Basically I’m Gay

(sighs)
– Hello Internet.
(inhales deeply)
(dramatic suspenseful music)
– Sex!
Secrecy!
And a whole lot of internal screaming.
Starring Daniel Howell.
One of the greatest
mysteries of our generation.
What is Dan’s sexuality?
Spoiler alert. I’m not straight.
Sex, the foundation of
life and the only thing
we’re really supposed to do.
Everyone’s obsessed with it.
You bunch of degenerates.
In the list of things
that identify a person,
one of the most important
for other people to know
is their sexuality.
For, if sex is the primal force propelling
all of these humans forward by their hips,
they have to know.
Are we gonna fuck?
Or like could we?
Or are you, ’cause I’m just wondering.
Now, we live
in a heteronormative world,
(dramatic music)
which is a long scary
word that makes people
feel attacked for some reason.
Shh it’s okay.
What it means is people are
presumed to be straight.
If you’re not, then at some
point, you have to come out,
which is a whole thing.
Or people might just try and guess
based on something you
do or the way you act,
because yay stereotypes.
(lively music)
So this is something
you have to be clear on,
because if you’re not, how
are all these other people
that aren’t you going to cope?
But I’m pretty sure no one that knows me
thinks I’m straight.
So I don’t really need to come
out as much as just clarify
what the hell is going on.
As here I am at age 27
and my sexual preference
is seemingly still a vague, debatable,
confusing, impenetrable mystery.
But why?
And what is it?
Well, those are some big questions.
Are you sure you wanna know my answers?
– [Man] Yes!
– Okay, well, if you say so
’cause this is a complicated
and sensitive issue and
when it comes to me,
boy, there is a lot to unpack here
and it is a total clusterfuck.
So strap yourselves in and let me tell you
a queer little story
about a boy named Dan.
(“Handel – Messiah”)
(Singing ‘Welcome To The Black Parade)
♪ When I was a young boy ♪
♪ My father ♪
Didn’t have much time for
me because my conception
was clearly an accident and he
was a narcissistic proud man
suddenly inconvenienced
in the prime of his life
and this emotional neglect
gave me lasting problems.
Sorry that’s not all relevant right now.
I was an only child
for seven years and with working parents
this meant I had to make
my own fun
– Ah!
– so I was imaginative
– and loud which is
something that my teachers
used to say quite a lot
followed by, “However.”
(dramatic music)
Here I am age five.
Look at me.
Cute, poised, sassy,
(camera clicking)
turning out this photo
shoot like sorry, Grandma,
I stunted on this set.
Are you seeing this?
In almost every way, I
literally peaked age five.
I loved being
the center of attention.
People said I had
an infectious happiness,
– that my beaming smile
– brought them hope and joy.
– People that know me
are laughing right now.
But a boy, in the ’90s
– being happy and generally polite acting?
Sounds kinda gay
(air whooshing)
if you ask me.
Literally masculinity was
so fragile, people were
so proud and scared
and society so aggressive
that a boy smiling,
appearing to be empathetic
or in any way emoting
was seen as a threat.
How dare they laugh and feel comfortable?
They must be soft and weak
and girly and gay.
(scary noises)
So basically thanks,
Grandma, for raising me
to be a nice child, you dick.
Just kidding.
That’s a joke and I told
you not to watch this video
because it would be rude so if you send me
a disappointed text
telling me you’re offended,
I don’t know what to tell you.
Although, now I think about it,
you did make me go to church for 10 years,
which in hindsight
probably also didn’t help
♪ Hallelujah ♪
the issue here so.
But then it was time for
little Dan to go to school
and this is when it
(“I Dreamed A Dream” from Les Mis) ♪ All went wrong ♪
‘Cause it turns out most
children, evil pieces of shit.
Doesn’t matter if you try to
raise a happy innocent child,
throw that kid into school,
aka, a literal Mad Max Battle Royale
with the feral offspring
of your local community.
Yeah, that crap’ll be
undone in about two weeks.
I was six years old
running around the
playground pretending to be
Sonic the Hedgehog or something
when two brothers
come up to me aged seven and eight
with an unexplained aggressive look
in their eye.
And the younger one
pushes me to the ground,
kicks me in the stomach,
and just says, “Gay.”
(voice echoing)
(air whooshing)
This was the first time
I ever heard that word.
Well, I don’t know what the heck gay means
but apparently it means
people kick you on the floor
so that ain’t good.
I didn’t know this child
or give them any cause
to have an opinion on me.
And, actually, I never directly
interacted with them again.
What epic clustershit of failed parenting
and general culture brought
this tiny child to get angry
and attack someone, then call them gay
for looking like they
were having fun outside.
Are you okay, 1990s?
And so my relationship
with sexuality began.
(comedy slide whistle whistling)
I wasn’t looking
to define myself as a
child indiscriminately
playing doctors and nurses
with various friends
until once somebody’s mum
walked into a room
(glass shattering)
to find three fully naked children
sat on a bed sticking sellotape
to each other’s butts.
Yep, which I don’t recommend.
Also, Jesus Christ, the
poor woman that saw that.
Then you get to the
magic age around 10 or 11
where everybody suddenly wants to pretend
they’re totally a cool
teenager who’s doing
all the drugs and the sex
and the fights, totally.
Boy, gay was a really
popular word back then.
– [Boy] Uh, homework is gay.
– [Girl] Uh, my mum’s so gay.
– [Boy] Uh, you touched a girl, gay.
– This one little shit
who I won’t name was one
of the school bullies
and he loved the word gay.
He had it in for me
and I have no idea why.
You know me, Mr. Winnie
the Pooh Meets Slender Man.
Well, when I was 10 just Winnie the Pooh.
I didn’t do nothin’ to no
one ever and yet this guy
used my pacifism as a punching bag
where any group situation was
an excuse to single me out
call me gay for some reason
and then make everyone else
exclude me because they
were scared of him.
I had a girlfriend.
We dated for six whole weeks.
We kissed in a game of
spin the bottle once
by literally sucking
(gross lip smushing noises)
on each other’s faces.
Then she ended dumping
me over speakerphone
at a birthday party
(children laughing)
that everyone in my class but me
was invited to but, hey.
(dial tone humming)
I don’t know
what I was doing wrong, but at this age,
I understood one thing.
Being gay, whatever that meant,
was clearly the worst thing you could be.
On a Darwinian level, I was being told,
okay bitch, “Survival Code”.
(dramatic spy music)
Don’t be this apparently.
Evolution.
Plot twist, this bully
I think he was a bit gay
because once he asked me to
have a sleepover at his house
and I thought was me finally
getting socially accepted
only for him in the middle of the night
to come up and ask me,
“So who’s going to be
the boy and the girl?”
I was an innocent smol bean
who didn’t really understand
what he meant because, to be honest,
I didn’t actually understand
get how babies were made yet.
But needless to say I
think he was disappointed.
Wow, closeted child turns
into homophobic bully.
Thanks again society.
(sarcastic lively music)
(people cheering)
But this whole
primary school journey was
really just an amuse-bouche
for the full six-course
tasting menu of suffering
that would be secondary school.
I went to an all-boys school.
It was a literal hellscape.
(school bell ringing)
(sinister music)
I thought it was hard
making it through a school of 200 kids
with two or three bullies.
Try over a thousand where a clean 800
are fully psychopathic gorillas fueled
by testosterone, Red
Bull, and Eminem albums.
Making sure that the word
f- (beeps) no longer means
an innocent bundle of sticks
or a cigarette anymore
in the British lexicon.
Nope, now it was a cool homophobic slur
along with gay, gaylord,
gayboy, puff, pufter, ponce,
batty, batty boy, bum-boy, bender.
Shit, this is so long.
People have a lot of words for something
they don’t wanna think about.
Look at me
in this stupid blazer.
Oh, “you’ll grow into it at some point
in the next four years”.
Thanks, Mum.
Day one, kid in form class,
some stupid hedgehog-looking motherfucker
side eyes me and says–
– [Boy] What you lookin at, puff?
– First interaction at a new school.
Great!
(bell dinging)
My entire existence on a
daily basis then becomes
navigating this school like
I’m in the bloody “Maze Runner”
trying to avoid aggressive
pricks with chode ties.
And you know being
verbally abused for
being a nerd or a Greebo
at least felt relevant to me at the time.
Greebo, definitely one of my faves there
and I’m sure that Korn and
Slipknot would have been proud
to have 12-year-old me as a fan.
(metal music)
I kinda knew who I was
in the hierarchy at that point.
I was essentially a theater kid
who spent all of his free
time playing Runescape
on the AOL browser on his
mum’s PC instead of football.
(sad emotional music)
I accepted it.
But at least I wasn’t
actually this gay thing
people kept throwing around
because by now I understood a gay is a boy
who fancies other boys.
And to be honest I don’t
really feel like I’ve ever
fancied anyone before.
(tense music)
Then puberty happened.
(“Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony” – dramatic music)
(explosions booming)
Oh yeah, this is fun,
tingly feelings, (sniffing) I smell bad.
It was quite fun dribbling
on this girl’s face
playing Truth or Dare.
Maybe later we’ll go
behind that bike sheds and,
there I was
sat in English class,
(gentle romantic music)
my friend next to me.
I watched as he delicately
removes a pencil from its case.
We briefly make eye contact as he flutters
his long black eyelashes with a blink
before staring forward.
His eyes are so bright and
beautiful yet they seem so sad
and deep with emotion.
I wish I could just understand.
Oh fuck, I think
(record player screeching)
I’m a bit gay.
You’re telling me this whole time
I actually have been the bad thing
that people keep calling me?
Shit.
(Camille Saint-Saëns – “Danse Macabre”)
Oh do you hear it that
faint hum, something coming
from a deep, dark place
too powerful to control?
(rumbling music)
It’s the self-hatred.
She is here and she’s
only getting started.
Short version, I fall hopelessly in love
with a friend of mine who
doesn’t feel the same way
which crushes me into
a million tiny pieces
and years later actually it turns out
he was gay the whole time.
(flourishes music)
He just really specifically
didn’t like me.
– [Video game announcer] Double kill.
– Here I am, 13,
(dramatic classical music)
crying to evanescence alone in my bedroom
feeling like there’s no
point in really being alive
as I’m clearly a faulty outcast person
that has no place in the world.
I stopped going to church
with my grandma because I felt
like I wasn’t really supposed to be there.
Also, by this age, the
whole Christianity thing
didn’t really make much sense to me.
And the adult services were dry AF
compared to coloring in
a picture of Jesus’s face
at Sunday school.
So other than the free tea and biscuits
they gave away after the sermon,
religion didn’t really
have much to offer me.
Damn, there was some good biscuits though.
I miss that.
But wait all is not lost yet.
(rhythmic guitar music)
Do you see that?.
A triumphant rallying cry of guitars,
stripey hoodies, and black hair dye.
Emo had arrived!
I swear to God, emo is
one of the best things
that happened to pop culture
in the last 20 years.
As well as inventing
eyeliner and skinny jeans,
a new word hit
the theater, nerd, goth, band,
kid corner that would change
my world forever.
Bisexual. (Dubstep bass drop)
You can be normal and gay at the same time
and some people think it’s cool?
Well, slap a long
fingerless glove on my arm
and sign me up to Myspace
’cause Mum, I’m bi.
It was a good term
’cause it was a catchall
for anyone who felt
sexually confused or curious
that didn’t want to commit
to something stronger
which is very me.
Big commitment issues.
Thanks, fam.
To be clear, regardless of whatever
the 2006 teenagers
thoughts and feelings were,
being bi is valid and
should not be excused away
or erased by anyone.
Thank you.
From this moment,
I was a loud and proud raving bi
to my close friends and the
strangers on the internet
who saw my clearly-labeled
sexual preference
on my Myspace page.
And the emo friends I made
at this time were awesome.
We just used to hang
(emotional rock music)
and make out with each other
and listen to music and
drink bottles of Smirnoff Ice
until we were sick
(person grunting)
on each other with no judgment.
The judgment came several years later
looking back at the photos
that you can’t delete.
(people laughing)
(camera clicking and whirring)
So I didn’t need to tell my family
or people at school anything.
But the thing is with a Myspace page,
anyone with an internet
connection can read it.
And so the rumors started
spreading through my neighborhood
that Dan Howell was
in fact a bisexual.
(Tiny bass drop)
I had a friend in French
class who one day,
totally unprompted, just
turned to me and said,
“Hmm, yeah, I thought so.
(hard rock music)
“You give off a bi-vibe.”
A bi, what the fuck
(dramatic music)
is a bi-vibe?
Great, yeah, nothing to make a 15-year-old
feel self-conscious about
his behavior like being told
he emanates a bisexual aura.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Sorry that I give off mixed signals.
I’m versatile.
Turns out it was actually
(lyrical classical music)
a social upgrade from being
called gay all the time
’cause bisexual was a new
word that only referred
to sexuality so people
actually had to decide
how they felt about the fact
I was attracted to boys.
As opposed to gay which as we
all understood is synonymous
with bad and also
implies a general threat,
plague, curse/evil force
(gentle harp music)
that simply must be destroyed.
People at school
were actually almost nice to
me with curiosity about it
and a few of the boys
that previously loved
to just generically call me gay
while throwing a compasses
at me or something,
now started to low key flirt with me
and some stuff happened.
Go figure.
But then I entered the dark ages
and no I’m not talking about my hair
because I was never actually cool enough
to commit to dying it black.
As quickly as they arrived into my life,
my emo friend group vanished
(sad rock music)
into the night.
Like the tip of an
eyeliner pencil snapping
or the HTML on your
intricately-crafted MySpace page
falling apart when the host websites
of your embedded gifs die,
so, too, did my social life.
One had to suddenly focus on school,
another moved town, two
of them just fell out
with each other and started hanging out
with their old friends again.
Well, we don’t all have back
up friend groups, Lindsey.
I went all in on the emos.
You’re telling me I have
to go back to sitting
in my kitchen playing Runescape now.
Thanks a lot.
So for a year I literally had no friends.
And this is when the bullying at school
really stepped its pussy up.
The things people used
to say offhand to me
in a corridor were now
said loudly in classrooms
where everybody would laugh.
People used to sing songs
about me being gay on the bus
while my fellow nerds
sat around me just stared
(people chattering)
awkwardly out of the window
not wanting to get involved.
They shouted things out
during GCSE exams in
front of the whole school
and the low key pushing became punches.
People used to wait for me after school
just to throw things at me.
Once a guy put his hand around my throat
and pushed my head against a coat peg
in the locker room while
everyone was watching
and just slapped me for five minutes.
But I never reacted.
I never cried or got angry or fought back
’cause then I’d be giving
(dark music)
them what they wanted and
I refused to play along.
But this way of dealing with things
definitely had an impact
on my relationship
with emotion going into life.
I became a total outcast.
No one wanted to come near me out of fear
that they’d get targeted, too.
So no one ever stood up for me.
And, you know, I don’t blame them.
I just resent them
(sarcastic harp music)
even to this day.
No, I’m kidding, I don’t really.
I do.
No, I don’t.
I, hmm.
Teachers at the time
obviously did nothing.
In fact, one of them
saw this happening to me
and laughed ’cause you
know, boys will be boys
especially the gay ones that
get killed by the other ones,
am I right?
Classic lad banter.
(guitar string twanging)
And home.
(dramatic music)
See, keeping this
on the topic of sexuality
and not economic class,
violence, addiction, and health issues,
let’s just say some shit was goin’ down.
I didn’t think I could my family for help
or share my feelings about
this, mainly due to my dad.
Funny guy, kind of a woke hippie
who did and said a lot
of things I did respect
but at the same time used
to walk around the house
saying how he hoped someone
he had a problem with at work
would (clears throat) “die of bum cancer.”
(crickets chirping)
Yep, so picked the one area to be a bigot
that would further traumatize your child.
Nice.
(bell ringing)
This experience coming from a
childhood hearing the word gay
meaninglessly thrown around as an insult
at home and school,
(tense music)
in music, on TV, to then
realizing I am actually kinda gay,
to then very specifically being attacked
for it was traumatic.
The world was clearly
telling me if I ever wanted
to be accepted by anyone or,
in my particular environment,
survive, I couldn’t be gay.
I was afraid of it,
literally homophobic of myself.
I am talking Pavlov, sunken
place, North Korea-level
mind alteration that made
me terrified of and repulsed
by this part of me.
This is called internalised oppression.
It’s a real thing and it’s some real shit.
(Tchaikovsky – “1812 Overture”)
From this moment I was no
longer advertising myself as bi.
No, BRB deleting that Myspace real quick,
xD lemme get on that Bebo.
“My Chemical Romance”?
No, I’m listen to what’s this, N-Dubz?
Jesus Christ.
I go away for the summer break
and come back to school
quiet and serious and fully straight.
(person coughing)
I needed me some new friends
that were a bit higher up
the social ladder, you know
what I’m sayin’ for security
so I go ahead and join “The Inbetweeners”.
(buzzer buzzing)
Literally this group of
friends, the exact middle ground
between nerds and desperately
wanting to be cool.
And oh how desperate we were.
The great thing about these friends
was they knew loads of girls.
So firstly,
(message alert beeping)
instant cool points.
Secondly if I date a girl
(scoffs) super not gay.
The problem with that was
it’s not like everyone
just forgot everything
that’s been said about me
and this group of friends,
causally homophobic
pretty much all the time
and also they hung out
in places near some even more aggressive
and super homophobic peeps.
Just full-time Runescape
would have been a better in hindsight.
I find myself going through
the same shit at school
but now voluntarily going
through it at the weekends
from the people that are
supposed to be my friends
thinking I’m doing the right thing
whilst constantly telling myself
I’m now totally heterosexual.
So I did what many people
choose to do at that point
and I got a girlfriend.
But this is pretty messed up
because I really liked this girl.
In fact, I loved her as a friend
and I was genuinely attracted to her
but I was so afraid of
sexuality I didn’t even wanna do
anything straight in case
I had some weird gay panic
that I was totally
frigid and I led her on.
And when she got pissed
at me, understandably,
for being a terrible boyfriend,
I just felt even worse.
This was someone who I liked
that I was hurting and lying to
but I couldn’t leave as
then I’d have no armor.
Beautiful irony here
is having a girlfriend
didn’t in any way stop the abuse
’cause (fingers snap) remember gay
is a great
(lively music)
all-purpose general insult.
Call someone gay today and we’ll throw in
a free set of steak knives.
(person grunts)
And when these neighborhood
teens started heavy drinking
and getting into drugs, things
suddenly got quite scary
as people joked about
setting fire to a tent
as I slept in it
(fire crackling)
at Reading Festival.
Or saying, “You know that
notoriously unstable guy?
“Yeah, he said
(scary clown music)
“he’s gonna kill you next Saturday.”
Awkward.
This was definitely the
lowest point in my life.
I just felt totally alone,
confused and I deeply hated myself.
I used to ask God, in case he was there,
to please just make me
straight and everyone stop.
But I saw no end, no escape,
no way to change the world
or who I was.
So one evening I thought fuck
it and I attempted suicide.
I say attempted, because just before
it was too late I thought–
(all shouting together)

“oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit what have i done what have i done fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck?”
“what will your grandma think don’t do this to her she tried her best and she loves you”
“your family aren’t total dicks and this will fuck them up can’t you just get over it surely”
“you’re gonna get to the last year of school and give up now really what was the point”
“I heard this is one of the most painful ways to die so not a great choice if I’m being blunt”
Felt kinda bad for a few
days otherwise I pretended
it never happened and I didn’t tell anyone
until now literally.
Hmm, I know pretty dark
right, but hey spoiler
things kinda worked out.
(comical music)
I mean still gotta lot
of issues but here I am.
(laughs nervously)
I’m so glad I failed for so many reasons,
for the people in my life, for
the future I would’ve wasted.
The most important being
that I thought I was trapped
in a situation forever when in reality,
the entire world I lived in
and my life changed completely.
I thought it was hopeless when
in reality there was so much
to hope for and that’s it.
Time changes everything.
With the lives that we
have, we can try anything
we’ve dreamed of.
I want anyone that’s ever
felt like this to realize
you are never trapped.
There is always hope.
You just need to believe in yourself
and get to the other side.
So yeah school
age 6 to 18, I’m gonna give that
a bad Google review.
(buzzer buzzing)
The thing is I did stand out.
I’ve always been a loudmouth,
class clown, annoying shit.
Since graduating, it turns
out half the people I knew
were fuckin’ gay.
That group of friends I
had, all lovely people now.
Five of them were gay, five gays!
That is statistically irregular.
Oh but they flew under the radar.
All I’m saying is I wish
people just hated me
for being annoying and immature.
Leave the gays alone!
My light at the end of
the tunnel was university.
I was gonna get my A levels
move to a new town
(hard rock music)
and ghost these bitches.
But I took a gap year
first to earn some money
which was very boring sitting
at home and working at ASDA
where I was not happy to help.
My shift started at 5 a.m. on a Saturday.
Signed up for a Twitter
account to run my mouth off
and then bam.
So my name is Dan.
(dramatic music)
My YouTube story begins,
a new chapter of my life to redefine.
So you know what I do?
Get a Formspring
(spring reverberating)
because nothing gives you
that attention feeling
like one of those anonymous
question and answer websites
that are inherently toxic
and no one should use.
And straight out of the bat
(bat thudding)
bisexual Dan returns.
(dramatic music)
‘Cause hey, just like Myspace,
I’m only telling a few people
on the internet right now.
It’s not like one day I’m
gonna get so many followers
that random strangers and
my family might see it.
(laughs nervously)
(scary music)
Wow, I had a lot fun
with many different
kinds of people in 2009.
Let’s just say I got a
lot out of my system.
Got a couple of things in my system, too.
(comedy drum fill)
Sorry.
And this is when, through
the magic of the internet,
I met Phil.
(gentle music)
And obviously we were more than friends
but it was more
than just romantic.
This is someone that genuinely liked me.
I trusted them.
And for the first time
since I was a tiny child,
I actually felt safe.
And the relationship
we formed at that point
was something that I needed in my life.
We are real best friends,
companions through life,
like actual soulmates,
not that souls are a
real thing that exist.
It’s so lucky
to just find someone you
can be that compatible with
and especially to anyone
that has experienced
the kind of self-hatred
that I have dealt with,
one person accepting you
can make all the difference.
And I bet so many people wanna
know so much more about that
which, honestly, I take as a compliment.
But here’s the thing.
I’m somebody that wants
to keep the details
of my personal life private.
So is Phil.
I know lots of people these
days, thanks to social media,
want to share and monetize
every aspect of their life
and then as soon as something
changes suddenly it’s
this huge drama
(alarm blaring)
because everybody got invested
in the story of your life
like it’s a soap opera.
I don’t want that.
I wanna do certain things
without an audience.
I wanna be spontaneous.
I don’t wanna feel afraid to take risks.
I want to enjoy totally
fucking something up
and not have to post a statement about it.
And if anyone thinks
people really have to share
these things about their life,
you need to rethink your position.
And look, I understand that sex is a fun
and interesting thing to talk about.
I get it.
I am also a disgusting pervert.
But the specific minutiae
of who I be fuckin’,
when, why, where, how
long, how, uhh, I mean?
Sexuality is a general fact
that it can be very useful
to know about a person
for several reasons,
but we can’t force people
to disclose that either.
We don’t know this person’s life story,
what they’ve been through,
if they haven’t told people,
if they’ll lose their
job, if they’re in danger.
There are so many reasons someone
might not be open about it.
We can preach the message
that being out is good,
but aggressively speculating
or trying to out someone
is really bad.
They might not be gay, in which case
we’re just harassing someone
and probably stereotyping.
And if they are there’s gonna be a reason
why they haven’t talked about it.
So I don’t wanna see any responses to me
finally talking about this like
no one is surprised.
(lively music)
(chuckles) Dan we been knew.
Wow, you huge galaxy brain genius.
What’s it like walking around
with all those brain cells
in there working overtime?
What, you got like three in there?
Don’t lose your balance, mastermind.
I haven’t exactly been subtle have I?
I’m an awkward, sexually ambiguous nerd.
What the fuck
(super cool rap music)
even is your sexuality?
That’s not the point.
I’m already dead inside
so it doesn’t matter here,
but to me
if someone’s reaction
to a person coming out
is just, “yeah, I knew”,
they’re showing no empathy
towards the issue or that person.
They’re just making it about themselves
like it was a fun piece of
gossip they already knew.
All we have to do is
listen and be accepting.
So anyway back to the tale.
(tinkling music)
Whilst things were looking up
for Dan aged 18, things quickly
got messy again.
(tense music)
Wow, that beats the emo streak
of temporary self-acceptance
by like six months, nice.
There was a point around
2011 where the relationship
with my audience shifted from what felt
like direct communication
between me and individuals
that just saw me
as a comedy creator to
communities of people
that formed to talk about
me when I wasn’t there.
Which is fine, but for some people it was
about getting generally invested in me
and my real life which I thought
was a bit strange ’cause
inevitably like anyone
who puts themself out there,
some people started to really
dig into my private life
to find out information about me
that I wasn’t ready to share.
And this was around the same time
that YouTubers finally started
to get mainstream recognition
(news program music)
in the British press.
We had the BBC knocking at our door
trying to offer Dan and Phil a radio show.
From that, Dan and Phil
became this entertainment duo
that we could have a creative career with.
And we love working together,
so when all these opportunities
came for Dan and Phil,
we were really excited
but I was also scared
as people clearly knew I wasn’t straight
and I hadn’t told my family that.
None of my old friends knew about this,
and what me and Phil had was ours
and personal and yet some
people were trying to get access
to it for their own satisfaction.
It was no longer a few people
on the internet, no big deal.
So I just shut down.
(Windows shutdown music)
(static no signal beeping)
It felt like I was back at school again,
surrounded by threatening people
trying to expose me for
their entertainment.
Most I’m sure just wanted
what was best for me
and I feel such genuine
sadness and am sorry
that I couldn’t be closer
to and more truthful
with the people in my life that
were just trying to be nice
but I wasn’t ready to
deal with it at this time
so I had to do something to contain it.
I definitely sent some mixed messages.
Some were just joking around,
(people laughing)
others were super defensive
(dramatic music)
that in my panic came across like
I’m now telling everyone
I’m totally straight
when all I really meant
was please fuck off
and don’t invade my privacy,
you creepy stalkers, thank you.
But this experience seriously
triggered some PTSD in me
and I was back
(heart beating)
in the dark place.
I didn’t want to just
disappear from the internet
to escape it and throw
away this creative hobby
that actually started paying rent.
Thanks.
So I just decided
to put anything to do with my sexuality
in a box to come back to later
as I was still processing my past
and I wanted to understand
my identity on my own terms
and timeline and not just have it hijacked
as fuel for people’s sexual fantasies
or some headline in an article.
And whilst we’re not exactly living
in a utopia yet
(crowd cheering)
here on YouTube,
the general internet culture
only five or six years ago
was a much less wholesome,
progressive place
as this little bubble is now.
Sure, a lot of people probably
would have been supportive,
but there was just as much open
bigotry and general toxicity
’cause people felt less accountable
and it was okay to say certain things
’cause it’s just on the internet
and I couldn’t handle that at the time.
And, generally, I can handle a lot.
I have big hands with a very wide reach
for playing piano, you fuck.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
We can’t ask people to just
put their lives on hold
to address their sexuality first.
If a kid dreams
(inspirational music)
of being a footballer and
age 18 gets signed to a club
and all their dreams come true
but they’re scared to come out
because of the insane homophobia
in that community,
(sad music)
they shouldn’t turn it down.
Yes, it’s so important to be
truthful about who you are
and open and proud in front of the world
but it’s our society’s fault
that these people are scared
to say who they are.
So let’s all focus on
making it a welcoming place
and people will come
out when they are ready.
So when was I ready?
Well, it’s always been
on my mind that I need
to talk about this at some point.
I couldn’t just keep going
forward in my life ignoring it,
Not only just so I can be authentic,
which is very important
for general existing,
but also just letting people know
what kind of sexual attention
I want from the world.
All of it from everyone.
(horny music)
God I’m so thirsty.
And if anything motivated me,
it’s the idea that I can help someone else
’cause that’s basically
my whole career, isn’t it,
admitting to shit that I’ve been through
so you you will feel
better about yourselves.
There we go, you’re welcome.
I have a platform and a
following of millions of people,
many of whom I know have been
through exactly what I have.
And if I tell my story as painful
and flip floppy and
(chuckles) flawed as it is,
I know it mean something
to someone as every time
someone speaks openly about sexuality,
it saves lives.
I’d never met a single out
gay person until I was 18.
And if I had, or even just
seen better representation
in the media, I wouldn’t
have felt so totally alone.
I wouldn’t even be saying this to you now
if it wasn’t for TV shows,
musicians, and public figures
in the last couple years
reinforcing this to me
It doesn’t matter if I was
living the life privately
as there was still so much confusion
about my feelings and fear.
But things are better
now, on the internet,
on TV, in my real life.
It’s not perfect but it feels
safe enough in this space
right now for me to feel confident.
So thank you sincerely
to all the brave people
that came before me and to any
of you that made this world
seem welcoming for me.
And instead of procrastinating from this
by focusing on work,
which was a way for me
to insure my own independence and survival
in case I was rejected,
or just doing things
for other people to take my mind off it
instead of asserting my own needs,
which my therapist keeps telling me
is one of my biggest problems.
Here I am with a fresh
void of time in front of me
to fuck up however I want.
Now look, we all have
different experiences in life.
Some of us are lucky, some of us not.
It just so happened that the
first 18 years of my life
were horrendously shit.
It failed me.
But we get dealt cards
from the start, too.
If you look at my life, I
was born into this world
as an able-bodied,
white, cis-man in Britain
which immediately gives
me so much privilege
in this current world and I am fully aware
of how much harder making it to today
could have been for me, which
is why we all need to stand up
for equality and social justice
even if it doesn’t apply to us.
No one stood up for me
when it mattered the most
and that almost cost me everything.
So if you see a woman being harassed,
a gay being threatened,
someone muttering something racist,
say something, do something
because if you’re still
or silent, the victim will just think
that you are against them, too.
We all have a responsibility.
This tale was just some of the stuff
relating to sexuality.
We all have a whole sob
story if we wanna tell it
but I just wanted to explain the journey
of how I got to this point
and overcame the obstacles
that tried to block this path.
And now I’ve arrived.
(Chopin – “Fantasie Impromptu”)
Okay cool story, bro, it’s answer time.
What’s your answer.
Whaddayalikedafuk?
Here’s the thing,
you want me to talk candidly
about sexuality as if it’s something
that I understand?
I don’t know what it is, why it is.
Turns out no one knows.
I’ve been sitting here for years waiting
for scientists to just work it out
like bleep bloop.
Oh this is why and exactly
how it’s different for people.
There we go.
Thinking I shouldn’t run
off my mouth on the internet
in case my theories and
opinions on varying gayness
get debunked next week.
Well, I waited long enough
and it didn’t happen.
Science, ya fucked up, you let me down.
And I fully expect to
have to delete this video
in two weeks when you find
out all the answers suddenly.
Thanks a bunch.
What makes someone gay
or straight or all the things in between?
What the ever loving fuck is gender about?
(spits) This is a mess.
Yet people want you
to give them a word because
that’s how humans communicate
with words that have meanings.
Which is why our disgusting
species is impatient,
stupid, and obsessed with labels.
And this applies to
everything, sexuality, gender,
political identity, what
obscure genre of synthwave
you listen to.
(serotonin-deficiency-wave music)
People just want a label
that represents something
they understand so they already know
how to feel about you and
don’t have to bother thinking.
Oh you’re a feminist
(dramatic music)
well I don’t need to know anything more.
Oh you’re a leftist (growls).
Oh you’re a K-pop fan but but but but.
If people just want to find
a way to disagree with you
or dislike you, they
can refer to the label
and turn off their brains.
Hey, what does my label say?
Huh.
The issue is,
especially when we start
talking about the writhing mass
of confusion and suffering
that is sexual and gender identity,
the limits of language
and specific terminology
become a big problem.
What does being gay mean?
You never thought about a boob once?
What does being a man mean?
You wanna be an emotionless
rock rubbing raw steaks
against your biceps?
It’s not like humanity is
all in agreement right now.
I don’t like the stereotypes and drama
that come with all this terminology
so I’m just not gonna use it.
– Thing is gender identity isn’t my issue.
I feel comfortable
with the identity that
I’ve had my whole life.
Dan, a tol boy from England.
But being a man means nothing to me.
I wouldn’t feel
uncomfortable wearing makeup
(dramatic scary music)
or a sickening pair of heels
though I can’t even
draw in a straight line
so that would be a disaster.
Also is anyone really
comfortable wearing heels?
Hmm.
Icons of masculinity
(clanking objects thrown)
aren’t really a big part
of my life.
Might as well call me
a fucking formless blob
that sounds more relatable.
Shout out to all
(protest music)
my formless blobs out there, rise up.
I don’t have to do anything
or be anything and I personally
wouldn’t feel offended
if I wasn’t referred to as a he.
Well, she’s feeling hungry today.
(chipper music)
Stop fucking judging me, Susan.
I’m sad and I’m gonna
eat this whole damn cake
whether you like it or not.
But anyone that has this
don’t really care attitude
about their gender identity
is in a way privileged ’cause some people,
especially trans, care a lot
about their gender identity
and using the correct pronouns
which other people should respect.
Likewise with sexuality, whilst to me
the endlessly increasing list
(lively music)
of tribes and flags being
flown is a bit daunting
and confusing and
personally stresses me out
’cause I almost find it constrictive,
some people like it.
Because if you’re feelings are confusing
and then you look at a word
that represents something
and go, wow, that me,
(tinkling music)
it can help you realize you’re valid
and find a community and that’s great.
There is so much controversy
around this issue and others
but if we all just calm down,
respect each other’s experiences
and try to just be
nice, reasonable people,
which is a lot to ask, let’s be real,
it’s quite simple.
If you wanna use language to express
your honest feelings and
identity, that’s great
and other people should
respect what you say.
Likewise, if you hate labels
and you just wanna be a formless blob,
that’s fine, too.
No one should force you.
The only thing that isn’t
cool is telling other people
what they should or should not identify as
’cause that ain’t your
problem or your business, bye.
This was one of the
things that held me back
from talking about this for years.
Shit’s confusing, man.
Let’s just go back to cellular
reproduction by mytosis
so I don’t really
have to be specific.
Two people that I really
look up to and respect,
Harry Styles and Janelle Monae,
both famously say that
they don’t feel the need
to label it which, to be honest,
is how I feel and is perfectly okay.
But I get it, for me, you want a word.
(inhales deeply)
Oh, that’s hard, though.
I’m an annoying guy.
I feel uncertain
specifying my sexuality in the same way
I wouldn’t say I am an atheist.
Who the fuck am I to say whether God does
or doesn’t exist?
I don’t know shit ’bout shit
and neither does anyone else.
I mean I think it’s unlikely
in the same way I know I like dick.
But I’m not gonna pretend to
have a definite answer here.
Looking at my public statements
is inconsistent and confusing.
Looking at my personal
track record through life
is super confusing.
And looking at the void inside my soul
threatening to crush
(eerie music)
the entire universe with the
force of its event horizon
of misery and melodrama,
well, fuck let’s close that shit up.
One thing’s for sure
whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it.
Really if you ask me,
(warning bell blaring)
I don’t think anyone’s totally straight.
I think there’s a lot of
social and emotional issues
getting in the way of yet
to be understood feelings
of attraction that can be very flexible.
And trust me, I’ve known
a lot of straight guys
until a couple of drinks,
some deep conversation,
and lingering eye contact, and suddenly
they just start leaning in.
(romantic music)
What does that make them?
And am I totally gay?
No.
Am I slightly more gay or
is it just easier for gays
to hook up with each other
because of societal norms.
It’s not like the signs for
male and female bathrooms
are what I’m attracted to.
I don’t care what flesh organ
you have between your legs,
what your hair’s like,
if you’re covered in it
or a fuckin’ beluga whale.
I’m gonna be honest, I’m not picky.
I’m easy.
So am I bi
or pan or poly?
(brain algebra calculating sounds)
Well, now we’re just in a clusterfuck
of defining language and I’m
confused and sad and horny.
This is why I personally love
the word queer.
(gentle electronic music)
I understand that some
people don’t as it is a slur
but as someone that’s
been the target of it
several times throughout my life
I’m up for some reclamation.
It’s like recycling.
The definition makes sense
because until society
is equal with all sexual
and gender identifies,
it is literally strange from
a conventional viewpoint
plus it’s better than
a super long acronym,
it’s inclusive of everyone
and therefore great
for formless blobs.
(blob plopping)
There we go, an identity
I feel comfortable with.
A highly-strung, depressed queer praying
for a giant meteor to hurry up
and finally eradicate humanity.
(meteor rumbling)
LMAO, yeet.
But to come full circle,
(dramatic music)
I know that even today, deep in my heart
the word gay scares me
because that’s how I’ve been
conditioned my whole life.
So, you know what?
Fuck the literal definition
and the scientific definition
and what everyone thinks.
I finally have to just
confront and accept this.
(sighs)
I’m gay.
Oh look, didn’t spontaneously
fucking combust.
Well, there we go, that
was a lot of stress
about nothing, wasn’t it?
Bloody hell.
So yup, I’m here, I’m
queer, and don’t worry
I’m still filled with existential fear.
(chuckles)
We’re here, we’re queer
we’re filled with existential fear.
(Schubert – “Ave Maria”)
Even though I’m at this current place,
there is still so much I’m afraid of
and this has taken months
to make because of that.
Telling my family was a big fear.
I have problems connecting
with them emotionally because reasons.
So I only came out to them this month
and if it didn’t go well, as I’m now
the independent adult
that I fought so hard to be,
I was ready to cut them off
like the bottom of a sweater
turning into a seasonal crop.
But I didn’t have to, love you.
I didn’t think they’d reject me these days
but coming out is still a surprise.
It changes things.
And I’m a pretty awkward person generally
but the idea of just dropping
this in conversation
(metal thudding) (dog barking)
in front of them all terrified me.
And I tried several
times this year to do it
but I just couldn’t.
So you know how I finally
came out to my family?
Email.
(chuckles) Yep, I literally
just sent them an email
saying and I quote, “Hello gang.
“I’ve been meaning to talk
to you all for a while,
“something quite important
that should be disclosed
“at some point.
“I thought I would around
Christmas, then Mum’s birthday,
“then last Easter Sunday, et cetera,
“but every time I meant to, I either felt
“like I would ruin the mood of the day
“or I just felt awkward
and didn’t want to.
“So I decided just to
email you all instead
“which is really
inappropriate and just weird
“but that somehow seems appropriate for me
“and at least I’ll just finally say it.
“Basically I’m gay.”
Yup.
It was just getting ridiculous
so I thought screw it
and hey it worked.
Turns out my remaining family,
pretty chill bunch of people.
(people cheering)
Even my Christian grandma said this.
“We love you for being you.
(gentle music)
“It must be a great relief
to finally acknowledge
“who you are.
“Popsie and I just want you to be happy.
“People are born as they
are and have no say in it.
“I hope that now you will
feel free to live your life
“as you want with no pretense.”
Aw.
“Don’t forget the iPad.”
Yes, I said I’d give her
(comedy horn blaring)
my old iPad.
She mainly cares about that I thing.
Wasn’t so sure when I was 17
but it went well now
and I know that makes me lucky
but, hey, it shows that times change.
As for the other people in my life,
obviously all the friends
I have now are cool.
If anyone in my life I’ve
ever known isn’t cool with it
then I don’t care.
And sure here online there might be
a few incredibly lost bigots following me
or just some classic trolls
who I think should get fucked.
No, like literally, I
think you should try it.
You’ll probably enjoy it
and you might learn
something about yourself.
Inevitably some of you watching this
might have a weird
reaction if you just feel
like it was a shock or you feel hurt
that I kept it from you.
But I feel like I explained
myself reasonably here
and going forward I can’t have
any space for that, sorry.
I’ve come to terms with who I am
and now you have to, too, ha.
Funnily enough straight up homophobia
is probably the one thing
I’m not that afraid of
because I just don’t agree
so it doesn’t hold much
emotional power over me
but you bet I’m opening
myself up to all new kinds
of in real life and
international discrimination now
which is fun.
But one of the other big
fears holding me back
was, honestly, that I wouldn’t
be accepted by the community.
I know that it’s a big pride
flag covering a lot of ground
and even the idea of it and
certainly most of it is amazing.
But there is a lot of
drama within it right now
especially on the internet.
You’ve got Grindr gays arguing
about how manly gays should be,
bi’s getting ignored, trans
people especially of color
not being historically
appreciated, acephobia,
fucking SWERFs and TERFs.
No thank you.
So even though they my people,
I know some of them will have
problems with something.
(bird tweeting)
And even then, just seeing
such a loud and proud,
strong and opinionated
group of people celebrating
something just intimidates
(people shouting)
a smol introvert such as myself.
And in my mind if these
people don’t accept me
because I’m not being definitive enough
or I took too long then I almost feel
like I’ll be alone all over again
and this is a fear that a
lot of people have honestly.
But I’m a nice guy and I’m trying my best
so you better be welcoming,
you bunch of fuckin’ queers.
And obviously with the topic of sexuality,
it doesn’t matter where we are
or how far you think we’ve come,
by merely mentioning
it, I will be opening up
a primordial box of bullshit
(lively music)
which will include
(explosion booming)
every single stupid argument and question
since the dawn of time.
It’s not natural.
(marching music)
There’s gay animals.
Adam and Steve.
(marching music)
That’s based on a story
and the protagonist
that arrives later probably
doesn’t agree with you.
Why can’t we have straight pride?

I could spend 10 hours
on all the classic crap
and people would still be
asking the same things.
This being posted on the internet,
my hopes are so incredibly low,
lower than my self-esteem.
(comedy spring reverberating)
Wow, that is unhealthy.
I need to stop doing that.
This video is
about internalized oppression
and the problems of language.
I’m not here to pontificate on every topic
tangentially related to the
entire concept of gayness.
Pontificate on every topic
tangentially related to
the concept of gayness.
(ASMR fingernail tapping)
There’s other humans and
all the time in the world
left for that.
The time in the world coincidentally being
not much longer.
Climate change LMAO.
(party music as everyone burns)
But I had to tell my story
so people would understand
me and these things.
Why coming out is still a
big deal because queer people
are often invisible and suffering
until they have to do it.
Some people grow up in
supportive environments
and it’s a positive experience.
But more likely,
especially around the world
outside of the big cities, it isn’t.
This is not a fight that
is anywhere near over.
Even in Britain today people are debating
whether children should
be taught to be accepting
of sexual and gender identity in school.
Queer people exist.
Choosing not to accept
them is not an option.
To anyone watching this
that isn’t out, it’s okay.
(gentle music
You’re okay.
You were born this way, it’s right,
and anyone that has a
problem with it is wrong.
Based on your circumstance,
you might not feel ready
to tell people yet or that it’s safe
and that’s fine, too.
Just know that living
your truth, with pride,
is the way to be happy.
You are valid.
It gets so much better.
And the future is clear.
It’s pretty queer.

So there we go.
Now I can proceed authentically in my life
with full disclosure.
Cute mutuals know to slide into the DMs.
And you can all fuck
off and leave me alone.
Bye.
(radio signal screeching)
(signal beeping)

This is one fancy Chinese. Let me tell you a queer little story about a boy named Dan. Follow me online to see the rest of my tale as it unfolds in real time: http://twitter.com/danielhowell http://instagram.com/danielhowell http://facebook.com/danisnotonfire And subscribe to my channel! http://www.youtube.com/subscription_center?add_user=danisnotonfire (lol) Content warning: this video contains far too much strong language and discussions of general sexuality, discriminatory language, bullying and an attempt on my own life. Otherwise totally appropriate for education, instilling good values in young children and my grandma who I will expect a disappointed text from. Special thanks to http://youtube.com/AmazingPhil for production assistance. Art by Hector aka https://twitter.com/swatercolour Soundtrack: Handel – Messiah Camille Saint-Saëns – Danse Macabre Tchaikovsky – 1812 Overture Chopin – Fantasie Impromptu Schubert – Ave Maria Additional Music by Kevin Macleod http://incompetech.com Disclaimer – This video is just a starting point for me, what I felt was the bare minimum (ha) required for me to get this out there so I can move forward with my life, a mix of explanation, justification and opinion. It scratched the surface of several things I could have gone into more detail about, but the purpose of this was to be ..reasonably concise and above all entertaining. In the future, in the right places, I will surely talk much more about everything touched on in this video and more. It’s also likely that something will get misunderstood or misrepresented, perhaps from the way I phrased things or people assuming my thoughts on things that I didn’t specify. Also my story is just the truth of what happened to me and what I thought at certain points of time in my environment, good and bad – of course not my opinions today. So JUST to be clear my opinion on general sexual and gender identities are that everyone is valid and deserves equal rights and the freedom to exist. The only thing I don’t tolerate is intolerance. Cheers to an inevitable bright future, either because people become nice and the old people die or the sun explodes first lmao. Some resources and charities for anyone who needs support or wants to learn more: https://youngminds.org.uk/ https://www.samaritans.org/ https://papyrus-uk.org/ https://www.stonewall.org.uk/ https://www.hrc.org/ http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ https://www.trevorspace.org/ https://switchboard.lgbt/ http://minus18.org.au/ http://www.glaad.org/transgender https://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/