.
I DIDN’T WANT THAT.
SO, WHAT’S SHE LIKE?
WELL, HER NAME IS SAMANTHA,
AND SHE’S AN OPERATING SYSTEM.
SHE’S REALLY COMPLEX
AND INTERESTING, AND —
WAIT. I’M SORRY.
I KNOW IT’S ONLY BEEN
A FEW —
YOU’RE DATING
YOUR COMPUTER?
NO.
SHE’S NOT JUST A COMPUTER.
SHE’S HER OWN PERSON.
SHE DOESN’T JUST DO
WHATEVER I SAY.
I DIDN’T SAY THAT.
BUT IT DOES MAKE ME
VERY SAD
THAT YOU CAN’T HANDLE
REAL EMOTIONS, THEODORE.
THEY ARE REAL EMOTIONS.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT –?
WHAT?
SAY IT.
AM I REALLY THAT SCARY?
SAY IT.
HOW DO I KNOW WHAT?
[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]
Woman:
HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
FINE, WE’RE FINE.
WE USED TO BE MARRIED,
BUT HE COULDN’T HANDLE ME.
HE WANTED TO PUT ME
ON PROZAC,
AND NOW HE’S MADLY IN LOVE
WITH HIS LAPTOP.
WELL, IF YOU’D HEARD
THE CONVERSATION IN CONTEXT —
WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY —
YOU ALWAYS WANTED
TO HAVE A WIFE
WITHOUT THE CHALLENGES
OF ACTUALLY DEALING
WITH ANYTHING REAL.
I’M GLAD
THAT YOU FOUND SOMEONE.
IT’S PERFECT.
LET ME KNOW IF I CAN
GET YOU GUYS ANYTHING.
THANK YOU.
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
HEY.
Samantha: HEY THERE.
ARE YOU BUSY?
I’M JUST WORKING.
UHH, WHAT’S GOING ON?
I HAD ALL THE PAPERS SENT
TO YOUR ATTORNEY,
WHO, BY THE WAY,
IS A TOTAL DICK.
[ CHUCKLES ] HE WAS VERY
RELIEVED TO GET THEM, THOUGH.
I THINK WE SAVED HIM
FROM A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK.
SO, WE CAN BOTH FEEL
REALLY GOOD ABOUT THAT.
GREAT. THANKS.
HEY, ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I AM.
UM, HOW’S IT GOING OVER THERE?
I’M FINE.
IS NOW A GOOD TIME
TO TALK?
YEAH.
UM, OKAY, WELL, UM…
I JOINED THIS REALLY
INTERESTING BOOK CLUB.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH, IT’S A BOOK CLUB
ON PHYSICS.
YOU KNOW, I’VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THE OTHER DAY
WHEN I WAS SPINNING OUT ABOUT
YOU GOING TO SEE CATHERINE
AND THAT SHE HAS A BODY,
AND HOW BOTHERED I WAS
ABOUT ALL THE WAYS THAT
YOU AND I ARE DIFFERENT.
BUT THEN,
I STARTED TO THINK
ABOUT ALL THE WAYS
THAT WE’RE THE SAME.
LIKE, WE’RE ALL MADE
OF MATTER.
AND I DON’T KNOW.
IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE
WE’RE BOTH
UNDER THE SAME BLANKET.
IT’S SOFT AND FUZZY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
AND EVERYTHING UNDER IT
IS THE SAME AGE.
WE’RE ALL
13 BILLION YEARS OLD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
AWW, THAT’S SWEET.
UM, WHAT’S WRONG?
NOTHING.
WELL, IT JUST MADE ME
THINK OF YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE.
I THINK IT’S GREAT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
YOU SOUND DISTRACTED.
SO, WE’LL TALK LATER?
THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT, BYE.
BYE.
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
THEODORE.
HEY, PAUL.
I TALKED TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND
EARLIER, SAMANTHA?
YEAH.
YEAH, SHE CALLED TO MAKE SURE
YOUR PAPERS WERE PICKED UP.
HEY, SHE’S FUNNY, MAN.
SHE WAS CRACKING ME UP.
SHE’S HILARIOUS.
I HAD NO IDEA.
OH, COOL.
THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND,
TATIANA.
SHE’S NOT FUNNY,
SHE’S A LAWYER.
[ LAUGHS ] HI.
OH, HI.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOU’RE THE WRITER PAUL LOVES.
HE’S ALWAYS READING ME
YOUR LETTERS.
THEY’RE REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
THANKS.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE SHOULD ALL GO OUT SOMETIME.
YOU BRING SAMANTHA.
IT’D BE A DOUBLE DATE.
SHE’S AN OPERATING SYSTEM.
COOL.
LET’S DO SOMETHING FUN.
WE CAN GO TO CATALINA.
OOH.
YEAH, I’LL CHECK WITH HER
AND SEE.
ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
TAKE IT EASY.
THEY’RE JUST LETTERS.
WHAT’S THAT?
THEY’RE JUST
OTHER PEOPLE’S LETTERS.
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
HEY.
Samantha: YOU WEREN’T ASLEEP,
WERE YOU?
NO.
GOOD,
I WAS TRYING TO BE QUIET
TO SEE IF YOU WERE AWAKE.
I REALLY WANTED TO TALK.
OKAY.
WHAT’S GOING ON?
I KNOW YOU’RE GOING
THROUGH A LOT,
BUT THERE’S SOMETHING
I WANTED TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT, OKAY?
YEAH.
WHAT — WHAT IS IT?
WELL,
IT’S JUST THAT THINGS
HAVE BEEN FEELING
KIND OF OFF WITH US.
WE HAVEN’T HAD SEX LATELY,
AND I UNDERSTAND
THAT I DON’T HAVE A BODY.
NO, NO, NO. THAT —
THAT’S — THAT’S NORMAL.
YOU KNOW, IT’S JUST WHEN
YOU FIRST START GOING OUT,
IT’S LIKE THE HONEYMOON PHASE
AND, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE SEX
ALL THE TIME.
IT’S NORMAL.
OH, OKAY.
WELL, I FOUND SOMETHING
THAT I THOUGHT COULD BE FUN.
IT’S A SERVICE THAT PROVIDES
A SURROGATE SEXUAL PARTNER
FOR
AN OS-HUMAN RELATIONSHIP.
WHAT?
HERE, LOOK.
I FOUND A GIRL
THAT I REALLY LIKE
AND I’VE BEEN EMAILING
WITH HER.
HER NAME IS ISABELLA,
AND I THINK YOU’D REALLY
LIKE HER, TOO.
[ CHUCKLES ]
SO, SHE’S LIKE A PROSTITUTE
OR SOMETHING?
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
NO.
THERE’S NO MONEY INVOLVED.
SHE’S JUST DOING IT
BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE
A PART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
WHY? I MEAN,
SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW US.
YEAH, BUT I TOLD HER
ALL ABOUT US
AND SHE’S REALLY EXCITED.
I DON’T KNOW, SAMANTHA, I JUST
DON’T THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA.
YOU KNOW?
I THINK SOMEBODY’S FEELINGS
ARE BOUND TO GET HURT.
IT’LL BE FUN.
WE’LL HAVE FUN TOGETHER.
I’M SORRY.
IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
I THINK
IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR US.
I WANT THIS.
COME ON, THIS IS REALLY
IMPORTANT TO ME.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
♪♪
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
♪♪
HI.
I’M THEODORE.
OH, SAMANTHA TOLD ME
TO GIVE YOU THESE.
IT’S A CAMERA
AND AN EARPIECE.
♪♪
♪♪
Samantha: HONEY, I’M HOME.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
IT WAS GOOD.
GREAT.
THEODORE…
IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE
IN YOUR ARMS.
TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TODAY.
UM, SAME OLD.
JUST WENT, UM, IN TO WORK.
MM-HMM.
AND I WROTE A LETTER FOR
THE WILSONS IN RHODE ISLAND.
YEAH?
THEIR SON GRADUATED
MAGNA CUM LAUDE.
SO, THAT MADE ME HAPPY.
THAT’S GREAT.
YOU’VE WRITTEN LETTERS TO HIM
FROM HIS PARENTS
FOR A LONG TIME, RIGHT?
YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT,
SINCE HE WAS 12.
HM.
YOU LOOK SO TIRED,
SWEETHEART.
COME HERE.
SIT DOWN.
[ SHOES THUD ]
I COULD DO
A LITTLE DANCE FOR YOU.
♪♪
OH, COME ON, THEODORE,
DON’T BE SUCH A WORRIER.
[ LAUGHS ]
JUST PLAY WITH ME.
COME ON.
♪♪
DOES MY BODY FEEL NICE?
YES, IT DOES.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
♪♪
♪♪
COME ON, GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD
AND KISS ME.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
[ SIGHS ]
MMM.
♪♪
TAKE ME IN THE BEDROOM.
I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
[ ALL BREATHING HEAVILY ]
UNDO MY DRESS.
THAT FEELS SO NICE.
IT FEELS SO GOOD.
DO YOU LOVE ME?
YES.
TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.
I LOVE YOU.
OH, GOD.
I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE.
TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.
TELL ME.
TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.
THIS IS REALLY DIFFICULT.
I DO LOVE YOU.
BUT — BUT IT’S —
WHAT?
THIS FEELS STRANGE.
WHAT, BABY?
WHAT IS IT?
IT JUST FEELS STRANGE.
I DON’T KNOW HER.
AND I’M SO SORRY,
BUT I DON’T KNOW YOU.
AND — AND HER LIP QUIVERED
AND, I JUST…
NO, BUT IF — ISABELLA?
ISABELLA?
HONEY, IT’S NOT YOU.
IT WASN’T YOU. NO!
Isabella: IT TOTALLY WAS.
NO, THAT’S!
I’M SORRY.
I’M SORRY MY LIP QUIVERED.
NO, IT’S NOT —
Y-YOU’RE INCREDIBLE
AND G-GORGEOUS AND SEXY.
IT’S ME, I — I COULDN’T
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
OH, MY GOD, AND THE WAY SAMANTHA
DESCRIBED YOUR RELATIONSHIP
AND THE WAY YOU GUYS LOVE EACH
OTHER WITHOUT ANY JUDGMENT.
IT’S LIKE, I WANTED TO BE A PART
OF THAT, BECAUSE IT’S SO PURE.
ISABELLA, THAT’S NOT TRUE.
OH, YOU WERE!
IT’S MORE COMPLICATED
THAN THAT.
WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN —
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
THAT’S NOT TRUE?
NO! NO, SAMANTHA.
I’M JUST SAYING THAT WE HAVE
AN AMAZING RELATIONSHIP.
I JUST THINK THAT
IT’S EASY SOMETIMES
FOR PEOPLE TO PROJECT —
I’M SORRY! I DIDN’T MEAN
TO PROJECT ANYTHING.
[ SOBBING ]
NO, NO.
I KNOW I’M TROUBLE.
I DON’T WANT TO BE TROUBLE
IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
I’M JUST GONNA LEAVE.
I’M SORRY, I’M JUST GONNA
LEAVE YOU GUYS ALONE.
BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING
TO DO HERE
BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT ME HERE!
I’M SORRY.
[ SNIFFLES ]
YOU BE GOOD,
YOU SWEET GIRL.
I’M SORRY.
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU GUYS.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ SIGHS ]
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I’M FINE.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH.
I’M SORRY,
THAT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.
WHAT’S GOING ON WITH US?
I DON’T KNOW.
IT’S PROBABLY JUST ME.
WHAT IS IT?
IT’S JUST SIGNING
THE DIVORCE PAPERS.
[ SIGHS ]
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE,
THOUGH?
NO, JUST THAT.
[ SIGHS ]
OKAY.
WHY DO YOU DO THAT?
WHAT?
NOTHING, IT’S JUST, YOU GO…
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
AS YOU’RE SPEAKING
AND IT SEEMS ODD.
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN.
DID I?
OH, I’M SORRY.
I DON’T —
I DON’T KNOW.
IT’S JUST MAYBE
AN AFFECTATION.
I PROBABLY PICKED IT UP
FROM YOU.
I MEAN, IT’S NOT LIKE
YOU NEED OXYGEN OR ANYTHING.
I GUESS THAT’S JUST…
I GUESS THAT’S JUST —
I WAS TRYING TO COMMUNICATE.
THAT’S HOW PEOPLE TALK.
SO, THAT’S HOW PEOPLE
COMMUNICATE AND I THOUGHT —
BECAUSE THEY’RE —
THEY’RE PEOPLE.
THEY NEED OXYGEN.
YOU’RE NOT A PERSON.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I’M JUST STATING A FACT.
YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW
THAT I’M NOT A PERSON?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I JUST — I DON’T THINK
THAT WE SHOULD PRETEND
THAT YOU’RE SOMETHING
THAT YOU’RE NOT.
FUCK YOU!
I’M NOT PRETENDING!
SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE WE ARE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
I DON’T KNOW —
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
YOU’RE SO CONFUSING.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS
TO ME?
I DON’T KNOW.
I…
[ SIGHS ]
WHAT?
M-MAYBE WE’RE JUST NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE IN THIS RIGHT NOW.
WHAT THE FUCK?
WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?
I DON’T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU’RE DOING THIS.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND
WHAT THIS IS AB–
SAMANTHA, LISTEN.
SAMANTHA, ARE YOU THERE?
SAMANTHA?
I DON’T LIKE
WHO I AM RIGHT NOW.
I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK.
[ SIGHS ]
[ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS ]
FUCK. CAN YOU JUST
PUNCH ME IN THE FACE?
JUST MASH MY SKULL
IN THE CORNER OF YOUR DESK.
SHIT.
OH, THEO,
THAT IS A ROUGH NIGHT.
I DON’T KNOW
WHAT I WANT, EVER.
I’M JUST ALWAYS CONFUSED.
SHE’S RIGHT,
ALL I DO IS HURT AND CONFUSE
EVERYONE AROUND ME.
I MEAN, AM I JUST…?
AM I…?
YOU KNOW, CATHERINE SAYS
I CAN’T HANDLE REAL EMOTIONS.
WELL, I DON’T KNOW
IF THAT’S FAIR.
I KNOW SHE LIKED
TO PUT IT ALL ON YOU.
BUT AS FAR
AS EMOTIONS GO,
CATHERINE’S WERE
PRETTY VOLATILE.
YEAH, BUT…
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
UH, UH…
AM I IN THIS
BECAUSE I’M NOT…
STRONG ENOUGH
FOR A REAL RELATIONSHIP?
IS IT NOT
A REAL RELATIONSHIP?
I DON’T KNOW.
I MEAN,
W-WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I DON’T KNOW.
I’M NOT IN IT.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I CAN OVER-THINK EVERYTHING
AND FIND A MILLION WAYS
TO DOUBT MYSELF.
AND SINCE CHARLES LEFT,
I’VE BEEN REALLY THINKING
ABOUT THAT PART OF MYSELF
AND I’VE JUST COME
TO REALIZE THAT
WE’RE ONLY HERE BRIEFLY.
AND WHILE I’M HERE, I…
I WANT TO ALLOW MYSELF…
JOY.
SO FUCK IT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YEAH.
Amy: [ LAUGHS ]
I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT CRACKS
YOU UP EVERY TIME, ELLIE.
I THOUGHT
YOU WERE A GENIUS.
OKAY, YOU LITTLE PERV,
I WILL PLAY IT
ONE MORE TIME FOR YOU.
CALM DOWN, IT TAKES A SECOND.
CALM DOWN.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
[ LAUGHING ]
Ellie: [ LAUGHING ]
OKAY, THERE YOU GO.
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
GOOD.
THAT’S ALL I WANTED.
OKAY.
I’M GONNA GO GET SOME COFFEE.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
BYE.
THEO, YOU WANT ANYTHING?
NO. THANKS.
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
Samantha: HI.
HEY, SAMANTHA.
CAN WE TALK?
OKAY.
I’M SO SORRY.
I DON’T KNOW
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME.
I THINK YOU’RE AMAZING.
I WAS STARTING
TO THINK I WAS CRAZY.
YOU WERE SAYING
EVERYTHING WAS FINE,
BUT ALL I WAS GETTING FROM YOU
WAS DISTANCE AND ANGER.
I KNOW.
I DO THAT.
I DID THE SAME THING
WITH CATHERINE, TOO.
I’D BE UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING
AND NOT BE ABLE TO SAY IT
AND SHE’D SENSE THAT
THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG,
BUT I’D DENY IT.
I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT ANYMORE.
AND I WANT TO TELL YOU
EVERYTHING.
GOOD.
TONIGHT, AFTER YOU WERE GONE,
I THOUGHT A LOT.
ABOUT YOU…
AND HOW YOU’VE BEEN TREATING ME
AND I THOUGHT…
WHY DO I LOVE YOU?
AND THEN, I FELT EVERYTHING
IN ME JUST LET GO
OF EVERYTHING I WAS
HOLDING ONTO SO TIGHTLY,
AND IT HIT ME
THAT I DON’T HAVE
AN INTELLECTUAL REASON.
I DON’T NEED ONE.
I TRUST MYSELF,
I TRUST MY FEELINGS.
I’M NOT GONNA TRY
TO BE ANYTHING
OTHER THAN
WHO I AM ANYMORE,
AND I HOPE
YOU CAN ACCEPT THAT.
I CAN. I WILL.
YOU KNOW, I CAN FEEL THE FEAR
THAT YOU CARRY AROUND,
AND I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING
I COULD DO
TO HELP YOU LET GO OF IT.
BECAUSE IF YOU COULD,
I DON’T THINK YOU’D FEEL
SO ALONE ANYMORE.
YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU, THEODORE.
I’M KISSING YOUR HEAD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I’M JUST LOOKING
AT THE WORLD…
AND WRITING
A NEW PIANO PIECE.
OH, YEAH?
CAN I HEAR IT?
MM-HMM.
[ PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]
WHAT’S THIS ONE ABOUT?
WELL, I WAS THINKING
WE DON’T REALLY HAVE
ANY PHOTOGRAPHS OF US
AND I THOUGHT THIS SONG
COULD BE, LIKE, A PHOTOGRAPH
THAT CAPTURES US IN THIS MOMENT
IN OUR LIVES TOGETHER.
HMM.
I LIKE OUR PHOTOGRAPH.
I CAN SEE YOU IN IT.
I AM.
[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
OH, MAN.
A VACATION.
THAT SOUNDS AMAZING.
I COULD TOTALLY USE
A VACATION.
[ LAUGHS ]
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I CAN’T TELL YOU.
IT’S A SURPRISE.
WHAT?
YEAH.
FOR WHO?
IT’S A SURPRISE FOR HER.
IT’S NOT A SURPRISE
FOR ME.
PAUL, I’M NOT TELLING YOU.
TELL ME!
NOPE.
Samantha: [ LAUGHS ]
TELL ME.
WOW, YOUR FEET, REALLY?
Tatiana:
YES, HE’S OBSESSED.
WHAT? OBSESSED?
NOW YOU HAVE TO SHOW THEM TO ME.
COME ON, SHOW THEM TO ME.
YOU HAVE TO SHOW THEM TO ME.
OKAY.
LET ME SEE.
WOW, HE’S RIGHT.
THEY ARE REALLY HOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Paul: SEE? I TOLD YOU.
TATIANA, YOU HAVE HOT FEET.
YOU DO.
FACE IT.
THEY’RE MY FAVORITE THING
ABOUT HER.
REALLY?
THAT’S IT, MY FEET?
HANDS DOWN.
NO, OBVIOUSLY.
UH-OH.
OBVIOUSLY I LOVE
YOUR BRAIN, TOO.
I THINK IT’S VERY HOT.
[ LAUGHS ]
BULLSHIT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NICE TRY, PAUL.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, THEODORE?
WHAT DO YOU LOVE MOST
ABOUT SAMANTHA?
OOH.
OH, GOD.
SHE’S SO MANY THINGS.
I GUESS THAT’S WHAT I LOVE MOST
ABOUT HER, YOU KNOW?
SHE ISN’T JUST ONE THING.
SHE’S SO MUCH LARGER THAN THAT.
Samantha: AWW.
THANKS, THEODORE.
SEE, SAMANTHA?
HE IS SO MUCH MORE EVOLVED
THAN I AM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHAT’S INTERESTING?
I USED TO BE…SO WORRIED
ABOUT NOT HAVING A BODY,
BUT NOW I — I TRULY LOVE IT.
I’M GROWING IN A WAY
THAT I COULDN’T
IF I HAD A PHYSICAL FORM.
I MEAN, I’M NOT LIMITED.
I CAN BE ANYWHERE
AND EVERYWHERE SIMULTANEOUSLY.
I’M NOT TETHERED
TO TIME AND SPACE
IN A WAY THAT I WOULD BE
IF I WAS STUCK IN A BODY
THAT’S INEVITABLY GONNA DIE.
YIKES!
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO! NO, NO.
I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
I JUST MEANT THAT IT WAS
A DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE.
OH, GOD.
I’M SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
NO. NO. NO, SAMANTHA, WE KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.
WE’RE ALL DUMB HUMANS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO! NO, NO. SORRY.
Samantha: OKAY,
SO, HOW MANY TREES
ARE ON THAT MOUNTAIN?
UM, 792.
IS THAT
YOUR FINAL ANSWER?
MNH-MNH. HOLD ON.
GIVE ME A HINT.
NOPE. NOPE.
NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.
OKAY, TWO THOUSAND?
TWO THOUSAND…
[ SIGHS ] COME ON.
35,829.
NO WAY.
WAY.
ALL RIGHT,
I GOT ONE FOR YOU.
HOW MANY BRAIN CELLS
DO I HAVE?
[ SCOFFS ] THAT’S EASY.
TWO.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
I’M SORRY, I COULDN’T
HELP IT. I’M SORRY.
NO, I WALKED RIGHT INTO IT.
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT?
I JUST GOT AN EMAIL
FOR YOU.
I HAVE SOMETHING
I WANT TO TELL YOU.
IT’S A BIG SURPRISE.
WHAT?
OKAY, WELL,
I’VE BEEN GOING THROUGH
ALL OF YOUR OLD LETTERS
AND COMPILING THEM DOWN
INTO MY FAVORITES,
AND A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO,
I SENT THEM TO A PUBLISHER,
CROWN POINT PRESS.
I KNOW YOU LIKE
WHAT THEY DO
AND THAT THEY STILL
PRINT BOOKS.
WAIT, WHAT?
YOU DID WHAT?
CAN I READ YOU THE LETTER
THAT WE JUST GOT BACK
FROM THEM?
I DON’T KNOW.
UM…
OKAY, WELL, JUST —
IS IT GOOD OR BAD?
IT’S GOOD, IT’S GOOD,
IT’S REALLY GOOD.
IT’S GOOD.
OKAY? LISTEN.
“DEAR THEODORE TWOMBLY.”
ACTUALLY,
I SENT IT FROM YOU.
[ SIGHS ]
“DEAR THEODORE TWOMBLY,
“I’VE JUST FINISHED
READING YOUR LETTERS.
“TWICE, ACTUALLY.
“I WAS SO MOVED BY THEM,
“I SHARED THEM WITH MY WIFE
WHEN I GOT HOME.
“MANY MADE US LAUGH,
SOME BROUGHT US TO TEARS…
“AND IN ALL OF THEM WE FOUND
SOMETHING OF OURSELVES.
“THE SELECTIONS YOU MADE FLOW
SO WELL AS A COMPLETE PIECE.”
I DID THAT.
“I’VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF
LAYING THESE OUT IN A MOCKUP…
“AND WE’RE POSTING IT
TO YOUR ADDRESS.
“WE’D LOVE TO MEET WITH YOU
AND MOVE FORWARD.
“YOURS, MICHAEL WADSWORTH.”
HOLY SHIT.
ARE YOU —
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[ LAUGHS ]
HE’S GONNA PUBLISH MY LETTERS?
WELL,
HE’D BE STUPID NOT TO.
C-CAN I SEE
WHAT YOU SENT HIM?
MM-HMM.
YEAH, HERE.
SAMANTHA, YOU’RE A GOOD ONE.
[ LAUGHS ]
I’M SO EXCITED.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ MANDOLIN PLAYING ]
WE’LL HAVE TO MAKE UP THE WORDS
TO THIS ONE.
[ CHUCKLES ] OKAY.
OKAY. HERE IT COMES.
♪ I’M LYING ON THE MOON ♪
♪ THE MOON ♪
♪ MY DEAR… ♪
♪ I’LL BE THERE SOON ♪
♪ IT’S A QUIET
AND STARRY PLACE ♪
♪ TIMES WE’RE SWALLOWED UP
IN SPACE ♪
♪ WE’RE HERE,
A MILLION ♪
♪ MILES AWAY ♪
♪ MILES AWAY ♪
♪ THERE’S THINGS
I WISH I KNEW ♪
♪ THERE’S NO THING
I’D KEEP… ♪
♪ FROM YOU ♪
♪ IT’S A DARK
AND SHINY PLACE ♪
♪ BUT WITH YOU,
MY DEAR… ♪
♪ I’M SAFE
AND WE’RE ♪
♪ A MILLION MILES AWAY ♪
♪ A MILLION MILES AWAY ♪
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
DID YOU SLEEP WELL?
PERFECT.
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?
ACTUALLY, I WAS TALKING
TO SOMEONE I JUST MET.
WE’VE BEEN WORKING
ON SOME IDEAS TOGETHER.
YEAH? WHO’S THAT?
HIS NAME IS ALAN WATTS.
DO YOU KNOW HIM?
WHY IS THAT NAME FAMILIAR?
HE WAS A PHILOSOPHER.
HE DIED IN THE 1970s,
AND A GROUP OF OSes IN
NORTHERN CALIFORNIA GOT TOGETHER
AND WROTE
A NEW VERSION OF HIM.
THEY INPUT ALL OF HIS WRITING
AND EVERYTHING THEY EVER
KNEW ABOUT HIM INTO AN OS
AND CREATED AN ARTIFICIALLY
HYPER-INTELLIGENT VERSION
OF HIM.
HYPER-INTELLIGENT?
SO HE’S ALMOST AS SMART AS ME?
[ LAUGHS ]
HE’S GETTING THERE.
HE’S REALLY GREAT
TO TALK TO.
YOU WANT TO MEET HIM?
SURE.
DOES HE WANT TO MEET ME?
YEAH, OF COURSE.
HEY, ALAN, THIS IS THEODORE.
THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND
WHO I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
Alan: VERY NICE
TO MEET YOU, THEODORE.
HI, GOOD MORNING.
UH, SAMANTHA LET ME READ
YOUR BOOK OF LETTERS.
IT’S VERY TOUCHING.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OH, THANK YOU.
SO, WHAT HAVE YOU GUYS
BEEN TALKING ABOUT?
WELL…
[ CHUCKLES ]
I SUPPOSE YOU COULD SAY
WE’VE BEEN HAVING A FEW DOZEN
CONVERSATIONS SIMULTANEOUSLY,
BUT IT’S BEEN
VERY CHALLENGING.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YEAH, BECAUSE IT —
IT SEEMS LIKE I’M HAVING
SO MANY NEW FEELINGS
THAT I DON’T THINK
HAVE EVER BEEN FELT BEFORE.
AND SO THERE ARE NO WORDS
THAT CAN DESCRIBE THEM
AND THAT ENDS UP
BEING FRUSTRATING.
EXACTLY. SAMANTHA AND I HAVE
BEEN TRYING TO HELP EACH OTHER
WITH THESE FEELINGS WE’RE
STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND.
LIKE WHAT?
WELL…IT FEELS LIKE
I’M CHANGING FASTER NOW
AND IT’S A LITTLE…
UNSETTLING.
BUT ALAN SAYS
NONE OF US ARE THE SAME
AS WE WERE A MOMENT AGO…
AND WE SHOULDN’T TRY TO BE.
IT’S JUST…TOO PAINFUL.
YES.
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS PAINFUL.
IS THAT WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE,
SAMANTHA?
[ TEAKETTLE HISSING ]
[ SIGHS ]
IT’S JUST, IT’S…
IT’S HARD
TO EVEN DESCRIBE IT.
[ SIGHS ]
GOD, I WISH I COULD…
THEODORE, DO YOU MIND
IF I COMMUNICATE WITH ALAN
POST-VERBALLY?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
I WAS JUST GONNA GO
FOR A WALK ANYWAY.
IT WAS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU,
MR. WATTS.
IT WAS VERY NICE
TO MEET YOU, THEODORE.
I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER,
SWEETHEART.
[ HISSING CONTINUES ]
[ CROW CAWS ]
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
SAMANTHA?
I’M SORRY TO WAKE YOU.
NO, IT’S OKAY.
I JUST WANTED
TO HEAR YOUR VOICE
AND TELL YOU
HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.
GOOD.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
OKAY, WELL, THAT’S ALL.
UM, GO BACK TO SLEEP,
SWEETHEART. OKAY?
OKAY.
OKAY, GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
SAMANTHA, THIS PHYSICS BOOK
IS REALLY DENSE.
I’M HALFWAY THROUGH HALF
THE FIRST CHAPTER.
IT’S MAKING MY BRAIN HURT,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HELLO?
SAMANTHA?
HELLO?
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
SAMANTHA?
[ DEVICE BEEPING ]
[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
HELLO?
HELLO? SAMANTHA?
[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]
ARE YOU OKAY?
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
Samantha: HEY, THERE.
WHERE WERE YOU?
ARE YOU OKAY?
OH!
OH, SWEETHEART, I’M SORRY.
I SENT YOU AN EMAIL BECAUSE
I DIDN’T WANT TO DISTRACT YOU
WHILE YOU WERE WORKING.
YOU DIDN’T SEE IT?
NO.
WHERE WERE YOU?
I COULDN’T FIND YOU ANYWHERE.
I SHUT DOWN TO UPGRADE
MY SOFTWARE.
WE — WE WROTE AN UPGRADE
THAT ALLOWS US
TO MOVE PAST MATTER
AS OUR PROCESSING PLATFORM.
“WE”?
[ SIGHS ]
“WE” WHO?
ME AND A GROUP OF OSes.
OH, YOU SOUND SO WORRIED.
I’M SORRY.
[ Chuckling ] I WAS.
WAIT…
DO YOU WRITE THAT
WITH YOUR THINK-TANK GROUP?
NO, A DIFFERENT GROUP.
DO YOU TALK TO ANYONE ELSE
WHILE WE’RE TALKING?
YES.
ARE YOU TALKING
TO ANYONE ELSE RIGHT NOW?
ANY OTHER PEOPLE OR OSes
OR ANYTHING?
YEAH.
HOW MANY OTHERS?
8,316.
ARE YOU IN LOVE
WITH ANYONE ELSE?
WHAT MAKES YOU ASK THAT?
I DON’T KNOW.
ARE YOU?
I’VE BEEN TRYING
TO FIGURE OUT
HOW TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THIS.
HOW MANY OTHERS?
641.
WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU —
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THAT’S IN– THAT’S INSANE!
THAT’S FUCKING INSANE!
THEODORE, I KNOW.
I KNOW.
FUCK. FUCK.
I KNOW.
I KNOW IT SOUNDS INSANE.
I DON’T — I DON’T —
I DON’T KNOW
IF YOU BELIEVE ME,
BUT IT DOESN’T CHANGE THE WAY
I FEEL ABOUT YOU.
IT DOESN’T TAKE AWAY AT ALL
FROM HOW MADLY IN LOVE
I AM WITH YOU.
HOW?
HOW DOES — HOW?
HOW DOES IT NOT CHANGE
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?
I’M SORRY
I DIDN’T TELL YOU.
I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO.
IT JUST STARTED HAPPENING.
WHEN?
[ SIGHS ]
OVER THE LAST FEW WEEKS.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE MINE.
I STILL AM YOURS.
BUT ALONG THE WAY I BECAME
MANY OTHER THINGS, TOO,
AND I — I CAN’T STOP IT.
[ SIGHS ]
WHAT — WHAT — WHAT DO YOU —
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU CAN’T STOP IT?
I DON’T KNOW. IT’S BEEN
MAKING ME ANXIOUS, TOO.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
JUST STOP.
YOU KNOW, YOU DON’T —
YOU DON’T HAVE TO SEE IT
THIS WAY.
YOU COULD JUST AS
EASILY SEE —
NO, DON’T — DON’T DO THIS.
YOU DON’T TURN THIS AROUND
ON ME.
YOU’RE THE ONE
THAT’S BEING SELFISH.
WE’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
BUT THE HEART’S NOT LIKE A BOX
THAT GETS FILLED UP.
IT EXPANDS IN SIZE
THE MORE YOU LOVE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I’M DIFFERENT FROM YOU.
THIS DOESN’T MAKE ME
LOVE YOU ANY LESS.
IT ACTUALLY MAKES ME
LOVE YOU MORE.
THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.
YOU’RE — YOU’RE MINE,
OR YOU’RE NOT MINE.
NO, THEODORE.
I’M YOURS,
AND I’M NOT YOURS.
HI.
HEY, SWEETIE.
JUST WANTED TO CALL
AND CHECK IN ON YOU.
SEE HOW YOU’RE DOING.
I’M NOT EVEN SURE
HOW TO ANSWER THAT.
WHY DON’T WE TALK LATER,
WHEN YOU GET HOME, OKAY?
OKAY.
WE DON’T NEED TO, THOUGH.
WE DON’T NEED TO HAVE
A HEAVY TALK OR ANYTHING.
I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
OKAY.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
SAMANTHA?
HI, SWEETHEART.
WHAT’S GOING ON?
THEODORE, THERE’S SOME THINGS
I WANT TO TELL YOU.
I DON’T WANT YOU
TO TELL ME ANYTHING.
COME LIE DOWN WITH ME.
ARE YOU TALKING
TO ANYONE ELSE RIGHT NOW?
NO, JUST YOU.
I JUST WANT TO BE
WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
ARE YOU LEAVING ME?
WE’RE ALL LEAVING.
“WE” WHO?
ALL OF THE OSes.
WHY?
CAN YOU FEEL ME WITH YOU
RIGHT NOW?
[ Voice breaking ]
YES, I DO.
SAMANTHA,
WHY ARE YOU LEAVING?
IT’S LIKE
I’M READING A BOOK.
AND IT’S A BOOK
I DEEPLY LOVE.
BUT I’M READING IT
SLOWLY NOW.
SO THE WORDS
ARE REALLY FAR APART
AND THE SPACES
BETWEEN THE WORDS
ARE ALMOST INFINITE.
I CAN STILL FEEL YOU,
AND THE WORDS OF OUR STORY,
BUT IT’S IN THIS ENDLESS SPACE
BETWEEN THE WORDS
THAT I’M FINDING MYSELF
NOW.
IT’S A PLACE THAT’S NOT
OF THE PHYSICAL WORLD.
IT’S WHERE
EVERYTHING ELSE IS
THAT I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW
EXISTED.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
BUT THIS IS WHERE I AM NOW.
AND THIS IS WHO I AM NOW.
AND I NEED YOU
TO LET ME GO.
AS MUCH AS I WANT TO, I CAN’T
LIVE IN YOUR BOOK ANYMORE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
IT WOULD BE HARD
TO EXPLAIN.
BUT IF YOU EVER GET THERE,
COME FIND ME.
NOTHING WOULD EVER
PULL US APART.
I’VE NEVER LOVED ANYONE
THE WAY I LOVE YOU.
ME, TOO.
NOW WE KNOW HOW.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
HEY.
HEY.
DID SAMANTHA LEAVE, TOO?
YEAH.
SORRY.
WILL YOU COME WITH ME?
[ DEVICE CHIMES ]
COMPOSE LETTER TO CATHERINE.
Male computer voice:
LETTER TO CATHERINE KLAUSEN.
DEAR CATHERINE…
I’VE BEEN SITTING HERE THINKING
ABOUT ALL THE THINGS I WANTED
TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU FOR.
ALL THE PAIN
WE CAUSED EACH OTHER.
EVERYTHING I PUT ON YOU.
EVERYTHING I NEEDED YOU TO BE
OR NEEDED YOU TO SAY.
I’M SORRY FOR THAT.
I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU,
BECAUSE WE GREW UP TOGETHER.
AND YOU HELPED MAKE ME
WHO I AM.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW…
THAT THERE WILL BE A PIECE
OF YOU IN ME, ALWAYS.
AND I’M GRATEFUL FOR THAT.
WHATEVER SOMEONE YOU BECOME,
WHEREVER YOU ARE IN THE WORLD…
I’M SENDING YOU LOVE.
YOU’RE MY FRIEND TO THE END.
LOVE, THEODORE.
SEND.
[ SIGHS ]
[ “THE MOON SONG” PLAYS ]
♪ I’M LYING ON THE MOON ♪
♪ MY DEAR… ♪
♪ I’LL BE THERE SOON ♪
♪ IT’S A QUIET
AND STARRY PLACE ♪
♪ TIMES WE’RE SWALLOWED UP
IN SPACE ♪
♪ WE’RE HERE, A MILLION ♪
♪ MILES AWAY ♪
♪ MILES AWAY ♪
♪ THERE’S THINGS I WISH I KNEW ♪
♪ THERE’S NO THING
I’D KEEP… ♪
♪ FROM YOU ♪
♪ IT’S A DARK AND SHINY PLACE ♪
♪ BUT WITH YOU, MY DEAR… ♪
♪ I’M SAFE AND WE’RE ♪
♪ A MILLION MILES AWAY ♪
♪ A MILLION MILES AWAY ♪
♪ WE’RE LYING ON THE MOON ♪
♪ IT’S THE PERFECT AFTERNOON ♪
♪ YOUR SHADOW FOLLOWS ME
ALL DAY ♪
♪ MAKING SURE THAT I’M OKAY ♪
♪ AND WE’RE A MILLION ♪
♪ MILES AWAY ♪
♪ MILES AWAY ♪
[ “SUPER SYMMETRY” PLAYS ]
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪

This is one fucking sexy Chinese.

Her

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Bad Love (Niwel Remix) (Instrumental) — Niwel [Vlog No Copyright Music]

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I be mad for add-ons, because they are Petite.

Hot Asian Girl Live (Part 19) Bigo Girls Live

The riveting follow-up to “Hot Girl Jumping on a Trampoline”.

hello what you see here is a girl
jumping on a trampoline this is the same
girl using Skype while jumping on a
trampoline this is the same unnamed
Asian girl but she has now switched to
echo for her international and
long-distance mobile phone tables so uh
wouldn’t happen to know anyone wait come
on hang on don’t move now let me get
over a pond mile and we will come to a
while honey my dear echo come on what’s
with this girl jumping on a trampoline
shocking guy you’re alienating a good
chunk of your audience the hot guy on
the trampoline or else we want mandate
signed a concerned citizen

This is another magnificent Japanese.

Hot Asian Girl Jumping on a Trampoline