Sugar and Spice

[CELL DOOR CLANGS]
SINGLE FILE.
STAY TO THE RIGHT
OF THE LINE.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
TAKE A GOOD LOOK.
HEY, UM, ARE YOU SURE
THEY CAN’T SEE US?
ONE-WAY MIRROR,
MA’AM.
PICTURE,
IN 3…2…1.
[CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]
♪ GIRLS HIT BACK ♪
♪ WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT ♪
♪ WHERE YOU MOST REGRET IT ♪
♪ GIRLS THINK
THEY’RE MISUNDERSTOOD ♪
♪ BUT I KNOW GODDAMNED WELL ♪
♪ ALL THE THINGS THEY DO
THEY DO TO NERVE ME ♪
♪ I DON’T MEAN TO SAY IT ♪
♪ BUT SOMEBODY NEEDS
TO PUT AN END TO GIRLS ♪
♪ WISH I DIDN’T NEED THEM ♪
A HEINOUS CRIME
HAS BEEN COMMITTED HERE.
SHOULD YOU DECIDE
THAT YOUR TESTIMONY
MIGHT JEOPARDIZE
YOUR PERSONAL SAFETY–
LOOK, SIPOWICZ,
I SAID I’D TELL YOU
EVERYTHING.
I WAS JUST HOPING
WE COULD FINISH THIS UP
BEFORE MENOPAUSE KICKS IN.
LET’S START WITH THE ONE
THAT THINKS HER BUTT
DON’T STINK…
DIANE WESTON.
SHE’S LIKE
A DAMN POSTER CHILD
FOR HIGH SCHOOL.
MORNING, SUNSHINE.
REMEMBER, THESE ARE
THE BEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE.
SO FAR.
Lisa: SHE’S
THE “A” SQUAD CAPTAIN.
SHE STOLE THAT TITLE
FROM ME.
YOU SHOULD CHARGE HER
WITH THAT.
Woman: ALRIGHT, LET’S
TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.
Man: AND ONE, AND TWO,
AND ONE, AND TWO…
ONE, AND TWO–
HI, BRUCE.
YOU LOOK CUTE.
TOMMY HILFIGER.
I’M HOPING
4th YEAR’S THE CHARM.
HEH.
OUTTA MY WAY, BRUCE.
I’M UP.
[CRIES]
LISA…
IS THAT YOU?
I LOST
A LITTLE WEIGHT.
WOW.
THIS REALLY SHOULD’VE
BEEN MY YEAR.
I HAD A LOT OF WORK DONE.
I MEAN, I HAD DONE A LOT
OF WORK OVER THE SUMMER.
YOU COULD TELL
I MADE HER NERVOUS.
BUT THEY HAVE TO,
YOU KNOW, SPREAD
THE TALENT AROUND, SO…
I’VE BEEN ON THE “B” SQUAD
FOR 4 YEARS.
NOW, THE SQUAD
AS A WHOLE…
THEY’RE CLOSER
THAN CAROLINA COUSINS.
I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE SAY
THEY’RE LIKE COUSINS
OR SOMETHING,
BUT THAT’S JUST MOSTLY
THE EGG-OFFS IN BAND.
TRUTH IS
THEY’RE SO CLOSE
THEY ALL GET
THEIR MONTHLY VISIT
FROM AUNT ROSE
AT THE SAME TIME.
THIS ONE’S HANNAH WALD.
SHE’S LIKE
THIS UBERCHRISTIAN,
DOESN’T REALLY SAY MUCH.
IN FACT, IF SHE WASN’T
KIND OF PRETTY,
YOU’D GO,
“HEY, WHO’S THE TART?”
THEN THERE’S CLEO MILLER.
NUMBER
ONE: NOT A REAL C-CUP.
I’VE BEEN
IN THE LOCKER ROOM.
AND NUMBER 2…
SHE HAS TO SEE
THE SCHOOL SHRINK.
SHE’S COMPLETELY
OBSESSED
WITH CONAN O’BRIEN.
Miller: DREAMS?
YOU MEAN LIKE
WHERE I’M IN CONAN’S
ALL-LEATHER APARTMENT?
HEH. I MEAN,
I DON’T KNOW IF HE HAS ONE,
BUT THAT’S WHY IT’S A DREAM.
AND SUDDENLY, WE’RE
BUCK-NAKED AND ALL OILED UP.
I DON’T KNOW
WHERE THE OIL COMES FROM,
BUT, AGAIN,
THAT’S WHY IT’S A DREAM.
Lisa:
THEN THERE’S KANSAS HILL,
THE ORIGINAL BAD SEED.
SON OF A BLUE-BALLED BITCH,
I ALWAYS GET THIS ONE!
MOUTH ON HER
COULD STOP
A BULL IN HEAT.
SHE GETS HER BRAIN
FROM HER MOTHER.
KANSAS’ MOM’S BEEN IN PRISON
EVER SINCE
THE DAY SHE WAS BORN.
SHE WAS JUST LYING THERE,
IN LABOR WITH KANSAS,
WHEN SHE HEARS SOMETHING
GOING ON IN THE NEXT BED.
TURNS OUT
IT’S KANSAS’S DAD
TAKING A NURSE’S
TEMPERATURE.
STAY WITH ME.
I’M TRYING TO BE DELICATE.
ANYWAY, SHE WHIPS OUT
A SHOTGUN
AND BLOWS HIS ASS
TO KINGDOM COME.
SO, SHE GOT LIFE
WITHOUT PAROLE
AND NOW KANSAS LIVES
WITH HER GRANDPARENTS.
AND THEN THERE’S LUCY.
GEEK EXTRAORDINAIRE.
A WALKING LEFT BRAIN.
SHE’S SUPPOSED TO HAVE
THIS GENIUS IQ,
BUT THE TRUTH IS
SHE’S AN OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE
LITTLE FREAK.
OK, HANDS IN,
LADIES.
TODAY,
WE’RE GONNA CHEER LOUD,
JUMP HIGH,
AND LOOK PRETTY BECAUSE…
All: CHEERLEADERS KICK…
LET’S GET GOING,
‘CAUSE NO ONE EVER GOT AHEAD
BY SITTING ON THEIR BEHIND.
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
Lisa: SCHOOL YEAR
STARTED OFF LIKE NORMAL.
PRINCIPAL SMITH
GAVE HIS PEP TALK.
Smith: IF YOU ARE
APPROACHED TO BUY DRUGS,
LET SOMEONE
YOU TRUST KNOW.
IF YOU ARE THINKING
OF HARMING YOURSELF,
OR OTHERS…
LET SOMEONE KNOW.
IF IT BURNS
WHEN YOU URINATE,
HAVE MILKY SEEPAGE,
OR ARE BEING TOUCHED
BY AN UNCLE,
LET SOMEONE KNOW.
UHH.
Girl: COME ON, YOU GUYS!
LET’S HEAR IT
FOR THE LINCOLN “A” SQUAD!
[CHEERING]
Lisa, voice-over:
“A” SQUAD? RIGHT.
I WAS DOING
BETTER DANCE NUMBERS
IN GRADE SCHOOL.
IT REALLY BURNED MY TOAST.
[GARY GLITTER’S
ROCK AND ROLL, PART TWO]
[CLAPPING IN UNISON]
NOW, I KNOW IT’S MY DUTY
TO GIVE YOU ALL THE FACTS.
SO I’M GONNA HAVE TO SAY
THAT THEIR CHEER BLEW
LIKE A BULIMIC
AFTER CHRISTMAS DINNER.
THEIR BLATANT DISREGARD
FOR NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL
CHEERLEADING ASSOCIATION RULES
MADE ME SICK.
BASKET TOSS FLIPS
AND WOOLFALL PYRAMIDS
OVER 2 PEOPLE HIGH
ARE STRICTLY PROHIBITED.
YEAH!
I MADE A COMPLETE REPORT
AND SENT IT IN.
Crowd: HEY!
GO, LINCOLN!
HEY!
GO, LINCOLN!
HEY…GO…LINCOLN!
AND, FINALLY,
THE MOMENT WE’D ALL
BEEN WAITING FOR…
Man: TRANSFERRING
FROM TRUMAN HIGH,
THE NEW STAR QUARTERBACK
OF OUR
MIGHTY FIGHTIN’ LINCOLNS,
JACK BARTLETT!
Lisa: THAT’S WHEN
JACK AND DIANE MET.
NOBODY SAW IT COMING…
ESPECIALLY NOT JACK.
[CROWD GASPS]
PFFFT!
HA HA HA HA!
[NO AUDIO]
JACK WAS FINE.
OH, MAN, WAS HE FINE.
IT WAS LIKE
HE WAS A BAR OF CHOCOLATE
AND THE WHOLE SCHOOL
WAS ON THE RAG.
EVERYONE WANTED
A PIECE OF HIM.
JACK BARTLETT.
JACK BART-LETT.
JACK BARTLETT.
IS JACK BARTLETT
INTERESTED IN ME?
Girl: I’M SORRY,
CAN SOMEONE ELSE
PLEASE RUN THE BOARD?
IT’S CREEPY, IT’S WRONG,
AND IT GOES AGAINST
THE TEACHINGS
OF MY LORD AND SAVIOR,
JESUS CHRIST.
HANNAH, IN ORDER TO GET
REAL ANSWERS FROM NETHERWORLD,
YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE
A CHRISTIAN VIRGIN
RUN THE BOARD.
YOUR KIND IS PURE. THE DEVIL
WON’T MESS WITH YOU.
WELL, UH, TECHNICALLY,
I DON’T THINK I’M
A VIRGIN ANYMORE.
WHAT!
AT CHURCH CAMP
THIS SUMMER,
I’M PRETTY SURE I HAD,
YOU KNOW,
MY FIRST ORGASM.
ANY SENTENCE
THAT STARTS WITH,
“AT CHURCH CAMP…”
AIN’T LEADING
TO THE BIG “O.”
THAT’S NOT TRUE.
THOSE PICTURES OF CHRIST,
ALL SWEATY AND BARE-CHESTED
ON THE CROSS,
ALWAYS KINDA MADE ME HOT.
I WANNA KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.
OK, WELL, ONE NIGHT
AROUND SUNSET,
I WENT HORSEBACK RIDING
WITH THE NUNS.
THEY WENT EVERY NIGHT.
AND WE’RE TROTTING
PRETTY HARD, YOU KNOW?
ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I FEEL–
I FEEL JUST SUPER-ALIVE,
YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHING]
MAYBE I’LL JUST ASK
THE QUESTION MYSELF.
IS JACK BARTLETT
INTERESTED IN ME?
HEE.
HE IS.
Girl: HEY, MAN,
IS THIS THING, LIKE, ON?
OK, I’M JUST HERE
TO ANNOUNCE MY CANDIDACY
FOR THE HOMECOMING QUEEN.
UH, I PLAN
TO SPREAD THE WORD ON 4-H.
IT’S ALL ABOUT
THE COWS, MAN…
Lisa, voice-over:
I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU–
MOST OF US REALIZED
WE DIDN’T HAVE
A WHORE’S CHANCE
IN HEAVEN WITH JACK,
THE DAY OF
THE CANDIDATE SPEECHES.
YOUTH…
AND AGRICULTURE.
4-H! 4-H RULES!
[SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE]
Boy: THANK YOU, SIR.
Diane:
GOOD JOB.
[FEEDBACK]
UM, AS–AS THE A-V CLUB
CANDIDATE–
I THINK, FOR THE–
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 50 YEARS–
UH, WE SHOULD–
WE SHOULD SAY NO.
WE SHOULD SAY NO TO
A FOOTBALL PLAYER AS KING.
VOTE BRAINS OVER BRAWN–
HA HA HA!
[LAUGHING]
AW.
[CHEERING]
WOO!
Lisa, voice-over:
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME
MOST OF US
EVEN HEARD JACK SPEAK.
THANKS, WOW,
HEH HEH.
WE WEREN’T
DISAPPOINTED.
OK, GUYS.
HEY, GUYS…
WOULD YOU SHUT UP
A MINUTE?
[CHEERING STOPS]
I WAS JUST JOKING.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
WELL, UH, I JUST THINK
IT REALLY ROCKS
THAT THE FOOTBALL TEAM
PICKED ME AS THEIR
YOU KNOW, UM, CANDIDATE.
[CHEERING]
Boys:
WOOF, WOOF, WOOF.
YEAH!
Girls:
WE LOVE YOU, JACK!
WELL, I LOVE YOU, TOO,
LUNCH LADIES.
I JUST WANNA SAY THAT
THERE’S ONLY 3 THINGS
I WANT IN LIFE–
TO SOMEDAY BECOME A SENATOR
OF THIS GREAT STATE…
[CHEERING]
I WANNA LEAD
THE MIGHTY FIGHTIN’ LINCOLNS
TO VICTORY
AT THE HOMECOMING GAME.
[CHEERING]
Diane:
ALRIGHT!
OW!
AND, UH, I WANT TO GO
TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE
WITH DIANE WESTON.
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
[CHEERING]
HA HA HA.
[SQUEALING]
Lisa: UGH, THEY WERE LIKE
FRIGGIN’ BARBIE AND KEN,
BUT WITHOUT THE PINK,
REMOTE-CONTROL CORVETTE.
OVERNIGHT,
PEOPLE WERE GOING, LIKE…
OHH, THEY’RE
THE PERFECT COUPLE.
THEY’RE SO CUTE.
Lisa: I’M SURE IT GAVE
THE INTERNET WHACKS
SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT
BESIDES AGENT SCULLY
AND THEIR MOST RECENT
WET DREAM.
NOW, I’M NOT ONE
TO GOSSIP…
BUT I THINK JACK AND DIANE
GOT SO CLOSE, SO FAST,
BECAUSE THEY DISCOVERED
HOW MUCH THEY BOTH LOVED…
FOOTBALL.
MAN, DID THEY LOVE
THEIR FOOTBALL.
Cheerleaders:
HEY, HO, LET’S GO!
HEY, HO…
Lisa: I DON’T KNOW
ABOUT THE “HEY,”
BUT “HO”
IS RIGHT ON THE MONEY.
IF THEY’D ASKED,
I EASILY COULD’VE
HELPED THEM WITH
SOME NEW MATERIAL.
GREEN 88! GREEN 88!
SET, HUT.
♪ HEY, HO ♪
♪ LET’S GO ♪
♪ HEY, HO ♪
♪ LET’S GO ♪
WOO-HOO!
I…LOVE…YOU.
I…LOVE…YOU.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
WOO! WOO, YEAH!
HA HA!
YEAH!
YEAH, BABY.
OOF!
♪ HEY, HO, LET’S GO ♪
Lisa: RIGHT ABOUT HERE
IS WHERE IT REALLY
STARTED TO HIT THE FAN.
DON’T WORRY,
I’LL CLEAN THIS UP A BIT
IF I HAVE TO APPEAR
IN COURT.
ESPECIALLY
IF WE’RE ON COURT TV.
[GASPS]
EXCUSE ME, VENDELA,
HAVE YOU SEEN DIANE?
BECAUSE WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO GO TO THE HOMECOMING
DANCE TONIGHT.
[KISSING NOISES]
OH.
MMM.
OH, BABY.
MMM. OH!
OH! OH!
AW, LOOK AT THIS.
[ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY]
OH, MY,
LOOK AT THAT.
LOOK AT
THOSE TWO.
ALRIGHT. HOLD UP.
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT
TO MAKE.
ME AND DIANE, UH…
OH, WHAT THE HEY?
WE’RE GETTING MARRIED.
NO! YES!
HA HA HA!
[EVERYONE YELLING EXCITEDLY]
Diane: BUT, WELL…
NOT BEFORE
I HAVE OUR BABY.
AAAH!
SO, WHEN YOUR DAD SAID,
“I NEVER WANT TO SEE
YOUR F-ING FACES AGAIN,”
DO YOU THINK HE MEANT
“FOREVER” FOREVER
OR JUST UNTIL
YOUR MOM WAKES UP?
[SIGHS]
I DON’T KNOW.
WHAT WAS THAT SOUND
SHE MADE
RIGHT BEFORE
SHE HIT THE GROUND?
WELL, IF I HAD TO GUESS,
I’D SAY THAT WAS
THE SOUND OF A MOTHER
SAYING GOOD-BYE
TO HER LITTLE BOY
AND HELLO
TO THE YOUNG MAN
WHO’S GOING TO BE
A DADDY OF HIS OWN.
JACK…DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I SEE HERE?
SPIT FROM YOUR DAD?
HEH. I SEE A FLOWER.
AND YOU KNOW,
EVEN THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS
STILL GROW FROM DIRT.
YEAH.
AND WHILE WE’RE KNEE-DEEP
IN IT RIGHT NOW
AND THINGS MAY SEEM
PRETTY STINKY,
IN THE LONG RUN
WE’RE GONNA GROW
STRONG FROM THIS.
YOU THINK?
I SURE DO.
DIANE…
I-I’VE LOVED YOU
SINCE I FIRST SAW YOU.
[SIGHS]
RIGHT BEFORE YOU
KICKED ME IN THE HEAD.
OH, JACK.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[MOANING]
[POP BALLAD STARTS]
♪ YOU CAN BE HAPPY
WHEN EVERYONE’S SINGING ♪
♪ IT’S SO FUN ♪
♪ JUST TRY
TO REMEMBER… ♪
Lisa, voice-over:
NOW…I DON’T THINK
DIANE JUST UP AND TOLD
THE SQUAD ABOUT THE BABY
THAT NIGHT,
BUT SOMEHOW THEY MANAGED
TO FIGURE IT OUT.
Diane: NO, THANKS.
DON’T NEED ONE.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
SO?
HOLY SMOKE.
YOU JUST BECAME
A STATISTIC.
OH, MY GOD.
I’M NOT THE FIRST.
BUT–BUT YOU’RE
NOT MARRIED.
WAIT, DID YOU SAY
YOU ARE PREGNANT
OR YOU WERE PREGNANT?
YOU HAD IT,
THREW IT OUT,
NOW YOU’RE GONNA
DANCE ALL NIGHT?
Fern: SHUT UP, CLEO.
DI, HOW MUCH
YOU NEED
FOR AN ABORTION?
WHAT?! NO.
NOT AN ABORTION.
MY CHURCH CAN
ARRANGE FOR YOU
TO GO TO OREGON
AND TAKE CARE
OF AN AUNT
FOR 9 MONTHS.
THEY FIND YOUR BABY
A HOME,
YOU COME BACK
A LITTLE DAZED
AND PUFFY
BUT EVERYTHING’S
FINE.
PLEASE, DI,
DON’T BE A WHORE
AND A MURDERER.
[GIRLS GASP]
Lisa, voice-over:
JACK TOLD THE TEAM
THAT NIGHT.
Jack: HEY, GUYS,
I, UH…
I GOT DIANE PREGNANT.
WHAT?
WELL,
ALRIGHT!
YOU NAILED
DIANE WESTON?
HA! I’D NEVER WASH
MY JOHNSON AGAIN.
[LAUGHING]
HEY.
YEAH.
HA-HOO!
[CLEARS THROAT]
I DIDN’T MEAN TO
SAY “WHORE,” DIANE.
JUST THAT I HEAR IT
SO MUCH AT CHURCH
IT KIND OF CAME
FLYING OUT OF
MY HEAD.
I KNOW, HANNAH.
LOOK…I’M NOT GONNA
GET AN ABORTION.
I’VE ALWAYS PLANNED
ON GETTING MARRIED
AND HAVING KIDS.
I’M JUST GOING
A LITTLE OUT OF ORDER.
[GIGGLES]
KIND OF REMINDS ME
OF ANOTHER YOUNG LADY
WHO FOUND HERSELF
WITH CHILD, UNMARRIED…
ON A LONG, LONG ROAD…
WITH NO PLACE TO SLEEP.
OF COURSE, THAT WAS
A LONG, LONG TIME AGO.
BUT NO MATTER WHAT,
SHE HELD HER HEAD HIGH
AND SAID,
“PAPA, DON’T PREACH.
“I’M IN TROUBLE DEEP.
“PAPA, DON’T PREACH,
“‘CAUSE I MADE UP MY MIND.
“I’M KEEPIN’ MY BABY.
YEAH, I’M GONNA KEEP
MY BABY.”
THE GREAT ONE.
All: MADONNA.
Cleo: WE’RE HERE
FOR YOU, DIANE.
YOU GUYS…
THANKS. OH…
I’LL PRAY FOR YOU
EVERY NIGHT.
WE LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.
YOU’RE THE BEST.
Lisa, voice-over: I GUESS
THEIR LITTLE FAIRY TALE
COULD’VE ENDED THERE.
THE ONLY PROBLEM
WAS THEY DIDN’T HAVE
A PLACE TO LIVE.
WHAT? BUT ALL OF
OUR PAPERWORK’S HERE.
MY SCHOOL RECORDS
AND JACK’S
FOOTBALL RECORDS.
LET ME EXPLAIN
SOMETHING…
NO, WAIT–
DID I SAY…
“CROSS MY HEART,
HOPE TO DIE”
THAT WE WILL NEVER MISS
A PAYMENT?
UH, YES.
YES, YOU DID.
I think I know where
this one’s going.
UM, LISTEN…
I’M WILLING TO
PUT UP MY PAPERS
ON MY GTO.
NOW, SHE’S GOT
A FEW MILES ON HER,
BUT SHE LOOKS GREAT.
I’M SURE, SON,
BUT, UM…
OH, OW!
SHE’S TWISTING
MY ARM.
I’M GONNA THROW IN
THE SPEAKERS, TOO.
WHY DON’T YOU JUST HAVE
YOUR PARENTS COME
AND GET THE LOAN
AND THEN THEY CAN
GIVE YOU THE MONEY?
WITH ALL
DUE RESPECT, MA’AM,
JACK AND DIANE BARTLETT…
[GIGGLES]
DO NOT
ACCEPT CHARITY.
WE ARE 2 YOUNG,
ABLE-BODIED AMERICANS.
WE’RE NOT LOOKING FOR
A HANDOUT
WE’RE LOOKING FOR
A HAND UP.
GIVE US FOOD,
AND WE’LL BE HUNGRY TOMORROW
BUT GIVE US CORN–
THE KIND YOU PLANT,
NOT EAT–
AND WE’LL GROW IT
AND UH, UM…CUT IT,
AND, UH…
YOU KNOW, EAT IT.
HMM.
NOW, IF YOU’RE INTERESTED
IN GIVING US A HOME LOAN,
I WILL SIT BACK DOWN.
IF NOT,
HAVE A NICE DAY, MA’AM.
SORRY.
MY HANDS ARE TIED.
OH!
WHEW.
Lisa, voice-over: SOMEHOW,
THEY MANAGED TO FIND
THEIR DREAM HOUSE ANYWAY.
MORE OF A DUMP,
IF YOU ASK ME.
WE’LL TAKE IT.
[BABY CRYING]
FINE. SETTLE DOWN, OK?
JUST KEEP IN MIND–
I MANAGE THE BUILDING, OK?
I DON’T OWN IT
AND DON’T FIX SQUAT.
AND I ALSO DON’T CARE
IF THINGS BREAK, OK?
ALL I CARE IS
YOU LITTLE BASTARDS
SHOVE THE RENT UNDER MY DOOR
ON THE FIRST, YOU GOT THAT?
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
OK. OH, YEAH,
AND ONE MORE THING.
YOU SEE ANY PACKAGES
OUTSIDE MY DOOR,
YOU LEAVE ‘EM
THE HELL ALONE. CAPISCE?
UGH…
Jack:
2 TACO GRR-RRANDES!
ONE BEAN BURR-RRITO.
A LARGE TACO CHIP.
AND GUACAMOLE.
[CHATTERING]
AND THAT’LL BE…
35 CENTS.
WE DON’T REALLY HAVE
FRIED RATS IN THE BUCKETS.
I KNOW. I CHECKED.
I’M GONNA SAVE YOU THE TIME.
I’M NOT GONNA LIE.
DON’T BELIEVE IN IT.
IF YOU PICK YOUR ASS,
I’M GONNA TELL PEOPLE.
HAVE NO IDEA
HOW TO RUN YOUR REGISTER.
YOU’RE
JACK BARTLETT, RIGHT?
YEAH.
SO, YOU’D BE, LIKE,
HANGING OUT WITH US
EVERY NIGHT AFTER SCHOOL,
THEN, RIGHT?
YEAH. WELL, I MEAN, AFTER
FOOTBALL PRACTICE, YEAH.
FOOTBALL
PRACTICE?
FANTASMIC.
YOU’RE SO HIRED.
[CHUCKLES]
I’M ON TOP
OF THE WORLD!
ERRR!
HEY, DI,
IF WE HAVE A GIRL,
WE SHOULD DRESS HER
LIKE LITTLE DEBBIE.
JACK, HONEY,
I’M ONLY EATING FOR TWO.
I KNOW, BUT THIS FOOD
REMINDS ME
HOW MUCH I WANNA
TEACH OUR BABY,
LIKE COCOA PUFFS IS GOOD,
CAPTAIN CRUNCH IS BAD.
IT SHREDS THE ROOF
OF YOUR MOUTH.
YOU’RE NOT BORN
WITH KNOWLEDGE.
YOU HEAR
“TRIX ARE FOR KIDS.”
YOU THINK, “I’M A KID,
I GUESS THEY’RE FOR ME.”
BUT YOUR LITTLE
BABY BRAIN’S GOT NO IDEA
THAT LUCKY CHARMS ARE
A MILLION TIMES
BETTER FOR YOU.
JACK?
HEY. POP QUIZ.
IF YOU COULD BE
COUNT CHOCULA
OR TRIX THE RABBIT,
WHO WOULD YOU BE?
UH…TRIX.
ME, TOO. GOD!
WILL IT NEVER END?
I LOVE THIS LADY!
[GIGGLES]
AH!
JACK, I THINK
I SHOULD GET A JOB.
NO, BUT WE AGREED
YOUR JOB’S RUNNING
THE BABY MACHINE.
I KNOW, BUT THAT
WAS BEFORE I REALIZED–
OH…I ALMOST FORGOT GAS
FOR THE BABY MACHINE.
I’M GONNA GET YOUR SNICKERS
AND MEET YOU IN LINE, OK?
MMM. I LOVE YOU.
LOVE YOU.
[SIGHS]
Woman on P.A.: ATTENTION, BOB.
CLEANUP ON AISLE 3.
[CASH REGISTER BEEPING]
Jack: HEY, DI!
HI, I’M A LITTLE
PROFESSOR!
WOULDN’T IT BE CUTE
IF OURS LOOKED LIKE THIS?
YEAH, YOU LITTLE
MARSH–UH!
HONEY!
OH, I AM REALLY SORRY.
JACK…
I NEVER KNEW YOU
DREAMED OF WORKING
IN A GROCERY STORE
BANK BRANCH.
BABY, WE ARE LIVING
THE GREAT AMERICAN
DREAM.
MM-HMM.
IF YOU REACH
FOR THE STARS,
YOU’RE BOUND TO STEP–
MM! JACK, PULL OVER.
MM. PULL OVER.
OH, JEEZ! EW!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[VOMITS]
WHY DO THEY CALL IT
MORNING SICKNESS?
IT’S OK.
GET IT ALL OUT.
HAVE ANY BREATH MINTS?
OH…
Jack: SO,
SHE’S IN MY HANDS, RIGHT?
WARM TO THE TOUCH.
NOW, IT’S AT THAT SECOND
THAT I THINK I CONTROL HER–
SHE’S MINE.
BUT IT’S A FALSE ILLUSION.
YOU KNOW, IT’S LIKE
IN THAT MOVIE BACKDRAFT.
“NO MAN CONTROLS FIRE.”
SO, SHE’S READY.
I’M READY. HEH.
SHE’S READY.
I YELL…
“42-58. HIKE!”
BAA! TOUCHDOWN.
[SHIVERS]
[GUITAR STRUMMING]
♪ READY TO GO ♪
WHERE WERE WE?
♪ READY TO GO ♪
[LOUD DRIVING BEAT]
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
I NEED A PLACE
TO KEEP THIS.
SO IF ANYONE ASKS,
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
THAT’S RIGHT.
YOU DON’T KNOW SQUAT.
♪ IT’S A CRACK, I’M BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, I’M STANDING
ON ROOFTOPS… ♪
[SQUEALS]
♪ BABY, I’M READY TO GO ♪
♪ I’M BACK
AND READY TO GO ♪
♪ FROM THE ROOFTOPS,
SHOUT IT OUT ♪
♪ IT’S A CRACK, I’M BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, I’M STANDING
ON THE ROOFTOPS HAVING IT ♪
♪ BABY, I’M READY TO GO ♪
♪ I’M BACK AND READY TO GO ♪
♪ FROM THE ROOFTOPS,
SHOUT IT OUT ♪
♪ BABY, I’M READY TO GO ♪
COME ON, JACK,
YOU PROMISED.
[SIGHS] OK.
ONE QUESTION.
OH, ME, ME, ME!
MINE’S GREAT.
[DEEP VOICE] PROCEED,
DUNGEON MASTER QUON.
OK, JACK.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU
AND DIANE SLEPT TOGETHER?
YEAH.
WELL, NOW THAT YOU CAN’T
SLEEP TOGETHER
BUT YOU STILL
SLEEP TOGETHER,
DON’T YOU EVER
GET JUST, LIKE,
SUPER HORNY?
AND IF SO,
HOW HORNY?
I’LL BE QUIET NOW
SO I CAN LISTEN
TO YOUR ANSWER.
Lisa: YEAH, JACK.
I’D LOVE TO HEAR
YOUR ANSWER.
THE ANSWER’S EASY.
OH, UH…
LOLITA IS
DUE BACK TOMORROW.
SAME FOR 9 1/2 WEEKS
AND DITTO ON WILD THINGS.
[BEEP]
GUYS…I’M GOING
TO BE A DAD.
DADS DON’T GET HORNY.
[SIGHS]
Lisa, voice-over:
TO THE KIDS AT SCHOOL,
JACK AND DIANE HAD IT ALL.
THEIR OWN APARTMENT,
STAYING UP LATE,
EATING WHATEVER THEY WANTED,
PLUS JACK WAS GETTING
A DISCOUNT
ON R-RATED MOVIES
AT THE VIDEO STORE.
HELLO? REALITY CHECK.
SCHOOL, PRACTICE, WORK,
AND LAMAZE CLASS?
IT WAS REALLY STARTING
TO TAKE ITS TOLL.
[CROWD SHOUTING]
2, 4, 6, 8…
FIGHTING LINCOLNS
ON TO STATE!
FIGHT!
LINCOLN! FIGHT!
Jack: BLUE 42! BLUE 42!
HIKE!
[PANTING]
[GRUNTING]
Lisa: OK,
SO THEY WON STATE.
B.F.D.
THE BEST PART WAS
DIANE WAS REALLY STARTING
TO LOOK LIKE HELL.
Kansas: DIANE?
DIANE!
HUH? WHAT?
I’M UNDER THE ICE!
I’M UNDER THE ICE!
HUH?
OH, MAN, THAT WAS
A WEIRD ONE.
ANOTHER SEX DREAM?
WAYNE GRETZKY.
HAT TRICK?
HE IS THE GREAT ONE.
HEH HEH.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU’VE BEEN ROBBED.
NO, I’VE BEEN
PREGNANT.
DI, ARE YOU OK?
WE CAN SKIP
THE GIRL PARTY
THIS WEEK.
EVERYTHING’S FINE.
I’M JUST HAVING
A LITTLE TROUBLE
TURNING MY FROWN
UPSIDE DOWN.
WANT US TO HELP
YOU PICK UP?
DON’T MARTHA
FREAKING STEWART ME.
YOU DON’T LIKE IT,
YOU TRY BEING
A PREGNANT TEEN.
[DIANE FARTS]
BRENDON!
GO WITH THEM.
THEY’RE IN THE VAULT,
MAN. GO! GO!
Second man:
WHO’S MR. DUGGAN?
MR. DUGGAN.
YOU WANT TO OPEN
THE VAULT?
OR DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO IT?
DO WHATEVER
THEY WANT, TERRY.
OH.
TAKE THE KEYS.
TAKE THEM!
Lucy: I’M CONFUSED.
PAPPAS KNEW
THE BANK ROBBERS
WERE SURFERS
BECAUSE HE SAW
A TAN LINE?
LUCE,
IT’S POINT BREAK.
JUST SHUT UP
AND LOOK AT KEANU.
DI, WHAT WOULD YOU DO
IF YOU WERE IN A HOLDUP?
WELL…
I GUESS I…
I’D GIVE THEM
ALL THE MONEY
THEY COULD HOLD
AND WISH THEM
A GOOD LIFE.
BECAUSE THE BEATLES
WERE WRONG.
LOVE ISN’T
ALL YOU NEED.
LOVE WON’T
PAY THE RENT,
LOVE WON’T BUY
MY BABY DIAPERS,
LOVE SURE AS HELL
WON’T BUY ME
MY NEW DOLCE
& GABBANA JEANS
WHEN I LOSE
MY BABY WEIGHT.
PRETTY SOON
WE’LL BE BROKE,
AND I’LL JUST
BE ANOTHER FAT-ASS
WEARING CHIC JEANS.
[SOBBING]
OK, PUT
THE SNICKERS DOWN.
COME KICK IT
OVER HERE.
WAIT A MINUTE!
FREEZE THAT! FREEZE THAT!
Man on TV:
…TOO MUCH TIME!
Cleo: YEAH.
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
CONAN’S HEAD
ON KEANU’S BODY?
UNSTOPPABLE.
NO! THAT’S IT!
A BANK ROBBERY.
A BIG PILE OF MONEY,
AND MY LITTLE FAMILY-TO-BE
COULD GET OUR HEADS
ABOVE WATER.
I READ ABOUT THIS.
IT’S CALLED
PREGNANCY INSANITY.
LOOK, I MIGHT BE MOODY…
I MIGHT BE GASSY…
BUT I AM PERFECTLY SANE.
THINK ABOUT IT.
IN SCHOOL THEY TELL US
DREAMS CAN COME TRUE. RIGHT?
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
BUT THEY DON’T
TELL US HOW.
THANKS TO KEANU,
I’VE FIGURED IT OUT.
MONEY MAKES
YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.
LISTEN, KANSAS,
I KNOW YOU DREAM OF
SPRINGING YOUR MOM SOMEDAY.
STOP, YOU’RE GONNA
MAKE ME CRY.
IF THE O.J. TRIAL
TAUGHT US ANYTHING,
IT TAUGHT US,
IN AMERICA, YOU CAN
CUT SOMEBODY’S HEAD OFF
AND STILL BE
FOUND INNOCENT…
AS LONG AS
YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY.
WELL, YOUR MOM
ONLY SHOT A GUY.
AND CLEO?
I KNOW YOU DREAM
OF AN ALL-LEATHER APARTMENT
WITH CONAN.
I OVERHEARD THE SCHOOL SHRINK
TELLING THE LUNCH LADY.
OH.
HANNAH, YOU COULD GIVE
YOUR SHARE TO THE CHURCH,
OR MAYBE BUY ONE OF
THOSE STARVING KIDS
THAT SALLY STRUTHERS
ADVERTISES.
OR I COULD BUY
MY OWN HORSE.
OR THAT.
GUYS, I JUST WANNA PROVIDE
A FUTURE FOR MY BABY.
I KNOW MY BANK BRANCH
LIKE THE BACK OF
MY PUFFY LITTLE HAND.
I COULD OPEN THAT SAFE
IN MY SLEEP.
I’M IN.
YES!
WHAT?
I’M IN. THIS IS
THE CLOSEST THING
TO A DAMN FAMILY
I’VE EVER HAD.
IF ONE NEEDS SOMETHING,
WE ALL DO.
STOP IT!
THIS IS CRAZY.
I’M IN, TOO.
CLEO!
KANSAS IS RIGHT.
WE’RE LIKE SISTERS,
CLOSER THAN SISTERS
AND YOU DON’T TURN
YOUR BACK ON FAMILY.
COME ON, LUCE.
PEOPLE DO IT
IN THE MOVIES ALL THE TIME.
AND THEY GET CAUGHT.
THAT’S RIGHT.
SO ALL WE HAVE TO DO
IS WATCH A BUNCH
OF MOVIES AND LEARN
FROM THEIR MISTAKES.
YOU KNOW, REAL COPS
AREN’T HALF AS SMART
AS KEANU.
FORGET IT. I’VE GOT
A SCHOLARSHIP TO HARVARD
HANGING OVER MY HEAD.
I WON’T RISK IT.
CONAN WENT
TO HARVARD.
SHH.
LUCY, ARE YOU SURE YOU
HAVE THAT SCHOLARSHIP?
NO.
IF YOU DON’T, CAN YOU
AFFORD TO GO TO HARVARD?
I DON’T KNOW,
PROBABLY NOT.
SO THEN THIS ISN’T
CRAZY, IS IT?
IT’S A SURE BET.
WELL…
COME ON!
COME ON!
COME ON!
PLEASE?
I GUESS WE’RE ALL
IN THIS TOGETHER.
BUT…BUT!
WE HAVE TO MAKE
A SMART PLAN.
OF COURSE. OF COURSE.
OK, HANDS IN.
ALRIGHT. WE HAVE
TO CROSS OUR HEARTS,
HOPE TO DIE,
STICK A DIRTY NEEDLE
IN OUR EYE,
THAT WE WILL NEVER,
EVER, TELL JACK.
WE ALL KNOW
HE CAN’T TELL A LIE.
THAT’S WHY
HE’S GONNA MAKE
SUCH A GREAT SENATOR.
CHEERLEADERS KICK…
[LAUGHTER]
[CONAN O’BRIEN ON TV]
[LAUGHS]
Conan: WE HAVE
2 VERY COOL GUESTS,
I’M GONNA START
WITH SOMETHING I READ
IN THE PAPER.
IT INVOLVES SEX.
YOU HEAR ME?
[CHEERING]
YEAH. YEAH.
YEAH, DON’T WORRY.
NOT WITH ME.
HA HA HA.
HA HA HA.
♪ I DON’T WANNA BE A BOY,
I WANNA BE A GIRL ♪
♪ I WANNA DO THINGS
THAT’LL MAKE YOUR HAIR CURL ♪
♪ I WANNA BE EVIL,
I WANNA BE BAD ♪
♪ I WANNA DRIVE
MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBORS MAD ♪
♪ I WANT TO GO WILD,
WANT TO GO WILD ♪
♪ I WANT TO PARTY ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE WE’VE GOT GIRL POWER ♪
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
THE MOVIE WAS
SO AMAZING.
HE SLICES OFF
THE GUY’S EAR,
AND YOU SEE EVERYTHING.
THE BLOODY PINK HOLE–
CLEO, I ALREADY
THREW UP TWICE TODAY.
CAN YOU GET
TO ANY RELEVANT PART
OF THE MOVIE?
THEY HAD NICKNAMES,
LIKE MR. PINK.
I WAS THINKING,
DI, YOU COULD BE
MRS. PINK.
COULD I BE
MRS. PURPLE?
AND I COULD BE MRS. RED
THIS IS SO EXCITING.
Kansas: DI, HOW CAN
YOU EAT ALL THAT?
Cleo and Hannah:
SHE’S EATING FOR TWO.
JINX.
AHEM.
PAGE ONE IS
A PLOT SUMMARY OF HEAT.
2 HAS MY CHARACTER
SUMMARIES,
3 IS MY OVERALL CRITIQUE,
AND ON 4 THROUGH 10
YOU’LL FIND MY NEXIS SEARCH
OF ALL PRIOR ANALYSIS
OF THIS FILM.
IN SUMMATION,
NO PART OF HEAT
IS REALLY APPLICABLE
TO A GROCERY STORE
BANK BRANCH ROBBERY.
Jack: WHAT THE HECK
IS GOING ON HERE?
MMM. JACK.
I CAN EXPLAIN.
DIANE,
THERE’S NO EXCUSE…
FOR NOT TAKING
YOUR PRENATAL VITAMINS.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
UH….CLEO?
MM-HMM?
WOULD YOU JUST
SAY MY NAME?
TED.
[SIGHS]
WELL, IT’S A LAUGH RIOT
FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY,
AND TIM CONWAY IS JUST ABOUT
AS FUNNY AS THEY COME,
ESPECIALLY IN
THE SCENE WHERE–
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WATCHED
THE APPLE FRIGGIN’
DUMPLING GANG?
I’M ONLY ALLOWED
“G” MOVIES.
AM I THE ONLY ONE
WHO CARES
ABOUT THIS?
I MEAN,
AT LEAST I WATCHED
DOG DAY AFTERNOON.
Man: EXCUSE ME.
COULD YOU TRY TO KEEP
YOUR VOICE DOWN, PLEASE?
WE’RE NOT INTRODUCING
ANGER INTO THE WOMB.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO INTRODUCE MY FOOT
INTO YOUR ASS?!
KANSAS!
I’M SORRY,
DIANE…
BUT I’M NOT GONNA WATCH
MY DREAMS FADE AWAY
BECAUSE THE VIRGIN HERE
THINKS SHE CAN GET IDEAS
FROM KIDDIE MOVIES.
THOSE OF US
WHO HAVE PARENTS
KNOW THEY HAVE RULES
BECAUSE THEY CARE.
OOH.
ARE YOU SURE YOU
WANNA GO THERE?
UM…
MAYBE.
OW!
Diane: YOU GUYS!
[SHOUTING]
HOW DO YOU
LIKE THAT?
DIANE WESTON?
KANSAS, QUIT IT!
Kansas: OW!
HERE.
[DOOR OPENS]
[CRYING]
GOD, WE’RE SORRY.
IT’S OFF.
I CAN’T TAKE
THE FIGHTING,
THE BACKSTABBING,
THE OPEN HOSTILITY.
WE’RE NOT ACTING
LIKE CHEERLEADERS.
WE’RE ACTING LIKE
A BUNCH OF SORORITY GIRLS.
I’M SORRY
I EVER STARTED THIS.
DI, IT’S NOT
YOUR FAULT.
WE ALL WANTED
TO DO THIS.
LOOK…
MAYBE I CAN WATCH
A PG MOVIE.
I’LL JUST SAY I’M…
COUNTING DIRTY WORDS
FOR SUNDAY SCHOOL.
IT’S OK, HANNAH.
IT WAS SILLY
TO THINK WE CAN LEARN
TO ROB A BANK
FROM WATCHING MOVIES.
SEX, YOU CAN LEARN
FROM MOVIES.
BUT ROBBERIES?
FORGET ABOUT IT.
BESIDES, TV LAND HAD A LITTLE
HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE MARATHON,
AND THE INGALLS
MADE BABY CARRIE’S BED
FROM A DRESSER DRAWER.
I GUESS
I COULD JUST DO THAT.
OH, MY GOD!
THE BABY’S GOT
2 HEADS.
IT’S TWINS!
[LAUGHS]
I’M NOT JUST SUPER FAT!
OH, OK, WE AIN’T
DONE WITH THIS.
THOSE BABIES ARE GONNA HAVE
A GOOD START IN LIFE.
WITH A REAL CRIB–
ONE THAT COSTS A TRUCKLOAD.
WE GONNA LEARN TO ROB
BY THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO
REALLY KNOW HOW TO–
CRIMINALS.
I’M GONNA VISIT
MY MOM.
[BUZZER RINGING]
Woman on P.A.:
ATTENTION ALL INMATES,
VISITING HOURS WILL BE OVER
IN 20 MINUTES.
YOU DON’T LOOK NOTHING
LIKE YOUR PICTURE.
GRANDMA AND GRANDPA
SENT YOU A PICTURE
OF A NEIGHBOR GIRL.
THEY DIDN’T WANT
YOU TO BREAK OUT
AND COME KIDNAP ME.
THANK GOD.
I WAS STARTING TO THINK
I KILLED THE WRONG MAN.
WHAT DID YOU
COME HERE FOR?
TO TELL ME HOW
MUCH YOU HATE ME?
I DON’T HATE YOU.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
HOW IN THE HELL
CAN I HELP YOU?
MY BEST FRIEND
GOT PREGNANT.
BEFORE YOU?
WHOO-HOO.
YEAH, I KNOW.
THAT’S WHAT I SAID, TOO.
ANYWAY, WE WANNA
HELP HER GET SOME MONEY
FOR THE BABY
BY ROBBING A BANK.
WELL, SHOOTFIRE,
KANSAS.
THAT’S THE SWEETEST THING
I EVER HEARD.
BUT WE CAN’T QUITE
FIGURE OUT HOW TO…
YOU KNOW, HOW TO DO IT.
SO YOU NEED MY HELP?
OH, MY GOD. THIS IS LIKE
YOU ASKING ME FOR HELP
WITH YOUR HOMEWORK.
HEY, MINK.
COME HERE.
KANSAS, I WANT YOU TO
MEET SOMEONE SPECIAL.
CRYIN’ OUT LOUD, MOM.
LIKE MY LIFE
AIN’T BAD ENOUGH
‘CAUSE YOU’RE IN HERE.
NOW I’VE GOTTA ADD “P.S.
MY MOM’S A GAY,” TOO?
SHUT UP, YOU MOUTHY
LITTLE TWIT.
DON’T “MOUTHY TWIT” ME.
I’M OUTTA HERE.
HEY, WAIT. SIT DOWN.
NOW, I’M SORRY.
MAMA’S A LITTLE
OVERAMPED…
DIDN’T GET HER YARD TIME
THIS MORNING.
MINK AIN’T MY BITCH,
IF THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK.
SHE’S A SPECIALIST…
IN BANKS.
[HUMMING]
THEM’S SOME SWEET SKIRTS
YOU GOT THERE.
OH, THANK YOU!
ACTUALLY,
THEY’RE UNIFORMS.
WE’RE CHEERLEADERS.
MM-HMM.
YOU SURE ARE.
EXCUSE ME.
ALRIGHT,
SAME TIME TOMORROW,
WE HAVE A VISIT WITH
OUR FAVORITE AUNTS.
LISTEN, ROBBING BANKS
IS LIKE PULLING A TRICK.
YOU GOTTA STAY
IN CONTROL,
KNOW HOW FAR YOU’LL GO
TO GET THE DOUGH,
AND ALWAYS PUT
THE RUBBER ON YOURSELF.
OH, PFFT!
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
AND YOU GOTTA DO IT
THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS.
WHY?
BANKS DON’T HAVE HOLIDAY
PICKUPS, SO VAULTS ARE FULL.
BESIDES, EVERYONE’S
AT HOME EATIN’ LEFTOVERS
AND BEATIN’ THEIR KIDS.
REALLY? YOU WERE
CELLMATES WITH HER?
OH, MY GOD.
SHE WAS MY HERO!
DID SHE TELL YOU WHAT
LETTERMAN’S HOUSE WAS LIKE?
YOU GOTTA BUY YOUR GATS
FROM THE TERMINATOR.
TELL HIM ITCHY SENT YOU.
AND GATS ARE?
GUNS, CUTIE.
YOU LISTEN TO CAROL,
PUSSYCAT.
GO RENT NATIONAL VELVET.
IT’S GOT SOME AWESOME
STEEPLECHASES IN IT.
I’M GONNA WRITE
THAT DOWN.
SO, ALTHOUGH
THEIR FATHER SAID,
“DON’T GET OUTTA
THE CAR
TILL I GET BACK
WITH HELP,”
THEY KNEW THE SHERIFF’S
VOICE WHEN HE YELLED,
“RUN TO MY VOICE!
AND DON’T LOOK BACK!”
THE TWINS DID
AS HE SAID,
BUT AT THE VERY
LAST SECOND,
THEY TURNED AROUND
AND SAW THE ESCAPED
MENTAL PATIENT
BOUNCING
THEIR FATHER’S HEAD
ON TOP OF THE CAR.
AAH!
THEY JUMPED!
THAT’S JUST GAS, SWEETIE.
OH…
WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?
JUST SOME GIRLY STUFF
FOR THE SQUAD.
BZZZ!
[SIMULATES EXPLOSION]
[DOGS BARKING]
WELL, WHOEVER
GETS OUT ALIVE,
HAVE THE AUTHORITIES CHECK
IN THE CRAWL SPACE.
KANSAS, YOU SHOULD NEVER
JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER.
[COUGHING]
Diane: I GUESS THERE’S
AN EXCEPTION TO EVERY RULE.
COULD I HELP YOU?
YOU’RE
THE TERMINATOR?
DID YOU COME IN HERE
TO BUST MY BALLS?
HUH?
WELL, I KILL BUGS
FOR A LIVING.
IF GOD DOESN’T
BEAT YOU TO IT.
NO, WAIT, UM…
WE’RE THE “A” SQUAD FROM
LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL.
SO, UH…
SO, WE WERE TOLD
YOU COULD FIX US UP.
FIX YOU UP?
REALLY?
YEAH.
ITCHY SENT US.
SHE DID, DID SHE?
HOW IS THE OLD GIRL?
DEFINITELY OLD.
HA HA HA!
YEAH, THAT’S MY ITCHY.
[LAUGHTER]
HOW MANY?
UH…
UM, WELL, WE’LL EACH
PROBABLY WANT ONE, SO…
[COUNTING]
WE’LL TAKE 5.
5 SHOULD DO IT.
ALL RIGHT.
AND, UH, HOW MUCH AMMO
DO YOU WANT?
AMMO?
HOW MANY BULLETS
DO YOU NEED?
OH, BULLETS.
NO BULLETS.
THESE ARE JUST
TO SCARE PEOPLE.
KINDA LIKE A ROUND-OFF
BACK HANDSPRING WHIPBACK
DOUBLE FULL.
YOU NEVER REALLY USE IT.
YOU JUST WANT
THE OPPOSING SQUAD
TO KNOW YOU’VE GOT IT.
OK.
$1,500 CASH.
WHAT?
YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING
BUG ZAPPER!
OBVIOUSLY THAT’S
A LITTLE MORE THAN
OUR BUDGET WILL ALLOW.
UM, BASICALLY,
WE’RE LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING AROUND $200.
OH, WELL,
WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO?
FOR 200, I GOT SOME
REAL NICE RUBBER BANDS
AND SOME SHARP NAILS
IN THE BACK.
I GOT 5 OF THEM.
THEY COME IN PASTEL COLORS.
WHY DON’T YOU WAIT
RIGHT THERE AND LET ME
GO GIFT-WRAP IT FOR YOU.
THEY ARE 1,500,
CASH ON THE BARREL.
YOU TAKE IT
OR YOU LEAVE IT.
WHAT KINDA DEAL WOULD YA MAKE IF
I TOLD WE’RE GONNA TELL POLICE
THAT YOU’RE SELLING
ILLEGAL GUNS…
TO MINORS?
TO GIRL MINORS!
THEN I’D JUST
HAVE TO KILL YOU.
OK, WELL…
IT WAS A PLEASURE
MEETING YOU.
TAKE CARE.
LET’S GO, YOU GUYS.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
OH, PLEASE.
WE’RE NOT GOING
TO TELL ANYONE.
MAYBE WE CAN MAKE A DEAL.
LOOK, BUDDY,
WE’RE NOT GONNA
TRADE SEX FOR GUNS.
UNLESS CLEO…
KANSAS!
I GOT A DAUGHTER.
AND SHE’S ALWAYS DREAMT
OF BEING A CHEERLEADER.
AW.
TELL YOU WHAT I’LL DO.
IF YOU PUT HER
ON YOUR SQUAD,
AND I MEAN PUT HER
ON THE SQUAD–
DON’T MAKE HER HAUL
YOUR POMPOMS–
YOU GIVE HER
SOMETHING TO DO.
THEN I’LL GIVE YOU
THE GUNS.
YOU’RE KIDDING.
[ALL LAUGH]
HEY, FERN!
FERN, COME HERE!
SHE’S OUT SIPHONING OFF
THE TANKS.
IT TAKES A SECOND TO
CAP OFF THAT CYANIDE HOSE.
HONEY?
[DOOR OPENING]
THERE SHE IS.
HERE’S MY BABY.
FERN, MEET YOUR
NEW BEST FRIENDS.
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
DON’T YOU TAKE TOO LONG.
LET’S DO BREATHING
EXERCISES, SHALL WE?
IS JACK UPSET THAT
HE CAN’T BE HERE?
WE WORKED IT OUT.
[PRACTICING BREATHING]
YOU’RE DOING GOOD,
SWEETIE.
LET’S REMEMBER
OUR FOCAL POINT.
[GROANING]
OK, DON’T STOP NOW. COME ON,
WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT, BABY.
[BREATHING]
WHAT A SAD WASTE OF MAN.
OK, EVEN WITH
ALL OUR SAVINGS,
IT’S STILL
ONLY 654.
THAT’S IT?
HEY, I EVEN
TOOK MY PARENTS’
FOSTER KID MONEY.
PHILIPPE’S GOING
TO BE GATHERING RICE
WITHOUT PANTS
THIS MONTH.
OK, WAIT A SECOND.
HOLD ON.
NOW, WHAT DO WE DO
BEFORE A BIG GAME?
USE THE BATHROOM ‘CAUSE
THE PORT-A-POTTIES ON THE FIELD
ARE GROSS.
MY FAULT. WHAT DO WE DO THAT
ENABLES US
TO BE AS GREAT AS WE ARE?
I PERSONALLY THINK
OF HOW CONAN STARTED
AS A WRITER, AND THEN–
WE PRACTICE.
THAT’S RIGHT.
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
I’M PRACTICING
TO HAVE A BABY RIGHT NOW.
IF WE DO A PRACTICE JOB,
WE’LL NOT ONLY
GET THE EXPERIENCE,
WE’LL ALSO GET MONEY
WE NEED FOR THE GUNS.
I’VE GOT THE PERFECT JOB,
AND I’VE GOTTA PEE,
SO HELP ME UP.
[ALL GRUNTING]
HELLO. HOW MANY
WOULD YOU LIKE?
7.
[HUMMING]
[SIGHS]
HI.
HELLO. HOW MANY?
2, PLEASE.
OOPS!
[COUGHING]
OH!
OH, PLEASE,
HELP ME WITH HER!
[COUGHING]
WHAT THE KINDA FOOD
ARE THEY SERVING US
IF THEY CAN TURN
A PROFIT ON 200 BUCKS?
♪ WATCH HER NOW ♪
♪ WATCH HER NOW ♪
♪ WALKING AWAY ♪
♪ WALKING AWAY ♪
♪ NOTHING TO SAY ♪
♪ SHE’S JUST LEAVING ♪
♪ WHAT DID I DO? ♪
OH!
UH, FERN?
YEAH?
NO MORE FILLING THE TANKS
BEFORE PRACTICE, OK?
OK.
[DOG BARKING]
Kansas: OK,
LET’S GET GOING.
MY GRANDPARENTS GET BACK
FROM DINNER AT 4:30.
READY?
Everybody: OK!
Kansas:
WHAT THE HELL–
OH, NO!
HE IKEA’D US.
HOW MANY SIGNS
DO WE NEED?
WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO DO THIS.
LOOK, MAYBE LUCY IS RIGHT.
MAYBE THIS IS A SIGN.
Woman: KANSAS?
THAT YOU DOWN THERE?
YEAH, GRANDMA.
ME AND THE SQUAD.
YOU GIRLS
TALKING ABOUT BOYS?
PRACTICING KISSING
YOUR HAND?
[GIRLS GIGGLE]
YEAH, YOU CAUGHT US.
OH, WELL,
THEN I’LL PUT SOME COOKIES
AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS
FOR YOU GIRLS.
THANKS,
THAT’D BE GREAT.
[GIRLS EXHALE]
THIS IS GREAT.
WHAT DO WE DO?
THREATEN PEOPLE WITH
A TRUNKFUL OF PARTS?
I’M SORRY, YOU GUYS.
WHEN YOU’RE DEALING WITH
SOUTH AMERICAN REBELS,
YOU KINDA GOTTA TAKE
WHAT YOU CAN GET.
IT’S A TRUNKFUL OF CRAP.
DO YOU GUYS KNOW
WHAT I DON’T SEE HERE?
WHAT?
I DON’T SEE A PROBLEM.
I SEE A GREAT,
BIG CRAFT PROJECT
SITTING RIGHT
IN FRONT OF ME.
SO, KANSAS,
GET ME SOME GLUE,
SOME TAPE,
AND A NAIL FILE.
♪ SO IT’S YOU ♪
♪ AT MY DOOR ♪
♪ SHE IS HUGE ♪
♪ SHE WORE A TALLER
MAN’S HEIGHT OR MORE ♪
♪ IF IT FAILS ME ♪
♪ THEN IT’S LOVE FOR SURE ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE I’M HERE ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE I WANNA BE,
AND I GOTTA BE ♪
♪ AND I’LL STAY ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE I WANNA STAY
EVERY DAY WITH YOU ♪
♪ SHE’S SO COOL ♪
♪ SHE’S SO COOL ♪
Lisa: MEANWHILE, THE MOST
IMPORTANT EVENT OF MY LIFE
WAS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE.
PLEASE JOIN OUR “A” AND “B”
SQUAD CHEERLEADERS
IN A SALUTE
TO WINTER SPORTS!
Lisa: THE WINTER SPORTS
PEP RALLY IS ONLY, LIKE,
THE BIGGEST CHEERLEADING
EVENT OF THE YEAR.
I’D BEEN PRACTICING
FOR MONTHS.
THIS WAS MY BIG CHANCE
TO SHOW THE WHOLE SCHOOL
THAT I REALLY BELONGED
ON THE “A” SQUAD.
[FELIZ NAVIDAD BEING SUNG]
Lisa: I JUST WANT TO SAY,
THAT NORMALLY,
I’M AN EXCELLENT SKATER.
SOME JEALOUS–
WHO WILL REMAIN NAMELESS,
OBVIOUSLY SABOTAGED
MY SKATES.
[SCREAMING]
I WAS COMPLETELY HUMILIATED
IN FRONT OF
THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY.
TALK ABOUT ADDING
INSULT TO INJURY…
AT THE LAST MINUTE,
DIANE FINAGLED PUTTING
THAT BACKWATER,
MUTANT MONKEY GIRL
ON TOP OF THE PYRAMID!
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
NO WAY!
IT RUINED THE ENTIRE FINALE.
ASK ANYBODY!
CONAN O’BRIEN…
CONAN O’BRIEN…
CONAN O’BRIEN.
CONAN O’BRIEN…
COME ON, CLEO.
WE’RE NOT GONNA WASTE
THIS WEEK’S QUESTION
TO THE NETHERWORLD
ON CONAN.
WHO MADE UP THE
ONE-QUESTION-A-WEEK
RULE ANYWAY?
Kansas: IT’S IN THE BIBLE,
SO JUST SHUT UP.
OK, OK. HERE GOES…
IS THE DAY
AFTER CHRISTMAS
THE BEST DAY
FOR THE HEIST?
AH…YES!
GIRLS, NUMEROLOGY
CONFIRMS IT, TOO. LOOK!
SO DOES
SOLDIER OF FORTUNE.
“A GREAT DAY
TO GO BALLS OUT
ON THE OFFENSIVE.”
THEN IT’S TIME
FOR MY MOM’S PRESENT.
“BE CAREFUL. HAVE FUN.
SKI MASKS ARE SO DONE.
“WEAR THESE MASKS
TO FIGHT THE POWER
AND NEVER BEND OVER
IN THE SHOWER.”
HEY, DIANE, YOU CAN BE
MOOD-SWING BETTY.
HANNAH,
YOU’RE VIRGIN BETTY
WITH OPTIONAL
HORSE AND SADDLE.
[LAUGHTER]
AND, FERN,
YOU CAN BE–
OH, GOD,
WE FORGOT FERN.
OH, IT’S OK.
MOM AND THE GIRLS
GOT THEM FOR THE HEIST.
IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL.
HEY, I GOT TO CHEER
WITH YOU GUYS.
I’M HAPPIER THAN
A MAKE-A-WISH KID
AT DISNEYLAND.
WELL, WE’LL ALL
SIGN YOUR YEARBOOK.
HERE, TAKE MINE.
LOOK, I DIDN’T KNOW
HOW TO TELL YOU GUYS,
BUT I GOT
MY SCHOLARSHIP.
I CAN’T GO
THROUGH WITH THIS.
BUT WE WENT
HANDS IN ON THIS.
YOU’RE BREAKING
THE NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL
CHEERLEADING ASSOCIATION’S
PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
AND CONFORMITY.
I’LL TURN IN MY POMPOMS
AFTER CHRISTMAS.
YOU KNOW,
YOU GUYS ARE INSANE
IF YOU DON’T THINK
THOSE CRIMINALS WOULD
GLADLY TURN YOU IN
FOR A PACK OF LUCKY’S.
OH, YEAH!
WELL, UNLIKE YOU,
THOSE CRIMINALS
TAKE AN OATH,
AND THEY STICK
WITH IT.
YOU DON’T MESS
WITH ANOTHER INMATE,
AND YOU NEVER MESS
WITH HER KID.
I’M SORRY, DIANE.
[SIGHS]
I COULD TAKE
LUCY’S PLACE.
YOU CAN BE
TERMINATOR BETTY.
[LAUGHTER]
FIGHT THE POWER!
♪ MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
Both: 1, 2, 3!
OH, GOD!
OH, HONEY…
NEXT CHRISTMAS,
I’M PUTTING
A DIAMOND IN IT.
I DON’T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
WELL,
SAY YOU LOVE ME.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
OH, GOD, HERE’S MINE.
IT’S LAME. IT’S NOT
ROMANTIC OR ANYTHING.
NO, NO, NO, SHH.
I’M GONNA LOVE IT.
AH! A GIFT CERTIFICATE…
FOR A NEW PAINT JOB
ON THE GTO.
YEAH, I WAS THINKING
THAT YOU’D WANNA
CHANGE THE COLOR
AFTER CHRISTMAS.
WOW.
YOU LIKE IT?
I SOLD THE CAR
TO BUY YOU THAT RING.
YOU’RE KIDDING?
NO! HEH HEH.
WE DON’T HAVE A CAR.
[BOTH LAUGH]
NO.
OH! OH, SWEETIE.
SWEETIE…
[THUNDER CLAP]
KANSAS,
LISTEN TO ME.
JACK SOLD
OUR GETAWAY CAR.
IT’S A GOSH DAMN
GIFT OF THE MAGI THING.
OOPS, MOMMY’S SORRY,
SWEET PEAS.
SWEARING IS
THE SUREST WAY TO–
[SIGHS]
OH, SHOOT!
MOMMY NEEDS
A GETAWAY CAR.
[HORN HONKING]
JUMP IN!
WE CAN’T STOP!
Both:
THE BRAKES ARE BAD!
COME ON, KANSAS,
HURRY!
FERN, YOU’VE GOT
TO SLOW DOWN.
LORD, PLEASE DON’T LET US
RUN OVER KANSAS.
HELP!
GET IN! QUICK!
THE BRAKES
ARE BROKEN.
KANSAS!
OH, MY GOD!
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
Hannah: UH, ANYONE BRING
AN EXTRA PAIR OF PANTIES?
♪ SPITTING
IN A WISHING WELL ♪
♪ BLOWN TO HELL, CRASH ♪
♪ ON THE LAST SPLASH… ♪
WHO ARE YOU?
THE FRIGGIN’
BIONIC WOMAN?
I JUST PULLED IT,
AND IT CAME OFF.
THIS IS GREAT.
NOW WE HAVE TO ENTER
THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
LOOK, IT’S NOT MY FAULT.
HEY! GOD,
RULE NUMBER 1–
YOU NEVER
TAKE OFF THE MASK,
YOU HEAR ME?
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
YOU NEVER TAKE OFF
THE MASK.
[WEEPING]
I’M SORRY, KANSAS.
OH! GOD, NO.
RULE NUMBER 2–
NO NAMES.
NO NAMES,
YOU RETARD!
FOR PETE’S SAKE,
WHITE TRASH BETTY.
I DIDN’T REALIZE
THE RULES WENT INTO EFFECT
BEFORE WE ENTERED
THE SUPERMARKET.
WELL, USE YOUR HEAD,
STALKER BETTY.
NYAH!
BETTYS, STOP IT.
“THE BEST SQUAD IS ONE
THAT HOPES FOR THE BEST
AND PREPARES FOR THE WORST.”
NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL
CHEERLEADING
ASSOCIATION LETTERHEAD.
NOW, LET’S GIVE A HANDS IN.
WE’RE READY, WE’RE PREPARED,
THIS IS GONNA BE
THE BEST BANK ROBBERY EVER,
BECAUSE…
All: CHEERLEADERS KICK…
[ALL SCREAM]
SHH! IT’S ME.
Diane: LUCY?
Kansas: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I WANT TO HELP.
I’M A PART OF THIS SQUAD.
OH, NO.
YOU HAVE COMMITTED
THE ULTIMATE SIN.
YOU LEFT YOUR SQUAD
TO BE WITH A GUY.
AND THAT GUY IS
THE DEVIL HIMSELF,
BECAUSE ONLY THE DEVIL
WOULD TURN YOU AGAINST
YOUR SISTERS.
[ALL LAUGH]
LET’S GO.
WHAT’S THIS?
[CUSTOMERS SHRIEK]
GET ON THE GROUND NOW!
WE GOT TAPE.
DON’T WORRY.
I SAID DOWN!
Woman: OK, UH. HELLO?
YEAH. EXCUSE ME.
YEAH, HI.
UMM, ARE YOU ROBBING
THE SUPERMARKET
OR THE BANK BRANCH?
THE BANK.
OK, SO…DO YOU WANT
EVERYBODY DOWN
OR JUST THE PEOPLE
AT THE BANK?
ALL OF YOU.
BANK BRANCH.
ALL OF YOU.
BANK BRANCH.
WILL YOU SHUT UP?
I’LL HANDLE THIS.
BANK BRANCH ONLY!
EVERYBODY ELSE,
JUST GO ON ABOUT
YOUR BUSINESS.
SHIT, THIS
AIN’T WORKING.
EVERYBODY DOWN!
THAT’S AN ILLEGAL DISMOUNT.
Thinking:
OH, MY GOD.
AN “A” SQUAD
POMPOM STRING.
OW!
KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE GROUND.
THIS IS GREAT.
HOW ARE WE DOING?
QUICK. BIG BILLS,
BIG BILLS.
Man: THIS HERE IS BULL DUNG!
THAT’S WHAT THIS IS.
I’LL FIND YOU.
GO ON.
I AIN’T GONNA LET
SOME PIECE OF DIRT
BETTY DOLL
TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
NO, SIRREE BOB.
[GASPS]
FREEZE, SCUMBAG!
DON’T YOU NEVER USE THE
LORD’S SON’S NAME IN VAIN
AROUND THESE PARTS
IN THE U.S.A.
[YELLS]
WHAT THE HECK?
UH, I FORGOT
TO TELL YOU.
SOMETIMES WHEN
THE REBELS
TAKE THE GUN
OFF A CORPSE,
SOME LIVE ROUNDS
GET LEFT IN
THE CLIP.
GOOD TO KNOW.
[SIGHS]
CHEESE ON A CRACKER.
ALRIGHT,
YOU GUYS, LET’S GO.
[GRUNTS]
[VOMITING]
[SIREN WAILING]
I’M HERE LIVE AT
THE SCENE OF TODAY’S
HIGHLY UNUSUAL
BANK ROBBERY, SPEAKING
WITH AN EYEWITNESS.
CAN YOU TELL US
WHAT HAPPENED HERE TODAY?
YOU’RE TALKING
TO THE RIGHT PERSON,
I AM WALKING EVIDENCE.
ONE OF THEM STEPPED
RIGHT ON MY [BEEP].
EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU
GET A SHOT OF ME?
THIS IS IMPORTANT, BUDDY.
CAN YOU DUST
MY [BEEP] FOR PRINTS?
IT’S IMPORTANT.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE
STANDING THERE, YOU IDIOT!
WAIT, HOLD ON, I FORGOT.
I HAVE THIS. THIS IS
REALLY IMPORTANT…
THAT’S NICE.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.
AS YOU CAN SEE,
THIS CRIME HERE TODAY
IS AFFECTING PEOPLE
VERY SERIOUSLY.
IF YOU HAVEN’T HEARD,
TODAY,
5 PREGNANT BETTY
DOLLS ROBBED THE BANK.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
WE’RE LIKE CELEBRITIES.
BETTER ENJOY IT NOW.
BECAUSE TOMORROW SOME LITTLE
KID FALLS DOWN A WELL,
AND WE’RE NOTHING
BUT A DISTANT MEMORY.
DISGUISES
INCINERATED.
[ALL CHEER]
OH, BAD NEWS, DI.
THERE WAS ONE THING
WE JUST COULDN’T FIT
IN THE FURNACE.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, YOU GUYS!
THANK YOU. OH!
CAN YOU BELIEVE
WE DID IT?
I MEAN…
WE DID IT.
WE REALLY
DID IT.
[SCREAMING]
Lisa: I GUESS NO ONE
COULD HAVE PREDICTED
THE STORM
THAT WAS ABOUT TO HIT.
THE ONLY THING
PEOPLE CARED ABOUT,
THOUGHT ABOUT,
OR TALKED ABOUT
WAS THE ROBBERY.
JUDGING BY THE WAY THE ROBBERS
PRACTICALLY FLEW UP
TO SPRAY PAINT
THE SECURITY CAMERAS,
I THINK IT WAS
AN ASIAN GANG.
YEAH. BECAUSE AS A PEOPLE,
THEY TEND TO BE QUITE TINY
AND VERY ACROBATIC.
Lisa: THAT’S ALL IT TOOK.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
DIM SUM CHARLIE’S
BEING HAULED IN
FOR QUESTIONING.
FROM THERE, THE TOWN JUST
TURNED INTO A FREAK SHOW.
AAH!
GET HER!
THAT’S HER! THAT’S HER!
I’LL NEVER FORGET
THAT FACE!
Lisa: THIS THING SPREAD
FASTER THAN A CANKER SORE
ON THE GIRLS SWIM TEAM.
SOMEONE IN LINCOLN WOULD
SAY SOMETHING LIKE…
THEY WERE DRESSED
LIKE A BUNCH OF
FREAKIN’ BETTY DOLLS,
FOR [BEEP] SAKE.
THEY HAD THESE
[BEEP] LITTLE VOICES,
AND ONLY A BUNCH OF
[BEEP] DAMN [BEEP]
WOULD SHOOT UP
A UNION CAP.
Lisa: ALL OF A SUDDEN,
IT’S ON JERRY SPRINGER.
THIS THING WAS
DEFINITELY HUGE.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
TODAY, WE’RE GONNA MEET
A NUMBER OF TRANSVESTITES
WHO DON’T JUST
DRESS UP AS WOMEN.
THEY LIKE TO DRESS UP
AS PREGNANT WOMEN.
[CROWD BOOING]
Announcer:
ERIC KARROS…
Lisa: THE COUNTRY HAD COME
DOWN WITH BETTY DOLL FEVER.
Announcer: LEFT DRIVE
OVER THE LEFT FIELD WALL,
INTO A WAITING PACK
OF BETTYS.
Lisa: AND THEN
IT FINALLY HAPPENED–
THE MOMENT I HAD
BEEN WAITING FOR.
THE LITTLE
PIPSQUEAKS IN BLUE
FINALLY FOLLOWED UP
ON MY EVIDENCE.
HEH.
I’M KURT LODER
WITH AN MTV NEWS BRIEF.
AUTHORITIES NOW BELIEVE
A GROUP OF TEENAGE GIRLS
ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR
THE BETTY DOLL BANK ROBBERY.
STAY TUNED FOR MY INTERVIEW
WITH ALANIS MORISSETTE
ON THE NEGATIVE INFLUENCE
OF THE BETTY DOLL
ON YOUNG GIRLS.
HELLO?
IT WAS LUCY.
LUCY WENT TO THE COPS.
REMEMBER, KANSAS.
EVERY TIME YOU POINT
A FINGER,
YOU HAVE 3 MORE
POINTING BACK AT YOU.
SHE’S BEEN THE WEAK TIT
ON THIS MAMA CAT
SINCE THE BEGINNING.
[CALL WAITING BEEPS]
THAT YOU?
HOLD ON.
CALL ME LATER.
I GOTTA GET SOME
SMOKES FOR GRANDMA.
DON’T USE BIG BILLS.
FOR A PACK OF CIGS?
I’LL USE HER FOOD STAMPS.
HELLO?
WE’RE DEAD.
THEY SHOWED
THIS PRISON MOVIE
TO MY YOUTH GROUP
ON SUNDAY.
HANNAH–
IT WASN’T LIKE
THE PRISON WE SAW.
THE WOMEN HAD
TO SHAVE THEIR HEADS
BECAUSE THEY GOT LICE
FROM THE FILTHY LIVES
THEY LIVED.
OH, NO. I’M GONNA BE
SOMEONE’S BALD BITCH!
[CALL WAITING BEEPS]
OOPS. HOLD ON A SECOND.
HELLO?
DI? IT’S LUCE.
KANSAS JUST CALLED
AND SAID SHE’S GONNA
FREAK ME UP.
I HEARD
COUGHING AND A THUD,
AND KANSAS HAD TO GO.
I THINK HER GRANDMA
HAD ANOTHER HEART ATTACK.
WHY DOES SHE WANNA
FREAK ME UP?
SHE THINKS YOU WENT
TO THE POLICE.
WHAT? THAT’S INSANE.
WHY WOULD I GO
TO THE POLICE?
[CALL WAITING BEEPS]
RELAX. GOTTA GET THAT.
I’LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW. HELLO?
MY SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER
SAYS IN PRISON,
WOMEN SHOVE
BROOMSTICKS UP YOUR–
[CALL WAITING BEEPS]
HOLD ON.
YEAH?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
HELLO?
NO. THIS IS DIANE.
I THINK YOU HAVE
THE WRONG NUMBER.
[CALL WAITING BEEPS]
OOPS. THAT’S ME.
GOTTA GO.
WRONG NUMBER? NO!
HELLO?
DI?
I CALLED TO SAY
CONAN TALKED ABOUT US
AGAIN LAST NIGHT.
THANKS, CLEO.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
MORNING, SUNSHINE.
REMEMBER, EXCEPT FOR
THE MORNING SICKNESS,
THE BLINDING BACK PAIN,
AND THE EMBARRASSINGLY
UNPREDICTABLE GAS,
THESE ARE THE BEST DAYS
OF YOUR LIFE, SO FAR.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
NOT SO FAST.
FOLLOWING YOUR DREAM
ISN’T A CRIME.
NOBODY SUSPECTS YOU.
NOBODY EVEN HAS A CLUE.
HMM.
♪ HEY, PISTOLERO ♪
HEY, GUYS.
SOMEONE NOT TAKE
A SHOWER TODAY?
Kansas: HEY, LISA,
DID YOU RUN INTO
CARMEN ELECTRA LAST SUMMER?
NO.
BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU
GOT SOME OF HER TITS ON YOU.
THIS JUST CAME FROM
THE NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL
CHEERLEADING ASSOCIATION.
YOU MIGHT WANNA LOOK IT OVER
BEFORE YOU TRY MORE
CRADLE DISMOUNTS FROM
DOUBLE-BASED PARTNER STUNTS
THAT ARE OVER SHOULDER STAND
LEVEL, WITHOUT USING 3 CATCHERS.
OH…OR BEFORE YOU THINK ABOUT
ROBBING ANOTHER BANK.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
HOW DOES SHE KNOW?
MOVE IT, PEOPLE.
FBI. FBI. FREEZE!
I’M SORRY TO
BOTHER YOU, MA’AM,
BUT IS THIS
GONNA TAKE LONG?
IT’S GAME NIGHT.
Man: FACE FRONT.
ARE YOU SURE
THEY CAN’T SEE US?
ONE-WAY MIRROR,
MA’AM.
Man: PICTURE IN 3, 2, 1.
[GASPING]
EXCUSE ME, ON LAW & ORDER,
THEY GET TO MAKE ONE CALL.
I NEED TO CALL
THE FATHER OF MY BABIES.
IT’S A FUNGUS.
LEAVE IT ALONE.
[PHONE RINGING]
NOTHING I CAN DO. HELLO?
LISA, IT’S DIANE.
WE NEED TO TALK.
Lisa: AND THAT’S WHY
I CAME FORWARD.
EVEN THE KIDS
ON THE SHORT BUS
CAN SEE THAT ALL
THE EVIDENCE POINTS TO
DIANE AND THE “A” SQUAD.
OH, IT SURE DOES.
YOUR TESTIMONY WILL
PROVE INVALUABLE–
UNFORTUNATELY,
IT WASN’T THEM.
HEH. THEY WERE ALL WAITING
IN MY SUBURBAN THAT DAY
WHILE I RAN INTO
THE SUPERMARKET
FOR SOME CASH.
WE WERE ON OUR WAY
TO PRACTICE.
WELL, BETTER GET GOING.
NOBODY EVER GOT AHEAD
BY SITTING ON THEIR BEHIND.
[CAR HONKING]
HEY! OVER HERE!
IS THAT LISA?
WHAT’S SHE DOING HERE?
COME ON.
THEY LET YOU GUYS
KEEP YOUR MUG SHOTS?
I DON’T GET IT.
WHY DID YOU TELL THE COPS
WE WERE WITH YOU?
LOOK, GUYS, A FAILURE TO PLAN
IS A PLAN FOR FAILURE.
WE NEEDED AN ALIBI.
I’M NOT GONNA BE
DOING BACK HANDSPRINGS
ANYTIME SOON.
WHAT’S IN IT
FOR HER?
WELL, THE “A” SQUAD
IS GOING TO NEED
A NEW CAPTAIN SOON.
YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!
LISA REALLY DOES
KNOW ALL THE RULES.
LOOK! IF IT WASN’T
FOR MY ALIBI,
YOU’D ALL BE DOING COLLEGE
BY CORRESPONDENCE.
[SCREAMING]
GET AWAY FROM ME!
[FARTING]
EWWW.
GROSS. DIANE!
Diane: SORRY,
IT JUST SLIPPED OUT.
OK!
Lisa: FUNNY HOW THINGS
WORK OUT IN THE END.
DIANE TURNED IN HER POMPOMS,
AND I’M THE NEW
“A” SQUAD CAPTAIN.
AFTER ALL,
NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL
CHEERLEADING ASSOCIATION
RULE NUMBER ONE–
ALWAYS STAND BEHIND
YOUR FELLOW CHEERLEADERS,
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE
7 MONTHS PREGNANT,
LOCKED IN A HOLDING TANK,
AND LOOKING AT 15 TO LIFE.
ACTUALLY, I MADE
THAT LAST LITTLE BIT UP,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
♪ WELL, SHE WAS
AN AMERICAN GIRL ♪
♪ RAISED ON PROMISES ♪
♪ SHE COULDN’T HELP THINKIN’
THAT THERE ♪
♪ WAS A LITTLE MORE TO LIFE
SOMEWHERE ELSE ♪
♪ AFTER ALL,
IT WAS A GREAT BIG WORLD ♪
♪ WITH LOTS OF PLACES
TO RUN TO ♪
♪ AND IF SHE HAD TO DIE ♪
♪ TRYIN’ SHE HAD ONE LITTLE
PROMISE SHE WAS GONNA KEEP ♪
♪ OH, YEAH, ALRIGHT ♪
♪ TAKE IT EASY, BABY ♪
♪ MAKE IT LAST ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ SHE WAS AN AMERICAN GIRL ♪
♪ WELL, IT WAS KIND OF COLD
THAT NIGHT ♪
♪ SHE STOOD ALONE
ON HER BALCONY ♪
♪ YEAH, SHE COULD
HEAR THE CARS ROLL BY ♪
♪ OUT ON 441, LIKE WAVES
CRASHIN’ ON THE BEACH ♪
♪ AND FOR ONE DESPERATE
MOMENT THERE ♪
♪ HE CREPT BACK
IN HER MEMORY ♪
♪ GOD, IT’S SO PAINFUL ♪
♪ WHEN SOMETHING
THAT’S SO CLOSE ♪
♪ IS STILL SO FAR
OUT OF REACH ♪
♪ OH, YEAH, ALRIGHT ♪
♪ TAKE IT EASY, BABY ♪
♪ MAKE IT LAST ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ SHE WAS AN AMERICAN GIRL ♪
♪ AN AMERICAN GIRL ♪
♪ AN AMERICAN GIRL ♪
♪ LET’S GO ♪
♪ GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE ♪
♪ WHAT YOU WANNA DO TODAY? ♪
♪ I’M SO TIRED OF WORKING ♪
♪ I’VE GOT TOO MANY BILLS
TO PAY, THAT’S OK ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE I’VE GOT
A REAL STRAIGHT SHOT ♪
♪ YOU’VE GOT
A PRETTY GOOD CAR ♪
♪ SO PICK A POINT
ON THE MAP ♪
♪ DOESN’T MATTER WHICH ONE ♪
♪ WE’LL BE RICH
WHEN THE JOB GETS DONE ♪
♪ YOU HOLD THE BAG,
AND I’LL HOLD THE GUN ♪
♪ FILL UP THE TANK ♪
♪ LET’S ROB A BANK ♪
♪ I’VE GOT HOLES IN MY SHOES ♪
♪ I’VE GOT HOLES
IN MY UNDERWEAR ♪
♪ TAKE A LOOK IN MY WALLET ♪
♪ THERE USED TO BE SOME
MONEY THERE, I DON’T CARE ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE I’VE GOT
A REAL STRAIGHT SHOT ♪
♪ YOU’VE GOT
A PRETTY GOOD CAR ♪
♪ SO PICK A POINT
ON THE MAP ♪
♪ DOESN’T MATTER WHICH ONE ♪
♪ WE’LL BE RICH
WHEN THE JOB GETS DONE ♪
♪ YOU HOLD THE BAG,
AND I’LL HOLD THE GUN ♪
♪ FILL UP THE TANK ♪
♪ LET’S ROB A BANK ♪
♪ WE CAN HAVE
EVERYTHING WE WANT ♪
♪ OOOOH
LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ I CAN BUY A NEW GUITAR ♪
♪ YOU CAN PAY
YOUR CREDIT CARDS ♪
♪ LET’S ROB A BANK ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE I’VE GOT
A REAL STRAIGHT SHOT ♪
♪ YOU’VE GOT
A PRETTY GOOD CAR ♪
♪ SO PICK A POINT
ON THE MAP ♪
♪ DOESN’T MATTER WHICH ONE ♪
♪ WE’LL BE RICH
WHEN THE JOB GETS DONE ♪
♪ YOU HOLD THE BAG,
AND I’LL HOLD THE GUN ♪
♪ FILL UP THE TANK ♪
♪ LET’S ROB A BANK ♪
♪ POINT ON THE MAP,
DOESN’T MATTER WHICH ONE ♪
♪ LET’S ROB A BANK ♪
♪ WE’LL BE RICH
WHEN THE JOB GETS DONE ♪
♪ LET’S ROB A BANK ♪
♪ YOU HOLD THE BAG,
AND I’LL HOLD THE GUN ♪
♪ FILL UP THE TANK ♪
♪ LET’S ROB A BANK ♪

This is another clever Japanese! Cheerleading in the USA has yet to encounter this rambunctious group from Lincoln High School, until now! This ”A-squad” team trades in their pom-poms and short skirts for mock guns and bank robber disguises.